A/N : Not mine. All Kouga Yun's. I don't own Loveless. I don't make any money out of it.
Chapter 10
4th, November 2006
Hello Soubi,
School's becoming a bother. I have to really work now to stay in the top. At least, it gives me something to do and think about. I honestly didn't think I would make it this far.
Doctor Katsuko is talking about ending our sessions. She's dropped it down to twice a month. She says I'm not making any progress, both because she believes I won't ever get my memories back and because I seem more "accepting" (her word, not mine) of who I really am. Like she knew anything about who I am. She knows nothing about Loveless. She knows nothing of Seimei's fake death. Nothing of your absence. Nothing of what I feel. As if I would tell her. I'm not a child anymore. I make my own choices and abide by them. So naive of her.
Sometimes, I wonder what has become of Shinonome-sensei. Are things better for her now? She'd had a difficult year with us, between you who insulted and degraded her at any opportunity, me who was missing school regularly and Natsuo and Yōji who were openly making passes at her... Poor Shinonome-sensei. She was a good person, good at heart and trying her best to do what she thought was right. She deserved better. If only we could get what we deserve, life would be easier.
How's life for you, Soubi? I'm curious. I know I won't have any answer but still, I'd like to know. I hope you're faring well given your circumstances. Have you thought about what I told you? I still believe you can break free if you wish so. Wish, but not as a dream. Wish as a wanting, a need, a deep and strong conviction. Have you ever even tried to call me? Ah, thought so. Not then, not now. Because you're afraid you could call Seimei by accident or because you're afraid I might hear? I'm not deluded: I know I called you once. I know, given the chance, I could have gotten the gist of it and done it again. I feel it, Soubi. It's building inside of me. I feel— not exactly nervous, but rather — restless. Hear me, Soubi. Be mine again.
Ritsuka.
21st, December 2006
Hi Soubi,
I'm sixteen today. I've met you more than four years ago and you've been gone for about three of them. I could give you the exact count but I've no wish to delve so deeply into it. Rin has spend the day with me but I couldn't exactly tell her that I wished to be alone. She's flexible but not that much. And still I had wished to be alone. She left so late...
Seimei called a few minutes after her departure. He still has his rat near, hasn't he? Spying on me still? Such a useless loss of time and energy. Asked me, as he does each year, what I wish for my birthday. I had a bad day, I was in a bad mood. I didn't want to talk to him. I didn't want to hear him. I didn't want to play his little games. I told him to fuck off. Told him I wished he had really died in my school chair. Well, the humour was lost on him. He hanged up. Hey, do you think I should apologize next year? It doesn't matter, I have no intention to. What did he believe? That I would welcome him, be all sugary and sweet talk? He abandoned me. He took everything that mattered from me. And what, a birthday call should excuse it all? Am I that stupid and gullible? Well, I should be allowed to say what I want on my birthday.
I hope he doesn't take it out on you. My hope is slim. Try to patch yourself up.
Ritsuka.
13th, January 2007
Hello Soubi,
I suppose you don't know that we are still all attending the same school, as surprising as it is. And yet, I've been wondering about Natsuo and Yōji lately. Why would they stay? Back when you left, they did it out of a sense of protection towards me. That's how they convinced Nagisa-sensei to allow them to stay here. But it's been years and there has been no threat. I had thought at first it was due to their presence but the more time passes, the less I'm convinced. So, why would they stay? They're bright. They're reluctant to any form of authority. They are a good fighting unit. They have a whole different, secretive world open to them. Why stay? Don't misunderstand me. I'm very happy they're here. They are my friends. And they know of our world. They also know how to be pests but let's be honest, so do I. I was just wondering. And if I ask, they'll just laugh it out and reply something fishy. I'm curious.
I hope you're well.
Ritsuka.
February 2007
Happy New Year!
I don't have much to say. I just wanted to drop a word for the New Year. May it bring you back to your senses and back to us. May you trust enough in the Loveless name to break your current thorny chains and rely on the soft string linking us. May you find enough courage to tell Seimei to fuck off.
You know how to reach me. You know you'll be welcomed back.
Ritsuka.
8th, April 2007
Hello Soubi,
I'm sorry I haven't written last month. Well, no, that's not true. I was angry and disappointed at you. And it was school break so I lazed by with everyone. School has started again last week. I hope it will be interesting. Maybe I'll even get an idea about what I want to do later. I have never seriously contemplated my future. I've been living on a day-to-day basis for so long, it's rather hard to make any long-term plans. I don't have much to say. I feel like it's getting very difficult to feel close to you, to maintain the link that once was. It's so tenuous now, sometimes I'm afraid I'll wake up to discover it has disappeared. Because if that happened, I'd have no way to reconnect with you without your willing involvement and actual presence.
Oh, Rin's been asking about you again. I'll have to find something to tell her. I'm not sure what.
Try to stay alive.
Ritsuka.
17th, May 2007
Hi Soubi,
What could I tell you about?
It has been over a month and teachers are already pressurising us into choosing a field. I don't like it. Why should I have to choose now? What difference does it make? There are still two years left.
I think Mother will allow me to have a condo. I'm almost there, I know it.
It's becoming difficult to manage a relation with Rin. She hates that I don't tell her everything. Sometimes, when we're together, we don't know what to say to each other. It used to be different. I don't blame her, I'm not an easy person. And it's not always like that. Most of the time, we enjoy each other's presence. It's just that, sometimes, it's a bit strained. Yōji has been joking about Rin being my true Fighter. That's bullshit, we all know it. She has nothing of a Fighter, neither in strength nor personality. I don't like it when he makes such jokes. You and I both know who is my Fighter. Natsuo and Yōji should know it too and respect it. It angers me. And I am prompt to anger, that is not a secret.
Take care.
Ritsuka.
22nd, June 2007
Hi Soubi,
Yeah, I've managed to do it! I'll be living by myself from now on. That is a relief even if I don't cook as well as you. I'm moving out this weekend, tomorrow after school. Sunday will be spent celebrating with all the others. I'll ask Kio for beers, I'm still not allowed to buy them. I'm sure that, for once, he won't refuse. After all, I've a damn good reason to be happy. He won't refuse me this small slice of pleasure, now, would he?
I'll keep you posted.
Ritsuka.
4th, August 2007
Hello Soubi,
Ah, Gōra, I haven't missed you. But at least, I'm gaining both endurance, strength and some real training. I feel more comfortable now in what a Sacrifice should be. I understand it better and I have a better idea about what kind of Sacrifice I might become one day. But no amount of time and training will make me revise my opinion on orders and pain. There is no need for a Sacrifice to control all his Fighter's comings and goings. There is no need to be cruel or hurtful. You can manage a respectful relation. It wouldn't make you a lesser Fighter.
I understand now that your way of doing is a reflection of Minami-sensei's belief. That if you revoke all rights and choices about yourself, if you deny your own individuality and right to a life of your own, you'd be able to give yourself fully to your Sacrifice. I understand the concept. But I don't abide by it. I believe it is wrong and that you've been misled. Yes, Beloved has never been defeated. That is due to your own mastery of Spells and Words and your own endurance regarding pain. How does Seimei being a jerk to you makes you a better Fighter, hm? It is wrong, so wrong. Trust is more important in the Unit than blind obedience. You gave yourself away to Seimei because you wanted a place to belong. You obey Seimei still because you fear him and fear to lose this link. Better to be the slave of a cruel master than being on your own, hm?
I'm offering you an alternative. It's up to you to seize it. You can be my Fighter. I'd treat you well, you know I would. I'd control you when you need it. I'd order you, in a Battle or any dire situation that might require it. I know you're scared of having so much leeway. But I'd show you what care and trust is. I'll teach you another way of being Sacrifice and Fighter. I'm not the dominating type. I won't whip you. I won't carve you. I won't punish you. I'll give you a piece of my mind but I won't purposefully hurt you. I'm more often than not angry at you and disappointed and frustrated. You betrayed me and I can't forget it. You know it's true, saying otherwise would be lying. But I'm not a coward or a liar. I stand by my words. I've told you repeatedly you would be welcomed if you chose to come back. That is true. I would make you my Fighter. I would welcome you back in my life. I would care for you and make sure you're not abandoned or feeling lonely. You'd be mine, like you've never been to anyone else. Like none of your previous masters ever allowed you to be.
Who do you wish to enslave yourself to until your death? Because let's be honest, you will forever put your own life after that of your Sacrifice.
Think about it, Soubi. Think carefully.
Ritsuka.