Previously on Harry Potter and teh Sparkling Hufflepuff Faggot...
Harry rabbit-punched Edward, who was later harassed by a hair-image-caring Draco Malfoy, claiming only a true vampire's sexiness could fix his gene pool. Hagrid then comes to save the day, wielding a fiery weapon: two dead wolves. Like nunchakus he flung them around until Edward was knocked unconscious and Malfoy fled, and all was well.
But Bella – what about Bella? Shut the fuck up, nobody gives a crap about her.
Harry stared at the unconscious forms of Edward and Bella. He was trying to decide what to do with them. Dragging them back to the castle wasn't an option. Dumbledore would freak out, he was sure. Perhaps he could leave them here. It was somewhat cold, uncaring. What if Snape were to find them?
He shuddered. No one, not even a homosexual vampire who thought he dazzled everyone deserved Severus Snape's greasy, cum-smelling cock. He shuddered again.
"What do you think, Hagrid?" Harry asked. The half-giant looked at him with a kind smile on his face. "About these two, I mean. Should we take them to the castle, let Dumbledore sort them out?"
"Great man, Dumbledore," Hagrid said seriously. "Bes' Headmaster Hogwarts' ever had, I tell ye."
Harry rolled his eyes. If Hagrid refused to share his thoughts, then he'd call the shots.
In the end they left Edward and Bella tied to a tree around their waists, hands cuffed behind their backs. To make things a little more interesting Harry charmed the clearing to light up under detection charms, so that creepy fuckers who came looking for potions ingredients would be drawn towards the place. Harry had changed his mind; Snape and Edward deserved each other.
And Bella... Well, nobody cared about Bella.
They once again tackled the path that would lead them towards the edge of the Forbidden Forest. The thick canopies of the trees blocked the moonlight, and Harry was forced to illuminate the way with his wand. Hagrid stubbornly clung to his precious loot. He carried a dead wolf over one shoulder and two pieces of another in his arms.
"What are you going to do with those?" Harry asked.
"Underwear an' soup, 'course."
"Underwear and soup," Harry repeated thoughtfully. "It could be worse, I suppose."
From the lines of trees that flanked the narrow path they heard a rustling of dead leaves. A twig crunched under the weight of some animal. Harry and Hagrid froze, the latter clutching his loot protectively to his chest, as if afraid the animal would try to steal it.
Harry prayed and prayed that whatever would come out of the trees would be just an animal, just a common thing to be found in forests. This night had seen enough weird shit. He hungered for a teenage dragon, perhaps a ravenous Acromantula; normal things. The rustling sounds were evidence of an animal of some kind, and when a large wolf jumped a few feet in front of them Harry thought his wish had come true.
The large, brown wolf sniffed the air in their direction. Hagrid growled in an annoyed fashion and licked his loot as thoroughly as he could, thinking nobody would think of the dead wolves as food if someone had staked a claim in such fashion beforehand.
Harry saw the moment the wolf – the one that looked angry and oddly intelligent, and was very much alive – spotted his dead comrades. It let out an inhuman howl and stalked closer. Harry raised his wand threateningly but the potential doom a short twig could bring down on it was lost on the creature.
But instead of charging ahead and trying to rip them to pieces, the wolf stopped and sat on its hind legs. Suddenly it morphed, and in the wolf's place there was a young man. He was only wearing faded, blue shorts and had a very muscular frame. His skin was tanned from being out in the sun and he had a 24-pack that rippled powerfully in his tense stance.
"Hot!Teenwolf, Gay!Lonewolf!" he cried in anguish. His eyes narrowed and his sexy biceps bulged. "What have you done to them? Answer me!"
Harry stared incredulously at the young man. At least this sudden occurrence wasn't that far off from the usual. While Animagi were rare, they weren't unheard of either. That this man thought Hagrid's prizes were his friends or acquaintances was a little disturbing, but nothing compared to what he'd seen that night.
"Err, yeah... They were dead when we found them," Harry lied. He lowered his wand. "They're just wolves, you know. I'm sure you can find yourself a human girlfriend or something."
"They're my friends, my pack! You killed the sole defence the world has against the Cold Ones!"
Harry looked sideways at Hagrid and back at the Animagus. He could feel his IQ dropping the more the man spoke. His accent suggested he was American, too. Perhaps he could be persuaded into looking for Edward, so that he and Hagrid could finally get the fuck out of this place. Harry was sure Bella wasn't important to this shape-shifter.
"What's your name?" Harry asked politely.
"I'm Jacob!" the man said manly.
"Right, Jacob. So listen, there's a vampire back there, tied to a tree. You could go see if he knows what happened to these wolves. We found him killing them, but it was too late to stop him."
"Cullen?" he hissed.
"Err, no. I'm Harry." Jacob gave him a blank look. "Hey, can you at least wear a shirt or something?"
Jacob shook his head, displaying two rows of huge, white teeth, which seemed to glow in the dark. "Can't do it. My contract says I have to be partially naked for at least an hour. The team and all that."
"Yeah, whatever you say." Harry peered at him intently. "You're employed by the Ministry, Jacob?" he guessed. While his attire didn't suggest he was anything but a hobo, the overall intelligence displayed screamed of pureblood. "I thought wizards rarely entered this forest."
"What – wizard? You're a wizard?"
"Yes," Harry said slowly. "I'm a wizard."
"An' a thumpin' good on' at tha'," Hagrid put in.
"Shut up, Hagrid."
Before the strange conversation could go any further, several things happened at once.
A blond bitch Harry correctly identified as Malfoy stormed into the clearing. He was clutching his wand in his hand and seemed to be back to normal. His arms weren't shaking anymore and his skin seemed to sparkle under the moonlight. He was no longer Draco Malfoy, scion of the pureblood Malfoy line. He was now Drakey-poo, sparkling faggot.
From above descended a dark figure, clad in black robes and black boots. He was oddly pale too, and in hand carried a very long, dark wand. Harry's scar threatened to split his head in half. Through the pain he noticed the new arrival had a black aura about him. Everything about him was dark. And black. And generally without light.
As Harry went down on his knees, clutching his pounding head in his hands, he felt Hagrid tense beside him. An argument started between Jacob, Drakey-poo, the dark figure and the half-giant, who still insisted the dead wolves belonged to him.
But just when Harry thought things couldn't get any worse, a white blur went past him, heading towards Jacob. He saw it was Edward, free of his binds. The vampire stopped half-way between Jacob and Malfoy, who stood with his wand raised next to the dark figure. Edward looked back and forth.
"You!" he pointed an accusing finger at the dark figure. "I know you!"
The dark figure stalked forward, black robe billowing near the ground. There were a pair of very bright red eyes that shone from inside his hood. Everything seemed to shine this night.
The new arrival stared fixedly at Edward, and out of the black – err, blue – drew his wand.
"Diggory!" he hissed in a high-pitched voice. "You're alive? How the Devil are you still alive?"
"Voldemort! Not again!" Edward cried, a note of panic in his voice.
"Cullen!" Jacob roared manly, pushing his chest out. "Where's my Bella! What have you done to her? She loves me. She just doesn't know it yet."
"Nobody cares about that whore!" Malfoy shrieked, pale skin sparkling like Edward's. His head snapped to the side and silver, homosexual eyes settled on Harry. "Potter!"
"Is tha' Malfoy?" Hagrid bellowed.
Harry looked around. They had come to a stand-still. At his side Hagrid was silent, and in the silence that followed he thought he caught a sad look on the half-giant's face. He understood what was missing.
"Hagrid!" Harry cried dramatically. "Am I really a wizard?"
The half-giant grinned and slung the dead Hot!Teenwolf and Gay!Lonewolf over his shoulder. "Aye, yer a wizard, 'Arry. An' a thumpin' good on' at tha'."
Tension was thick in the air. All it would take was one move out of place, one false step or biting comment and the battle would begin. There were many enemies and few allies. Harry at least knew he could count on Hagrid's poisonous farts and odd proficiency with wolf-nunchakus.
There would be many things to worry about in the oncoming chaos. Edward could try to dazzle his enemies with a smile and a sultry, lulling voice. Draco, heedless of the danger, could expose his pale, sparkling body to Harry in an attempt to distract him, a move that would capture Edward's loving affections.
Jacob had already taken off his shirt, so there wasn't much more he could do. And Voldemort was the most dangerous of all, because he was dark. And wearing black. And generally was without light.
Harry fingered the Holly wand, his palms sweaty and head pounding fiercely. He felt more than saw Hagrid getting ready, scrunching his face up in concentration, ready to fire. His face was slowly turning red from the effort. Everyone stood still and silent, waiting for something to set off the sparkling festivities.
Our heterosexual hero saw Malfoy's hand unbuckling his belt; Harry raised his wand; Voldemort raised his; Jacob looked around for his shirt; Edward asked Harry if he was dazzled by him; and Hagrid's farts rented the night in half.
The battle began.
(Written by IdSayWhyNot)