Chapter Title: The Jeremy Kyle Show

Disclaimer: OWN NOTHING!! NOT ONE DROP!

Pairings: Adult Harry/Draco, mentions of Oliver/Marcus and a possible Adrian/Percy.

Warnings: Language and sexual incidents but nothing too explicit.

Summary 1: In the future, Harry and Draco are married with kids. They tell them the story of how they got together.

Summary 2: Harry shows Draco a television they turn it on and see the 'Jeremy Kyle Show' with some familiar guests.

Notes: I went to see the Jeremy Kyle show live so thats where I got the inspiration. This is more of a joke chapter, not to be taken seriously and is not part of the actual storyline (my site www(dot)bedtimexstory(dot)proboards(dot)com)

PS. Jeremy Kyle is like the english version of Jerry Springer it's a real show!

CO-WRITTEN WITH SCUDDER

"Spice boys dad?" Tom laughed.

Harry sighed; "Your father's job was to make my life embarrassing."

Draco smiled angelically in response.

***

Harry got hold of Draco's hand.

"I've got something to show you." He took Draco to the Room of Requirements.

"This better be good Harry!" Draco sighed as they entered. Something appeared in the room.

"What is that box shaped thing?"

"It's a Television." Harry knelt before it. Draco knelt beside him.

"A Tele-what?"

"A Television. It shows TV programmes, films, the news and adverts. It's a muggle device."

Draco grimaced.

"A muggle device? Get it away from me!" Harry rolled his eyes.

"It won't hurt you, look." He turned the TV on.

***

The message on the TV screen said; "My boyfriend isn't taking his impotence too seriously."

"Hello and welcome to The Jeremy Kyle show, now our first guest is the Keeper of the Puddlemere team, Oliver Wood." The crowd cheered loudly as Oliver walked on stage and shook Jeremy's hand, then sat down while the applause died down. Jeremy continued to talk.

"Now Oliver we all know about your relationship with your partner Marcus Flint, Chaser for the Falmouth Falcons. Well my first question, obviously; is there much tension between you two considering you play for teams with strong rivalry?"

"Yes it does cause some fired up arguments during the quidditch league." Oliver nodded.

"And you also were in rival houses?"

"Yes..." The Scot laughed. "...I was in Gryffindor, he was in Slytherin."

"Does that put any strain on your relationship?"

"Nah not really, we're too busy looking after Jamie, our son."

"And how old is he?"

"He's 2, he'll be 3 in January."

"Well according to our research team, you were impregnated when you were still in Hogwarts. Was that planned?"

"No of course not."

"Then were you sick when you were supposed to be taught how to use contraception spells?" Oliver blushed, embarrassed at that. "Anyway this is an interesting subject, can you explain for the audience?"

"Well Marcus has been having trouble with erm...sexual performance..."

"He can't get an erection?"

"Yeah that's it, I'm worried about him, he's been really depressed about it, and I just want him to realise that he shouldn't worry about it."

"I understand. So your message to Marcus would be?"

"Please don't let this problem bring you down, it happens to everyone."

"Alright let's see him now. Marcus Flint on the show!" Everyone cheered and there was also laughter filling the room. Marcus stormed in, picked up his chair and moved it far away from Oliver, then sat down.

"Hi Marc how are you?"

"Not very good actually as my own boyfriend told the entire country I'm impotent!" He growled at Oliver.

"Instead of shouting at your boyfriend why don't you tell me your side of the story!?" Jeremy shouted at the ex-Slytherin. Marcus frowned.

"Not much to say, one minute I'm fine and dandy the next minute I have a problem."

"Yes but this problem happens to a lot of men."

"Those 'lots of men' are all over 40, I'm only 21!"

"Not necessary, now stop being a big baby and move your chair back to your boyfriend." Marcus didn't move.

"NOW!" Marcus quickly moved his chair back.

"Oliver just wants to help!"

"I just don't want this to get you down babe." The Scot told his boyfriend honestly and took his hand. The Chaser smiled slightly.

"I know."

"Let's get Graham on the show ladies and gentlemen." Just then Graham walked onto the show.

"Is there any way we can help Marcus?"

"Well if he wants help, we can help find the root of the problem and help him get over it, it might just be an off week." Jeremy's sidekick told the three men on the stage seriously.

"Do you want help Marcus?" The host asked.

"Yes please." The Chaser answered.

"Thats great, follow Graham on your left!" The crowd cheered as Oliver and Marcus went off with Graham.

The next message was; "My ex has full custody of our son but he still has no job!"

"Next on the show ladies and gentlemen, this lady has just left Hogwarts and already has a three year old son, but her unemployed ex has full custody of their child, let's welcome Katie on the show." There was a loud applause as Katie walked on the stage and sat on the chair.

"Hello Katie."

"Hello Jeremy."

"You have a 3 year old son, yes?"

"Thats right yes."

"To a man how much older than you?"

"Five years older." The audience gasped.

"And this man got you pregnant while you were still in Hogwarts?"

"Yes thats true."

"Not very responsible is it."

"No it isn't."

"I presume Hogwarts don't teach contraception? More to the point, you're here today with your son's father, Terence. What is it you have to tell him?"

"That he needs to get a job to support his son."

"Although Terence has full custody of your son, why is that?"

"Because I was in Hogwarts and couldn't look after Alex, that's our son."

"Okay. Terry on the show ladies and gentlemen." Terence walked on silently and sat in the chair, not looking at Katie.

"Morning Terry, would you like to tell us your side of the story?"

"All I can say is I know I was wrong with sleeping with Katie when she was so young, but Im a good father and I love my son, it's just so hard to get a job."

"Very hard. So tell me, how do all the other people in the country manage it?"

"I dunno, luck?"

"No, by getting off their backsides and looking for a job!"

"I have looked for job!!!"

"Well evidently not good enough. Tell us about your son, what's he like?"

"He's great, he prefers playing with dolls than cars. He cries a lot, naturally."

"Does he see his mum?"

"Hardly!"

"And why not?"

"Because Katie doesn't visit him or get in contact to see him."

"Is this true?"

"Yeah, Katie knows she can see him whenever."

"Katie, is this true?" Katie nodded.

"And you think this is acceptable?" She shook her head.

"Then get off your backside and go see your son, maybe with someone else helping out Terry here might be able to get himself a job!!!"

"But he has help, he's living with Oliver and Marcus and their child!"

"That's your best excuse for not seeing your son?"

"No, I couldn't I was still in school!"

"Are you still in schoool now?"

"No Im out trying to get a job, I have an interview tomorrow."

"Well i suggest madam that after your interview, you get round there and see your son! And you sir, if you do have this help, you get yourself a job too!" They both nodded.

"Now get off my stage!" The two left in different directions. The message on the TV screen changed; "I need to be sure my ex will be there for me and our son!"

"Next on the show, we meet a man who wants to know that his ex is going to be there for him and their son.' Percy waited with his hand on his belly for his name.

"Let's get Percy on the show ladies and gentlemen." Percy walked on and sat on the chair.

"Morning Percy."

"Hiya."

"Tell us your story. How long have you been pregnant?"

"Four months."

"Tell us about the other father?"

"Well he's a bit immature but I guess he's okay."

"What has he done to make you think he won't be there for you?"

"Well I doubt that he actually cares for me. He cheated behind my back numerous times."

"Do you want him back?"

"I dunno."

"Let's get Adrian on the show." Adrian walked on the show ignoring the boos. He sat on the chair and moved it nearer to Percy.

"I promise you I'll be there."

"How can you promise that to a man you've cheated on?" Jeremy asked.

"I was an idiot I know that now, but I wont hurt him anymore."

"Do you have a job Ade?"

"Yes I do."

"So you could easily support Percy?"

"Yes."

"Do you still love Percy?"

"Yeah I do."

"Then why are you cheating?" Jeremy shouted at Ade.

"Im not anymore!"

"There're too many people like you in this world. Go home, get a house together, and bring your son up properly. Graham is going to work with you backstage to sort your differences. But if you love this man, then be a proper boyfriend, and a proper father!"

"I will do." Ade turned back to Percy; "Please take me back. I promise I wont ever hurt you again!" Percy wiped his tears.

"What do you say Percy?"

"I don't know if I can trust you Ade."

"You've brought it upon yourself sir."

"I know." Ade said sadly; "I know you still love me Percy." Jeremy watched Percy's reaction.

"I do, but you've hurt me so much I don't know if I can trust you."

"Let's get Graham back on the show." The crowd cheered.

"We can take you backstage and work out your problems but first you need to decide if you want him back."

"I don't know, maybe one day."

"Do you love him, yes or no?"

"Yeah." Jeremy spoke up.

"Then go backstage with Graham and we'll see what we can do." The two nodded and went backstage.

***

Harry and Draco just stared at the screen in shock.