Chapter Twenty-Four: X
X is for Xeric
Elanor has become xeric.
It has been one year since she felt the bond shatter and Obi-Wan passed away, and in that time, things have changed – but so subtly she can't really pinpoint them.
But she remembers with perfect clarity the exact moment everything went wrong.
When Obi-Wan left, she remembers that she had trouble falling asleep. Over the years she had spent with him, she had grown used to falling asleep with his arms holding her, his body curled protectively around her, his warm breath ruffling her hair. He had always been there, to reassure her, to soothe her, to be there for her.
But as the nights where he was absent dragged on, sleep become ever more elusive.
Her mind was used to the idea of not falling asleep until he joined her in bed, until she felt the familiar sensation of his arms sliding around her and pulling her against him.
Finally, one night she gave up and headed into the kitchen to find something to drink – preferably something warm and soothing, something with good memories attached.
She settled on hot chocolate.
It was a rare treat, but it was an indulgence Obi-Wan granted from time to time. Oftentimes they'd end up in the bed drinking it together, with him leaning against the backboard of the bed and she leaning against him, relaxed in the warm, content, lazy feeling of being close to him with his arm around her back and his fingers stroking her hair.
They didn't involve themselves in society the way most couples did, like going out to see holovids or eating at fancy restaurants. They both much preferred spending the evening together quietly, talking and joking and laughing before cleaning up and sliding easily into sleep.
The sleep she so desperately craved – but not as much as she craved the return of Obi-Wan.
She was just taking her first sip when the bond snapped.
The cup slid from her suddenly numb fingers and shattered on the floor as the hot liquid started seeping all over the floor.
She didn't notice.
Frantically, she reached out with her mind, seeking anything, something, a hint – a clue – a whisper – anything.
But it was too late.
The bond vanished completely as the Force swelled with amazing power – and then went silent, as though nothing had happened.
She was rendered numb, completely numb, by that. She couldn't hear anything but the ringing in her ears; couldn't see anything except the haziness rendered by her tears; couldn't feel anything but the cold floor; couldn't taste anything except the saltiness of her tears; couldn't smell anything except the chilly wind fluttering inside.
She is nothing without him. She has nothing without him.
Nothing.
For what seemed forever, she was still and she sobbed in the fact that she had lost him – her lover, her soulmate, her other half – the only person who ever managed to become so much of her, who understood her so well, who loved her so completely.
She remembers that moment with vivid clarity. And in that moment she realized just how much he meant to her – and how much she loved him in return.
She has mostly recovered now.
Or rather, she has adapted. Adapted to life without him, with only the Force for comfort instead of the tangible, warm, loving presence on the man she loved.
It's not enough, though. It's never been enough.
Even when she was younger, she always knew something was missing – something important, something big, something that would fill the void within her.
She had first thought it had been a yearning to travel, to go new places, to see new things. And she had first thought that, being a Jedi, she could fill that yearning.
But that had not been enough.
It is now, though, that she knows what was missing. She didn't need to wander; her home remained in one place, not among the stars. She didn't need to see new places; on the contrary, she preferred the security of routine, the familiarity of home.
She needed something that could fill her heart and make her feel safe in herself, make her feel assured and protected, make her feel . . . loved.
And she found it in Obi-Wan.
And it was so, so easy to be with him, to fall in love, to be loved.
Even now, she reflects on how easy it was. The Force had some designs behind it, some hand in it, and although sometimes she wonders why the Force chose to bring them together, she never regrets it.
Never for a moment does she regret falling in love.
It goes against her training, against her upbringing, against the rules of the Order she served – but that isn't enough of an obstacle for a thing like love.
Love, especially the one she had, was uncontrollable, unpredictable, and unyielding. It gripped her heart and mind and soul and never let go. It tied her fate with his, and she knows it is where she was always meant to be.
But now, of course, she must live without him.
His death, his absence – it is a pain that she carries with her wherever she goes and whatever she does. But she carries it nonetheless.
Better to live with the pain of his death and the scars of his absence, she thinks, than to live blissfully unaware if she wiped her memory of him completely.
So she has adapted to life without him. Life in this dry, bland, empty desert.
In that, Elanor is now xeric.