Part 2: Jethro

And I'd try to help you walk along but I'd probably end up pushing you over

But don't worry; I'll never let you fall

And I'm stubborn and I shout and I'll cut you out

And I'll make you feel like I never wanted to make you feel

Kate Nash, "Navy Taxi"

He didn't know his own name anymore. The hand holding the biro had become alien to him.

His mouth was dry, his head empty and on his arms this little hills of skin were rising that one used to call goose bumps. The latter one was her fault.

He hated being watched while signing. His own incapability made him wanting to scream and scold someone, but he was able to keep his temper because she was the only one around.

Gibbs knew that a signature didn't require concentration. It was something one could do without looking at or thinking about it, once one got used to it.

He looked down on the document. Two black lines framed the floral white column, making the paper look naked, almost obscene. He knew he should be doing this but he forgot how to do it.

Why?
He didn't want to atone for his sins this way. The things Ziva had told him in his cellar have been haunting him like a ghost. Well, he didn't believe in ghosts and ghuls and those sorts of things – that was Abby's métier – but he recognized the feeling as what it was: guilt. The most real ghost that one could be haunted by.

"…And the closest thing I have…"she says, falling silent for a few seconds, "…to a father…"

He noticed her jaw was shaking a little bit.

"…is accusing me."

Her eyes are glistening because of the tears she is holding back.

How long is she holding back these emotions?

How long?

Instead of wondering about this question, Jethros first impulse is…

What the heck was that supposed to mean, the closest thing she had to a father?

He was not her Dad, she was not his daughter. Looking at Ziva had never awakened any memories of Kelly – how could it? Those girls were from two different worlds, two different parts of his life. He liked Ziva but he had never given her any favors, just because she was who she was.

And he had committed a crime on her trust.

Gibbs wondered why he had accused her of being fake all along. He had never been a man that could be fooled easily and even if someone had fooled him, this didn't last long. And this woman, who had worked four years under his supervising, should have betrayed him all at once? He should never have noticed that she had staged the death of her own brother to obtain his – Gibbs' – trust surreptitously? This was what he was supposed to believe.

Being fooled like that was an insult.

It was anger that gnawed on Gibb's mind. He was angry that he believed this crap from Vance and that he had felt insulted by Ziva. He had payed more attention to his hurt pride than his heart.

What he still called "his guts".

But inside this big bubble of anger… did he also feel a little bit of shame that he accused her of being a cold heartless bitch, worse that all the three of his ex-wifes together? (Oh, he would never choose such words, but he surely made Ziva believe that that was what she was to him.)

You bet.

Ziva had never given him a reason to doubt her loyalty which made it even worse. And it has been a quite stony road to gain his trust. Plastered with corpses, one might say. Of all people it was her who had been able to call him back home from Mexico. Because he cared for her. Because he trusted her completely.

Leroy Jethro Gibbs was a bastard and he was fine with that. But the last few days he had been more that that, he had been an ass.

It was time to apologize. No, he really wanted to apologize, not requiring it as a sign of weakness. Among friends, an apology was a sign of respect. Signing this document was the first step.
'If you really believed that, you would've done it all along', a tiny voice in his head was mocking.

Well, just translating such a little bit of text would not take that amount of time, one might think. One might be wrong with that! ^^ I definitely need a better dictionary and I have no access to the internet at home. *sigh* Also, I wanted to quote a few lines that Ziva said but I don't have Season Seven on DVD, so all I had were the words I remembered her saying in the german dub. Thus, I had to do some research.

So I want to say thank you for my dear friend Martine, who found out for me *giving her name sister the sweetest of hugs*