After a long, hot shower, Callie slowly entered her bedroom, switching off the bathroom light quietly behind her. Her wife was already in bed with the lights off, so she put on her pajamas in the dark, even though she knew Arizona was still awake. She could tell just by her breathing, and by the absence of her light snores. She crawled into bed beside her wife, staring up at the wall above her head.
"Arizona?" she whispered into the darkness. Arizona didn't respond, but Callie knew she was listening, so she continued anyway. "I love Riley, I do. But I don't… I don't feel for her what I feel for Sofia. I'm scared that she's not my daughter, and she can't be." Her confession hung in the silence, and shame filled her, creeping in deeper every second that Arizona remained silent. She cringed; her wife must think she was absolutely horrible. But finally, Arizona responded, far more gently than Callie had expected, "It takes time, Calliope. Give it time. Give her time."
Callie wished she were comforted by those words, but she wasn't. Rolling over in bed to face her wife, she looked desperately at Arizona's silhouette; she was motionlessly staring up at the ceiling, as if deep in thought. Finally, Arizona spoke, "I'm sorry. I know I haven't been fair to you. This has all been moving so fast, and I should have been communicating more. But…" her voice broke and Callie thought she saw a glimmer of tears shimmering in her wife's upturned eyes, "Please, Callie. Please give her time."
Callie shook her head as her own tears fell, "But what if it doesn't happen? What if she never feels like mine?" Not bothering to wipe away her tears, Callie continued bravely, her voice strained, "What if I don't have the open heart you do? To raise and love someone like a child who isn't my blood?"
Slowly, Arizona rolled over to face her wife, gently placing a hand on her cheek and wiping away her tears, "Calliope, how can you even think that? You have the most beautiful open heart I've ever seen." Looking sincerely into Callie's eyes she says, "Give it time."
Callie nodded as Arizona rolled back over to her side of the bed. In a few minutes, Callie heard her light snores begin, indicating that her wife had finally fallen asleep. But she just continued to stare up at the ceiling, unable to close her eyes.
Callie parked her car at the curb in the center of the cemetery. She hadn't been here in a while, and was almost surprised that she remembered exactly where to go in the winding maze of the cemetery roads that all looked so similar. And yet, how could she forget? Reaching over and grabbing her purse and the bouquet of flowers laying on the passenger seat, she opened her car door and stepped outside. It was sunny, but the air was cool and crisp. She walked onto the moist grass, slowly glancing at the identical headstones, counting them as she passed.
When she finally reached it, she felt the tears welling up in her eyes. It had been almost eight years, and yet it sometimes didn't quite feel real. She slowly lowered herself onto the wet grass, crossing her legs as she placed the flowers gently in front of the grave, placing a hand on the headstone lovingly as she finally spoke, "Hi Mark."
The headstone, of course, was silent. The only sounds were the wind in her ears and the chirps of some birds watching from up in the trees. But Callie continued anyway, convincing herself that Mark really was listening, from somewhere, even though he couldn't respond. "I know it's been a while since I've visited. It's been crazy lately." She shook her head as she continued, "I don't know if you've been watching, but Arizona and I want to have another kid. And we took in this foster child." Callie snorted, before adding, "Well, Arizona took in this foster child. She didn't exactly run it by me." Callie took a deep breath, "But that's not the problem now. I mean, maybe it sort of is. It was kind of a thing for a while, but I moved past it…. At least, I thought I had."
Taking one of the flowers from the bouquet, she began twirling it in her hand as she continued, "Anyway, it was initially a temporary placement, because her father was in a coma. Though, honestly, he'd already been in a coma for over a month, so we were really just kidding ourselves if we thought he would ever wake up." She laughed humorlessly, looking at Mark's tombstone, "I guess you know that more than anyone."
Resting her hand on her knee, she went on, "Well, as anyone could have guessed, the dad croaked." Callie felt a cringe of guilt at the cavalier way she said that, but somehow talking with Mark meant taking on a certain tone. Brushing it off, she went on, "And, it was hard. It's been hard for all of us. I mean, this girl's been living with us for a while, of course we're going to get attached," Callie mumbled, hugging her knee to her chest and resting her chin on it as she continued, "But now, Arizona wants to adopt her. Which, I guess I should have seen coming, even though she never actually talks to me about any of this."
She closed her eyes, feeling a lump beginning to build in her throat. "She loves her," Callie whispered, opening her eyes and looking to the sky as a single tear rolled down her face, "I mean, Arizona. She just really loves this kid. Riley." She sniffled as another couple of tears made their way down her cheeks, "And I'm just worried that if we don't adopt this kid, if I can't do it, that Arizona will never be able to forgive me." She scoffs, wiping the tears from her eyes, "I mean, in Arizona's eyes, Riley is already hers. How I can force her to give up her kid? Not after she made Sofia her own, even after well, how she was conceived."
Callie stifled a sob, burying her head in her knee, overwhelmed by the situation, "And I love her, Mark. Riley, I really do love her. But I don't feel like she's mine. And Arizona says it will come. She has this faith that it will just happen, if I give it time. But what if it doesn't?" Her sobs intensified as she continued, "And if that's how I feel, what if Riley feels the same way? I mean, if she doesn't feel a connection to me, then I shouldn't be her mom."
She sat like that for a moment, sobbing on the grass in the middle of the cemetery. When her cries finally subsided, she wiped her nose on her sleeve, looking desperately at Mark's tombstone, "So, no advice, huh?" she joked. She sat there waiting, trying desperately to listen to whatever Mark might be telling her, if he could tell her anything.
And she felt it, after a moment. It was a feeling in her bones that felt as clear as if he had literally spoken to her. And while it rarely happened when he was alive, she laughed to find that Mark agreed with Arizona, "Give it time, Torres. Give her time."
Callie woke to whispering early in the morning. Her groggy mind quickly identified the quiet voice as belonging to her girlfriend, Arizona, who was sitting up next to her in bed. She was about to respond, to tell Arizona to speak up, when she realized that her girlfriend wasn't addressing her, but rather, she was addressing her stomach. Callie wanted to smile, but didn't want her to stop. When it came to matters of their growing child, Arizona's affection for the fetus could sometimes seem like a small bird—easily frightened away if startled.
"Hey bug," Arizona whispered into Callie's stomach, and Callie swelled with warmth at the affectionate name her girlfriend had given their child. "I know you heard your mother and I arguing last night. Well, let's be honest. The idea that a fetus can hear, much less understand, a conversation is about as ridiculous as the idea that corpses can but… but I don't want to take chances with this one." She paused, before continuing, "Besides, according to Nick, talking to dead people is for the living, so maybe this is the same thing. Not that you're dead; you're clearly very much alive. But... I guess what I'm saying is that I need to say this. For me. Because I couldn't sleep last night thinking about you growing up and not understanding this."
"I know you heard me say that this isn't my dream," Arizona paused and Callie felt her breath catch. Those words still echoed in her head so clearly. They had swum through her anxious dreams that night. Her girlfriend took a deep breath before continuing, "I didn't mean that. Well, maybe I did, in a way. But, you, little bug," she inhaled sharply, and continued, her voice wet, "You are perfect. You are a piece of Calliope, who I love so much. And I see how much she loves you, how much she's always loved you. So how could I not love you?"
She continued, sniffling into her sleeve and gently placing a kiss on Callie's bulging belly, her lips just barely gracing her girlfriend's skin, "You aren't what I dreamed, but you're even better."
Sitting up, straighter, she spoke up more, her voice no longer a whisper, "So, when are we going to let your mother know that we know she's been listening this entire time?"
Callie's eyes shot open, momentarily guilty at being caught, but that feeling vanished when she saw her girlfriend's loving blue eyes staring back at her. Sitting up, she pulled Arizona's face to hers, kissing her on the lips before pulling her into her arms, and holding her tightly, the two only separated by the bulge of their growing baby between them.
"Sofia, will you please grab Riley's backpack from the car?" Arizona asked as she assisted Riley out of the car. Sofia crossed her arms over her chest, "That's not my job."
"Just do it, please," Arizona instructed sternly, "And please watch your tone." Rolling her eyes, Sofia climbed back into the van, emerging with Riley's purple backpack in hand. Tossing it carelessly onto Riley's lap, Sofia began to walk into school, but stopped when she heard the voice of a parent talking to Arizona.
"Oh, do you need help with your daughter?"
Sofia turned around, about to shout back at this nosy parent that they were doing just fine and that she could mind her own beeswax, but froze when she realized that this woman wasn't referring to her, but to Riley, whose wheelchair had gotten stuck on the ramp of the car. Sofia felt her blood running hot when Arizona didn't correct the stranger's mistake, "No, we're okay. Thank you."
As she freed Riley's chair from the ramp, Arizona's pant leg got caught on one of the hinges of her leg, revealing her prosthesis for this stranger to see. Arizona tried not to cringe as she saw the woman's face fill with pity and concern, "You know," she continued, even though no one had asked her, "Should you really be doing this by yourself?"
Arizona tried to keep her anger in check as she addressed this woman, "And what do you mean by that?" Blushing, the stranger stuttered out an answer, "Oh, I just mean as a …handicapped yourself, don't you need some help with this? I mean, I'm sure your husband could come with you to drop your daughter off at school."
Arizona's face flushed with anger, and she was just about to put this woman in her place, when she heard Sofia call out from behind her. "She's not her daughter. Being a gimp isn't genetic, you idiot!" Sofia spat, glaring at the woman with her hands balled into fists of rage. Arizona's jaw dropped; she felt as if someone had knocked the wind out of her, "Sofia Robbin Sloan Torres!"
The stranger quickly walked away, as Sofia stared at the ground, her hands still clenched in fists anger. When Arizona didn't speak, she attempted to turn around and walk into school, but her mother grasped her arm firmly, "Oh, I don't think so."
"Momma, I'm gonna be late," she mumbled through gritted teeth, but Arizona shot back, "I don't care. You know better than to use language like that. Now, you will apologize to Riley and to me right now—"
"No, I won't!" Sofia yelled, her brown eyes glaring at her mother as she shook herself free from Arizona's grasp. Arizona's blue eyes filled with rare anger, and she snapped, "Get into the car." When Sofia didn't move, she shouted, "Now!" Sofia stomped off toward the car, flinging the passenger door open and hopping in, slamming it shut behind her.
"Riley, go on in," Arizona said calmly, kissing Riley on the top of the head as Riley nodded, wheeling her way through the front doors. Arizona closed her eyes and counted to ten to calm herself down before walking over to the car, and entering through the front door, looking toward her daughter who was sitting with her arms crossed angrily over her chest, staring intensely out the window. She ignored Arizona's presence, continuing to focus her eyes in front of her.
"Okay, start explaining, " Arizona demanded, turning to face Sofia as she waited. When Sofia didn't respond, she instructed more harshly, "Now."
Sofia looked down her lap, sucking in an angry breath before responding, "She's not your daughter." Arizona exhaled in a terse huff, "Okay, and why did a stranger's assumption make you so angry that you felt the need to use such a terrible word to refer us?" Sofia shrugged, continuing to stare at her lap. "I want an answer," Arizona stated firmly.
"I know you're thinking about adopting her," Sofia mumbled, still staring at her lap. Arizona pondered how to respond to that, but Sofia didn't wait for her to explain, "But she's not your daughter. I'm your daughter."
"Of course you are," Arizona affirmed softly, but Sofia kept talking over her, her voice growing hoarse and strained, "I'm your daughter, but no stranger would ever stop and assume that, because I look nothing like you." Arizona sighed sympathetically, "Sofia, you know that doesn't matter to me—"
"Then why would you just bring home this other kid who somehow looks just like you? And she likes country music and hates riding camels and she's even disabled. You didn't pick her because you wanted a kid who was more like you?" Sofia asked, angry tears finally falling from her eyes as she looked up at her mother. Arizona's face softened as she reached out to her daughter who pulled away, "You never wish that I was more like you?"
"Sofia," Arizona said gently, her eyes filling with tears as well, "You are perfect just the way you are. I would never wish for you to look like or be anything but you, bug. And I certainly don't love you any less because you aren't biologically related to me. I can't imagine loving anyone in the world more than I love you."
Sofia shook her head, as the tears continued to fall, "But you love Riley." Arizona paused, then nodded, "Yes, I do." Flinging her hands in front of her, Sofia cried, "Why did you want another kid? Wasn't I enough for you?"
Arizona sighed, bring her eyes up to the ceiling to hold the tears in her eyes as she listened to her daughter sob in the seat next to her, "Sofia, do you know why I wanted another child? The biggest, most present reason?" Sofia shook her head, refusing to look at her mother as she continued to cry.
"It's because," Arizona continued, forcing herself to smile through her tears, "I wanted you to have a sibling. Bug, some of the most wonderful parts of my life were the parts I shared with my brother, Timothy. And I wanted you to have to have that, so much," Sofia sniffled softly. Though she still refused to look at her, Arizona knew she was listening, "There are so many things I love about Riley, just like there are so many things I love about you. And one of the things I love about Riley is that I think she could be such a wonderful sister for you, Sofia."
Sofia looked at Arizona, her eyes still angry and filled with tears, "I didn't ask for a sister." She grabbed her backpack, opened the door and lept from the car, heading into school before Arizona could stop her.
As sob escaped Arizona's throat as she watched her daughter go. Inhaling deeply, she told herself the mantra she had been pleading to Callie for the last several days, "Give her time."