She ran a comb through her hair for the millionth time, checked her reflection in the mirror, straightened her shirt, and then repeated the process over and over again. She was so nervous, it had been several months since she had seen Willow, and to be honest, they haven't left on the best of terms. They sure as hell didn't make a "how to be friends with your friends after they have kicked you out of your house during an apocalypse" handbook…she wasn't sure of who she was going to say, how she would even start to mend their relationship, she wasn't sure of anything until the doorbell rang and Willow pulled her into a close hug. She was sure this girl was her best friend and she could forgive her of anything.
"You look good!" Willow chirped as she pulled back from the embrace. Buffy smiled at her. "Thanks so do you. South America really agrees with you." "Nah. I was burnt to a crisp the first month, so really sunscreen really agrees with me." "Oh. Well you look happy." "I am. Really, really happy…really happy in the way that's not." "Huh?" "Well I mean I don't want to be like whiney or anything…but…." "But?" "Kennedy is driving me crazy!" Willow burst out. "She already started with the L word." Willow whispered exasperated. "The L word?" Buffy inquired. "LOVE!" the red head wailed, plopping down on the couch. "I mean I like her Buffy, and the sex…the sex is out of this world. But love? I barely even know her and she keeps dropping that word over and over, and of course it's really awkward if you don't say it back, so I just keep saying it over and over. It is not of the good Buff." Buffy smiled slightly, patting her distressed friend on the shoulder. "I mean Buffy, it's not like with Tara, when I would look at her and just know, you know…when she would kiss me, it was like time would stop just for us, like nothing else existed except for her mouth and they way it made me feel. It was like being home." She looked sad, wistfully brushing at tears that had yet to fall from her eyes. "I'm sorry Will, I know how much you miss her." She shook her head, forcing a watery smile. "No, it's ok. I just…I still look for her in the morning, still check to see if she is calling…" she lowered her voice to a whisper. "Buffy, I feel like a bad person but when Kennedy and I…you know…I still close my eyes and pretend it's Tara." Her face flushed red.
She smiled kindly at her friend, trying to push back all of the feelings that came every time they talked about Tara. Good, kind, Tara, who had taken care of everyone. "It's okay to feel that way Willow." She didn't know what else to say to comfort her, she was running through a list of possibilities when Willow blurted. "I'm sorry!" "Again I say huh?" "I'm sorry Buffy." "For what?" "For kicking you out of your own home, for not trusting you, for…being mad at you for what happened to Xander, for everything." Buffy stared stunned at her unable to say anything, biting back the harsh words that rose in her throat. "It was my fault Will, I…what happened to Xander is on me." "No! I mean yeah…but no! You couldn't have possibly known what would happen, I know that. It was all just a horrible jumble of stuff, but…I blamed you, I blamed you for Tara death's…I just blamed you." "I never wanted what happened to happen, I just…I needed to keep you guys alive, to stop Caleb from picking off people who were my responsibility…instead I brought you guys too him on platter." 'A lot of stuff was going on Buffy, yet again all of it fell to you, I don't know how you have done it, I would have lost it a long time ago…I'm proud of you." Buffy looked at her friend, all resentment and distance melting away in the span it took the Slayer to lean over and crush her friend into a hug. "I love you Will, and it's been so lonely without you." Willow beamed, returning the embrace. "Love you too Buff."
They stayed that way for awhile, both enjoying the closeness and being reunited. "Oh Buffy," "Yeah?" "Could you ease up a little bit, I think one of my ribs is close to breaking?" "Oh!" she exclaimed, released her friend and smiling sheepishly at her. "Sorry!" Willow rubbed her side. "It's cool." Buffy was still smiling, genuinely happy for the first time in a while. "So spill." Willow stated catching Buffy off guard. "Spill what? What spilled?" "You spill. You didn't ask me over here for this reunion as great as it has been. What's up? You said you needed to talk." Her heart fell as she mumbled. "Oh that." "What is it?" "It's…well…It's… this whole thing is about," "Spike." Willow finished for her as Buffy nodded miserably.
Willow sighed once. "Oh boy," she started. "Will, you don't have to say anything; I know you didn't really like him, hell no one really liked him." "No I did like him." "But you and Xander, and Giles you guys all hated him." "Well I didn't, I mean we weren't the best of friends, but he took care of Dawn and you…and Xander will kill me when he hears me say this. Screw 'em!" "Excuse me?" "Screw 'em! When I was with Tara I cared so much about what you guys would think of her that I alienated her from the group, really in a perfect world we would just accept the people we loved have chosen to love. So I was cool with him, until he tried to rape you and then…well when I found out, it was really hard not to go all veiny again…then he got his soul for you, things kinda changed after that. He loved you Buffy, he really, really loved you." Buffy's face was scrunched up as she tried to fight back the wave of emotions. "I know." She finally whispered as Willow took one of her hands. "Did you love him?" Buffy chuckled, a sad sound in the otherwise silent house. "I think I may have…yeah." "But? I'm sensing a but coming on," "He didn't believe me, I told him right before he sacrificed himself for me, for all of us, but he didn't believe me." She leapt to her feet suddenly. "And why should he, all I ever did was treat him like shit! I used him and abused him, and was more evil to him than I even thought I had in me, and still, still he loved me. We put each other through hell and still, he loved me, he accepted me, for what I am, not what he wanted me to be. "
Buffy was crying now, streams of tears sliding down her cheeks. "What can I do to help? I want to help." Willow clasped one of the Slayers hand in her own. "I told him too late Will, he was the only reason I found the strength in that battle and I told him too late." "Maybe it's not too late." "What do you mean?" "Well…maybe, I can contact him…ghosty him. So you can tell him." You can do that?" "Never have before, but considering I brought forth a whole army of Slayers, I'm thinking yes." Buffy wiped at her eyes, clasping the witches' other hand. "Ok Will, let do it."