CHAPTER 1: THE FIRST CHAPTER (obviously...)

"Get up, you lousy brat!"

"I'm still sleeping!"

"No you ain't!"

"I'm still sleeping!"

"GET UP!"

Reluctantly, Larry Potter, a small, if not a bit annoyed, ten year old boy orphaned for as long as he could remember after his parents were killed either by being run over by a pair of evil rampaging dinosaurs or a fatal car crash-he wasn't sure which. He pulled the sheets off his body and rubbed his heavy eyes. He yawned, his mouth opening wide, and fingered around on the floor for a pair of glasses. He found them, and put them on, the clouds disappearing from his vision, the scene around him becoming sharper and clearer. The tousled blankets, the small objects strewn around the room and the small wardrobe which housed his clothes all came into sharp focus.

"GGGGGGGEEEEEEETTTTT UUUUUPPPPP!"

"Geezus, man!" Said Larry, "You don't have to repeat letters like that!"

"SHUT UP! GET DOWN HERE NOW!"

Grumbling all manner of rude words under his breath, Larry trudged out of his room to the kitchen, where his father figure, Mr. Muesli, was waiting, his face a red beetroot. .

"MAKE DUMBO'S BIRTHDAY BREAKFAST NOW! BEFORE HE WAKES UP!" Shouted Mr. Muesli, looking as though steam was about to come pouring out of his ears.

"Sure, all you had to do was ask," replied Larry, feeding on Mr. Muesli's anger, and he promptly walked over to the fridge and pulled out a few rashers of bacon and threw them onto a pan placed on the stove. He then turned a silver dial and instantly flame erupted from the stove under the pan. He watched as the steam started to pour out from the pan and dissipate into the air.

"One day I'm gonna be famous," Larry said absently. "Everyone will know my name, there'll be a movie about me, th-"

"Oh yeah," said Mr. Muesli. Larry, unaware that Mr. Muesli was listening, turned around to face him. "And what'll that movie be called? Larry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone?

"Hey, that sounds right! How did you know that?" Said Larry

"Obviously, I'm a cyborg from the future".

"Really?"

"No"

"Oh..."

"Get back to work!"

Larry turned back to the stove, and seeing the bacon had browned and looked succulent and ready to serve, he turned the dial back and the flame disappeared. Mr Muesli watched him coldly as he placed two rashers of bacon on three different plates-one for Dumbo, Mrs. Muesli and the last one for Mr. Muesli. None for Larry-if he wanted food, he had to scrounge around in the bin. This showcased how little respect the Muesli's had for Larry.

Suddenly, a shrill cry reverberated around the room and Dumbo came bounding down the stairs, still in his pajamas, his whole body quivering with excitement.

"Give me my presents!" he shouted, "I want them now!"

Mr Muesli greeted Dumbo with a warm hug.

"Dumbo, m'boy!" said Mr. Muesli, lowering Dumbo back down to floor and rubbing him on the head. "Would you like to open your presents?"

Dumbo jumped excitedly. "

"Is that even a question?" and with that, he ran over to the table where a hefty pile of gift-wrapped presents lay stacked on each other. Dumbo literally leapt onto the mound of gifts and teared off the wrapping paper, not caring to read the cards addressed to him. He received thirty-five gifts in all, one of which was a snake which Larry particularly hated after having a conversation with it earlier, which had gone like this:

"You're lonely, just like me, aren't you," Larry had said

"No, not really," the snake had replied flatly, "Why don't you get a friend? You're a loner"

"Hey, I'm not a lo- hey, you can talk?"

"No"

"... then, uh, how are you talking?"

The snake had just stared at him icily.

"I'll leave you alone forever now," Larry had said, and he stayed true to his word, never daring to approach the strange creature again.

The next day, Larry awoke in the confined space of the attic to a loud banging sound. Curious as to what it could be, he groped around in the darkness for his glasses and found them. He slipped them on and opened up the door. It was still dark, and Larry found his way to the front door by holding his hands out and sliding his fingers along the wall. He approached the front door and found that it was shaking brutally backwards and forwards. Being the inquisitive type, Larry came closer to the door and called out,

"Hello! My name is Larry Potter! If you are a murderer, please go away, because we don't like those people. Thank you!

There was a muffled reply from the other side of the door which Larry couldn't discern, but all the same he stayed at the door. There was a loud crunching sound and the door flew off its hinges, revealing a muscular, strongly built man. He had a long, bristly beard and was dressed in a brown vest. He had a sparkle in his eyes which defied his aggressive actions, and he smiled at Larry.

"Nice to meet you. My name is Fatty"

"Certainly a good name to describe you," replied Harry.

"Pardon?"

"Oh, nothing. So, uh, I'm just wondering why you smashed the door off and came into our house and started talking to me as if I'm your friend".

"Oh, sorry, I haven't got that before! I've been sent here fr-"

Suddenly, Fatty's figure was enlightened by a pair of bright headlights that appeared behind him. He turned around to see a blue car, hovering above the ground. A scrawny young boy with red hair and freckles sat in the drivers seat, smiling.

Fatty waved his hands around in the air.

"CD-Ron! Go away! The flying car isn't until book two!"

"Oops!" exclaimed the boy, who Larry now identified as CD-Ron. His face turned pink, and as suddenly as he had came he was off, flying into the night sky.

"Um, what was that about?" asked Larry questioningly, trying to digest what he had just seen.

"Oh, um, yeah, well, um, it was nothing. Well, back to the point. I was sent here to take you to FaceLong School for Witches and Wizards. You are put in houses, perform magic spells, have lessons with the best te-"

"Oooh, lessons! Like skiing lessons?"

Fatty stared blankly at Larry

"...no"

"Oh. Well, uh, what was that part about the magic and stuff"

"Well, you are actually a wizard. You can perform magic"

"Really! That's awesome".

"Yes, uh, awesome. So, uh, let's go"

Harry smiled broadly.

"So you don't have to tell the Mueslis?"

"No"

Larry laughed and flew up to the attic, gathering his clothes and possessions. In a matter of minutes he was off, flying of with the mysterious man named Fatty on a large red motorbike.

It was seven o'clock in the morning when Fatty finally brought down the motorbike from the sky and landed it unceremoniously outside in a narrow lane. Larry and Fatty both got off the motorbike, and Larry looked about himself. Shops lined the street, left and right, most of them pubs. The hearty laughs of men could be heard in the tapered road, but Larry and Fatty paid them no heed. Fatty directed Larry to a solid brick wall, a dead end which concluded the street. All around him, people bustled about, hurrying into the many shops.

Larry and Fatty arrived at the wall, Larry wondering why Fatty was taking him to something as featureless and pointless as a brick wall.

"Well, here we are," said Fatty.

"Yeah, so, we're at a brick wall. Wow. Great. So, what next?"

"Aaah," said Fatty, "well, I'm going to take you shopping"

"Shopping?"

"Exactly"

"But I hate shopping! It's so boring!

"But this shopping is different! We're getting magical things!"

"Yeah, well, um, yeah!"

Fatty shook his head impatiently, and with an exasperated sigh, took out a mottled, orange carrot from his coat pocket. He placed it against the wall, and said,

"Drillius Drillo!"

Instantly, the carrot that he was holding in his hands shone brightly, and in front of Larry's eyes, it morphed into a cordless, electric drill with a rated input power of 500W, a chrome plated chuck, an equilibrium design handle, and a no-load speed of 0-2500r/min.

"Well, get on with it! I thought we were going shopping!" Larry said intolerantly.

"Yes, yes, alright," responded Fatty gruffly.

He pushed down a red button on the drill with his index finger, and he plunged it into the wall, which broke into tiny pieces of shrapnel that soared through the air, exploding into clouds of dust as they smashed into streets lights and shops. Fatty, satisfied with his work, dusted his hands and put the drill back in his pocket.

"Fatty," Larry said the hint of a question in his voice.

"Yes"

"Well, how come nobody noticed that you just demolished a wall in the middle of a busy street?"

"Oh, that. Well, it's a magical wall, you see, "it's enchanted, so that when it explodes, no Huggles can see it. They can't see beyond this wall, either."

"Huggles?"

"Oh, just non-magic folk. Well, let's not linger here, we still have a lot to do".

"Yes," agreed Larry, glancing upwards at the large portion of pages still unread by the reader, "a lot to do"

So it was that Larry and Fatty proceeded through the mound of rubble which had accumulated at their feet, ending up in a large, sprawling town, almost, in complete contrast to the thin road which they had been standing in earlier.

"Welcome to Dorito Alley," said Fatty, sweeping his hand across the landscape behind him.

"It looks boring," said Larry, unimpressed.

"Boring! Dorito Alley, boring! What! It was named after John Dorito, who was in love with Lucy Smith, who asked him to kick her ex-boyfriend Jimmy Slippy in the face, but Jimmy heard of this evil plan and set out to find John Dorito and kill him. On a Saturday night, Jimmy Slippy snuck into John's house, and before John had time to kick him, Jimmy Slippy turned John Dorito into this big alley and then went to Canada to sell cupcakes".

"What a sad and inspirational story," remarked Larry sarcastically, "is it true?"

"No"

Larry and Fatty ventured further into the street, bumping past a large assortment of people, most dressed in long flowing robes and holding overflowing baskets and cases in their hands.

"This alley is where all the witches and wizards of FaceLong buy their things for the new school year. Look, ther-"

"Can you stop explaining everything, you fat man! You're like bloody Nav'i, you are!"

Fatty looked disapprovingly at Larry and refrained himself from picking him up and eating him.

"First we'll get you a wand," said Fatty, pointing to a diminutive shop with a sign reading 'Olive Lavender's Overpriced Wand Shop'.

Fatty and Larry advanced towards the tiny place, and Fatty opened the door, revealing a dimly lit room with rows of bookshelves lining its sides. A desk was set at the back of the room, and at the moment, it was plagued with a huge amount of papers. Sitting beside these papers was a brass bell. Fatty walked up to the bell, placed his hand on top of it and applied pressure to the small button under his hand. A sharp ringing sound pierced the air, and almost immediately, a ladder same sliding down along the bookshelves. An aging man was standing on it. He made for a strange sight- what with his frizzled grey hair that protruded from his scalp at many odd angles, his large circular glasses, and his eyes that seemed to bulge out of his sockets. These same eyes came to rest on Fatty.

Fatty recognised the man and greeted him with blissful salutations.

"Blissful salutations!" Said Fatty

"Why, if it isn't my old friend Fatty!" The man said in a high-pitched, strangled garb. "What brings you and this little one here?"

"Well," replied Fatty, gesturing towards Larry, "This here is Larry Potter, and he's starting his first year at Facelong".

The lively old man turned to face Larry, and he gave him a bit of an unnerved grin. Larry looked questioningly at Fatty, who waved his hand and mouthed the words 'I'll tell you later'. Larry let out an annoyed sigh, but didn't wish to take it any further-not in front of this freaky old guy.

"Well, my word, me giving a wand to Larry Potter! What a delightful treat!"

And with that he whisked behind a door placed behind the desk. A few seconds later, he emerged back from the doorframe holding a dark, maroon coloured box. He shoved it into Larry's face.

"One of the finest wands around," the man remarked as Larry took the box from him, "made from phoenix ass and bird feathers"

Larry grimaced in disgust, but all the same he opened the lid of the box and withdrew the carrot, brandishing it in his hand like a weapon.

"Now," said the man excitedly, "just wave it around and say something. Make sure it has an o on the end, though".

"Yeah, yeah," said Larry.

He waved the wand about in the air in a circular motion, and shouted, "sheep!"

Nothing happened.

"-o!"

Instantly, a flock of sheep appeared in the small room and started running around stupidly like sheep. They smashed into walls, toppled cupboards, and leveled the whole building. Nearby, Zeus rode by outside on a spaceship.

The eccentric, elderly man shouted joyfully, enjoying the sheep spectacle even though the animals were completely bulldozing his shop. Fatty, on the other hand, was not having fun. He raised his wand and shouted out a few words. A bright red light shot out from the carrot and burnt all the sheep to black piles of ash, which lay smoldering all around the shop, the smoke pouring out of them coalescing into one huge cloud before dispersing into the air.

"The perfect wand!" the man said excitedly. "It should work a treat for the young lad!"

"Ah, you've done it again Olive," said Fatty, "well, we best be off, though".

The saluted each other in an ancient wizard salute, sticking both their hands down their throats. Then Fatty turned on his heel and walked out of the dank store, Larry following behind him.

"Fatty," said Larry as they walked out of the store, thankful for the fresh air, "What was that thing about?"

"What thing?" Said Fatty, taking off his coat. "Oh, that. It's a long story. Here, I'll take you into that little place, we can discuss it there."

Fatty extended his finger outwards, and Larry followed it so a large pub that looked as if it had been around for hundreds of years. Paint was peeling of the outside of the place, and mounted on the top of the structure was a splintery wooden sign with the words 'The Squeaky Pauldron' engraved on it in an untidy scrawl. Peals of laughter rang out from the pub, as well as the clinking of bottles. They entered the pub through a little wooden door, and Fatty prepared himself to inform Larry of a tragic tale.

Hi! Please keep reading, the story gets better as it progresses. Also, when I make the joke about Nav'i, I am referring to the annoying blue fairy in 'The Legend Of Zelda' series, not the blue people from the movie, 'Avatar'