Leanne walked into the front door of her home looking completely devastated. It was easy to tell that something was upsetting her deeply. Her mood was glum, her eyes were red and swollen and she seemed completely spaced out.
She had just gotten off work. Normally after a long day at the hospital she would come home, put her feet up and relax with her family before starting on dinner. But today was no ordinary day. Today a patient had been rushed into ER and it was Leanne's job to make sure he would live. She had led the surgery to try and save his life and after hours trying to fix and patch him up, she had been unsuccessful.
She knew the day would come. Doctors and nurses were always talking about it in the staff room, and it happened to everyone. The day you lost your first patient. Some experienced it indirectly. They would be assigned to tend to a patient, and then when he would go into surgery he wouldn't make it out. It was nothing they did to cause the death, but it was still one of their patients.
Some, like Leanne, were responsible for the death. The life of that one patient rested solely in her hands and she failed to save him. The other doctors and nurses assured her that she had done everything she could, but nothing could ease the pain. David had told her to go home right after the surgery. He had already lost a patient before, and knew there was no way she would be able to keep her head, and it would be in everybody's best interest if she took the day off.
She had technically lost a patient before. She had been one of the doctors who tried to save Samantha's life almost 22 years ago. This was a totally different experience for her though. It was one thing failing to save an unborn child. It was another thing to watch as life slipped away, right before your eyes and not on a monitor.
Before leaving the hospital parking lot she spent a good hour sitting in her car, crying like she had never cried before. She had lost both her parents and all four grandparents but found this death to be too much to bear. She was young when her grandparents and her mother died, and there was nothing she could do to save them. Their fate was out of her hands.
Her father died long before she found out about it, and even with her medical expertise (and her PhD in everything) there was nothing she could do for her father. She had performed some miracles in her career, but she had never brought a dead body back to life.
This pain was different from the rest. She had the chance to save this patient and she had failed. She let him down, she let his family down, she let her team down and she let herself down.
When she looked back, she saw many things she could have done differently. Instead of focusing on his oxygen levels, she could have made sure her patient was getting enough new blood. Instead of focusing on his more severe injuries, she could have tended to the minor one (which wound up being worse than she thought, considering it was that that killed him).
Bad choices and bad timing were her mistakes. She could have gotten to him sooner; she could have done something else. Because of her, he was dead.
Maddie rushed down the stairs when she heard her mom was home from work early. Just as she reached the last one, she noticed there was something wrong with her mother. Carefully, she stepped forward.
"Mom, are you okay?"
Leanne shook her head, "Go get ready for dinner."
Maddie watched her mom head for the kitchen. Her father was already in there, putting dinner in the oven. He would notice that her mother wasn't okay and he would ask questions as well. Maddie followed her mother into the kitchen, deciding to corner her and get her to talk.
"Leanne?" Cam frowned when he saw his wife, "What's wrong?"
Leanne sat down at the kitchen table, propping her head up with her hands as she tried to hold back the tears.
"Nothing."
Maddie turned to look at her father, "That doesn't look like nothing."
He nodded, "Maybe you should go wash up. Dinner's gonna be…"
"I wanna help," Maddie insisted. "Last time mom was like this was when Grandpa died…"
Maddie quickly turned to her mother, panicked, "Uh-oh, Grandpa Kanoi didn't die, did he?"
"No, no," Leanne shook her head, "He's fine… he's still very healthy."
"Well, then, what is it, honey?" Cam asked, pulling up a chair and taking a seat beside his wife. He wrapped one arm around her and gently rubbed her arm with his hand. "You can tell us. Hard day at work?"
Maddie sat down in her chair, "Did someone die at work?"
Leanne really began to tear up as she nodded, "I couldn't save him."
Maddie's eyes widened when she realised she was right and she had to take a moment to let the news sink in. Cam squeezed Leanne comfortingly as he pulled her into his arms, holding her close as she started to cry.
"Leah, I'm so sorry."
"I had to save him and I couldn't!" Leanne cried.
Maddie leaned forward slightly, "What killed him?"
"Madeline!" Cam shouted. She pulled back again, shrugging.
"What? I'm trying to get mom to talk! You always tell me…"
"He was in a car accident," Leanne said. "Puncture lung, broken bones, blood…"
"Ew."
"He sounds beat up," Cam whispered. Leanne nodded.
"He was… but I've done it a million times before! I… I could have saved him!"
"You can't save everyone," Cam told her.
"Yeah, mom," Maddie said, reaching out to grab one of her mother's hands. "You help so many people already. You can't save the whole wide world. You did the best you could."
"No, I didn't…"
"What makes you say that?" Cam asked her. Leanne always put her best effort into her work, no matter what it was. While studying for her many degrees, she never received a grade below A-. When training her students at the Thunder Ninja Academy she always put in extra hours to help some students who were falling behind. Even in her duties as a parent she put her best effort in. Madeline was already walking at eight months because of Leanne's determination. She was talking before she was one.
"I shouldn't have ignored the cut on his chest," Leanne said. "It was right there… but there was… it's wasn't as bad as the rest… if I focused on it…."
"You didn't know," Cam said, holding her close. "You made what you thought was the right choice at the time. There's no way you could have known that that small injury…"
"That's my job, Cam!" Leanne screamed, scaring both her family members. She pulled out of Cam's arms, glaring hatefully at him, "It's my job to know what's wrong with the patients and fix them! I can't excuse myself because I didn't know about a small cut… on his chest, for crying out loud! That's where his heart is! I should have…"
"But you said there was other stuff," Maddie pointed out fearfully. She wanted to help her mother, but Leanne seemed enraged. The last thing Maddie wanted was her mother screaming at her. "At first glance that cut seemed almost harmless, and there were other injuries and things to deal with, you had to focus on those."
"Maddie's right," Cam nodded. "He was in the ER, right? You have to work quickly there. You can't second guess yourself. Every second counts. You did what you thought was right. This guy… I guess there was nothing that could have been done."
"I could have…"
"If you focused on that one cut, something else might have killed him," Cam whispered before Leanne could finish. He took her hands gently and looked her in the eyes. "I know you, Leanne. I know you did everything you possibly could to try and save that man's life. It just wasn't meant to be."
Leanne's tears started up again as she fell back into Cam's arms, weeping loudly.
"It wasn't a man," she said between the sobs. "It was kid! A thirteen year old child! He died, today!"
Cam held his wife comfortingly, brushing her hair as he tried to calm her down. He glanced over at Madeline, just to look at her.
Maddie was shocked to hear that her mother's first death was a boy her age. She slowly got out of her chair and walked over to her mother, wrapping her arms around her in a hug. Cam pulled her in closer as well, holding his two girls in his arms. He leaned down, whispering into Leanne's ear: "You can't save the world. You did your best. I'm sure his family appreciates you trying everything possible."
-The-Other-Families-
A week had passed and Leanne had refused to come back into work. It wouldn't benefit anyone if she did return to the hospital in her state. It was unfortunate that her first death was a child and it had taken a lot out of her.
Most of her co-workers understood, and told her to take the time she needed. A few of them did seem to have a problem with her missing out on work but did realise this wasn't easy to cope with and gave her the space she needed.
Madeline had gone out of her way to make sure her mother was okay. Though she always found all her schoolwork to be incredibly easy, this week she had asked her mother for help to try and take her mind off the young boy. It did help Leanne a little bit, and Maddie was happy to do her part.
Cam was always home from work as soon as he could so he could be with Leanne. He was exhausted from going to work and staying up with Leanne when she had nightmares, but he knew that soon she would come to accept that she couldn't save every life and she would be back to her old self.
In NewTech people were still talking about the unfortunate accident. Of course, when a child is killed, the news hurts a lot of people. Maddie heard about it constantly at her school because the poor child had been a student there. The school held a memorial, and some kids and parents who found out that Maddie's mom was the doctor who tried to save the boy had offered Maddie their condolences (after offering it to the family of the boy, of course).
Leanne was helping Maddie with her math homework again when the door rang. She let Madeline finish up the question on her own (because she knew that her daughter didn't actually need the help) while she went to answer it. When she opened the door she immediately recognised the family of the young boy who she tried and failed to save.
"Excuse me… are you Dr. Leanne Watanabe?" the boy's father asked. Leanne shook her head slowly.
Maddie could hear this from the living room and got up to be with her mother.
The boy's mother was holding a young boy in her arms, presumably her other son. She had a few stitches on her forehead and bruises along her arm which didn't surprise Leanne. She had been the one driving the car that the boy was in when he had his accident.
"We went to the hospital today to try and talk to you, but the lady at the counter said you were home sick," she said.
Maddie took her mother's hand, squeezing it gently as she looked up at the family, "If you're asking for answers it's…"
"We wanted to thank you," the father said.
Maddie frowned, "That's a little mean."
"For doing all you could," the mother added. "We were told that there was a very small chance that Julian survived."
"We also wanted to apologize," the father said. "When we were first told that Julian died we said and thoughts some pretty nasty things about you. We were just so devastated and… it wasn't right."
"We heard you've been pretty upset about this too and that Julian was the first patient you've ever lost and… we just wanted to let you know that we don't blame you," the mother said. "We know you did everything you could and we're really thankful you tried so hard. Not many doctors would stick around as long as you did."
"I couldn't let him die…" Leanne muttered. "I just… he… I'm really sorry."
"It's okay," the father smiled. "It's not easy but we'll learn to live again."
"And if ever we know someone who needs a good doctor we'll definitely refer them to you," the mother said.
"I… I don't know if I'm going back…" Leanne admitted, surprising herself, her daughter and Julian's family.
"Oh, well… if you do…" the mother said. One last time, she thanked Leanne for trying to save her son's life before heading back to the car. Julian's father shook Leanne's hand. Before he left, Leanne apologized once again for the loss of their son. As their car pulled out of the driveway, Cam pulled in. He saw the family leaving and asked Madeline about it when he got inside the house. She told him it was Julian's family, and she also told him about what Leanne had said. She might not go back to work.
Cam found his wife sitting on the couch and took the spot next to her, wrapping her in his arms, like he did every night since the incident.
"I hear you might quit."
"I could have save him. He had his entire life ahead of him. Parents who loved him and a little brother… he didn't… I should have…"
"Don't quit, mom," Maddie said. "You're one of the best doctors there is."
"I can't guarantee this won't happen again," Cam nodded, "But before it does, you're going to save so many lives. A lot of people are counting on you. If you don't go back…"
"I don't think I can. What if…"
"C'mon, mom," Maddie smiled, "No what ifs. What if the sky turns orange? What if I grow feathers and fly to the moon? You can what if everything… but what if a patient needs you and you're not there?"
"Don't let this one bump drag you down," Cam said. "Don't let the kid…"
"Julian."
"Don't let Julian die in vain. Get back in that hospital and do what you do best. Save lives! You'll be letting a lot of people down if you don't."
Leanne looked at her husband and daughter and smiled softly.
-The-Other-Families-
A week later, Leanne returned home from work with takeout bags in her hands and a bright smile on her face. She walked into the kitchen and found Cam staring at an open fridge, trying to figure out what to make for dinner.
"Don't bother," she kissed him on the cheek before setting the bags on the counter. "I picked something up. I figure today deserves a special meal."
"How was your first day back?" Cam asked his wife, noticing that, just above her ID, she had a "J" sticker stuck on to her white coat.
"My day was great!" Leanne beamed. Maddie stepped into the kitchen and was immediately put off by the smile on her mother's face. She hadn't seen it that big in a while and it scared her.
"I'll eat in my room…"
"Sit down," Leanne said, pointing to the kitchen table. "We're eating together and I'm going to talk about my day."
"Did something good happen?" Cam asked. Maddie looked up at him.
"I think she might have killed someone," she whispered, "That smile is anything but innocent."
"There were two people today in the ER, both of them in critical condition."
Maddie nodded to her father, "See? She killed someone."
Leanne continued her story, "I saved them both!"
"What?" Cam gasped, nearly dropping his plate as he went to hug his wife, "Leanne, that's amazing!"
"I know! After what happened with Julian I didn't want to make a single mistake. I made sure every problem was accounted for and didn't let anything get past my radar through the entire surgery. I had a great team with me. Five hours and three hundred and seventy-four stitches later these two patients are stable and recovering!"
"Three hundred and seventy-four… is this on both guys?" Maddie asked.
"Combined, yes," Leanne nodded.
"Whatever they were doing, I don't ever want to do it."
"So, in one day these guys are fine again?" Cam asked. Leanne smiled.
"Well, something might still go wrong. They'll be in hospital for some time still, but right now it's all looking good."
"And just think; if you had quit who would have been there to help those two patients?"
Leanne hugged her husband, "Thank you so much for talking me back into going to work and for supporting me after the thing with Julian. It really means a lot."
Cam kissed her softly, "Anytime."
Madeline cleared her throat, "Excuse me? Who took your mind off your problems and wasted her own time by asking you to help with her homework when she could have done it on her own in half the time?"
Leanne smiled, kissing her daughter's cheek, "Thank you, Madeline. Your support meant a lot too."
"Thank you," Maddie said. "Now can I eat my burger upstairs?"
"Sit, be happy with me. I want to celebrate and tell you all about today."
Maddie groaned as she sat down at the table with her family and listened to the triumphant story of how her mother saved two patients. She was happy her mother was back in action, but if she had to hear another hospital story there would be another patient in ER.