Chapter Ten: New Space, Old Patterns
"Have you been redecorating?" I asked as I entered the small room inside my own head. In the few times I've been here I noticed that nothing ever changed. Well, not that there was much to change, but still. Alice was usually the only thing inside the room that was never the same thing twice. Like any girl she changed outfits, her hair style changed slightly, and she was always reading or drinking something different. But the room as a whole never changed. The cream color walls remained tastefully decorated with curtains despite the fact there was no windows. The small wooden table and matching chairs didn't move or loose their clean shine. And it appeared that plants like the flowers that were placed around the room couldn't wilt or die. I had come to expect this as the norm so it took me by huge surprise to find a door in the wall directly behind Alice.
She smiled with amusement at my question. Today, or tonight I guess, she was wearing a dark red long sleeved sweater over a black tank top. Dark blue jeans and black ankle boots completed the outfit nicely and made me slightly jealous that she could fill it out better than I probably could. Her hair was in a sleek ponytail that hung low behind her head. "I haven't done anything Sarah."
"Really? Because to me it seems like there is one more door in here then there was last time. Or am I finally going crazy and there is no door?"
She waved towards the empty chair in front of her and I fell into it with a sigh. Looking down at the table there was a silver cup that wasn't there before. The drink inside had a yellow tinge and a sweet, sugary smell that told me right away what it was. I took a sip to find it was the most delicious lemonade I'd ever tasted. Alice watched me with a grin before setting down her own cup.
"That door was not my doing, but yours. And I have to say that it is about time! Do you know how long I've waited to show you the other rooms? Way too long!"
"Didn't we meet like two weeks ago?"
She rolled her eyes. "You only became aware of my presence two weeks ago. I've existed since you were old enough to think coherently."
Seriously?! "Oh. So, um, where does it go exactly? And how come it just appeared? Why now?"
"One question at a time please." Clearing her throat she held up one finger. "The door behind me is just one of the many doors inside your head. One may lead to two, each of those may lead to three or maybe six, some doors are dead ends while others go anywhere. Then there are ones that lead you nowhere and everywhere at once." I opened my mouth to argue the sheer nonsense of this explanation, but her eyes told me to keep silent. When I didn't say anything she held up another finger. "It came into existence because you put it there." A third and final finger. "As for the timeliness of its arrival, you have began to clear the air with old sour grape. Your mind is clearing, focusing, becoming more aware. You have come one step closer to controlling your powers."
"Okay, fine, most of what you say explains a lots. But one thing still gets at me. Why is Mr. D the connection in all of this? I know for a fact that just being in a bad place with your parent doesn't limit your powers. Luke, Percy, Nico, and many others didn't have contact with their parents or thought their parents didn't care. They managed just fine. So why is it only me having this limit?"
Alice sighed and leaned back. "Remember what I told you before, about fatal flaws?"
I nodded. "Yeah, how mine is 'tunnel vision', but so what?"
"Fatal flaws can sometimes hinder your powers, for you it's a mental game. And as you should know, the mind controls the body. And it doesn't matter if you've known them all your life or never even seen them, parents have a way of being a permanent placement in their children's minds. Just so you know it won't always be old sour grape that clogs your thoughts, it can be anyone. At this moment though it is him."
With that said she got up from the table, the first time she ever did. We always just sat; eating, drinking, and talking. When she stood the differences between us became much more clear. At her full height she was a good two and odd inches taller than me (even without the slight height given by the boots). Looking at Alice I couldn't help but feel a sense of pride, knowing this was what I could become someday. If you know, I didn't die first. Alice made her way to the door and motioned me over. Coming to stand beside her I took a closer look at the new door. Like the front door to my inner thoughts, this door had a glass knob. Unlike the heavy, solid dark oak wood door, this one was painted white and made of a less dense wood. The border of the door was carved with swirl patterns that were simple, but beautiful.
"So where does it go?" I ask as I lightly stroked the knob with a finger.
Alice just gave me a shrug. "I don't have an answer for that."
My hand fell back down to my side as I looked at her with a cocked eyebrow. "You live here, how could you not know?"
"A door can lead you to a different place each time and I don't control where it goes either so don't ask. And even if I could there are places in your mind Sarah that even I'm not aware of."
"So we're just playing this by ear then?"
"Pretty much."
With that reassuring comment I twisted the glass knob and pushed. The door gave away easily to reveal nothing but darkness. I wasn't just going to walk into a place I couldn't see, but Alice wasn't having any of that. I felt her hands on my back as she gave me a slight shove forward. Stumbling into the unknown room I caught my footing just and turned back to see Alice shutting the door. This left us in the dark.
"Well I got to say I was expecting a little more." I quipped as I waved my hand in front of my face to test the dark.
A heard two quick claps come from where Alice should have been. Then the whole room lit up. It was bigger than the sitting room at least by double. The walls were a light blue color with hard wood floors. A light gray couch with matching arm chairs and love seat occupied the center of the room surrounding a large glass coffee table. Along the walls were a few bookcases that held many objects. A few books, a knife or two, my old roller blades, and even a pair of familiar purple sunglasses.
"This is homey." I walked over to the bookcases and started touching everything. Not fully grabbing any particular item, but just skimming my hands over all of them. It was like reliving my life in a brief flash.
"This is just the beginning. That is, if you're up for going deeper. Be warned Sarah. You have opened one door and it will forever remain open. If you find yourself one day opening a less desirable door know that it too will remain open. Forever."
I don't know why, but that sent chills down my spine.
"What do I have to be afraid of? Everything in my head I could possibly open a door on already exists somewhere in my head. Where's the danger?"
"The mind is complex Sarah. We don't know everything that goes on in our subconscious. You may have things in here you've forgotten, naturally or forced. Or maybe one day something will happen and that single event will change the way your mind works. It may even make me fade into nothing more than a memory." She said this with a small indifferent smile that made me angry for some reason.
"What's to smile about? Do you want to not exist one day, to just, to just go poof?!"
She shrugged. "People change Sarah, you can and most likely will."
"How can you be so okay with that?"
"Change is the essential process of all existence."
I opened my mouth to argue, but as I did I felt the pull in my gut. The room and Alice were getting fuzzy and undefined. The dark times between my blinks were getting longer. I was being pulled back to reality. But before I lost sight of her I saw that reassuring smile slip just a bit and what I saw would never leave my mind again. That confident young woman, beautiful and charismatic ever since I saw her, changed. And in her place I saw the ever familiar person who was not so confident in herself. A person who was just a girl, alone and afraid, and maybe even a little sad. I saw myself and realized no matter how grown up I got, some insecurities would never truly go away. And between one blink and the next the darkness took over and I knew no more.
Once again I must apologize for the unbelievably long update time. What can I say, life hates me sometimes. But this note is for more than my normal outreach to my loyal readers. I just want to say that a couple of days ago the world lost a great man. A man who for decades portrayed someone a little wiser than himself and brought joy to millions. I speak of the late Leonard Nimoy. If you didn't catch it, I used one of his most famous quotes in this chapter. I myself never was a fan of Star Trek, but I can appreciate the series none the less. You will be missed Mr. Nimoy, no one could ever do Spock like you. Suck that Zachary Quinto. Well that's it for this time readers. Live long and prosper.