Chapter Seventeen: Q

Q is for Quiet

For Elanor, quiet reigns now.

The fear of rejection, of failure has passed – she has faced it and conquered it and made it her own. She is a real Jedi now, no longer bearing the braid of a Padawan and no longer under the direct direction of a Master.

Or, at least, theoretically she isn't.

But since she stays with Master Kenobi still, she still obeys him and is still learning from him.

Besides, the training bond that she shares with him still exists – much to her surprise. Usually, the Master dissolves it during the Knighting ceremony – which Master Kenobi has already performed – at the same time that the Master severs the Padawan braid.

But he didn't. He left it.

In a small way, she is glad he did. After an extended absence from his presence during her Trials, feeling his mind rub against hers and sensing his presence is no longer a blessing taken for granted – it is cherished.

Of course, that doesn't mean that physically he is with her all the time now.

He still watches over whatever child Master Yoda ordered him too, so when she woke up this morning, he was just leaving. It is noon now, and he still has not returned.

She does not begrudge the child – whoever it is – Master Kenobi's attention. After all, he spent nearly three years by her own side, particularly when she was just rescued from her captors, worrying and healing and watching over her. And a child is much more fragile than her anyways.

So the hut is quiet now, and she lays there and thinks things over.

Through the Trial of Spirit, she faced her fears and came to terms with her doubts. She knows herself and she is comfortable with herself.

But it is not that that worries her.

It is Master Kenobi himself that worries her.

Come to think of it, he has been quiet too ever since she returned from her Trials – their meals have been absent of the friendly talk, their time before they separated for sleep absent over the normal banter.

Silent, but settled?

Oh, no.

There is turmoil inside of Master Kenobi, grave and deep and powerful. She knows because she can sense the faint tendrils of it from his shielded mind, for even he cannot help the occasional leakage across their bond. And she knows that the turmoil centers around her, for she has sensed his eyes on her even though he does not speak.

She hopes he will confide what is bothering him soon. He is a normally reserved man, but it is still unusual for him to conceal something that bothers him so much.

Besides, she is startled to realize, she wants to help him get over whatever is wrong.

She has no idea where that thought came from.

If he, as a powerful Jedi Master, could not sort out the problem, why is she so arrogant to assume that she could – she, a newly minted Knight?

But she still wishes she could.

Master Kenobi has been there for her so many times, helping her pick up the pieces of her life and healing her of her fears with his steady and reassuring presence. He has never faltered and never complained, although she knows she has been more than just a bundle of trouble for him.

Back then, she didn't regret it – it gave her a chance to see him laugh, to see his face break out into that wide brilliant smile, to see his blue-green eyes glow with an inner light. It gave her a chance to make him focus on the present, not on what he thinks about his failures of the past or his desperation not to fail again in the future. It gave her a chance to see him as just Obi-Wan Kenobi – not a Jedi, not a general, not anything but himself.

But now, she questions it.

Does he think that he has grown too lax?

Does he think he shouldn't have done that?

And worst of all – does he regret it? Regret taking her on as his apprentice so soon after the raw pain from Skywalker's fall to the dark side? Regret opening his mind and heart to her so completely?

She doesn't know the answers to her questions.

And because of that, for Elanor, the quiet is gone – from her heart and from her mind.

Q is for Quest

Obi-Wan Kenobi is on a quest.

Not a physical one, mind, but a quest all the same. One that will test him. One that he has not done in years.

He is trying to look inside of himself again. To glimpse the very depths of his heart and mind and soul as Elanor did when she endured the Trial of Spirit.

He is doing it because of Elanor, but she is not at fault.

Oh, no. She could never be at fault for this.

It is all his fault.

He cannot understand why he feels a strange tug towards Elanor, even more so now than ever. It is that tug that lead him to not dissolve the bond between them, although he knows that that is the standard practice; after all, he did it to Anakin when he was Knighted.

But he just couldn't bring himself to dissolve this bond.

He isn't sure whether he can't because of him or because of her.

The nice part, the Jedi part, the gentleman part – it tells him that he couldn't dissolve it because the bond means so much to her. He knows that she has come to rely on it, and that she is not ready for it to suddenly disappear after it has been her constant companion for over three years.

But deep down he has a sneaking suspicion that the real reason he didn't dissolve it was for his own sake.

He doesn't understand why.

That makes his first question – why can't he let go of this bond?

He has experienced other bonds before – with Qui-Gon and with Anakin and with other Jedi. And in all of those he was able to dissolve the bond, while not without regret, at least without a long hesitation like this. While he liked those bonds and they gave him comfort, he was able to work without them.

But for some reason, he can't say the same for this bond.

And there is his second question – what is different about this bond?

It is simply a Master-Padawan bond, the one he shared as a Padawan with Qui-Gon and the one he shared as a Master with Anakin. No different, save that this bond was formed later, seeing as he was her second Master and not her first. But that should only make the bond newer and weaker, and more easily severed.

It shouldn't make it harder to sever, to dissolve – to let go.

He turns his mind to Elanor herself. For some reason, he can't quite sit still with the idea of her leaving either.

It is not a matter of wanting to protect her – which he does – it just is the simple fact that he now can no longer imagine or be content with living on Tatooine as a lone hermit waiting for Luke to grow up. After spending three years in the company of Elanor, who can make him laugh and smile and who teases him incessantly, he just cannot face the prospect of living it out all alone again with just the memories of that.

He wishes she would stay.

But he knows he cannot hold her back should she choose to leave. There are more worlds that she could go to and live on, worlds more beautiful and better suited to her than the dry, burning, deserted climate of Tatooine.

Now, if only the part that does want to accept that will accept that.

And so Obi-Wan Kenobi's quest is now two-fold – to answer his questions about letting Elanor go . . . and to discover what part of him will not accept that she might leave him.