Chapter 31
Peace
Two Months Later
I am now allowed to work all crime scenes and while my panic responses have begun to abate, having a hand briefly on my shoulder or back at crime scenes continues to be a constant.
We arrive at the crime scene after spending the drive probing McGee mercilessly about the reason for his new haircut and cologne only to arrive at a familiar scene. We all walk in together and there she is, another victim of murder and assault, hands bound with rope. Gibbs hand is on my shoulder as we entered the crime scene in the basement, and as he takes in the scene his arm crosses over my neck and rests on my far shoulder. Silence. I feel so strange, as though I was seeing something familiar but from a distance. Gibbs does not pull me out of the room immediately, and I am thankful for that. All eyes are on me yet I barely register them. My thoughts are scattered. Pity, fear, anger and while these are brewing the tremors begin. Tony comes next to me on the other side and says, "Come on, let's go." But I do not budge.
"No . . . I will be okay. I need to stay." He looks concerned and frustrated that he cannot save me from my self-imposed misery. Gibbs is still silently beside me, giving no guidance. He is letting me do whatever I feel like I need to do. "Gibbs, may I process the victim?"
He quietly responds, "Okay, you're with me." I nod.
No one speaks while we work. My hands shake severely so Gibbs has to assist me with documentation, but he does everything he can to be supportive while maintaining a professional exterior. I carefully take trace samples from her clothes, the rope and the carpet right next to her. I am thankful that Ducky will be the one scraping her fingernails and skin for DNA and other trace. I treat her very respectfully and carefully, as though I am healing her rather than taking her one step closer to burial. I find myself relieved that her pain in this world is over, that she will never suffer again and that thought gives me great peace.
I used to pray for that same peace, that this life would end so that I could no longer feel broken, a new start in an eternal world of promise. Now I look at her and realize that while she is at peace, I am as well. I still am here on this earth, but there is a purpose for me. I am no longer a disposable asset, I have a place where I matter and even though this reality is not perfect, I feel no need to hasten my entry into the next. As I process the body and my resolve intensifies, my hands begin to steady. There is still a slight shake, but I am one big step closer to being whole in this world.
Finally after Ducky takes the victim's body away and we finish processing, Gibbs declares us done. We pack our gear and evidence and in the process all three men have either patted my back or put yet another hand on my shoulder. I do not resent this show of support. It is not from condescension but encouragement. Each touch reminds me why I need to be here – in America, at NCIS and on this team.
The ride to NCIS is quiet despite the strong scent still wafting from McGee's general direction. Gibbs drives and Tony sits by me in the back. He hooks his pinky with mine and lightly squeezes it. I know he will knock on my door later and I'm thankful for that certainty.
I used to think that my redemption was complete when I landed back in DC in September, that my gradual salvation came from several months of planning and executing the rescue mission. Now I realize that it was all just the beginning. Here I am, six months later and I finally have no secrets that haunt me. With that thought I drift to sleep, my head on Tony's shoulder.