Well of course that first lunch was a tad bit awkward but ever since then it's been great. Seeley has been awesome with Ryan and in fact they are friends now and he is sending me to the same school as him. I can hang out with Ryan whenever I want and he is even allowed to come over to the apartment if Seeley is there. As a result Ryan and I have also gotten a lot closer.

Now we have been in school for a couple months and I believe that I have adjusted to public school very nicely. I love the fact that you don't have to salute to any of your teachers and I get to go home at the end of the day. Ryan introduced me to his friends and I've made a few of my own. Life is good.

Except for the fact that Ryan still really wants to date me. I mean I want to go out with him too but I can't and I also can't explain to him why. That is his new favorite question: Why? I owe him the explanation though seeing as we are like best friends.

It was Friday after school and again the conversation had gone to us dating. He started to ask the normal questions but this time I gave him the answers he wanted.

"Why can't we go out?"

"Ryan, listen to me, it's not that we can't go out so much as I'm not ready for us to go out."

"What do you mean by that?"

"It has to do with my past."

"Oh right the mystery past that you won't tell me about."

"I won't tell you because I know that you aren't going to like it."

"I don't have to like it I just want to know. You are my best friend and I want to know everything about you. Do you think that we won't be friends anymore if you tell me?"

"Something like that."

"That won't happen I promise."

"Fine. I think that if we go out I will slip into my old ways."

"Which are?"

"I'm getting to that. Look when I was younger my mother left my dad and she also left me with him and my two half brothers. That put me in a sticky situation because my father was an abusive alcoholic and I thought that Seeley and Jared resented me for not being their full sister. So years went by and I kept to myself mostly, but I started to resent myself and take part in risky situations. I didn't care what happened to me and deep down I was trying to die, but I guess I didn't have the courage to kill myself.

Anyways in middle school I started hanging out with kids that were in high school and a lot older than me. They weren't a good bunch to say the least. They were into drugs and alcohol and of course they were my friends so I started doing it too. I got closer and closer to all of them and eventually started dating one of the guys and I had sex with him. But then that relationship didn't last too long so I moved on to another guy in the group and eventually made my way around to all of them. Through the whole thing I was doing meth and I got addicted. God only knows what happened to me when I was high.

I have been to funerals for over half of the people in that group. Most died of an over dose, two got aids either from sharing needles or having sex, and several died in horrifying car accidents because they drove after getting high and drunk at one of our stupid parties.

All of this only stopped because one night the cops got wind that we were going to have a party and drugs were involved. You can imagine their surprise when they found an eleven year-old girl there who was stoned out of her mind. That's how my dad found out, it was because I was arrested and taken to the hospital. Seeley and Jared suspected the whole time but I suppose they couldn't believe that their little sister could do something so terrible." A steady stream of tears was flowing down my cheeks now. Ryan pulled me close and comforted me.

Several minutes later I continued, "So my dad was furious and he screamed and hit me. The next day he decided that when summer was over and I was done with my rehab sessions I would be sent to military school. The worst thing though was the disappointment in my brothers' faces. Jared refused to be in the same room as me and Seeley couldn't make eye contact. I was finally allowed to live with my grandfather though which made the situation slightly better. Although he would hardly even talk to me. Now you know."

"I'm sorry I bugged you so much to tell me and it obviously wasn't easy for you to do so. I'm even more sorry that you had to go through all that and that it still haunts you today. I understand now somewhat why you don't want to date me or anyone for that matter."

"Thank you."

"I want you to know however that I would never do anything to you. I would never pressure you for sex or offer you drugs or abuse you like your father so cruelly did. I genuinely care for you and would never allow such things to even cross my mind. I realize that your past probably will not allow you to believe me but I assure you that I am sincere."

"I know you are but I'm afraid that it's not that simply. It's not you that I think will get me to do all of those things again but me. I won't be able to stop myself from going back."

"How will you know if you don't try?"

"Trying could get me killed."

"I can protect you. I can make sure that nothing happens to you."

"You like to think that you can but believe me you can't. I am saving you the trouble of heartbreak."

"You're already breaking my heart by not giving me a chance."

"I want to but I'm afraid of what could happen."

"Forget about that and let me take care of it. With me around nothing can go wrong."

"That's very tempting but I can't possibly ask you to do all that for me."

"Too late. I already am." He stepped in and kissed me and it was final. There is no going back from here.