Chapter Eighteen: R
R is for Remembering
As Elanor waits for Master Kenobi to return, she lies on her bed and is now remembering.
Jedi don't usually indulge in what-ifs and such, but Master Kenobi has taught her the importance of remembering what you have lost – for only by accepting that they are gone can one begin to heal and move on.
So she lays there with her eyes closed as images flash through her mind.
Images of her childhood friends, the ones she had when she was just a youngling in the crèche and the ones she worked with as a Padawan apprentice. Of course, between the two groups, she lost some friends – some to the Jedi Corps when they were not chosen as Padawans and others to war and death.
She remembers the laughter and the jokes and the outings they shared, in that time before war and before the darkness . . . before the Empire. She was barely five years old then, but she remembers some things.
Images of her teachers, the ones who taught her so much. Teachers like Master Yoda and Master Drallig and quite a few others, for lighsaber and politics and history and science and everything else in between.
She remembers how they drilled her and how she complained then – but also how well their lessons have served her now, now that Jedi are hunted and the Order is no more.
And images of the Temple, her home – the home of all Jedi.
The majesty of it, rising about the Coruscant skyline as a beacon to all Jedi returning home. The calm of it, where the Force was always cool and clean and easy to access and where the rooms were well-kept and beautiful, even the Archives. And the safety of it, the knowledge that whenever she returned to it, she was safe.
Of course, now with the Temple destroyed, it is no longer quite her home.
She turns her mind away from the images of death and destruction from Order 66, seeking a suitable replacement that will help keep the nausea and the tears away – and settles on the memories of her time here . . . with Master Kenobi.
Tatooine would not be a planet she would choose to live on in exile. It is barren, devoid of the Living Force. It is hot and dry, with two strong suns baking the sand dunes every single day.
But then again, perhaps it is a smart choice.
Tatooine is far away from Republic – well, now Empire – space and the Empire will not bother Hutt space.
She is surprised to recall the warm feelings that she associates with Tatooine now.
Well, not exactly with Tatooine.
Actually, she has those warm feelings because on Tatooine, she is with Master Kenobi.
At that, she opens her eyes, but the images keep on coming now that her mind has turned to that prospect.
The images of them laughing and going through easy banter and training both in hand-to-hand combat and with the lightsaber. The images of how silly he looked the time she finally beat him in hand-to-hand combat and he lay sprawled on the ground, his hair a mess and his eyes shining with confusion. The images of how grumpy he was the days she woke him up early to go training like he'd promised.
He never did like waking up early, it seems.
The images make her remember how close she has grown to Master Kenobi – how much closer she is to him than she was to her former Master, even though she was with her former Master for at least twice the years she was with Master Kenobi.
And it is true. She knows now that her Master-Padawan relationship with Master Kenobi is far stronger than any other one she has ever experienced. Even if she somehow found her former Master alive and well, she would not want to come out of the bond she has with Master Kenobi.
The decision startles her at first. But she accepts it quickly.
Master Kenobi has given her so much – the least she could do would be to repay him by giving him the company she knows he craves in this lonesome exile. She may not like Tatooine, but condemning him to live here alone when he knows she was once here would be too cruel for her to do. And with him here, staying wouldn't be so bad.
With that decision made, Elanor closes her eyes and keeps on remembering.
R is for Realizing
Obi-Wan Kenobi has just started realizing what is going on.
He left the hut early in an attempt to get a whole day to himself, to think and meditate and ponder. But even that doesn't seem to be enough. His mind just won't be quiet.
His mind won't be quiet for one reason and one reason only.
He just realized it last night, when he came to check on Elanor and found her sitting on her bed, her legs folded beneath her in a meditative position, her hands raised as she brushed out the silky waterfall of gold-brown hair. Her eyes were closed and her expression at peace.
She looked peaceful. She looked wonderful. She looked beautiful.
The thought had stunned him – and still does.
Because it is only then that he realizes what the fire in his chest means, what the tug he feels means, what the electric shock that courses through him when they touch means.
Because it is only then that he realizes the truth.
Because it is only then that he realizes he loves her.
He loves Elanor.
The thought is at once attractive and repulsive.
Attractive, because it explains everything that he has sensed about her – about what made her different, unique, special to him, personally. Attractive, because he has always sensed that void in him and now he senses that she has the ability to fill that void. Attractive, because he does want to protect her and he does want her.
But also repulsive.
Repulsive, not because of her but because of him. Jedi do not love; attachment is strictly forbidden – to all of them. Even though the Jedi Order is all but gone, he still tries to adhere to the tenets of the Order. And because he is old, and because he cannot offer her anything.
So now he struggles with this issue.
On one hand, he feels he should give in. Their bond is strong, the strongest he has ever felt. Therefore, he thinks that it is the will of the Force – a will he has always tried to follow. Besides, he has given everything he has to give and more to the Jedi – could he not, just this one time, take a little for himself?
But on the other hand, he feels he should not. He is still a Jedi – they are both still Jedi. It would be selfish, utterly and completely selfish, to do this now whilst he still has to watch over Luke and prepare for that. Jedi are selfless, not selfish.
And, besides, this should be her choice, not his. She would be the one giving up everything to him, the one being claimed, the one who would bind herself to him. He would do nothing – if anything, he would gain.
He would gain her.
In light of his failures and his age, he cannot believe she would ever choose him.
Not her.
She is beautiful, yes – very beautiful. Beautiful enough that she could probably have more than her fair share of men to choose from. Men her equal in age and in appearance. Men who could give her everything she wants, everything she needs.
Men who would be far better choices than him.
The thought is not comforting, and he is ashamed to realize it is not because he really does want her. Her companionship, her friendship, her presence. He wants her nearby. He wants to see her eyes light up, to hear her laugh, to sense her joy.
Jedi should not want or need anything like that, but he does.
As he trudges back to the hut, he can only sigh. He has tried, but obviously things haven't worked out. He just cannot help his feelings this time.
So he decides to tell her. Tell her and see her reaction. And then act.
Obi-Wan Kenobi's realization can only have two outcomes – Elanor accepts or Elanor breaks his heart.