A/N: So first of all, I chose to go with the originally intended timeline instead of the air-dates with this one. I thought it only made sense, especially since I was following Anna's story. Also, this one isn't as funny, but then Best Friend was kind of a tumultuous time for our dear Anna. In telling the story of Anna Wu, I couldn't pretend things like this didn't happen, so here it is. Hope you enjoy, and please review. Thanks!
Disclaimer: I haven't done this in awhile, so just let me add that I don't own CHUCK, and that means I don't own Anna. If I did, she'd still be on my TV every Monday. *tears*
Dear Anming,
I know I haven't written you in awhile. Well, except to make lists of people I want to do harm, or see harmed. In a way, I suppose that's an abomination on your very name. I'm sorry about that, but at least you served your purpose. You let me vent, and brought me peace.
Now, I'm coming to you in the way I've always intended. Or at least in the way I'd originally intended. I need to air my thoughts. I need to sort through my emotions. Gods, I'm so confused right now, and I really just need someone to listen, and not judge me.
First of all, let me get this out of the way. I still love Morgan. I know it's stupid, but I do. I want things to work between us. Or I did. I'm not sure the proper context for that statement. But I've come to the realization that Morgan will never grow up. He'll never be the man I need in my life. I'm a strong, smart, confident, beautiful, independent woman, and I can take care of myself. Just ask Mitt. But sometimes, I want to feel like a girl, you know?
Morgan never allowed me to do that. I always had to be the mature one with him. And I had to be the one to admit to my feelings. Which, it's not easy for me either. But he doesn't seem to get that. It's like my station in life, in a relationship with Morgan, was to make him feel better about himself. And I'm sorry, but I have needs, too. I feel insecure sometimes, too.
That's where Jason comes in. He's tall, handsome, sweet, and successful. And he makes me feel protected when I'm around him, even if I don't need it. He's everything my parents would want me to find in a man. And he represents a lot of the things I want in a man as well.
Things in my life seem so much simpler when I'm with him. They seem to be going better, too. Chuck and Sarah, two people I look up to a lot, asked me to double-date with them yesterday. They told me I was their friend. I was floored. I mean, it's not that I didn't think they were fond of me, in some way. But to say I was their friend, that they didn't just look at me as Morgan's girlfriend? I was moved to say the least. And none of that happened until I was with Jason.
I slept with Jason last night. It was our first time together. After seeing Morgan make a fool of himself outside the car show, I just wanted to move on from my past as quickly as I could. And in the moment, it seemed like the right thing to do. And it's not that the sex wasn't good. It was. And I have no reason to feel this connection to Morgan anymore. So why do I feel so guilty?
It's not like I cheated on Morgan. We're not together anymore. And he never treated me as well as Jason treats me. With Jason, I have a future. Our relationship has potential. Everything should be right. So why does it feel wrong? Why can't I stop thinking about Morgan?
I'm so frustrated. With myself, with life, with Morgan. I'm trying to find a way to blame this all on him. I'm sure it's his fault, for some reason. But I do still love him. Maybe in time, I'll love him less. Maybe I'll love him less every day, until there's nothing left of my feelings for him. I just hope it happens sooner rather than later. I don't know how much longer I can take feeling like this.
I haven't sorted anything out yet, but it feels good to get these things off my chest. Thank you for hearing me out, my faithful companion.
-Anna Wu, 2/10/09
A/N: Just to be clear, Anming is Anna's diary. You probably picked up on that, but thought I'd clarify just to avoid any questions. You guys are awesome. Peace.