The bloodied body of Edward Cullen stumbled through the doors of the Great Hall, drawing gasps from the shocked students and professors.

"Do you believe me now!" Harry snarled. "He just won't die."

"Mr. Potter," McGonagall snapped, a glazed expression crossing her face, "100 points from Gryffindor for insulting such a... magnificent and dignified guest of Hogwarts."

Harry looked at his head of house in shock before turning his attention back to the vampire. Cullen had what appeared to be ectoplasmic residue all over his face, and it made him look like he just finished filming a bukkake porno. Unfortunately, far from being repulsed, the females of Hogwarts seemed instantly taken by the limping vampire.

"Oh my gawd, he's so shinny."

"Look at his hair. It's so...rogue and dangerous."

"Do you think he'd let me touch his goo?"

"They don't make them like that at Hogwarts." Hermione said lustfully. "What do you think he is?"

"No!" Harry took two quick steps over to the Gryffindor table and slapped his friend across the face as hard as he could. "Why did you have to ask that?"

"Sthay it," Edward said with a slight lisp. Obviously having Voldemort expelled from his body had given Cullen some kind of speech impediment.

Hermione licked her lips, and, ignoring the large slap mark on her face, got up from her seat and began walking closer to the vampire.

"Sthay it."

"Sthay it!"

Hermione opened her mouth, but, before she could state the obvious, booming footsteps could be heard. A moment later, a bruised Hagrid entered the great hall, holding Dumbledore under his right arm.

"Hagrid!" Harry said, never more happy to see the retarded gamekeeper.

"Harry," Hagrid said, his eyes flashing a dark red. "Yer a thumpin' good wizard!"

"Hagrid?"

A stupid grin crossed Hagrid's face as he held a limp Dumbledore. "A great man that Dumbledore!" Without hesitation, Hagrid stretch Dumbledore's still body between his arms and raised the headmaster up so that the entire student body could see him. Then, with a move that was straight out of the W.W.E., Hagrid slammed the Headmaster's frail body into the back of his knee before letting the old man fall to the ground."

"Hagrid!" Harry cried out in horror. "Look what you've done!"

"A thumpin' good wizard!" Hagrid said manically. "A thumpin' good on'!"

"Hagrid, I know you're...special and all, but Dumbledore is gay." Harry said, ignoring the fact that Dumbledore being gay was not actually canon but rather a lame after interview done by J.K. Rowling. "Everyone's going to think you're intolerant toward homosexuals now."

Hagrid stomped his foot impatiently, and he gestured to his red eyes. "A thumpin' good wizard, Harry. A thumpin' good on'!"

"I'm sorry Hagrid, but this is for your own good. Maybe if we get out in front of this, we can make it look like something else besides a hate crime. Petrificus Totalis!" Harry said, wishing he could use a different spell at this point.

The spell struck Hagrid in the chest and the giant roared with laughter. "Yer a wizard... Potter."

Harry froze. Hagrid never called him Potter, and, come to think of it, when did Hagrid get red eyes?

Suddenly, it all clicked. "Hagrimort?"

"And a thumpin' good on'!" Hagrimort said triumphantly.

Whirling around, Harry angrily walked up to Cullen, continually ignoring the throng of onlookers, who had remained completely frozen during his dialogue with Hagrimort. "This is all your fault!"

As if magically released from their temporarily paralysis, the girls of Hogwarts all stood up in synchrony and drew their wands.

"Potter, you leave him alone!" Katie Bell snarled. "He's my soul mate! I just know it!"

"Say's who?" Angelina Johnson spat, now aiming her wand at her fellow Chaser. "He sparkled at me first!"

"Bullshit! I saw him way before any of you did," Alicia Spinnet said. "His goo will be mine, and we shall sparkle together for eternity!"

"Bitch!"

"Whore!"

"Slag!"

"Stupefy!"

"Stupefy!"

"Stupefy!"

Harry had to duck as every female member of Hogwarts fired the same spell at each other. It was utter and complete madness. Half the student population firing spells while the boys simply looked on in complete and utter confusion at what was happening.

Still, Harry couldn't help but be happy about the impromptu fight. While the girls were clearly insane, he had finally –through an incredibly long and drawn out plot device– learned a new spell.

Raising his wand, Harry took aim and carefully said, "Stupefy!"

(Written by pureb99/The Santi)