The vampire was twitching on the ground like a drowned puppy.

"Ready?" Harry murmured, all attention fixed on the monster before him. If it recovered too soon, they would need to act fast. Draco nodded beside him. "Okay. Three... two-"

Suddenly Draco swivelled towards him. Before Harry could even question him, the git bared his teeth in a mocking smirk and light erupted from his wand.

"Petrificus Totalus!" he cried. Harry recoiled in shock, but wasn't fast enough to avoid the red beam hurtling towards his chest.

"Malfoy you little bitch-" was all he managed to say before his limbs stiffened and he fell to the ground like a sack of potatos.

He struggled against his frozen body for a second, catching Malfoy's shit-eating grin as the bastard stood over him. The fucker looked like christmas had just come early.

"Why did I do it, Potter?" He accentuated his rhetorical question with the kind of superior smugness that made Harry want to sock him in the mouth. "It's quite simple, you see... it's all for hair."

If he could, Harry would have raised his eyebrow. As it was, he had to settle for an indignant eye twitch. Beside him, the vampire spasmed softly.

"Yes Potter, the hair. You see, the Malfoy line has kept a terrible secret for centuries..." He ran a hand through his smooth slick hair, almost caressingly. "The terrible things one has to do to attain perfection... Blond is not our natural hair colour, Potter."

Where the hell was Hagrid? God damn it, he didn't want to put up with this shit longer than he had to.

"But with the power of a vampire on our side - a real vampire, Potter, a vampire that sparkles - the Malfoy line can once again be fabulous!"

Malfoy turned away from Harry, leaving him spreadeagled on the wet grass like a picnic blanket. The little shit helped the vampire to sit up, mumbling 'ennervate' at his twitching form, for all the good it did. He slipped his school shirt down from his shoulders, leaning into the vampire, breathing heavily.

Harry tried to gag, even frozen in place as he was. It honestly looked like Malfoy was enjoying himself.

"Bite me," the boy whispered breathily, grinding up against the sparkly creature. "Bite me you stud!"

The vampire mumbled something.

"What?" questioned Malfoy, pausing momentarily.

"Say it." Edward repeated.

"Er," he blinked. "Say what?"

"Say it!"

"Um. Vampire?"

Edward gave an incoherent moan of pleasure. "Again."

"Vampire."

"Again!"

"Vampire!"

Harry briefly wondered if he'd drown if he threw up while frozen.

"Bite me!" Draco cried. "Give me your delicious hair!"

The vampire, still half-dazed and apparently vaguely horny if the dirty talk was anything to go by, did as commanded and bit down hard on Malfoy's scrawny neck. The blond boy recoiled from him with a shriek, hands clutching to his now profusely bleeding neck, eyes wide and face drained of all colour. He gave a pathetic little whimper and crumpled into a foetal position on the ground, screaming in pain through clenched teeth.

"'Arry!" came a thunderous shout, and Harry's eyes twitched upward to see Hagrid once again as the man apparently stopped fondling wolf corpses enough to take note of what was happening. The giant hefted the dead animals into his arms with the ease of a man picking up a puppy, and taking them by the tails, one in each hand, he swung them around his head like nunchucks.

Hagrid issued a ferocious battlecry and hurtled one of the wolves at Edward's twitching form. It rammed the vampire to the floor like a bowling ball scattering pins, and there was a sickening crunch from the wolf corpse as it snapped cleanly in two around the sparkly monster's head, spraying the girl beside them with viscous canine blood.

As Malfoy dodged the spray of gore the hold on Harry abruptly ceased, and he sprang up as fast as possible, catching Draco with a roundhouse kick to the head as the swarmy little git tried to scramble away.

"Tha' was a thumpin' good one, 'Arry!" cheered Hagrid, and the other wolf in his hand slumped to the floor as its tail came out of the socket. The giant didn't seem to notice this, still spinning the severed tail around in the air like a ribbon.

Malfoy took the hit on the head with a loud pig-like squeal of pain, but did not collapse, and before Harry could grab him the bitch was already on his feet and scrambling for his life back into the forbidden forest.

Harry paused, breathing hard from the exertion of leaping up so quickly. Malfoy scuttled off to disappear into the forest and Harry vaguely wondered how long it would take him to be eaten.

"That was a pretty damn thumping good one, yes, Hagrid." he agreed placidly as he looked towards where Malfoy had disappeared. "I mean did you hear how he screamed? He sounds like a girl."

And meanwhile in the forest, Voldemort stirred, his wraith-like form bent low over the corpse of a unicorn. He would gain a new follower that night.

(written by Palindrome)