Johnny sat cross-legged on the floor, back pressed against the sofa. A pot sat beside his right knee. He closed his eyes and began to breathe. Inhale, ichi, ni, san, shi, go, roku. Exhale, ichi, ni, san, shi, go, roku. He deliberately began to remember the rape. Every detail. What he heard. Breathing. Flesh hitting against flesh. His screams. What he saw. His hands. His blood. Barnes' face. What he tasted. Blood. Salt. Bitterness. What he smelled. Raw meat. Vomit. Barnes. What he felt. Pain. Fear. Humiliation. All coherent thought fled in the maelstrom of sensory and tactile memories. A shiver built within his chest, the trembling rippling outward to his arms and legs. His heart pounded and his lungs sucked air in little gasps. His hair became plastered to his head. Sweat dripped off his face and trickled down his neck. It ran from under his arms and poured down his back and chest. It seeped from his groin. He vomited. He cried. He thought he would lose his mind, but he stayed with it. Minutes became hours became days became months became eternities. Then he unexpectedly felt something, like a pop, and then the intensity of the feelings drained away. He opened his eyes and tried to feel the same terror and rage and shame as before, but he simply couldn't. There it was. He had been raped. He examined the event dispassionately. The rape no longer had him.

A few days later, Johnny requested to see Cap in his office once more, just before the shift change.

"I wanted to explain to you why I didn't bring all this up sooner." Johnny sat calmly in the chair.

"It's okay, John. I think I understand."

"No. No, you don't." He paused, looked away, and then looked back. "I would never do anything to endanger anyone here. I hope you know that."

Cap nodded, saying nothing, not wanting to interrupt the paramedic.

"I never said anything because ... because I thought it was over. I needed it to be over."

"It's okay, John. Nobody's blaming you for what Barnes did. He was crazy. It wasn't your fault."

Johnny nodded brusquely. "I'm sorry."

"It's okay, John. I understand."

"Okay."

Cap sat at his desk for a few moments after Johnny left. He thought he understood, but something unrecognizable shone in the depths of the other man's eyes that he couldn't identify. He knew Johnny had talked with Dr. Wilson once or twice, as had Roy, and he supposed that both paramedics were doing okay. Otherwise, he would have heard something. Cap rose from his desk and rubbed his hand over his face. Being held at gunpoint didn't appear in the fine print when he signed up to be a firefighter.

"You're feeling not only the normal aftereffects of being held at gunpoint, but probably also survivor's guilt about what happened to your partner." Dr. Wilson sat in a chair near Roy's bed.

"What do you mean by survivor's guilt?"

"Even though you were not the one sexually assaulted, you were threatened and you had to watch someone you care about suffer. Now that you know the reason, you feel guilty. And probably angry."

"Yeah. Yeah, I do. It's very confusing."

"You are going to have to carefully re-examine your own thinking and feelings about rape. About who you think gets raped and why. Here's the reality: Rape is a life-threatening assault. It's a brutal act of anger. Barnes wanted to hurt someone and he chose Johnny as the target for his rage. There was nothing he could have done to stop it. Being raped is not a sign of weakness. And, surviving takes incredible strength. If you can get Johnny to talk to you, that's good. You can help him by showing him that you want to listen to him, that you still respect him. And, he can help you understand and deal with it as well."

Roy nodded.

"Now, let's talk about your feelings of guilt…"

Roy tossed and turned in the quiet dark of the dorm, thoughts of the recent horrifying events and revelations keeping him awake. As sleep eluded him, he heard Johnny's breath quicken and saw his partner jerk awake, eyes wide open in alarm. Johnny glanced over at Roy and smiled at him, before settling himself once again on the bunk. Roy heard the slow, deliberate breathing that signified his friend was meditating. Johnny's face and body appeared relaxed and soon Roy heard a return of the quiet, even breaths of sleep. Giving up on sleeping in the dorm, Roy gathered up his turnout gear to head for the break room. Maybe tomorrow he would ask Johnny about this meditation thing.

Roy and Johnny hiked up the hill behind Roy's house. Roy had been back to work for a few shifts, but they had not made an opportunity to talk until now. The two stopped on a point overlooking the valley below. Sunlight washed the valley in bright green while the shadows added a darker hue. The breeze ruffled their hair, chilling the air while the late November sun warmed the rocks upon which they sat. They sat side-by-side in silence, gazing at the view spread before them.

"I always like it up here," commented Johnny.

"Uh huh."

Johnny sat with his knees bent up at chest level, arms loosely encircling them, ankles crossed. "So. Are you ready to talk?" he asked with a hint of amusement.

Roy kept his gaze focused on the panorama before him. "This is a switch. Seems like it's been me trying to get you to talk lately."

Roy caught the flash of Johnny's grin out of the corner of his eye as his partner spoke. "That's because I'm more subtle than you are."

Roy laughed. "You're as subtle as a Mack truck, Junior."

Both men fell silent, looking out over the valley again. Roy became lost in his thoughts. He had talked about rape with Dr. Wilson and read a lot about it as well. He couldn't - didn't want to - imagine what it must have been like. He had seen just a glimpse of the pain his friend suffered. And it scared him. If something like this could happen to Johnny, that meant he, too, was vulnerable. Had not Barnes threatened him as well? Despite all that he read, the thought that you should be able to prevent something like this still lurked. He felt guilty for thinking that. Part of him was glad it hadn't happened to him. And, he felt even guiltier about that.

"What are you thinking, Roy?"

"You just never think that anything like that can happen. Not to us."

"That's what we all like to think. Unfortunately, it's not true. I don't know how often it happens, because it sure as hell isn't something we're going to bring up in the locker room. It doesn't sound good. It goes against our image of manhood. When you've been raped, you've lost it."

"Is that what you think?"

"No, not any more. I've had a long time to deal with it already. I'm learning… I don't know how to explain this. Remember this time last year, when I thought I lost my license?"

"Yeah."

"My identity was wrapped up in being a paramedic. I thought it was who I was, not what I did. I found out that wasn't true. This is kind of the same, but a lot harder. I've had to find out who I was again. From the inside, not the outside. Does that make any sense?"

"Yeah. Kind of."

They fell silent again. Then Roy spoke. "So, how are you?"

"Doing better. Although sometimes it's hard to tell." He laughed once, then started talking again. "This has been the worst thing that has ever happened to me. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. Not even my worst enemy. My life is totally changed. I'm not the same man. I can never go back to the way I was. I've learned some things. And, some things I didn't want to know. I am getting better, but I could have done without this."

"What has been the hardest?"

"Probably being afraid all the time. I don't know how women do it."

"How did you get over it?"

"I don't really know. I think karate helped. Maybe you should try karate, Roy. You might like it. Bring Chris. It would be good for him, too. There are quite a few kids in the class. Lots of them are better than me." A grin accompanied this last sentence.

Maybe he would try karate and learn a little self-defense, too. "When do you go to class?"

"Four o'clock on days off, except Sundays."

"Johnny. Before the engine arrived…" Roy looked back out over the valley, leaving the sentence hanging between them.

Johnny's eyes wandered over the greens and browns of the vegetation spread below them. "Roy, I would lay down my life for you."

"I'm glad the engine got there when it did."

"Yeah."