Episode 3x08

A/N I just survived torture. Barely. I watched it again. [Enter Casey-grunt here. #4. Disgusting.] But I loved these bad guys. They were so...kinda adorable. I'm sorry they died.

About the whole name thing – Samantha Lisa What's-her-surname? I don't buy it. Either the writers screwed up (again) or she lied. I believe she lied. If you disagree, just too damn bad (LOL). (If anyone out there is named Samantha Lisa, I do apologise, I don't mean to offend.) I named her Jillian once, thought it would be a little twisted, but is there any other name out there that would feel as right as Sarah Walker? I've read a few fics that called her Sandra (personal opinion: no), Elizabeth (too close to Lisa, actually the same thing) and Margaret (I liked that one). I haven't decided if I'm going to name her. Read this and see.

Found two Charah moments (technically one of them probably doesn't count, seeing as neither Chuck nor Sarah was in the scene). I've written it anyway. Forgive the script format - the dialogue was the focus. Besides, how many ways can you describe chopping onions?

This is what actually happened (if I owned Chuck, which I don't):

Big Mike: Bartowski is killing it with the ladies.

Lester: Yeah. First there was that hot girl from Stanford.

Jeff: Jill.

Lester: Yeah.

Jeff: Then the brunette with the overpriced deli.

Big Mike: Lou. She was a fine miniature piece of woman.

Lester: And now Hannah. I could moisturise her feet with my saliva.

Jeff: Don't you get it? None of that matter. Chuck may try to replace her, but when he's with Sarah, the light in his eyes shines brightly.

Big Mike (sniffing): Damn onions.

[Section break]

Sarah snapped out of her trance and took in her surroundings. This was definitely a cause for concern. Spies couldn't afford to zone out like this. She didn't remember driving here. Maybe she needed a holiday. It's been over three years. The thought of taking time off since this mission started had never crossed her mind. Okay, that was a lie. It crossed her mind twice.

Chuck asked her to go to Mexico. He would pick up the daiquiris if the CIA got the plane tickets. Coach was fine. She thought it was incredibly sweet. And she had to answer with "it would be unprofessional". Truth be told, it was really tempting, but it was just one of the many sacrifices she had to make over the years to avoid being reassigned.

A few months later he asked her if she would do him the honour of taking a vacation with him. For a moment she thought he was going to ask an entirely different question. Somewhere between holding her breath in anticipation and him saying "vacation", she remembered her orders. The greater good. And what she was trying to tell him. "Chuck, I'm leaving in the morning. The details are classified, but I'm working on the new intersect project...with Bryce." That was the moment she knew. When he coldly thanked her for coming to the wedding – "good for the cover" – and left her standing there in tears without so much as a backward glance, she realised she could never leave. Despite her resolve to follow orders like she'd always done, to stay in the comfort zone she created for herself, there was no way she could leave this behind. Leave Chuck behind.

Damn it, she did it again. Not remembering getting out of the car or crossing the street, she found herself hiding behind a plant in the courtyard. Ever since earlier today, when she thought Rafe was going to kill her, she'd been having flashbacks. Mostly about Chuck. She really thought his face was the last thing she'd ever see. The only thing that echoed through her mind was that he heard her conversation with Shaw and she was never going to get a chance to set the record straight. That's why she ended up here. She watched as Chuck knocked on Ellie's door.

"Hi."

"Hi...uhm...you said that I could come to you...if I ever needed to talk..."

Sarah knew she shouldn't be listening to this, but the sadness in his voice kept her rooted on the spot. Chuck was not okay and she was worried about him. He used to talk to her. But that was before.

"Yeah, I'm so glad. Please...start at the beginning."

"I feel like I'm living a lie, Ellie. I used to be able to compartmentalise things, but it's like it's all the time now, it never stops...I feel like I'm not me anymore."

Sarah placed her hand over her mouth to muffle a sob. He lived the lie so well in these past days, just like she told him to. She was disappointed that he was able to pull it off. He was stepping further into the spy world every day. And at the same time further away from her. She never realised what this was doing to him. She didn't know what was going on in his head. Aside from work, she wasn't a part of his life anymore. That realisation hurt more than anything else when she watched Hannah having dinner with Chuck and the Awesomes the previous night.

"I think I know what this is about."

"You do?"

Damn it, Chuck. You should be able to talk to me about this. You can't tell Ellie everything. You're just going to end up having to lie to her again and that is going to make you feel worse. If only I didn't lie to you about what's going on with Shaw, you would still trust me. I shouldn't have let my jealousy rule my common sense on this one. That was really stupid.

"Maybe things are moving too fast with Hannah...and, even though you really like her, it's feels dishonest because the truth is that you still have feelings for Sarah. Does that sound about right?"

Ellie got it wrong. This wasn't about Hannah. She saw Chuck yesterday morning. For a moment it almost brought a smile to her face to see him act like that again. Like the old Chuck. But her heart was crushed when Casey pointed out, not too subtly, why Chuck was dancing around on cloud nine. Hannah was not just a rebound girl like she hoped. Chuck was moving on. He got over her. Sarah wished she knew how to get over him. She didn't want to, but given everything that happened, what choice did she have?

"See this is...uhm...this is why I don't come talk to you Ellie, 'cause you're half a spy."

"I'm sorry, Chuck, maybe that's not it."

"No, no, no, no. What I mean by that is that you're an excellent half a spy...thanks."

It didn't matter to Sarah whether he was lying to Ellie or not. She was too focused on the pain in his voice. She couldn't stand to see him like this. She hated herself for the part she played. She taught him this life. She forced him to lie. She lied to him. She had to figure out a way to help him. It was her job to protect him. Another lie. It stopped being about the job a long time ago. Either way, she made a hash of it lately.

"Anytime."

Ellie walked out into the courtyard and watched Chuck until he disappeared through the gates of the complex. "You can come out now, Sarah." Sarah's heart jumped into her throat. She didn't notice Ellie coming out of the apartment. Somehow she managed to compose herself. "It's not polite to spy, you know."

"Hi, Ellie." That sounded lame. Sarah stepped out from her hiding place. The last thing she was prepared for was a confrontation with Ellie.

"How much did you hear?" Ellie wasn't mad. She was still too worried about her brother.

"Everything," Sarah confessed. She didn't add that she also heard what Chuck didn't say.

"Come on." Ellie grabbed Sarah's hand, leading her into the apartment. "This has been long overdue." Sarah didn't resist, even though she really wanted to go after Chuck and make sure he's okay. Maybe this wasn't the best time to do that.

"Do you still love him?" Ellie barely gave her a chance to sit down. "And don't give me the we're-just-friends-line or mention the word complicated." Well, that limited her options. The honest truth or another lie? Sarah opted for the safe choice. She kept quiet.

Ellie sighed and took a seat next to Sarah on the couch. "I just don't get it. Chuck loves you, Sarah. The way his eyes light up when he looks at you...even now...even when things between you two are...you know." Sarah couldn't meet Ellie's eyes. She was fighting hard to keep the tears at bay. "He never looked at Hannah that way. Or Jill for that matter."

"I'm not so sure anymore, Ellie." That was the truth. She wanted nothing more than to believe Ellie, but ever since Hannah arrived in Burbank, Chuck distanced himself from her. He never did that before, despite all her efforts to push him away in the past. But if she was completely honest, it could also have something to do with the fact that he thought she was with Shaw. She had no one to blame for that one but herself.

"I am. I know my brother." The irony of that statement wasn't lost on Sarah. "And I may not know you as well as I know Chuck, but I see that same light in your eyes." That caught Sarah a little off guard. "You still love him, Sarah." Ellie paused for a moment to let the statement sink in before she continued. "I understand that you two probably have some things to work through, but don't let anything or anyone stand in the way of your love for each other. Nothing can ever be more important than that."

Sarah took a shaky breath. "You're right, Ellie. I just...I don't know how to do this." Sarah could seduce a mark into doing almost anything, reveal anything, but this was Chuck. This was real.

"Take a page from the Book of Morgan," Ellie suggested, "he's been relentlessly pursuing me for the better part of twelve years now."

Sarah let out a breathless laugh, the tension of earlier momentarily forgotten. "That's not getting him anywhere."

"Ah," Ellie smiled back, "if I ever felt anything more for him than borderline tolerance, it just might have." Ellie turned serious again. "I know it's scary to put yourself out there, and that's normal, but just have a little faith. Chuck is not going to disappoint you, Sarah."

[Section break]

Sarah tracked Chuck through the GPS in his watch. She paused at the entrance of the bar and took a deep breath.

"This seat taken?" What was it with her and lame responses today?

"You know it's not. No need to use a line on me." Chuck turned back to his drink. "What's your poison?"

Sarah decided to ignore his comment and nodded to the bartender. "I'll have what he's having."

Chuck raised an eyebrow in surprise, still not looking at her. "Never figured you'd go for the hard stuff."

"Depends on the occasion," she simply answered. He didn't need to know that she was looking for some liquid courage. When she had her drink, Chuck raised his glass to her in a mock salute.

"To the biggest jerk you'll ever meet."

Sarah's head snapped up. "What?"

"No, no, no, the best liar. That's it. But it's the same thing really." Chuck drowned the last of whiskey, signalling for another.

"Chuck, what happened?" Sarah had a feeling that this was about more than the mission.

"Nothin'," he mumbled as he picked up his glass. Sarah resisted the urge to slam hers down on the counter.

"Damn it, Chuck, this has to stop. No more lies. Not between you and me. Can we go somewhere private and talk?"

"I slept with Hannah last night and dumped her today. There, no more lies. I can't go anywhere at the moment, still a little busy here," he took another sip of his drink, "and you should really go home. Shaw is probably worried. We can talk tomorrow...maybe."

Sarah squeezed her eyes shut for a moment. He wasn't making this easy, but she had no intention of giving up just yet. She was thrilled that he broke up with Hannah, but she hated seeing him like this. She surveyed the bar and found what she was looking for. "I'll be right back." Chuck didn't respond.

Sarah found some quarters in her purse but she paused at the jukebox. She didn't really know anything about music. She motioned a waitress over, handing her the coins. The girl looked puzzled. Sarah tried her best to explain. "Please play some...uhm...slow songs. And keep them coming until we're done."

A grin broke over the waitress' face. "That's so romantic," she sighed. Sarah gave her a somewhat fake smile. It wasn't really, but it was the best she could do to get some privacy in a public bar.

When she reached Chuck, she gently took the glass out of his fingers. "Dance with me?"

Chuck sighed. "You know I'm not really comfortable..."

"It's a slow dance and you're great at those." He was amazing actually, but then again, it didn't involve more than holding onto your partner and swaying a bit. He had some impressive dance moves in the intersect, but she preferred a slow dance with the real Chuck. Sarah was not taking no for an answer and managed to get Chuck out on the dance floor. She didn't wait for him to make a move. Closing the gap between their bodies, she wrapped her arms around his neck. Chuck's hands were resting lightly on her hips. Not what she was hoping for, but for now, it'll do. She reached up to whisper in his ear, much like she did when she told him they had to run.

"I need to tell you something. You're probably going to get mad, but please just let me explain. It's important." She felt Chuck nod against her cheek. "The thing between me and Shaw...it's not what you think. When he joined the team...I don't know...I just got this uneasy feeling. I've never heard of him before. I didn't know if he could be trusted with your secret. Our secret." Sarah stopped when the music did. Moments later another song started. "I wasn't planning to go the seduction route, but when I saw you with Hannah, I guess my jealousy got the better of me."

"Sarah..." he whispered.

"Wait, there's something else." If she stopped now, she was scared she might not have the courage to see this through. "I lied to him...about my name. I was hoping it would get him to trust me more. But Chuck, if I had any idea you were listening, I would never have said any of that, even if it was a lie. I would never hurt you like that on purpose. You have to believe me."

Chuck didn't respond immediately, but his hands moved to her back, holding her a little tighter. He finally broke the silence with a whisper. "It doesn't matter." Chuck felt Sarah stiffen. "It mattered for about ten minutes." He took a deep breath. "Sarah...earlier today...when you were lying on the floor after that shot...I thought you were dead..." Chuck took a moment to compose himself. Sarah tightened her grip. Chuck responded by wrapping his arms around her. "I realised nothing will ever be as important as knowing you're here and safe. Your name...Shaw...none of it. As long as I don't lose you like that...I can deal with the rest."

Sarah wiped away a tear before returning her hand to the back of his neck. "I thought that was it." She was never scared of dying before, but yesterday was different. It meant leaving Chuck.

"Yeah, but it wasn't. We got a second chance. I know things between us haven't been the same since Prague...and Hannah...she's a great girl...it's just...I'm not ready...I can't move on yet."

"Chuck," Sarah took a step back so she could look at him, "I don't want you to move on."

"What do you want, Sarah?" They've stopped dancing, but they were still holding onto each other.

"I want you to love me. I want you to love me as much as I love you." Sarah held her breath, searching his face. This was it, the moment of truth.

Chuck lowered his head, resting his forehead against hers. He didn't break eye contact. "I do. I love you." Sarah let her breath out slowly. She reached up to close the distance between their lips, but Chuck pulled back, catching her eyes again. "And when I say I love you, I mean just that. You. It doesn't matter what your name is or where you grew up. I still want to know all those things, but it's just details. It's not going to make me love you any different."

Sarah smiled up at him, all the anxiety and tension forgotten. "That was very eloquent, agent Bartowski." She reached up again, whispering against his lips, "I will tell you Chuck, all of it. I promise. I want you to know because I love you." She captured his lips before he could say anything more. Chuck pulled her closer, deepening the kiss.

When they finally came up for air, Chuck gave her a big smile. "Let's go home, before I rethink my views on PDA."

A/N This was my third attempt at this episode. And it took an obscene amount of nicotine. I wanted to write the scene where Rafe held Sarah hostage, but I couldn't find an appropriate place in this chapter, so I decided on only referring to it instead. Sorry if you're disappointed that I didn't do anything with the real name issue. Let's hope the writers tackle that in season 4. It's about time they tell us Sarah's back story. In the mean time, I'll stick with the wonderful writers on this site who came up with some awesome stories.

I'm still deciding if this sucks or not. The only thing that can really help this episode is brain bleach. It was a crime against humanity.