I, ASSASSIN

Chapter Twelve

Remy LeBeau was still having trouble sleeping. His phone showed that it was past three am, but he could only toss and turn in his sleeping bag, unable to settle. Perhaps it was only made worse by Marius's constant getting up and down through the night to run to the makeshift bathroom (a hole in the ground he'd dug about two minutes walk away from the camp). Getting frustrated with not being able to sleep, he left the tent and went to sit by the campfire, which had died out during the night.

It was freezing outside despite the summer day had been decidedly stuffy; a slight mist had descended on the area and with it had come the cold and the damp and so he went about setting up more wood to rebuild the fire, thankful that the damp hadn't ruined the wood completely. It took a little while to get the fire going, but once it was, he began to feel much better.

Marius was fast asleep in the tent, and he could hear the man snoring. At least he seemed to have been able to settle finally.

Remy sat poking the fire with a branch, watching the embers, feeling the heat warm his bare legs. The sounds of the night surrounded him, from the distant hooting of an owl to the whispering of the wind in the trees around the camp. He tried to let the sound and the solitude soothe his troubled mind but nothing helped.

He heard the sound of the zip on the flap of Bella Donna's tent opening before he saw her peering out, she looked exhausted, her hair hanging every which way, her eyes puffy. It occurred to him that she looked downright adorable like that, so unspoiled by makeup and hair spray and fake curls and hair extensions.

"What you doin'?" she asked with a yawn.

"Can't sleep," he sighed.

"Daddy's snoring keepin' you up?" she asked, noting the sound coming from his tent.

"Just overtired, I think," Remy reckoned, he watched as she left the tent, clad only in a short nightgown. He examined the way she combed her hand through her hair and yawned again as she came to sit at his side. As she sat folded legged beside him, he felt her bare knee brush against his, and the act only left him thinking of how much despite everything, he still wanted her. "Never had so much trouble with insomnia my whole life," he rubbed his tired face.

"Maybe you need to get laid," Bella Donna reasoned, sounding strangely mature and matter-of-fact. She took the stick from his hand and poked the fire a little, he couldn't help but see the irony of that action; her presence was only stoking his fire so much more. "How long's it been?"

Remy had to think about this, "three or four weeks maybe. I haven't exactly been keeping track."

"No wonder you ain't sleepin'," she smirked, with her free hand she gently skimmed his bare knee with her fingertips, it was so light, almost a tickle.

"Don't write cheques with your hand that your body can't cash," he lightly urged her hand away, tension tightening his neck; her father was so close, one gaze out of the tent would be all it took to land them both in hot water.

"Who said I can't cash it?" she teased.

"Belle..." he sighed, "your daddy is asleep only twelve feet away," he gestured behind him.

"I thought you liked a little danger," Bella Donna bit her lip, her eyes twinkling in the firelight.

"I do," he took the stick from her and pushed the burning wood around a little, watching sparks dancing up in to the dark, "but there's this rule about not shittin' on your own doorstep I really gotta follow right now. And maybe you should be takin' my example."

"Oh come on," she gave a soft laugh, "where's your sense of fun?"

"I think I left it somewhere up north," he commented bitterly as he rubbed his tired face.

"You were up there some time, from what I heard," Bella Donna responded after a moment.

"I needed some time away. Tried to leave the Thief life...didn't really work out that well." He decided to hold his tongue about how her cousins had kidnapped his adoptive father and practically forced his hand in coming back.

"What'd you do up there?" she asked, turning to look at him.

"Freelanced," he shrugged.

"My brother said you had this...whole other life..." she admitted after a moment turning back to stare at the fire, "and this girl."

"What girl?" he raised an eyebrow.

"I don't know, some girl you had with you this one time..." she shrugged; as Remy looked at her he could see her feigning disinterest but at the same time could see through it into a slight world of hurt...there was a tiny flicker of jealousy too. "She was like you...a mutant."

Remy chewed the inside of his cheek, "oh. Rogue," he realised. He hadn't thought of her in some time, at least not properly. He supposed life was so complicated here right now that thinking of himself came first. That was how survival was supposed to work. Rogue hadn't crossed his mind in some time but he briefly found himself now wondering (as she'd been brought up) how the girl was doing. He supposed he should have made more effort to keep in touch but in the end it was probably impossible; she didn't strike him the type to Facebook, and he was sure given past behaviours, she probably wouldn't be willing to accept a 'how are you' phone call from him without suspecting he wanted something.

Better just sever the ties to that acquaintance, Remy decided. Don't want her havin' any more interaction with the Rippers or the Assassins. Leave her be, she's safer that way.

"That was her name?" Bella Donna asked, looking concerned.

"Are you jealous?" he teased.

"Should I be?" she asked seriously.

"Not at all," Remy smirked, he stared back at the fire, "she was just helpin' me get Jean-Luc back from your cousins and your brother...that was before Julien even got initiated properly."

"He said you looked pretty cosy with her," Bella Donna pouted.

"Belle, trust me, you got nothin' to be jealous of," he assured.

"Because of what she can do with her powers? Or because you're not interested?" Bella Donna dared to ask, squinting a little, watching him carefully for any signs he may be withholding the truth.

"Both," he commented, he stared back to the fire. He didn't want to admit to the girl that there had been just a tiny flicker of a strange attraction to Rogue when they'd spent time together. For the most part Remy had assumed the attraction had more to do with the challenge of how unobtainable she was rather than any genuine feelings...at least, that's what he had told himself after she had left, and he was content enough believing it.

"If you say so," she stared ahead at the fire.

Remy turned to look at her again, examining everything about her profile, the glow of the firelight highlighted her flawless skin with gold and orange, her eyes seemed almost hazel in this light. He thought of how quickly she'd shot the elk, how precise and accurate that shot had been and how that animal hadn't suffered a moment. It only reminded him of the suffering he'd put the last one through.

She took such a huge risk doin' what she did. If her father found out...there'd be hell to pay. Wouldn't just be my own head that'd be on the block. Hers too.

"Thanks, by the way..." he said quietly.

Curiously, she glanced towards him, "huh? For what?"

"For...for this afternoon. For what you did," he kept his voice low, barely a whisper.

She turned back to the fire and gave a slight shrug, "like I said, chere, I'd do anythin' for you."

"What would he do to you if he found out?" Remy asked quietly, he glanced nervously over his shoulder and listened for the snoring. It hadn't changed, and it didn't strike him as feigned.

Bella Donna responded quietly, "Dole out a lot of punishment. Maybe he'd beat me, I don't know..." she stared down to the grass they were sitting upon. She picked a few blades up idly. "I can't have him see that you're weak, Remy..." she whispered.

Remy sadly looked at her, "is that what you think? That I'm weak?"

She didn't answer, but her conflicted expression spoke volumes.

"I'm not weak, chere. I just...I'm not ready to switch off yet. I'm not like the rest of you, I ain't been trainin' for this all my life. I have had zero time to prepare."

"I know," she responded softly. "But you need to just...deal..." she explained, "it's just an animal."

The callousness of how she'd said this stunned him, it shook him down to the bone. Remy shook his head, "no...no it's not..." he got up slowly and began to walk away, feeling his stomach suddenly turn queasy. At his heels, he heard her follow him swiftly.

"Remy, where the hell you goin'?" she demanded, her voice a hiss.

"I need some air," he responded, strutting through the dark, the moonlight carving a path through the trees for him.

"There's air all around us..." she tried.

"The smoke is botherin' me," he lied, keeping up his pace.

"What the hell is wrong with you?" she asked, trying to catch up with him. He kept walking further and further from the campsite. He didn't want to be overheard in case he lost his temper on this subject.

"Nothin' is wrong," he uttered.

"Don't you walk away from me, Remy LeBeau!"

"Don't you get it?" he stopped and turned towards her, "right now...it's just an animal. Right now. But that's still this...livin' bein' that didn't do anythin' to deserve that gun to its head."

Bella Donna stopped, folding her arms against the bitter chill of the night, "you're going to go all animal activist on me now?" she demanded impatiently, "turn all vegetarian? Stop wearin' leather to make your point?"

"You're not gettin' it, Belle," Remy threw his arms out, "it was a living breathin' thing...how much difference is there between us and the animals? How you gonna switch off so calmly and so easily when it's a person at the end of your gun?"

"Cops, the FBI, executioners in prisons, fighter pilots, special ops, the mother fucking army for Christ's sake!" Bella Donna reeled off quickly, "they all kill, without discrimination and without a second thought. And why? Because that's what they're told to do...because that's what they're paid to do."

"You're talkin' about people who fight for a cause. What about the targets who didn't deserve it?" Remy asked pointedly.

Bella Donna tilted her head a little, "someone's willin' to put a contract out on someone...pay a small fortune...you gotta bet someone deserved it. But regardless, it ain't our place to judge, it's our place to do. We don't get personally involved, we don't get to have an opinion."

"Ain't you ever wondered, chere, how many people your daddy has killed that might have not deserved it? How many innocent guys who were just in the way of someone else's greed or war or political office?"

"If I thought about that I'd never sleep at night, and if you keep thinkin' that way, you never will either..."

Remy looked away from her silhouette, his heart sinking. He already wasn't sleeping at night...these things plagued him too much. He was sure there would be many more sleepless nights ahead.

"You're tired, you're under a lot of pressure, that's all, chere," Bella Donna approached slowly, "it'll get easier, you'll learn to switch off..."

He breathed deeply and sighed until it felt like there was no more breath in him, until he felt defeated inside. He had it in him to switch off, at least partially. He was well aware of it. The moment he'd begun skinning the last elk, he'd known he was capable of switching off all emotion and disgust and doing what was asked. He was more than capable of it when the time came. But it was the after switching off that bothered him. The regret, the guilt. He'd only killed a poor animal...and he couldn't get it out of his head. He still couldn't get it out of his head that Bella Donna had killed that dog.

How was he supposed to cope when it came to the point when it was a person at the end of the gun? If he felt this bad at the deaths of a couple of elk and a dying dog, how bad was it really going to feel when it was the death of a man or woman?

Almost as if she sensed his turmoil, Bella Donna tenderly reached out and brushed the backs of her soft fingers against his cheek, and he closed his eyes, breathing in the earthy damp night smell of the forest and listened to the gentle hooting of a distant owl. He placed his hand upon hers and sighed a little.

Bella Donna leaned up, standing upon her tiptoes to brush her lips gently against his and he accepted the kiss, because at that moment, it soothed and almost washed away that turmoil. Her tenderness was so strange, so light in comparison to the desperate ways she'd always kissed him before, the way her arms slid around him and held onto him so lightly, her fingers caressed his hair, her breath warmly mingled with his and her heart beat soft and surely against his own.

Burying his right hand into her tousled blonde hair, he swept his lips across her jaw to kiss softly at her neck, his left hand guided her gently to the soft forest floor and they lay there, exchanging kisses and gentle innocent caresses, never taking it further, never advancing more.

For a time after their kisses ended, they lay there together still in each others arms, her head against his chest, his fingers winding her long blonde hair, and Remy watched as the sky turned from dark blue to pink as dawn begun to arrive and the mist began to disappear. He sighed deeply and nudged her, "we should get back."

Bella Donna raised her head, her eyes met with his in a soft gaze, and she smiled a little, "I guess so."

"Your daddy pitch a fit if he knew about this," he broke away from her and stood up, dusted himself off quickly, and then reached to help her up.

"Maybe...we should ask for his blessin'?" Bella Donna asked after a moment.

Remy shook his head as they walked together "he'd never go for that. I already got warned to keep away from you. This probably be enough to get me castrated."

"Shame you didn't even get your rocks off," she teased as she poked him in the back.

Strangely enough, Remy found it odd that the thought of that didn't even bother him. He had just had quite ample opportunity to bed the girl and somehow didn't even regret that he hadn't taken it. Those tender romantic moments there in the forest had been so different from any other experience he'd shared with any girl. As he watched her walk up ahead, there was an odd swelling of his chest as he breathed in, and an odd tremble in his stomach.

Whoah, is that butterflies? He wondered as he stopped abruptly and put his hand against his stomach. Is this what that feels like?

In all his life he'd never felt anything quite like it.

Either that or she's spiked my water bottle with laxatives too, he mused as he remained there, leaning against a tree for a moment, letting the moment linger. Bella Donna sensed he'd stopped – or she'd certainly heard the lack of his footsteps – and she stopped in her tracks to turn and stare at him, "you all right, chere?" she asked.

Remy gazed at her as the orangey light broke through the trees and lit her up, causing a halo of gold around her blonde hair, and he sighed. It was that moment he realised that he might just be falling in love with a born killer. "Don't know," he responded. "Lets go back."

End of Chapter Twelve

I know some won't be happy with the concept of Rogue not being Remy's 'first love' in this fic, but lets face it, she wasn't his first love in the comics. But to appease some of you who grow tired of no mentions of Rogue, I did throw one in there just so you all know he remembers she exists. ;) Thanks to those who have reviewed the story so far :)