CHAPTER 6: THE HAT OF SORTINGNESS
All of the first years entered the building, mouths agape and eyes wide. The floor was completely golden, and it was painted in a thick layer of golden glitter paint. Long, wooden tables were placed all around the room in rows, and on them were steaming mugs of cold milk (WTF?). Chairs were set into the floor in front of the tables, and at the moment, most of them were housing all the students who had already experienced one or more years at FaceLong. They murmured excitedly as Fatty orchestrated the first years into a line against the wall.
One of the girls in that line was named Amanda.
Amanda was wearing a pink shirt with big purple stripes. Printed on it was a picture of a lizard, and lots of cool GLITTER was all over the shirt! It was made out of polyester and was made in China by hard working laborers.
Her pants were an eye-burning hot pink. They ended at her ankles, and at the bottom of them there were a few sparkly sequins. The pants had a grey zip, which was made out of metal and was used to zip up her pants. She was wearing a fashionable, glittering blue belt on her pants, and this belt had a metal clasp and five holes. On the side of the belt was a big stain, cause of an accident with a bottle of Diet Coke last weekend.
On her hands she was wearing a shining array of bling. Each of her fingers had a ring on it, with a blue diamond in one, a green diamond in another, a red diamond in another, a rainbow diamond in another, a brown diamond in another, a pink diamond in another, a purple diamond in another, a yellow diamond in another, an aqua diamond in another and an orange diamond on her left pinky, which had a finger between it and her left middle finger. She had five elastic bands around her wrist, and they were elastic and could be stretched with ease.
She was wearing some comfortable white socks completely devoid of any stains or damage, except for a small hole at the bottom of one of them which could be seen if she took her foot out of her shoe. Speaking of her shoes, she had one on each foot. Both of them were white and pink and had a minimal number of holes in them. They were made out of rubber imported from China which was then crafted into the very shoes she was wearing. The shoes had fluffy pink laces made of fluffy pink stuff. Imprinted on her shoes was the Nike logo. The shoes were bought by Amanda from a shoe shop in England.
She had styled her hair into a bun and skewered two chopsticks through it which she had found at a Chinese restaurant on the ground. Her face was covered in mascara and lipstick and she had ugly black eye shadow on her eyelids. Her mouth was pursed tightly and her eyes were wide open. Her eyes were blue and her pupils were black and the rest of her eye was white. She had a small, pointed organ between her mouth and her eyes called a nose, which she used to smell things and to breathe. There are also many other uses of the nose, if you did not know, including conditioning the air we breathe and our primary way of sneezing. Noses are very important things, you see.
Her ears were very large and she was often bullied about this. They were tinged with red, and were used to detect sound. However, they did not only act as a sound reciever, they helped her to balance her body. Fun Fact: Ears are part of the auditory system!
Amanda was not a very likeable girl, and she is of no importance to the story.
"Put on your robe!" said Fatty to Amanda.
Shall we carry on then?
Larry looked about himself to take his mind off the apparent squashing feeling he was experiencing. He noticed a long wooden table at the back of the room. Seated behind this table was a group of adults. They varied in age and size.
In the centre of the table was a worn old hat which had been patched together with some band-aids. It flopped about like it was alive.
Suddenly, one of the figures behind the table stood up, the hat in his hands. He broke the silence.
"I would like to make a speech before the excitement of the sorting ceremony" He said in a frail old voice. Larry now recognised him as the man from the card he had found on the train. "Do not enter the French Fry Forest, it is forbidden. Thank you".
Then he sat down.
Everybody broke out into a loud applause at the inspirational speech. The man smiled and put the sorting hat down on the table again, upon which it began to sing a song. Stevie Wonder appeared next to the hat with his guitar, and he started to strum.
Oh, you may not think I'm pretty,
But don't judge on what you see,
I'll eat myself if you can find
A smarter hat than me.
You can keep your bowlers black,
Your top hats sleek and tall,
For I'm the Hogwarts Sorting Hat
And I can top them all.
There's nothing hidden in your head
The Sorting Hat can't see,
So try me on and I will tell you
Where you ought to be.
You might belong in Griffin Snore,
Where dwell the brave at heart,
Their daring, nerve and chivalry
Set Griffin Snores apart;
You might belong in Huff and Puff,
Where they are just and loyal,
Those patient Huff and Puffs are true
And unafraid of toil;
Or yet in wise old Ravenpaw,
If you've a steady mind,
Where those of wit and learning,
Will always find their kind;
Or perhaps in Smiths Thins
You'll make your real friends,
Those cunning folk use any means
To achieve their ends.
So put me on! Don't be afraid!
And don't get in a flap!
You're in safe hands (though I have none)
For I'm a Thinking Cap
"Does that song sound familiar to you?" whispered Larry to Whiny.
The crowd clapped, upon which Stevie grew a pair of wings and flew off.
As the clapping became more subdued, one of the teachers, a tall, bespectacled young man, arose from his seat. Another teacher came to his side. She was named Mrs. McDonalds, and she was from the prologue. Remember?
The lady began to speak.
"Hello, everybody. Before we start the sorting, I would like to introduce to you a new addition to our staff this year. Please welcome Professor Mouldywart, to my immediate right!"
Everybody exchanged glances at the professor's name.
"Now, I know what you are all thinking. It is just a mere coincidence that his name happens to be the same as He-Who-Is-A-Cliched-Villain's.
Everybody let out a deep breath and instantly the tension was gone.
"I would now like to ask that you kindly listen to Professor Mouldywart's speech."
The man nodded at her and took a deep breath.
"Hello all!" He said enthusiastically. "I am very excited to be coming to kill, er, teach you! I hope we have a wonderful year together of erm, murderin-, sorry, learning about Defense Against the Dark Arts. That is all."
The school broke out into applause again, even louder than before.
"Now," began Mrs. McDonalds, "the sorting ceremony will commence."
She reached into her emerald green robe pocket and took out a tattered scroll that went from her head to her feet. Written on it in cursive writing were the names of all the first years. She cleared her throat and began to speak.
"First years, I will be calling you up one at a time. Upon your name being called out, you will come up to me, and put on this hat," she gestured to the hat with her hand, "and it will sort you into your respective houses. After you have been sorted, you may go and sit with your house one of these four tables. Shall we begin?"
There was a rustle of excitement from all the first years.
"Lauren Smith, would you please come up to the front."
A girl near the front of the line walked nervously up to Mrs. McDonalds, who pulled up a small wooden chair, which Lauren sat on. It was then that Larry noticed how beautiful Lauren was; she had magnificent hazelnut eyes, and sometimes, when she blinked, hazelnuts came tumbling out of her pupils. Larry decided that he did not like her anymore, for no apparent reason.
Mrs. McDonalds picked up the hat from the table with frail, wrinkled hands and placed it on Lauren's head. She closed her eyes tightly and prayed that she would get placed in Huff and Puff.
The hat just sat there on her head for a long time, mumbling softly to itself, the folds that created its eyes narrowing downwards. Finally, it spoke.
"Huff and Puff, you must. Do good things there, you will."
Lauren stood up, threw off the hat, did a little Irish jig to some music played by a Leprechaun band, bowed, and ran ecstatically over to the Huff and Puff table, where all the other members of the house were doing the Macarena. After the Huff and Puff's stopped their dancing, they all sat down and clapped Lauren heartily on the back.
"CD-Ron Peasley," announced Mrs. McDonalds.
CD-Ron timidly approached the chair and sat down. Mrs McDonalds put the hat on CD-Ron's head. CD-Ron whispered to the hat that he wanted to be in Griffin Snore.
The hat whispered back to him in a strangled garb comparable to the voice of Batman.
"You must open your heart to all the houses, young one. Griffin Snore is not the only place for one such as you."
"But I am afraid that if I open my heart too much, it will get a hole in it! And all my vessels will spill out!"
The hat whacked CD-Ron on the face with a hand that it did not have.
"Griffin Snore it is, then!"
The Griffin Snores started screaming and they greeted CD-Ron warmly with great big bear hugs.
After another 2 hours of this endless cycle of announcement and celebrating, Larry and Whiny were the only ones left to be sorted.
"Whiny Danger, up to the front, please," said Mrs. McDonalds.
Whiny walked up to the front confidently and seated herself on the chair. The hat was barely placed on her head before it shouted out, "Griffin Snore, she is!"
Whiny laughed and giggled and ran down to the Griffin Snore table.
"Last of all," said Mrs. McDonalds, "is a very special boy. Larry Potter, your turn."
Larry ran up to the chair and sat down. Most of the school were gazing at him with expressions of awe on their faces. Mrs. McDonalds put the hat on his head, and Larry closed his eyes tightly, wishing that he would be put with CD-Ron in Griffin Snore.
The hat just sat there on his head, contemplating its choices, searching deep within Larry's mind.
"Smiths Thins, you could," said the hat, musing to itself. "Or maybe Griffin Snore. Yes, GRIFFIN SNORE IT IS!"
Larry did three back flips, a front flip, a cart wheel, four hand stands, six commando rolls and two star jumps. Then he whizzed up to the Griffin Snore table and dived onto it, where he was caught by the energised students. They carried him around and accidentally dropped him on the floor. Larry shouted out in pain and looked back at the teachers, and thought he saw the faintest hint of a smile on Professor Moudywart's face.