It was cold that morning in the airplane hangar near Arlington National Cemetery, as Arizona stood with her parents. The three of them were dressed all in black, shivering as they waited together, silently. She couldn't help but wish that Nick was waiting here with her—he had been by her side since driving down that horrible night the week before. But her father said that this should be family only, and she wasn't about to argue with the Colonel. Certainly not today.
She heard the roar of an engine landing on the runway, and it grew as the plane approached, taxiing its way into the airplane hanger. She saw her mother grasp her father's hand tightly. She knew she should reach out to them, let them know she was here, but she couldn't seem to do it. Her arms were crossed firmly over her chest and she didn't think she could move them if she tried.
Finally, the plane stopped in front of them, and a conveyor belt was pushed toward it, placed precisely under the cabin. Opening the hatch, a ramp agent pulled out a coffin, draped with a flag, and centered it on the conveyor built, which brought it slowly downward. It was met by six men in uniform, their feet marching continuously in unison as they grasped its handles with care.
It didn't seem real—the ritual and the flag. It was like a performance, a dance of some sort and she was a member of the audience. And soon, the play would come to an end, and this nightmare would cease. She watched them push the coffin, which they said contained her brother's body, into the open hearse. She had wanted to see him, but they said his body was mangled beyond recognition, ripped apart by the explosion. Torn so violently that not even a surgeon could put him back together. So she would never see his body, and she would never really know if this all wasn't just some cruel fiction.
The door of the hearse closed with a click that echoed throughout the hangar. Arizona felt a hand on her back, and turned to see her teary eyed mother looking at her, telling her it was time to go to the cemetery for the interment. She followed numbly, hearing her footsteps echo through the hangar.
"No, Daddy. No!" Riley mumbled in her sleep, her arms thrashing in her sleep as her upper body tossed and turned. "Nooooooo!" she screamed, jolting up in bed. Callie rushed into the room quickly, switching on the light as she entered, "Riley? Honey, what's wrong?" she called out, her voice panicked. Riley tried to catch her breath, "I… bad dream," she choked out, a couple of stray tears falling from her eyes. She hastily swatted them away.
Arizona entered a minute later, using her crutches, her empty left pant leg flopping beneath her, "What happened?" she asked, her voice filled with concern. Callie sat on the edge of Riley's bed, "Just a bad dream." But as she placed her hand on center of the bed, she felt moisture. "Riley, honey…" pulling back the covers gently, Callie revealed a puddle of urine soaking into the sheets underneath Riley's legs.
"Oh," mumbled Riley looking away as new tears of embarrassment welled up in her eyes. Arizona's face radiated sympathy, "Honey, it's okay. Why don't you let Callie help you get cleaned up?"
"Can you help me, Arizona?" Riley asked shyly, still unable to look at Callie. Attempting to hide her hurt, Callie tried to explain neutrally and gently, "Well, babe, Arizona can't really help from crutch—"
"It's okay," Arizona said gently, looking to Callie sympathetically, "I'll go put on my leg. Can you wait about 5 minutes, Riley?" The girl nodded guiltily, finally looking up, from Callie to Arizona, "Sorry…"
"Don't worry about it," Callie said softly, gently placing a kiss on Riley's head as Arizona left to don her prosthesis.
"How's she doing?" Zola asked Sofia from their lunch table at school, sneaking worried glances at Riley from across the cafeteria. Riley's hadn't eaten with them since her father died over a month ago. She sat by herself, sometimes reading, sometimes listening to the ipod Callie and Arizona had gotten her for Christmas, always alone. Sofia shrugged in defeat, "I don't know. She barely talks. Sometimes she'll talk with Momma, but that's it. She's barely said two words to me since it happened."
Zola could tell that Sofia was upset about this and looked at her sympathetically, "Just give her some time, Sof. I mean, her dad died," she said softly. Sofia looked upward, trying to contain her frustration, "I know, but is this normal? The not talking for so long? I mean, it's been a month. When does she start acting normal again?" Sofia asked, knowing her words sounded immature, but not caring enough to hold them back.
Zola sighed, "I don't know." Sofia looked up at her friend, "I don't think you were like this when your dad died, were you?" Zola raised her eyebrows, "I don't remember, really. I was only four. I mean, I have a few memories of him, but I don't remember when he died. I don't think I really understood what was happening." Sofia nodded, sniggering to herself, "Plus your mom kinda went crazy for a year and moved you across the country." Zola forced a laugh, though she wasn't sure she found it funny.
Staring intently at Riley, Sofia kept talking, "I wonder if I was like this. You know, when my dad died." Zola shook her head, "You were what? Two? Do you even remember him at all?" Pausing briefly, Sofia shook her head, "No, I don't."
Zola watched Sofia tear off the crust of her peanut butter sandwich, deep in thought for a moment. She finally muttered, almost too quiet to hear, "Maybe it's better. Not remembering, not feeling sad. You can't miss someone you don't remember." Sofia didn't respond to that. She sat quietly for the remainder of lunch, rolling her discarded sandwich crust into tiny balls.
Callie sat on the far right cushion of the couch in the attending's lounge, with one leg resting on the coffee table in front of her and her head lolling back against the wall as she snored lightly. Just then Meredith entered the room, and seeing Callie, walked over to her, observing the scene in front of her with a mix of concern and amusement. Finally, taking a seat next to her friend, Meredith tapped her lightly on the shoulder, "Callie?"
Jostling awake, Callie mumbled, "I'm up. I'm up," turning her head to face Meredith, who was watching her cautiously, a bemused look on her face, "Hey, overnight shift last night?"
Callie shook her head, blinking the grogginess from her eyes, "Riley's having nightmares." Meredith exhaled sympathetically, "Oh, poor girl." Callie shook her head, running a hand through her hair, "I don't know what to do. She barely talks to anyone. She's having nightmares almost every night," she paused, lowering her voice discretely even though they were the only two in the room, "She's been wetting the bed."
Meredith sighed, "Losing a parent, it's hard." Callie nodded, standing up in exasperation, "I know it's hard. But how do we know when it's hard that she'll get through and hard that we should be worried about? I mean, are we doing enough?" She looked to Meredith, "I mean, when Derek died, what was it like for Zola? I know she was little, but did she understand what was happening?"
Meredith shrugged sadly, "I'm not sure how much of it she understood. She cried for a bit, but it was intermittent. She knew she missed her father, but I don't think she understood at the time that he wasn't coming back." Callie placed a hand on her forehead, covering her eyes.
Sitting back down on the couch, she rested her elbows on her knees and held her head in her hands, "She talks to Arizona, but not to me. When she … at night, after she wets the bed, I offer to help her get cleaned up, but she always asks for Arizona, even though she knows it means she has to wait for Arizona to put on her leg." Leaning back against the couch, Callie continues, "It's like… she openly favors Arizona—"
"Callie—"
"I know! I know it sounds petty because she just lost her dad and she's ten, and I'm an adult. I'm one of her guardians. She needs to come first, and if she wants Arizona, that's who she should get but…" Callie stopped, exhaling slowly as she leaned forward and folder her hands in her lap, "We haven't talked about making this… situation permanent. But I know that's what Arizona wants."
Meredith paused, choosing her words carefully, "And is that what you want?" Callie didn't answer. She closed her eyes and shook her head, waiting almost a minute before finally responding, her voice barely above a whisper.
"I don't know."
Sofia knocked softly on Riley's bedroom door. She waited a few moments before slowly entering, knowing she likely wouldn't get a response. Riley was sitting on her bed, her arms crossed over her chest tightly, staring at the opposite wall. Sofia walked tentatively toward the bed, finally taking a seat on the opposite edge of the bed, near Riley's feet.
"I'm worried about you," she said finally, staring at her hands as she continued, "You just, you aren't talking and you stopped sitting with us at school and—"
"What do you want?" snapped Riley, her eyes still focused on the opposite wall, intentionally avoiding looking towards Sofia. With a slow sigh, Sofia continued, swallowing her anxiety, "I just, I wanted you to know that you can talk to me."
Riley scoffed, rolling her eyes, "What do you know?" Sofia was taken aback by the bitterness in Riley's voice and she struggled to keep her own voice calm. "My dad died. I mean, I was a baby, but I know—"
"No, you don't," Riley bit back, finally turning to look Sofia in the eyes. Flustered, Sofia backtracked, "I mean, I didn't mean that I know exactly, but I—"
"You know nothing!" Riley shouted, her hands clenched into fists and her eyes filled with rage, "You didn't know your dad! You didn't lose anyone! He didn't mean anything to you!"
Sofia felt anger boiling in her chest, her eyes tearing up as she responded, "He wasn't nothing—"
"GET OUT!" Riley screamed, pointing toward the door aggressively, "GET OUT, NOW! I DON'T WANT YOU HERE! GET! OUT!" Hearing the noise, Arizona entered from the other room, "What's going on in here?" But Sofia has already pushed past her, storming off to her room.
"Sofia, wait!" Arizona called after her. Sofia stopped walking, but didn't turn around. From behind, she felt Arizona place a hand, gently on her back, "Bug, she's grieving."
Sofia shrugged Arizona's hand away and spun around angrily to face her mother, hot tears streaming down her face, "I can't believe you." Surprised by her daughter's fury, Arizona looked on in bewilderment, "Sofia—"
"No, Momma, just stop! You always take her side! And I'm tired of it. So, just leave me alone," Sofia yelled, flailing her arms desperately to make her point. Arizona stood in shock, feeling as if the wind had been knocked out of her, "Sofia, I don't always—"
"Yes, you do! So, just leave me alone," Sofia shouted, and not waiting for a response, turned and ran toward her room, slamming the door behind her.
Arizona stood motionless in the hallway. Seeing Callie approach from the kitchen, having come in from the porch once she heard the shouting, Arizona held her wife's gaze for a moment, before releasing a defeated sigh and walking toward their bedroom.