A/N : Not mine. All Kouga Yun's. I don't own Loveless. I don't make any money out of it.
Chapter 13
28th, September 2008
Happy Birthday !
I don't know if you've read the book I sent you last year. If you did, I hope you liked it. I've always enjoyed Kant. His ideas appeal to me somehow. I don't know if the others will buy you something this year. They all seem so concerned about school and exams and everything... They are all so serious, it's bothering. I'd prefer to spend the time after school together, talking and doing whatever, staying up late and having a good time. But they're all working hard and won't let steam off. What a bother. Ah, at least, I'm working hard too. There isn't much left to do once you're all alone. Reading can only be so much entertainment...
I know my present is a bit too feminine but it struck me when I came across it. I looked at it and I thought about you. Its colour, its form, its singleness. Everything told me of you. It was made for you, you as I remember you, as I picture you. The chain was just an irrepressible allegory as well as the perfect companion for it. I'm not sure you'll wear it. I won't be disappointed if you don't. I wanted you to have it.
Ritsuka.
In his hand fell a beautiful pendant. A periwinkle butterfly, artfully modelled in wrought iron. It even seemed enamelled. Made with love, bought with love, received with love. He would wear it. It was small enough to fit under his shirt. Somehow, it reminded him of Ritsuka. Loveless. So inappropriate. Ritsuka was everything but Loveless.
1st, October 2008
Soubi,
I'm — a lot of things today. I'm angry. And sad. I'm feeling very, very low. I can't seem to muster anything positive. All is dark and grim and unfair. I feel abandoned and alone. I feel — loveless. Rin— Rin has decided she has had enough. She left me. Everyone always leave me. Do you know what she said? She said she couldn't stay with someone who wasn't fully committed. What does that even mean? I was fully committed for fuck's sake! I've done more than I wish to admit. I've always tried to appease and compromise. I've tried to be more than I am. Tried to be cheerful and nice and normal. How is that "not fully committed"? I feel sick.
Ritsuka.
14th, November 2008
Hello Soubi,
Long time no see, hey? Hum, I don't know how to put it nicely so what exactly have you done?
I'm sure Ritsuka would have told you about his break up with Rin. He was devastated, to say the least. I'm sure you can relate. You know how he is. Always so needy about any form of care and tenderness. No, he hasn't changed, not on this anyway. He still craves it as much as he did years ago. But still, he was getting better. He was less downcast and a bit more responsive. He was talking again instead of snapping at us and shutting us out. We could barely go to his condo. But he was getting better. And then came a letter, delivered by Ryohei.
For the first time in years, years Soubi, he was happy. The light in his eyes, I haven't seen it in so long. I've forgotten how alive he could be. He skipped school. He ran home. He blatantly refused us entry to his flat. He told us to go away. Said everything was fine and that he would call later. He was different. It was from you, wasn't it? You're the only one who can elicit such behaviour and extreme feelings in him. But what the hell did you say?
Ritsuka didn't call later. Nor the next day. Nor the one after either. He didn't come to school. He didn't reply. Didn't take any call and gave no answer to any message, not even Yuiko's. And when we decided we had enough and went to his flat, he opened the door like nothing extraordinary had happened and invited us in.
He had trashed his condo, Soubi. There wasn't a single cup left. Nothing breakable had survived. There was nothing left of his usually pristine flat. Nothing but a beautiful painting of butterflies that we've never seen. You painted it, didn't you? How can a painting put him in such a rage, Soubi? Do you have any idea of how destructive he can be? How are we ever going to pull him back up? Do you know how hard it is to keep him afloat in your absence? How do you think he's coped? Fine?
Yeah, well, think again. I don't know what you did. But you should know it didn't help. At least, it doesn't look like it did. You'll get no thanks from us. That was not a good idea. If you want to cheer him up, come back. If that's not your intention, then refrain from making contact again.
Yōji and Natsuo.
21st, December 2008
Hi Soubi,
I thank you for your painting. It came about a month earlier than my birthday by the way.
I hope you're alright.
Tell Seimei to fuck off for me. I'm not answering him this year.
Ritsuka.
26th, January 2009
Happy New Year Soubi !
May it bring you happiness and contentment.
Ritsuka.
13th, February 2009
Hi Soubi,
I hope you're fine. School is drawing to an end. Senta is about to begin. I hope I'll do fine. If at least I could manage a work I like, that would be something to feel good about. Natsuo and Yōji have been mad at you for some unknown reason. Should I worry?
Take care.
Ritsuka.
3rd, March 2009
Soubi,
High school is over. Its beginning was better than its end now that I think about it. Is it going to be always this way? Does everything has to end badly? Does everything need to be ruined all the time? Loveless. Maybe one day I will accept this name as mine and maybe then I won't be so disappointed. I would have liked you to be present at the graduating ceremony. It was— something. It was different. A milestone of sorts. As if now we were adults and worthy of some freedom in our choices.
Bullshit. It was dull and uninteresting and boring. I just wanted to be home and alone. I didn't want to celebrate. I didn't want to mingle with so many people. Didn't want to see happiness shine in their eyes. Didn't want to be hugged and patted on the back. Didn't want to hear "congratulations!" from every corner. Didn't want my friends to look at me as if I was going to collapse on the spot. I don't want their pity. I don't need their sympathy. I want to be left alone. Let them go to their promised happiness. Let them go on with their lives. Let them go the hell out of here. I wanted you to be here and you weren't. Go to hell too. And don't forget to bring Seimei with you. I hate you all.
Ritsuka.
25th, May 2009
Soubi,
Guys have been hitting on me since I came to college. Do I look like I'm homosexual? Maybe I do. Maybe I am. After all, things didn't work out with Rin. And I've always liked you. Maybe I should try it. Maybe I should try SM too. Maybe I'd finally understand what makes you tick. I've been rather confused recently.
I'm sorry I haven't written for the past few months. I've hit a rough patch but I'm feeling better now. I sometimes have a bit of a difficult time digesting some events and feelings. This one was harder than the previous ones but it's all good now.
I'm having a really good time in college. I like what I do and I don't feel like I'm losing my time. Yuiko lives nearby so we still see each other a lot. She's delighted in her training too. She'll make a nice teacher. Youji and Natsuo are still around often but they've moved to another town. Oddly, they've chosen different careers from each other. Youji has gone to maths and Natsuo, will you believe it, to cooking. I was shocked, to say the least. But hey, who am I to judge? And we'll get to have delicious meals in a few months. Yeah! Yayoi seems fine in chemistry but has moved to Kyoto and we don't see each other much. Ryohei has applied to a foreign student program. I'll miss him a lot but for now he's still around. So let's have fun as long as we can! Rin is in maths with Youji but we don't meet often. It's better and easier this way.
I hope you're fine.
Ritsuka.
4th, July 2009
Hi Soubi,
It's almost summer break and I have no idea what to do with myself. I've gone to Gōra for several years in August. I haven't thought about this year. There are so many things I'd like to do. I wonder. What should I do? The reasonable or the unreasonable choice? There are so many opportunities, so many things to try. I think I'll choose on the spur of the moment. I hope you're well. Kio and the others say hello.
Ritsuka.