A/N : Not mine. All Kouga Yun's. I don't own Loveless. I don't make any money out of it.
Chapter 8
17th, November 2005
Hi Soubi,
Something strange happened today. I mean, there's this guy in Yuiko's class. We've met before obviously, crossed paths and everything but I've never actually talked to him. Actually, I haven't even looked at him more than in passing. Do you know what he did? He sidled to me and began to, I don't know, chat me up? I've never felt so embarrassed before. I don't even know the guy! And instead of helping me out, my so-called friends only laughed at me. They laughed, Soubi! How am I ever going to be able to go to school again? Ah, fuck, I have no idea how to deal with this.
Ritsuka.
21st, December 2005
My birthday call. I've been waiting. In fact, Seimei called so late I thought he had forgotten. He bragged, of course. Bragged all about your latest Battle, a few hours ago. Got you all bloodied and battered and beaten up, hasn't he? He was so proud of your battle skills and perfect control over pain. So proud of how well he knows which buttons to push to shame you. So proud of how much and how well he can mistreat you. It's disgusting.
I suppose you're allowed to tend to your injuries. It wouldn't do if you weren't fit for another round, now, would it? Appalling. Appalling and pathetic.
Shame on him. And shame on you for allowing it. I'm angry.
Ritsuka.
11th, January 2006
Hello Soubi,
It's been a bad day today. Yuiko has been giving me the cold shoulder for a few days and doesn't want to talk to me. Rin is avoiding me. On purpose. I had a fight with Yōji because I snapped at him and of course, he would snap back. Doctor Katsuko was mad at me too and sent me back home earlier— which sent my mother into a fit, of course. She got the better of me this time and ow, it hurts all over. I want to see you. Is that too much to ask? I don't want to go to school tomorrow. Maybe I'll skip it. Nobody cares anyway. I could go wander around in the city. Maybe I'll go see an exhibition. They remind me of you when there aren't any butterflies around. I could go see Osamu. I don't know. Everything's a bother. It's frustrating. I can't seem to muster any energy to do anything. I don't want to. I want to stay in bed all day and let the world forget all about me. Or maybe let myself forget the world. But it doesn't ever work that way, does it? So here I am, writing forever unanswered letters to you. What a sap! It's piteous. I'm sorry I have no good news to write. Well, to be honest, I'm not even that sorry. It takes too much effort and willpower. I do hope you've recovered however.
Ritsuka.
5th, February 2006
Soubi,
Monthly letter again, I hope they at least keep you entertained. I don't really know how to broach the matter but there is something bothering me. I mean, like, really bothering me. I've mentioned Ryohei and Rin once or twice. We've become rather close since we met. Not enough that I would share anything related to Spell Battle but enough to be part of our small group of friends. I would like you to meet them one day. Yet, of late, I've had trouble talking to Rin. It's so awkward between us, like we can't find anything to say to each other. But, I've known her for some time now and we haven't fought over anything recently. I don't know why she would avoid being with me or talking to me. Have I done something wrong? I like Rin. She's lively and clever and feisty. She's a little bundle of raw energy and she's so much fun. I like spending time with her and I miss the easy-going relation we had. She's still as talkative as ever. Just not with me. She'd shush and look away when I come in. I don't know what to do. I don't want her to leave me too. I'm confused. I hope you're well. Ritsuka.
15th, February 2006
Soubi,
Rin is still as distant. I don't understand. She's talking all the time with Yuiko but Yuiko wouldn't tell me a thing. Said it's between them girls. Well, I've known Yuiko for years and she still can't lie to save her life. It was true years ago, it is still. There is something very fishy going on. I'm sure you have some input in the matter. Not that you can partake it. I miss her. I like it better when Rin is around.
School is so uninteresting. I'm glad it's almost over. It feels strange, I haven't seen you in all my chūgakkō life. You haven't shared anything with me during this time. Has it been that long since you left? It still feels like yesterday. Honestly, it still hurts as much but I'm so used to the feeling that I just push it out of my mind. When I spend too much time thinking about you, I feel — empty. I know it is not healthy. I can't help it. I hope you're alright. I can only know if you're alive or not. That's not nearly enough. Won't you ever break your chain and come back to me? Don't you want to? It's killing me inside not to know. Not to see you. Not to talk to you. Feel you. Smell you. Hold you. You are my Fighter. By fate, by choice, by both, I don't care. You are mine and I want you beside me. Can't you feel it too? Don't you feel the pull? The need? The wanting? My string still glows as strongly as it did the first time I saw it. I just know you're at the other end. Can't you believe me, for once? Show some faith and give me some credit, Soubi. You are Loveless and you know it. Come back to me Soubi.
And Rin still won't talk to me. I feel empty too when I think about her. Oh...
Ritsuka
4th, March 2006
Hi Soubi,
We've worked things out with Rin, in case you were wondering. We're good now. Real good. It's nice to have someone who cares by my side. It's been so long, it takes some getting used to. But she's — understanding.
Things are being hectic here with the school year drawing to an end. Everyone is trying to get into the best high school. Everyone but me that is. Even Natsuo and Yōji are hoping to get into their first choice. I wouldn't have bet on them to pursue their studies but obviously, I was wrong. They have always seemed so dismissive of school. And yet, they've always been the brightest pupils of their class. Now that I think about it, I shouldn't have been surprised.
I remember a dream I've made once, long ago. It happened a few days after you left. I dreamt about college life. What it was like for you. What it would be like if we had been about the same age and attended together. It makes me smile just thinking about it. That was quite childish, wasn't it? I find it difficult to reconcile the memory with the time that has passed since. It's been so long. So long, Soubi, and you still won't come back to me. Why? I've never given you any reason to believe I would reject you. You know I will not. Can't you accept you're Loveless and act accordingly? I cannot choose for you. I cannot act for you. If you don't believe you can be otherwise named, you will forever be Beloved. Is that your wish? Aren't you coming back because you want to be Seimei's plaything? Are you still thriving under his abusive hands and words? It makes me sick. Sick with disgust. Sick with anger. Sick with shame for you both. I don't want to think about you anymore. I want to think about Rin. And high school. And whatever I should be thinking about. I don't want to think about you anymore. And still I'm writing. Sick with self-loathing. I'm not writing anymore. Farewell, Soubi.
Ritsuka.
30th, August 2006
Hey Soubi,
It's been a long time, hasn't it? I thought I could make it out without writing to you. I feel like I've managed rather well. But everyone's fed up with me. Said I'm scathing. Said they feel I'm going to bite their heads off. Said I'm like a black cloud hovering above. Said I'm not nice. Said it's not fun to be around me. It's bothering. They're pestering me, saying that it's all because I'm vindictive and want to prove a point. Prove a point in a one-sided conversation. I think they're all wrong. But Rin isn't happy with me recently and for her, I want to make an effort. I don't know what you've been up to. Clearly, nothing to break your bond with Seimei since you've not made contact. Like I care. They're wrong. All of them. It has nothing to do with you.
By the way, I spent the summer break in Gōra. It was as unpleasant as last time. Not mentioning that obsessed freak who seems to know everything about you. Or me for that matter. Not that I interest him. But we're related, you and I— albeit so distantly now. So he keeps tabs on us both. Three, with my dear brother. Does that make you happy? Another abusive master for you. How great is that?
Ritsuka.
13th, September 2006
Hi Soubi,
I've been easing my mother into letting me get a flat. I think it's time I move out. I'm sorry for her, really. But we barely cross path and she can't even get her hands on me anymore. And in the very rare times she does, she can't hurt me much. I'm stronger than her now. Any damage she inflicts is an injury I allowed her to make. What's more, there's nothing of worth left for me in this house. Only painful memories. Why would I cherish them? It's not like you want to come back. It's not like Seimei is going to suddenly become my kind, protective brother once more. Unfortunately, I've grown out of the child I used to be and shed all the disillusions I held close to my heart. What's left— it might not be the best part of me. But whose fault is it really? I don't even want to think about it.
I'm really looking forward to having a place of my own. I know it's unusual at my age. But my friends could come over and visit. That'd be nice. For once, I would have something that's mine. Only mine. Like Rin. It feels nice.
Ritsuka.