So, a lot of you guys were kind of negative about the choices I made in the last chapter and I don't appreciate it. I don't believe in sex-shaming ever or that it's ever acceptable, Ella made a couple mistakes, but she's not a slut. She wasn't making fun of Sev and she didn't think the situation was funny, she was just shocked it happened the way it did.
With all that being said, please refrain from using any kind of negativity in the reviews. They're a total bummer to read before I start writing my chapters, I promise I had a reason behind all this insanity. Just give me a chance to elaborate on it before you jump to judgy conclusions, okay?
By the time Saturday rolled around, I'd worried myself sick over the entire situation. I owled Sev to meet me at the Three Broomsticks so we could talk. I was going to tell him everything and take the punishment I deserved. Angry with him or not, it gave me no right to cheat on him with James. It was a shitty move and I had to lay in the bed I made.
I got dressed that morning and Apparated to Hogsmeade, going into the pub to wait for him. Thankfully, I was seventeen so I ordered a shot of firewhiskey to help gather my emotions before ordering a Butterbeer and taking a seat. The booth was away from most people and gave us some semblance of privacy because something told me this was going to be a pretty discussion.
I'd just gotten my drink when Sev came into the pub. His glasses immediately steamed up and he took them off, wiping the condensation on his jumper. His eyes had dark circles under them and he looked tired, but other than that he looked pretty normal.
"Ella, hi," he smiled, sitting across from me at the booth. "I'm so glad you owled me, I feel terrible about how we left things."
"I slept with James."
That was not how I planned on telling him, but I had a tendency to blurt things out under pressure. His entire demeanor changed, the hopefulness that lit his eyes seconds earlier was burned out now and he was frowning. Looking at him was literally breaking my heart into a million pieces.
"Oh," he finally squeaked.
"I was going to sleep with another guy, I wasn't planning on having sex with James. We got drunk and I was vulnerable and he was vulnerable and things just escalated," I hurriedly explained. "I know that's no excuse, but I forgot we didn't break up. Which isn't an excuse either, it actually just makes me sound like a complete bitch. And I am because I broke your heart and shagged your brother and proved your mom right all in one swoop."
He let out a deep sigh and ran his fingers through his hair as he thought about what to say. It was never good when he paused for that long, whatever came after was always poignant and perfectly spoken. Whatever he was about to say would be blunt and to the point, it would cut me completely to the bone and it was what I deserved.
"I deserved it. I should've stood up for you when mum was so rude," he said, taking my hand over the table. "I'm so sorry, it was all my fault that you had to drink and felt so vulnerable."
I pulled my hand from his and looked at him with wide eyes. "You stop that right now, Albus Severus! It wasn't your fault I acted this way, it was me. I should've talked things out with you or ended things, not fucked your brother. I am the pierced slut your mum thinks I am, and I proved it last night."
"No, you're not a slut. I know how much you hate that word," he replied, taking my hand in both of his this time so I couldn't pull away. "You had sex with James, that's not okay but it's understandable."
"It's not understandable, Sev! It's selfish and mean and terrible!" I cried, thankful for our booth's position now. "Stop being so understanding, it's not right. Be angry, shout at me and tell me that you'll never forgive me. Walk away from me forever because it's what I deserve."
"I'm not a confrontational person, Ella. I don't hold grudges or get angry about things I can't change," he replied, his face still disappointed but his tone even. "I know how afraid you are of people leaving when things get hard. I think you do things to make them leave so it's not a surprise, I think that's what you did last night."
"I hurt you, Sev! Don't rationalize it," I muttered, wishing I could pull my hand away and fold in on myself.
"You did hurt me, you broke my heart, but I understand why you did it," he replied, rubbing his thumb over my knuckles. "I want to break this cycle, I want you to know I'm not going to leave because things are hard with you. I know you cheated, but I also know you're never going to do it again because you're so upset right now."
My chest was tight and my breathing was labored. "Sev, this isn't okay. You can't just let me treat you like crap because you're afraid I'm going to freak out. I have abandonment issues, but I'm not fragile. You're angry with me and you have every right to be, it's not healthy for you to bottle it up. What if, in ten years, you just explode on me about this and things get out of hand or something?"
"So, that's what this is really about?" he asked, realization coloring his face. "You're afraid I'm not actually dealing with this, that I'm going to keep all that anger inside and lash out later. I would never, EVER hit you, Ana."
And it all boiled down to that, but the bloody genius boy knew it before I did. Of course Sev knew what I was afraid of before I had an inkling of a clue. He knew what I was thinking all the time, it was one of my favorite things about him.
"I just don't want you to resent me for this because you're not dealing with it right now," I said tiredly. "I also don't want your mother to convince you to leave me because she thinks I'm not good enough."
"Mum and I had a talk the other night about how she treated you and she wants you to come over for dinner tomorrow so she can apologize," he promised, kissing the top of my hand.
"I don't deserve you, Sev," I sighed, leaning back against the seat. "You're too good for me, I swear to god."
His hands dropped mine and I felt the absence of his warmth immediately. I opened my eyes right as he sat down beside me, gesturing for me to scoot over so he could have more space to sit. When I slid, he moved with me and wrapped his arms around me as much as the booth would allow.
"You are the wildest, craziest, most infuriating person I have ever met. You make me want to scream and grab anything to keep from spinning out of control," he whispered into my hair. "Just promise to never break my heart again?"
I laughed wetly, surprise tears filling my eyes. "I don't know how to promise you that. I didn't think I would break your heart in first place, but here we are."
"My heart's not broken per say, it's just severely fractured," he told me, kissing my temple before pulling back to look at me fully. "It's nothing a day spent with you can't fix."
There was nothing in past I could recall doing that made me worthy of Sev's affections. Even if he didn't stand up for me against his mother, I had no right to do what I did –drunk or not. James was one of my best mates and nothing more, Sev was right when he said I would never hurt him again. It hurt me too much to even fathom how much it hurt him.
"I want to show you something, but you've got to have an open mind about it," I said a few minutes later after we'd each finished a Butterbeer.
He slid out of the booth and offered me his hand the second I stood up, too. We walked out of the pub together and I snatched one of the trashcan lids when nobody was watching. Sev raised his eyebrows in alarm and I muttered, "We'll return it when we're finished. Don't worry, head boy."
He chuckled uneasily, but I pulled him behind me anyway. When Stef, James, Freddie, and I were younger we used to come here and sled all the time without our parents knowing about it. The Floo at James' place was hooked up to the Three Broomsticks so we could use it to get here and back without anyone noticing. We couldn't very well bring sleds with us through the Floo, so we had to use whatever we could find and that meant getting creative sometimes –hence the trashcan lid in my hands.
We made it to the biggest hill that wasn't inside the fenced-in section of the Shrieking Shack. I'd heard rumors that Teddy was going to renovate it and make it a home for him and Vic, but I wasn't sure that was true. It was a haunted place after all, or at least all the students at Hogwarts swore up and down it was anyway.
"Are we about to go sledding, Ana?" he asked, wincing when he saw his breath in the waning sunlight. "It's freezing, we'll become ill or something if we get wet."
"Oh my god, stop being such a wimp. It's going to be awesome!" I told him, dropping the lid to the ground and twisting it a couple times to heat up the snow. "I'll go first, don't worry."
Before he could argue with me, I walked back a couple inches and ran at the lid. I dropped onto my butt right over it and went down the hill. I didn't go very fast because I was the first one and the snow was thick under the lid, but it was still fun. When I got back to the top of the hill, Sev was looking at me like I was crazy.
"You've gone completely mad!"
"Hush, just go down," I grinned, handing him the lid and giving him a push toward the edge of the hill. "Do you need me to give you a push, Sevykins?"
He huffed and took my teasing, pushing off on his own and completely snowballing down the hill sans sled. I tried to keep in my laughter, I really did, but when he stood up I completely lost it. He was covered in snow from his head to his toes, he looked like a yeti.
"Stop laughing and get rid of this snow before I develop hypothermia!" he shouted up the hill at me.
I put one of my feet on the trashcan lid and pushed off with my other. I rode down the hill like I was on a skateboard, keeping my balance surprisingly well considering I couldn't really see and it was really slippery. I was almost at the bottom when I lost my balance and went barreling into Sev, both of us falling into the snow a rolling a couple times.
When we finally stopped moving, I had to hold my sides because they were aching from all my laughter. Sev's chuckles mixed in soon enough and we were both dying of laughter in the middle of a snow drift. We sat up and he dusted the snow off my beanie while I did the same to his hair, what hadn't melted at least.
"You make me want to be wild," he told me, cupping my jaw in his cold fingers. "I want to be adventurous and do things without thinking whenever I'm with you."
"I want to think about everything and do what's right when I'm with you. I want to be a better person," I replied, kissing the tips of his fingers in time.
He leaned his forehead against mine and breathed, "I love you, Morgana Eleanor."
Warmth blossomed in my stomach and I forgot all about the snow around us. Sev still loved me even after everything that happened. He still wanted to be with me.
"I love you back," I grinned, leaning forward and connecting our lips.
"I hate to break this up, but I think I can't feel anything below my waist," he told me a couple seconds later. "Do you care to finish this tomorrow after dinner?"
Right, I still had to go to dinner tomorrow night with his mother. I had to look at Ginny Weasley-Potter, the woman who thought I was a pierced slut, and know in my mind that I slept with James. She already thought so, but I was living proof now.
"I won't let her treat you badly anymore," he told me after he stood and I didn't move. "Not again, never again."
He took my hands in his and pulled me to my feet, grabbing the trashcan lid from the snow covered grass across from us. I grabbed the labels of his coat and pulled him back to me, pressing our lips together one last time before we headed back into town.
"I love you."
"I know."
Before anyone says Sev reacted badly or unrealistically, please remember how much he loves Ella and knows about her temperament and past experiences. He doesn't want to hurt her or make her feel bad, he's trying to help her and be a good boyfriend at the same time.
Thanks for reading!