A Better Idea
Chapter Nineteen
As soon as everyone got settled at the table, Walter started right in.
"You know sis, that I wouldn't talk like I'm going to, in front of you if I didn't think it was absolutely necessary, don't you? I wouldn't hurt you for the world, but everything is crushing down on me at one time, so I've made a decision to tell you things I promised never to tell."
"I wanted you and Jack to hear this together and I need Ennis here for love and support, and we're going to need a lot of both to get through this." With that, Walter stood up from the table and left his iced tea sitting and dripping condensation onto his placemat.
He paced for a full minute, trying to figure out where was the best place to start; couldn't think what might be best, so he just started talking. "Me and Johnny Twist was best friends, inseparable friends from as far back as we can either one remember, soon's we could walk across the road to go catch frogs, or climb trees I guess. Our birthdays is only one week apart, and we sometimes joked and told people we was twins. Johnny, he was the daredevil, he always had to climb higher in the tree, ride faster on his bike, jump his horse across the widest creek, just to show he could, and because he loved the thrill of it. Johnny had a smile from here to Cheyenne, and he used it to charm girls, teachers, parents, even strangers. Everyone liked Johnny, and he liked everyone too, and it showed."
At this, Jack stood up abruptly and went to the sink to get a glass of water, even though he had a full glass of tea sitting at the table. "Who the HELL are you talking about, Uncle Walter?"
Ennis was sitting very quietly wondering why he was being included in this family discussion, but was respectfully waiting and listening. He thought it sounded like Walter was describing Jack, certainly not the daddy he'd heard Jack tell about.
Walter sighed, "Please Jack, you're not making this any easier. This is your daddy I'm describing. I know you never met the Johnny Twist that I'm telling about now. But, take a look at your mother's face."
Turning, Jack looked at Claire; she was smiling sweetly, remembering. She nodded at her son, "That's the boy I been crazy about since I was six years old, Jack; my older brother's best friend, the wild neighbor boy. That's who I've loved all these years. Please, let Walter go on with his story now."
Walter strode back to the table, picked up his tea and drank it down in one motion, like a man dying of thirst. He resumed his pacing.
Jack sat back down at the table, Ennis reached over and took his hand and held it securely.
"All through school, Johnny and I was into the sports: baseball, basketball, even football, but every year we looked forward to the junior rodeo the most. He was a natural at it. He 'specially loved the bull ridin'."
"We started our freshman year in high school and we both did okay in the classroom. It wasn't exciting, but we'd help each other to study, cause we were each good in different subjects; so the tutoring helped a lot. It was at that time that Johnny first noticed my little sister. For the next three years, Johnny was at our house 'bout every day. This house we're settin' in now, matter a fact. We studied here, never at his house. Don't think either a us would a graduated from high school if he hadn't had this powerful crush on Claire."
"When I first noticed it, I wasn't too happy with him, 'cause all the girls was crazy about him and I worried that he'd break my sister's heart. I don't know for sure when he started lettin' her know that she was special to him, but before I knew it, they were a couple. Johnny and I got out of school and Claire had three years to go yet. I think Johnny knew that he'd go crazy waitin' to marry her if he stuck around here. So he did what he'd always wanted to do, he went out on the rodeo circuit. He just did the local or smaller rodeos, so he was back home some every week."
"I wasn't into the rodeo like Johnny was, 'sides I had my eye on Claire's friend Iris, and didn't want to get too far away, case she'd find a new boyfriend."
"Our parents said yes, Johnny could marry Claire but not till she graduated from high school. So one week to the day after her graduation, they got married, and me and Iris had our wedding one month later. Our daddy thought the world and all of Johnny Twist; was happy to have him as a new son. They was livin' here, and Johnny would work on this ranch all the livelong day, Monday through Thursday, and break his neck to keep up his share of the work. Then on Friday's he'd head off to a rodeo. He was doing real well too. Sometimes Claire would go along with him. Once you was born, Jack, about a year and a half after they married, your momma didn't go with him near as much. You know how it is with little ones."
"I'll never forget the day you was born, how proud your daddy was. I went to the hospital soon as he called and said they was leavin' the house and goin' to the County Medical. I paced the floor right along with him, and when the doctor came out and said it's a boy, he 'bout popped his buttons with pride. Back in them days, daddy's couldn't go anywhere near the babies till we brought'em home. The first time he held you in his arms, Jack, he cried like a baby, hisself."
Walter stopped and looked at Jack, who was having a hard time breathing. He had tears in his eyes, but brushed them aside with the back of his hand. Jack licked his lower lip, and said "Go on."
"Well, you were the apple of his eye; he was so convinced that you were the smartest baby ever born. He carried you around to all the relatives and bragged about every new thing you learned to do, whether it was to catch your own toes and stick them in your mouth, or say your first word. Yes, it was "mama", to be sure. Every time he got in his truck to go somewhere, you'd run out and say "go, daddy, go!" and he'd pick you up and holler at Claire that he was taking you with him, even if it was just down to the mailbox."
Jack dropped his face into his hands, wishing he could remember anything of a daddy who loved him so much. But he could not.
"So, anyway he was reluctant to leave you and your mama as often now for the rodeo circuit. He decided he'd go for the rest of the season, the year you were four and a half, and then he'd hang up his stirrups."
"Claire, could we have some more tea, please?" asked Walter. While she was pouring their tea, Walter continued. "Up to this point, your mama knows everything I've just told you. Jack, I wanted you to be acquainted with the boy I grew up with, the man your mama fell in love with, the daddy you've never known. And now you're going to hear why you never had the chance to know him."
"From here on is the part I promised Johnny I'd never tell. It was that last season and Johnny's fame was growing statewide and down into Texas, up into Montana. He had more trophies, belt buckles and ribbons than you could shake a stick at, had a right nice pile a prize money too. Jack, your daddy put up that money so your grandpa and grandma Bell could build that little house out on the ten acre tract out by the creek. Do you remember it? Paid for it all out of his pocket, all from prize money. Furnished it for them, too."
"That all changed the day he went to the Childress County Rodeo in Texas."
Walter flushed full in the face, and looked at Jack. "Yes, I'm sorry son; it all took place in Childress. Maybe a lot of things will start making sense to you now. Johnny was alone down there, me and Iris was busy with our own lives. Your momma and you were here 'cause you had the chicken pox and couldn't travel with him, though you dearly loved to go along and see your daddy ride.
Well, Johnny had always drawn a crowd; he never met a stranger, and he was so handsome, looked an awful lot like you did at that age, Jack. People just flocked to him. I suspect you know what I mean. You got that same charm."
Walter stopped and drank his tea again, didn't know this was going to be so hard. Hell, yes he did. But damn! He had to get through it.
"Okay, so he was down there at Childress and he won every event he entered, came away with a truckload of trophies and cash money. Now Johnny liked a beer now and then, but was not a drinker. Seems like these rodeo fellows said "come along we got to celebrate your big win tonight", and he didn't mind having one beer before heading on home.
Before he knew it, all the folks at the bar was buying him beers and shots and toasting his fantastic performance. Johnny gave away most of those drinks, he had two beers and one shot of whiskey. The drinks went straight to his head, he wasn't used to it, so Johnny was feeling even more friendly and trusting than usual. When Johnny said he had to be gettin' home to his wife and little boy, the men said to come on, they'd take him back to his truck. But they didn't."
Walter walked over and stood behind Claire with his hands on her shoulders so he could grab her if she needed it, but also so he wouldn't have to look at her face while he told it.
"Those men did not take Johnny back to his truck, they took him to a motel room, and they tied him up. Each one of the three men raped him, and beat him, and then raped him and beat him again. They kept him there for a full twenty-four hours using him, and telling him how pretty he was. Uh, and other descriptive things they liked about his body. When they left, they took his prize money with them. They laughed and blew kisses at him as they left the room, and said someone would find him in a day or two."
Walter stopped here to let Claire and Jack rant or cry or react however they needed to. Claire sat stunned, and Jack just let the silent tears run down his face unchecked..
"He was found by the housekeeping staff within a few minutes because they saw the men leaving, and thought the room was finally vacant. The Police were called, and an ambulance took Johnny to Childress Regional Medical Center, where they performed emergency surgery to save his life. He had a perforated bowel, among other things which I won't go into here, but his, uh, he was tore up really bad, uh, back there."
Jack stood and paced around till he could find a direction to go, he leaned against the wall and sobbed. The wracking sobs shook his body so, that Ennis went over to hold him, but Jack jerked away from him. "No, don't touch me!" he cried.
Ennis returned to the table and sat down.
Walter continued, there was still so much to tell and he wanted to get through it all as soon as possible, so they could all rest and maybe, just maybe begin to heal.
"I got the call at my house, from the Hospital saying that he was asking for me to come. I called daddy, told him what I knew, and asked him to go with me. When we got there, Johnny wouldn't look us in the eye, and he hardly can to this day. He made us promise to never tell Claire or anybody. He's so ashamed, like he deserved it, or brought it on himself, somehow. Daddy drove Johnny's truck back home."
Jack's sobs had quieted; he came over to stand behind Ennis and put his arms around his shoulders. Ennis leaned his head back against Jack, just to have some contact, let him know he was there.
Again, Walter stopped. This was too much to take in all at one time, he hated that it was necessary to tell it all, but it was.
"Walter, did John ever call a Rape Crisis Center, or Hotline, or anything of that sort?" asked Ennis.
Walter responded, "No, Ennis. That would have been the farthest thing from his mind if they even existed back then, and I don't know if they did."
"It's just that my friend, Linda Higgins was raped, and she reacted exactly like you're describing John's feelings. She felt so ashamed; thought she should have been able to prevent it, or stop it somehow. Thought it had to be her fault, that she must have done something to bring it on herself. Her sister finally made her call the Hotline. It took a long time, a lot of counseling, but she did come to accept that it was in no way her own fault."
"Well, Ennis let me tell you something awful, but true. We, none of us, not John, nor daddy, nor I ever used that word rape to describe what happened to John. We truly thought that only girls got raped. And even then, I'm so ashamed to tell you, we thought rape was a funny word, a joke."
Jack and Claire and Ennis were all staring open-mouthed at Walter, waiting for what could possibly be the explanation for his statement.
Seeing their reactions, he hurried on. "Well, in them days, as ignorant as we were, we thought that there really was no such thing as rape. It was considered to be what girls said after they'd been on a date, and the boy wanted to go all the way, and the girl did too, but she would pretend like she didn't 'cause she'd been raised to be a decent girl. That way, she could always be the innocent one. Especially if the girl got pregnant, she could say it wasn't her fault, it was rape. See, I told you we were ignorant."
Jack in his pain, yelled, "So what did my daddy think had happened to him?"
Walter blanched, and sat down hard on his chair. "Jack, I hope you are ready for this. We thought, your daddy and I, that he had suffered a Queer attack. We truly thought that's what Queers did. They went around and grabbed boys and young men, and forced them to have sex. I'm sorry Claire! I'm just trying to be as clear to Jack as I can be. This is the reason why "those types of men" were so feared and so hated."
"That's why, Jack, when Johnny saw that you had a crush on a boy when you were in the sixth grade, he beat you so bad, I thought he was going to kill you. Claire called me to come over quick, and I had to physically restrain him. He didn't want you to be a predator, or a sick animal like those men who attacked him."
Some things from the past were becoming a little clearer for Jack. "Walter, did they ever catch the men who attacked my father?" Jack asked.
"No, the Childress Police had nothing to go on. Most likely those men weren't from Childress, or even Texas. Several years later we saw an article from New Mexico about a similar attack, and the men were caught. John said that sure enough, the pictures in the paper looked like the men who hurt him."
"Just another thought Jack. I'm sure you were hurt that your daddy and mama didn't come to your wedding, seeing as how your dad was thrilled that you found a woman to marry and were settling down to a "normal" life. It was because it was in Childress, a place he'd never go back to, no matter what. Of course, he couldn't tell you that. He did wish you happiness, even though he could not step foot in that town."
"Same story for the Texas Ranger's games. Johnny said you gave him a open invitation to come down to Childress, so the two of you could go over to Arlington Stadium together to see the Rangers play. Bad as he wanted to go with you to see Jim Kern or Bump Wills he could not go back there."
"So he never really dealt with it, never got any counseling at all, is what you are saying?" asked Ennis.
"Unfortunately, that's true, he never would go. But I did." added Walter.
"You did?" asked Jack.
"Yes, you see, I was keeping this ugly secret, carrying it around with me, and I didn't even tell Iris, cause John made me promise to tell no one. But I always tell Iris everything, so it was giving me an ulcer keeping it from her."
"And I could see what it was doing to Claire, and Jack, too, the way John had changed so drastically. Anyway, I started bleeding, and my doctor detected the ulcer, but he was a wise man. In addition to treating my symptoms, he sent me to a Psychologist."
"While I was going to that doctor, we talked about so many things that had happened, and what I felt or knew about them. It was an eye-opening experience, to be sure. That Dr. Carter told me that hiding the truth, and keeping those secrets was eating me up. Literally, eating my stomach lining.
First thing I did was to tell Iris. That was such a big relief, I hated keeping anything from her. She's known for several years now."
"Dr. Carter also gave me some homework to do. Gave me a list of books to read. Wanted me to know the truth about homosexual men and what they are really like, what they want out of life; a home, a committed relationship and a chance at Happily Ever After; basically the same things we all want."
"The main thing I learned from my talks with Dr. Carter was that John's rape had nothing whatsoever to do with sex, or sexuality; it had to do with violence, and power over someone else. Those men most likely were not even homosexuals at all."
"So this brings me to today, This morning when I blurted out that I knew about you two from twenty years ago, and everyone got that big shock, I saw how you men are together, in real life. Jack, you went over and held Ennis in your arms and comforted him. Ennis you kissed Jack and leaned into him and reassured him that you were okay. Ennis you were very supportive of Claire that she not blame herself or worry. I saw real love in this house this morning. That was the best thing that could have happened to me today, it's what made my mind up to try to change what's been happening here."
"Every day when I go see Johnny, I talk about what's going on with the family. I've been telling him you were here, Ennis, and all the help you're giving his wife and son. Every day, just building up a positive image in his mind. Even though John has never met you, he knew your name from 1963, and every year when Jack would talk about bringing you up here to help on the ranch. He had built up a powerful fear, even a hatred of you, Ennis. I'm sorry son, that's just the truth. Thought you had turned his son's head."
"Today I faked a little hunger attack, and I asked Claire to go down to the cafeteria to get me a Snickers bar, just to get her out of the room for a few minutes. As soon as she left, I told John I was not willing to keep the secret anymore, and that I'd be telling you all this today, all of it."
"Another thing, Claire doesn't know this either. John is getting more than physical therapy at Mt. Carmel Hospital. They treat the whole person; in this day and age, doctors are beginning to recognize that our bodies affect our minds, and vice versa. He is getting counseling every day and has been since he went in there on the 9th of May.
I'm not saying I can see any results except for one thing, he lets me talk about ideas that he normally would never have listened to before."
Walter continued, but he was showing signs of tiring. "I hear a truck coming up the drive, it should be Iris. Yes, there was another lie today, Sis, when I said I was going to the Men's room, I wasn't, I called Iris to fill her in on what was happening. I told her what I was going to tell you, and asked her to give us an hour, and then come over with some much needed nourishment."
Just then Iris walked in, and said hello to the room in general, she didn't try to make eye contact with anyone till she knew how it was going. She walked over to Claire and put her arms around her, and patted her back. Only when Iris was here, did Claire feel safe enough to allow herself to let go and cry her heart out for the love of her life who had been so hurt and would never tell her why he changed.
Walter jerked his head to Jack and Ennis to leave the women for a minute, and go out to bring in the food. Jack and Ennis both lit cigarettes as soon as they were outside, and Jack said "I hope they hung those goddamn bastards!
Killin' is too good for'em! Fuck! What a thing to happen; my poor daddy!"
Jack turned and stormed off towards the barn, looking for something to hit. First thing he came to was a tree, so he kicked it and starting hitting it with his fist, punching that tree and cussing it for all the years that he'd been robbed of his true daddy. Ennis let him go at it for a bit, but worried he'd break his hand if he didn't let up. Finally, he walked over and grabbed Jack in a mighty embrace, pulled him away from the tree and into his arms. "Cry on me, darlin'. I'm here. I've got you. I've got you now. It's going to be okay." Ennis murmured to Jack in a steady stream, the way Jack did to him whenever things went wrong. Eventually, Jack quieted and went limp on Ennis' shoulder. He didn't think he could take any more of this. He was to find out that he was wrong; it wasn't over yet.
Walter was pulling food containers from Iris' truck. Jack wiped his face, as he and Ennis went over and retrieved all the rest of the meal his aunt had brought for them.
Inside, things were somewhat calmer. The table had been cleared, and a new pitcher of iced tea was waiting, paper plates, napkins and flatware had been placed on the table at each place. Iris took charge of opening and displaying the choices for sandwiches, potato salad, cole slaw and chips. The bread plate was filled and everyone was invited to help themselves. Claire filled tea glasses while the men began building hearty man-sized ham, turkey and cheese sandwiches, with all the fixin's.
The general assumption was that they had been through too much, that they couldn't possibly eat, but they all found that they were ravenous. Maybe each was looking to fill the hole in them with something other than sadness. In any case, they ate hungrily, it tasted good, and when they were satisfied, Iris brought ice cream sandwiches out of the freezer for their dessert.
When Walter had finished his ice cream, he resumed talking about the situation. There was another tough subject he had to broach and it affected each of them.
"Iris, my love, that hit the spot and probably saved our lives. I thank you very kindly for coming to our rescue." said Walter. Everyone chimed in with their appreciation as well.
"Jack, I'm sorry but we have to get back at this. We're running out of time."
Iris stayed seated at the table, reached over to pull Claire's hand into her lap, and softly ran her thumb back and forth across Claire's clenched up fist.
Walter started anew. "Jack, the reason I'm feeling pressured, and I'm rushing all of you is that two things are looming on the horizon. First, Bobby will be here on Friday night, and second, John will be coming home less than a week after that. Something has to be done, nephew. I'm sorry to speak to you like a dutch uncle, but you need to face this head on, be a man."
Jack gulped, and waited to hear the rest of what his uncle had in store for him. "As I said this morning, I got eyes. I seen how you two feel about each other, and Bobby will too. He's nearly grown himself, so that's not a secret you can bother to even try to keep." claimed Walter.
"And Jack, your poor wife, down in Texas; do you want your son to be the one to tell her that her husband is in love with someone else? I don't think that's the kind of man you are. Least, I would hope not."
"Uncle Walter, Ennis and I are not at a place where we are ready to . . ."
Ennis put his hand on Jack's shoulder to get his attention and stop him from talking. He stood up and turned to face Jack. Getting down on his right knee in front of him, he took both of Jack's hands and looked into his eyes. "Darlin' the time has come for me to step forward and make an honest man of you, if you'll have me. I love you, Jack. I want to spend my life with you; not two or three times a year, but every day. If not knowing where I stood has kept you from making a decision about telling Lureen and Bobby, then you have one less obstacle in your path. Whatever you decide to do, I'm ready to support it. You know I'm in, for better or for worse. No matter what, no matter when. The timing is entirely up to you." Ennis badly wanted to kiss Jack, but thought it would not be appropriate in front of all this family.
Jack reached down to Ennis' face and pulled him forward so their foreheads were together. They stayed that way for an eternity. Then he kissed Ennis'
mouth and said "I love you, Ennis. You know I'm in, for better or for worse." Jack then pushed Ennis to stand up with him, and holding hands they faced Uncle Walter.
"Sir, thank you for being my dutch uncle today, and for looking out for me and my daddy all these years. I owe you so much." so saying, Jack walked over to Walter to shake his hand. Walter shoved the hand aside, and took Jack in a big bear hug. He pounded him heartily on the back, smiling, his eyes full of tears at what they had all just witnessed.
Ennis walked forward to Walter, and putting out his hand, he said "I owe you a debt of gratitude for bringing us face to face with reality, sir, I won't soon forget it. Again, Walter rejected the handshake in favor of a huge bear hug and pounded Ennis on the back with the same fervor he had granted Jack.
"Walter said, "Del Mar, I knew I liked you from the git go, boy."
Meanwhile, both women were in tears, smiling to beat the band. Truth be told, they all felt like they'd just been witnesses to a wedding. Felt ready to sign the dotted line on the Marriage Certificate.
Claire made a beeline for her boys, hugged them both, smiling and crying tears at the same time. She kissed each of them and hugged them again.
Iris shyly made her way over to Jack, and hugged him, saying "I'm so happy for you, whatever you need son, me and Walter are here for you." she squeezed him tight to show she meant it. Iris then approached Ennis and holding out her arms for a hug, moved in firmly. When she had a good grasp on him, she spoke into his ear, "I'm your aunt Iris, welcome to the family, Ennis Del Mar."
The thing about hugging Iris was, she was only 5 foot tall and no inches. So Jack and Ennis both had to bend down considerably to let her hug them. It was worth it.
Walter said, "Hon, I think we should be goin' and let these fine people rest and sort their lives out a bit." They all walked out to see the visitors off, and Walter thought of something he needed to tell Jack. "School is out now and my grandson's are around plenty, so if you need to leave Bobby with us far as long as it takes for you to go talk to your wife, just let Iris or me know. We got plenty of room, and he'll have kids his age to hang out with."
Iris got in her truck and Walter in his, they both drove off to go home feeling that a great weight had been lifted off them today. "I hope that it hasn't come off me, only to be hung on someone else's shoulders." Thought Walter.
End of Chapter 19