Johnny had just returned from karate. While showering, he thought about the class and about Midori. Man, she was beautiful. He liked her smile. Her eyes. The sound of her voice. The way she moved. He still had eyes and ears. She seemed so different from the other women he had known. She didn't seem to be a game player; but then, maybe he just didn't know Japanese games. At any rate, he didn't think of her as a conquest, the way he had thought of so many other women. Given other circumstances, he might have pursued her. Or not. He knew she wouldn't be interested in someone like him. 'Why me?' he asked himself for what must have been the millionth time. Was he somehow giving off 'gay vibes' that made Barnes want to rape him? Is that why none of his relationships with women lasted? What was wrong with him?
He rolled over in bed and looked at the clock. Two in the morning. With an exasperated sigh, he got up and went into the living room. He hauled out the phone book and dialed the number just inside the front cover. Roy was right: he had to talk to someone.
"Mercy General Rape Crisis Center. This is Andrea. How may I help you?"
"Uh…" He cleared his throat. "Uh… I… do you, uh…"
"Sir, would you like to speak with a male counselor?"
"Um, yes. Yes, I would." The relief was evident in his voice.
A male voice came on the line. "Hi. My name is Sam."
"Hi… Uh, do I have to tell you my name?" His heart already started to beat faster.
"No. Not if you don't want to."
"Okay. I don't want to."
"That's fine." Sam waited a few seconds for the voice on the other end of the line to speak. "What can I help you with?" he asked when Johnny didn't say anything.
"I, uh… Maybe this wasn't such a good idea."
"No, no, it's okay. Just take your time. You don't need to rush." The voice sounded patient to Johnny.
They talked for about ten minutes before Johnny finally got to the purpose of his call.
"I…" He held his breath, trying to fight back the tears he swore he wasn't ever going to shed again.
"Just take your time. Try to relax. I'll be right here." Sam could hear the gasps for breath followed by long pauses. "Try to take long, slow breaths. Relax. It's okay."
Inhale, ichi, ni, san, shi, go, roku. Exhale, ichi, ni, san, shi, go, roku. Finally Johnny could breathe without gasping. "Last April…" he began, but had to stop again.
"Yes? Keep breathing. It's okay."
"He had a gun. He…"
"Yes. You're doing really well. It's okay. Just take your time." The voice sounded calm and encouraging to Johnny.
Johnny nodded, even though he knew the other man couldn't see him. He used his hand to wipe his nose, which had started to run. Why hadn't he thought to bring any Kleenex with him to the phone? "Um…" He took another shaky breath. "Have you been raped?" he asked abruptly.
"Yes."
"Are you gay?"
"No."
"I thought this only happened to gay men!" Johnny burst out angrily.
"That's a common misconception. But it can happen to anybody. Rape is more about anger and power than sex."
"So, I'm not gay, then."
"Being raped doesn't suddenly turn you gay. Discovering our sexual identity is a process, not an event. Were you thinking about the possibility before?"
"No." A long silence ensued after this response.
"What else worries you?"
"Uh… He… I…" Johnny gagged. "Just a minute…" he gasped, holding the receiver against his leg as he struggled against his rising nausea. When he lost the battle, he threw down the phone and ran for the bathroom. He returned after a few moments. "You still there?"
"Yes. Are you okay?"
"Yeah. Just thinking about this makes me sick. I had to puke." His voice sounded shaky.
"I'm sorry."
"He… When… he… was raping me…"
"Yes. I'm so sorry." The voice conveyed acceptance.
"He… he jerked me off. I couldn't… couldn't… didn't want… omigod…" Johnny held his breath, determined not to start crying.
"It's okay. You didn't do anything wrong. It's okay. I'm so sorry." Sam couldn't hear any sound, so he asked, "Are you still there?"
"Yes." Johnny gasped for air after holding his breath for so long, relieved that he could detect no trace of condemnation or disgust in the voice.
"I want to tell you something really important that most men don't realize. Are you able to listen right now?"
"Wait a minute." Inhale, ichi, ni, san, shi, go, roku. Exhale, ichi, ni, san, shi, go, roku. He completed a few cycles and then said, "I'm ready, now."
"Okay. Many people think a man cannot have an erection if he is afraid. But, fear is a state of extreme arousal. It has nothing to do with desire."
Silence. "Is that true?" His voice was barely audible.
"Yes."
Johnny inhaled and exhaled audibly. "I can't believe I didn't know that." What good was all his medical training if he didn't know the simple mechanics of male anatomy?
"Most people don't. Male rape just isn't widely acknowledged, much less discussed."
"Huh." He fell silent a moment and then added, "This has really messed up my mind."
"Yes. It is extremely difficult for us deal with being raped. We just don't expect it to happen. It's humiliating. We all think we can defend ourselves. It just never occurs to us that we might not be able to."
"Yeah."
"It's not your fault, you know. There was probably nothing you could have done to prevent it. And the fact that you're alive now shows that you did everything you could. You handled it right. You survived. That takes a lot of strength and courage."
"I think I'm going to hang up now." His mind started going numb and he couldn't think any more.
"Okay. I'm glad you called. If you ever want to talk, please call back again any time. Again, my name is Sam, and you can ask for me, if you like. Or, you can talk with any of the people here."
"When do you usually work?"
"It varies. You can leave your number if you like, and I can call you."
"No. I don't want to do that."
"That's okay. You don't have to do anything you don't want to. I'm really glad I got to talk with you. You can call back any time you like."
"Maybe I will. Thanks, Sam."
"You're welcome."
"Bye."
"Bye."
Johnny hung up the phone. He sat on the sofa for a minute and then lay down, one arm over his eyes. Exhausted, he fell asleep almost immediately.