Zarbon Goes to Charm School, part 1
Sixteen year old Zarbon was watching TV about the Vietnam War, it was showing an image on TV of a monk setting himself on fire, Zarbon then turned the TV off, Kiwi came into the room, "Hey Zarbon guess what?" he said.
"What Kiwi?" he asked.
"You know that party we weren't invited to?" he asked.
"Which one the ball? The masquerade, Freezer won't let me go to the masquerade party until I'm twenty-one." Zarbon said.
Kiwi immediately changed the subject, "You know that one concubine of Freezer's that blew me off?" asked Kiwi.
"Yes what about her?" asked Zarbon.
"I want to get revenge on her!" Kiwi said.
"For blowing you off?" Zarbon asked.
"No it's a little more complicated than that. Just the other day I went into the cafeteria and she sent one of her friends over to give me a note to meet her in the garden at noon. Then when I got there I saw her making out with Dodoria and then she yelled, "Got yah!"" Kiwi said.
"That's horrible." Zarbon said.
"That's not the worst of it, she made Shasha take a picture of the look on my face and he made numerous copies and posted them all over the palace!" Kiwi said.
"Surely the look on your face wasn't so horrible." Zarbon said.
"Oh yes it was that bad." Kiwi said holding up a copy of the photo with the silliest surprise look on his face. Zarbon could not help but laugh.
"So what do I have to do with this?" asked Zarbon.
"You are going to help me get revenge! I helped you all those times whenever you wanted to get away from the palace and have a fun time like any normal teenager." Kiwi said.
"True that, but how in the world are we supposed to get revenge?" asked Zarbon.
"I don't know that's the problem, I came to you because you're a great military strategic and conspirator." Kiwi said sitting on the bed.
"But Kiwi I'm still in military school, you're the conspirator." Zarbon said.
"Yes but you're on summer break though." Kiwi said.
"True that, oh wait I have an idea, I was just watching the Vietnam War live on TV!" Zarbon said.
"So what?" Kiwi said.
"So we could use some firecrackers to get back at that bitch for doing that to you!" Zarbon said.
"Yes and all of her little friends!" Kiwi said.
"Not Alice, let's leave her alone, she's Apple's girlfriend." Zarbon said.
"Alice is the one who gave me the note you naïve prince!" Kiwi said.
"She did, that's terrible!" Zarbon said.
"Let's get those fireworks!" Kiwi said.
Later on Zarbon and Kiwi got those fireworks and snuck out into the huge garden where Freezer's prostitutes usually liked to talk on a nice day.
Verochka was a primal changeling like Zarbon, and she used to tease Zarbon and still did for that matter, but she was one of Cooler's top concubines. Antonya, a changeling like Freezer, was the one who was responsible for this whole mess.
Alice on the other hand was another changeling like Freezer, but she was kindhearted and did not want to be a concubine, but she did not have any choice in the matter. Apple was her only friend, perhaps her great love. "Guys I feel kind of awful for helping humiliate Kiwi," Alice said fanning herself.
"Don't feel badly, you did great." Antonya said chuckling.
"Yes and Zarbon is the next one that we'll target to humiliate." Verochka said still thinking that Zarbon had something for her.
Zarbon and Kiwi were hiding in the bushes, Zarbon was pissed off to hear this, "They should be in prison for saying something like that!" Zarbon said in a big whisper.
"Shut up you'll ruin the plan. Are you ready to light the firecrackers?" asked Kiwi.
"I suppose so, but why don't you do it?" asked Zarbon.
"Because I'm scared that I'm going to get blown up," Kiwi said.
"Come on this isn't the greatest plan; we can plan other ways to get back at them." Zarbon said.
"Give me those!" Kiwi said lighting the firecrackers and throwing them out right next to the concubines. "Come on let's get out of here!" Kiwi said grabbing Zarbon by the hand and leading him away.
They heard the firecrackers go off in the background and screams, they laughed their heads off when all the sudden Dodoria and Shasha came up to them, now Shasha the guy that took Kiwi's picture, was actually Zarbon's primal changeling trainer who taught him to transform and all of that, he was a ruthless, scared faced Russian accented person.
"Looks like we have trouble makers," Shasha said with his thick Russian, scratchy and voice, he then grabbed Zarbon before he had the chance to run away.
"Kiwi help me!" Zarbon said.
"Sorry I'll be going now!" Kiwi said running off fast.
"Come back here!" Dodoria said running after Kiwi.
"We'll see what Freezer has to say about this!" Shasha said.
Shasha took Zarbon to Freezer's office, Freezer did not look pleased with Zarbon, "But sir it was Kiwi's idea!" Zarbon said.
"You could have chosen to ignore him!" Freezer said.
"But he would have helped me in that situation too." Zarbon said.
"Yes that's why he abandoned you when Shasha grabbed you, like the coward he is." Freezer said laughing.
"I caught the other accomplice." Dodoria said bringing Kiwi into the room and throwing him down, Dodoria beat Kiwi up pretty badly.
"Kiwi is it true that it was your idea?" asked Freezer.
"Yah so what if it was, they had it coming!" Kiwi said coughing.
"Thanks to you, Antonya had to have stitches, Verochka almost had to have her foot amputated, and poor Alice, sweet girl, she's lucky that she ran away when she had the chance!" Freezer said.
"Thank God for that, Apple would never talk to me again if something were to happen to Alice." Zarbon said, and then he covered his mouth, he said too much.
"What does Apple have to do with Alice?" asked Freezer, who did not know that Alice and Apple were secretly dating.
"She's a dear friend to him and if anything were to happen to her he would have a cow." Zarbon said.
"Now for your punishment, Kiwi you are suspended for a month, therefore I'm going to exile you from the palace for a month, so you're going to have a rent an apartment, which will come out of your own bank account." Freezer said.
"Damn it!" Kiwi said.
"Isn't that a little harsh Freezer?" asked Zarbon.
"Don't make me send him to the chopping block!" Freezer said.
"Right," Zarbon said.
"As for your punishment Zarbon, for conspiracy and goody tushooness on a regular basis, I will send you to charm school for an entire summer so that you can learn to respect your peers and not act out against them in a vengeful way!" Freezer said.
"Damn it!" Zarbon said.
"I'm sending you to the "Auntie May School of Charm for Young Folks."" Freezer said.
"But sir that school is for girls, only the smartest snobbiest people go there!" Zarbon said.
"Not all girls go there, there are actually guys that go there too." Freezer said.
"It doesn't matter, that place has a bad reputation for making people snobby to the point of vanity!" Zarbon said.
"You need some high self esteem anyways!" Freezer said.
Just as Freezer ordered, Zarbon had to pack his bags and go to that damn charm school, owned by Auntie May, better known as Freezer's snobby aunt; she was the younger sister of King Cold and had a reputation of getting pissed off when someone made her in a way that did not suit her.
Zarbon found himself sitting on a chair surrounded by girls, just as he predicted, most of them were concubine trainees while others were from well off families or were of royal blood.
Most of them were of course Changelings like Freezer, second most species were Zarbon's species the primal changelings, in fact there was only one person that wasn't either one, that was Liya, Zarbon's ex who married someone else and had a daughter by him a couple of years ago. She was about the same age as he was and they went out with one another during childhood.
Hopefully she would not notice him, then matters turned for the worst when he saw Icey, Auntie May's thirteen-year-old daughter, who Freezer tried to marry Zarbon off to as a joke for his own amusement. Icey also had a case of Tourrests, which did not help matters.
Then Zarbon saw Dashanya or Dasha for short. He met her in military school when they were fourteen years old. She went out with him and she even wanted a baby with him, but he was going through some emotional issues still trying to get over Liya, still depressed about being an outcast in a family full of changelings and all that jazz. He then had a horrible mood swing when he purposely did not take his medicine and he knocked her out.
He had wronged all those girls in one way or another unintentionally; Zarbon just hoped that they did not notice him for the longest time; however, they would eventually notice him.
All the sudden Auntie May stepped out in front of Zarbon and all the girls and walked up to them, "Hello girls, I'm Freezer's Aunt May, I have owned this school for almost four hundred years! You are all here because you are the dirtiest, most stupid and most horrible creatures to walk the face of planet Freezer!" she yelled.
"That's not a very nice thing to say," Zarbon thought.
"Therefore I'm going to change you from ugly ducklings to young beauties! From rude peasants to charming swashbucklers! From Jan Brady to Marsha Brady!" Aunt May went on.
Zarbon was getting board already, Auntie May was rambling on about what she would transform everyone into, "What a waste of time." He thought.
All the sudden when Auntie May finished, she looked at Zarbon, "Oh I see we have a young male in our mists ladies!" She said pointing her horsewhip towards Zarbon.
"Hello Great Auntie May." Zarbon said smiling a rather cheesy smile.
"I knew Freezer would come to his senses, you have been nothing but trouble since the day he adopted you!" Auntie May said.
"What do you mean I'm trouble?" asked Zarbon.
"You stick your nose into everyone's business, you bicker about the atrocities that Freezer causes and you whine about transforming!" Auntie May said crashing her whip onto the floor so everyone jumped.
"How does that make me a horrible person?" asked Zarbon.
"Silence cretin!" She then went up to him and whipped his hand.
"Ouch what did you do that for?" asked Zarbon.
"Don't make me box your ears little girl!" She yelled.
"But Great Auntie May, you know very well that I'm not a girl." Zarbon said, she smacked him on the hands once again with her whip, "Stop it!' he said.
"Now moving on, I have set up dormitories for each girl to stay in, there are twelve of you so four girls per room! I am now going to put a list on the wall of whom you get to room with, that is all!" she then went over to the door and posted the list and walked out of the room. All the girls then went over to door see with whom they would be rooming.
Zarbon didn't want to be noticed, so he waited, which didn't last long, Liya all the sudden walked up to him, "Liya what are you doing here?" he asked.
"My husband said that I'm outspoken and that I need to come here to learn some manners, besides the list said that I'm rooming with you." Liya said.
Icey walked over to Zarbon, "Zarbon is this some kind of joke?" she asked.
"What are you talking about Icey?" asked Zarbon.
"You are rooming with me!" She said.
"You too?" asked Zarbon surprised.
Dasha came over too, "This is some kind of trick for you to win me back isn't it?" asked Dasha.
"Let me guess you are rooming with us too?" asked Zarbon.
"Sadly yes," Dasha said.
"Icey do I have to ask why you're here?" asked Zarbon.
"Because mum said that I have to learn to keep my mouth shut when I'm supposed to." She said.
"But you have Tourette you can't help that." Zarbon said.
"That didn't stop her from sending me to her charm school." She said.
"I'm surprised to see you here too Dasha." Zarbon said.
"Yes me too, but my parents sent me to keep me out of trouble." Dasha said.
"Trouble?" asked Zarbon.
"Yes since you wouldn't impregnate me, I fucked another primal changeling, he got me pregnant and I had to have three abortions." She said.
"Good lord you know that abortion is illegal right?" asked Zarbon.
"Yes but that didn't stop my parents from forcing me to get them." Dasha said.
"You tried to impregnate someone, that's so below you!" Icey said crossing her arms.
"No she was the one that wanted a baby; I only wanted to be with her like normal teenagers do." Zarbon said.
"Let me tell you something about normal teenagers, normal teenagers go out and have sex behind their parent's back, normal teenagers drink beer like they're supposed to, and normal teenagers get pregnant so they can be loved!" Dasha said.
"This couldn't get any worse." Zarbon said.
Zarbon was wrong about that, there was a welcome dinner and Zarbon was assigned to sit with those three girls, it was so awkward and he didn't know what to say, "So how has everyone's day been?" asked Zarbon wanting to break the ice.
"All right I suppose." Liya said looking down.
"Uh it's been utterly crappy!" Icey said.
"Don't ask," Dasha said.
"Well this isn't a very nice dinner conversation; I say we talk about politics!" Zarbon said.
"Oh please no, politics give me a headache, besides its not ladylike." Icey said.
"How about sports?" asked Zarbon.
"I hate sports!" Liya said.
"But Liya you're a ballerina." Zarbon said.
"Dancing is considered a form of art, not a sport." Liya said.
"Will somebody please say something?" asked Zarbon.
"I'll say something, how come you don't want to be my baby's daddy?" asked Dasha.
Zarbon's eyes grew wide, "Dasha, you only wanted a baby with me, you weren't looking for a relationship at all, and now that I'm older and wiser I realize that." Zarbon said.
"What do you mean older and wiser? You're only sixteen." Icey said.
"Yes but I'm told that I'm mature for my age." Zarbon said.
"Oh bloody Hell! Could someone give me a glass of wine, I'm so fricken depressed!" Liya said.
"I'm not allowed to drink, my mum said so." Icey said.
"Nothing personal but your mum is mean." Zarbon said.
"She's not mean; she's just strict is all!" Icey said.
"She seems to be a very negative person that's for sure." Dasha said.
All the sudden, Auntie May came out into the dining room dressed up elegantly and went up to the podium, "All right girls, and Zarbon, I would like each of you to come up and tell me a reason why you are here and what you hope to learn from me?" asked Auntie May.
All the girls pretty much told their reasons, except for Zarbon and his group, they were up next Liya went up to the podium, "Well my husband doesn't like it when I speak my mind, he's quite controlling if you must know the truth." Liya said.
"Sit down Liya, you disappoint me!" yelled Auntie May.
Liya frowned and went back to her seat, "Stupid woman." She thought to herself.
Icey went up next, "My mum thought that I needed to make new friends and learn to act like a dignified young lady…" Auntie May interrupted Icey.
"That's young woman Icey, what are you a sexist?" asked Auntie May.
"I'm sorry mum, I don't comprehend," Icey said sweating.
"The word lady is sexist according to the manner book!" Auntie May said.
"What manner book mum?" asked Icey.
"Sit down before I send you to special Ed!" Auntie May said.
"Oh dear not that!" Icey said running to her seat.
Dasha went up to the podium, "My name is Dasha and I am here because I was causing trouble for my parents." She said.
"What kind of trouble?" asked Auntie May.
"Why do I have to tell you?" asked Dasha.
"Say so or else I'll box your ears!" Auntie May yelled cracking her horsewhip.
"Yes headmisteress, I got pregnant a few times and had a lot of miscarriages, there is that specific enough for you?" asked Dasha.
"Oh a little slut are you, sit down!" Auntie May said cracking her whip, Dasha was in tears when she went back to her seat, Zarbon almost felt sorry for her.
Zarbon went up to the podium next, "Hello my name is Zarbon, and as some of you already know I am the heir to Freezer's empire, he is my adopted father and I am also a slave and…" Auntie May interrupted.
"Stop stammering and tell us why you are here!" she yelled.
"Oh all right, Jesus! I was causing trouble for Freezer and he thought I could use some schooling in manners." Zarbon said.
"No that's not what I mean, be more specific!" Auntie May said.
"I watched too much television, ate too many sweets when I was younger, I was considerably lazy as a young child and…" Auntie May interrupted again.
"No I mean why were you sent here?" asked Auntie May.
"There isn't a specific reason all right!" Zarbon got so mad that he picked up the podium and threw it across the room.
Zarbon ended up in the office of the headmaster of the school, that being Auntie May of course, "So would you like to tell me why you threw that expensive podium across the room?" asked Auntie May.
"Let's see sometimes I have horrible mood swings, I go from being manic to being very depressed, but sometimes when I'm manic I get pissed off and try to hurt people." Zarbon said.
"Shall we tell Freezer that you're not taking your medicine like you should be?" asked Auntie May.
"I'd rather not if that's all right." Zarbon said.
"Go to your dormitory and stay there until the first break of light!"
Zarbon went to his dormitory and slammed the door shut, "What's the matter Zarbon?" asked Icey.
"We need to go out and have fun!" Zarbon said.
"But Zarbon this is your first day we can't just skip out on activities of charm school, it's very important if we want to be considered ladies." Icey said.
"I'm not a lady, I'm a man!" Zarbon said.
"Please you're only sixteen, you're only biologically a man, and you still have some immaturity about you." Liya said.
"Ok fine, here's the deal, unless you're having fun with this charm school then come to me when you're ready to have some real fun!" Zarbon said.
Next day, the girls had to learn to walk right, Zarbon of course made up the excuse that he was sick so he did not have to walk like a sissy, "Stand up straight and walk like you're at the top of the world." Auntie May said to Icey. Icey stood up straight, "Your tail is on the floor, we don't drag our tails on the floor!" Auntie May said.
"But mum, I don't use it very much; I get the feeling that evolution didn't give us much of a reason to have a tail…" Auntie May then interrupted.
"Don't drag your tail on the floor, plain and simple! Start walking like a lady!" Auntie May said.
Icey then started walking trying to keep her tail from dragging onto the ground then she farted by mistake, she then blushed, "What was that?" asked Auntie May.
"Uh my tail accidently fell to the floor mum." Icey said.
Later on in the evening, they had to set the table right, although Liya mastered the walking across the room right, she was having trouble distinguishing from the forks, "Excuse me Auntie May, which fork is the salad fork and which fork is the stake fork?" she asked.
"Are you stupid cretin?" She then whipped Liya with her horsewhip.
"Ouch that wasn't a nice thing to do!" Liya said getting pissed off at Auntie May.
"If you set your silverware right then maybe I wouldn't have to do that now would I?" Auntie May said.
Then there was that speech class, Dasha was having so-called trouble with that, "I am happy to see you Mr. Mastoffelees'." She said.
"That's Mr. Mistoffelees dumbass, there are no A's in the word, why would you pronounce it like an A?" asked Auntie May.
"Sorry it sounded like you were saying Mastoffelees." Dasha said.
"It's Mr. Mistoffelees, get it right you deaf dumb person!" Auntie May said.
Zarbon took a class on topics, "I'm going to show you some flashcards and you read them aloud to me ok?" asked Auntie May.
"Yes Auntie May." Zarbon said.
"First card," Auntie May said showing him an index card with a sentence on it.
"Did you hear that in Congo they're shooting political prisoners…?" All the sudden Auntie May interrupted.
"No, next card!" She said.
"But I didn't even finish the last one." Zarbon said, as she switched the index card to another index card with a different sentence. "Did you hear that Mao Zedong is killing a lot of innocent people because he wants to take over Tibet…?" Zarbon read on the card.
"Stop, stop, stop!" Auntie May said.
"What is the meaning of this, I did exactly what you asked me to, now why do you keep on interrupting me whenever I read the card?" asked Zarbon.
"You'll find out soon enough! Next card!" she said showing him a different index card.
"I know a great hairstylelist that you can go to, to help you out with that hair style." Zarbon said.
"Very good," She said switching the cards.
"Are you familiar with the word education?" asked Zarbon.
"Very good," Auntie May switched some more cards.
"The government is doing a horrible job of providing support for our poor people…" Auntie May interrupted.
"No cretin!" she yelled.
"What did I do?" Zarbon yelled.
Over the next months Zarbon was getting much better at this charm stuff and so were his friends, then they graduated and Zarbon was allowed to come back early, since he graduated early. Something changed about him though, he looked better looking, he started brushing his hair more, it is as if he transformed from an ugly duckling into a beautiful swan.
There was an issue with that, he started growing his hair longer and he rather walked like a girl. The low-level solders including Dodoria and Shasha were making fun of Zarbon behind his back. Then there was the issue of Zarbon going up and saying hello to people, he was just naturally friendly and naïve and the low level solders mistaken Zarbon's kindness for hitting on them.
Freezer allowed Kiwi to come back, but he was worried about what that charm school had done to his friend. "Zarbon can I ask you something?" asked Kiwi.
"Yes what is it?" asked Zarbon.
"Are you developing a preference for the male sex only?" asked Kiwi.
"No why?" asked Zarbon.
"Because, well I don't want to sound like a cruel sadist, but a lot of the solders have been laughing at you behind your back, they're also afraid that you're going to hit on them." Kiwi said.
"That's the silliest thing I've ever heard! Oh so because I'm more educated than them makes me a gay person! I'm still bi, if anything I think I'm even more focused on trying to get girls to talk to me, now that I've been to charm school." Zarbon said.
"I hate to say this, but no girl wants to go out with a sissy!" Kiwi said.
"How would you know anything about being a royal prince?" asked Zarbon.
"Mister I don't like your attitude, this place that you went to has really turned you into a sissy snob!" Kiwi said.
"Just get out ok?" asked Zarbon pushing Kiwi.
"You are turning from a kind person into the biggest jerk in the world!" Kiwi said walking out of Zarbon's room.
Later on Zarbon sat down with Apple and Alice at lunchtime, "How did charm school go?" asked Apple.
"It was horrible at first, but I think it turned me into a gentleman and not like the savage that I used to be." Zarbon said.
"What do you mean used to be? You never were a savage, what gives you the idea that you ever were one to begin with?" asked Apple.
"Savages or peasants speak their minds, talk politics to one another and they look like they buy their cloths from G-Mart." Zarbon said.
"Well I guess I'm not elegant enough for you then." Apple said taking his lunch and walking out of the cafeteria.
"What did I do?" asked Zarbon.
"Apple can't afford nice cloths like you can, he even has to buy his cloths from G-Mart." Alice said.
"I thought Freezer provided him nice cloths." Zarbon said.
"No not really, he does have a formal uniform in case he's invited to a party, but other than that he doesn't get nice cloths like you do, he's not royalty." Alice said.
"Maybe I should convince Freezer to give him nice cloths, or he could borrow mine if he would like." Zarbon said.
"I appreciate your offer, but this conversation is over." Alice then walked off.
Poor Zarbon was clueless about how he was hurting his friends, so he went over to the prostitute table with Antonya and Verochka, "Mind if I sit with you ladies?" asked Zarbon.
"Don't mind if you do," Verochka said fanning herself.
"Why do you have to have sex just to afford good money? Why doesn't Freezer or Cooler give you money out of the kindness of their hearts?" asked Zarbon.
Verochka and Antonya thought this was a joke that he was making and they laughed, "Are you serious? Do you realize that I was sent by my mother at a young age to have sex with Freezer so that I could buy some food?" Verochka asked.
"But doesn't he give you nice clothing anyways?" asked Zarbon.
"Only if we fuck him good enough, other than that I can't afford nice clothing, I have to have sex with Freezer or Cooler good enough so they can buy me nice clothing." Antonya said.
"But I thought you two were rich, Freezer gives me money to buy nice clothing." Zarbon said.
"You're the heir to Freezer's throne, of course he gives you money to buy your cloths, and we have to buy our food from G-Mart and other stuff unless Freezer and Cooler give them to us." Verochka said.
"Ew you go to G-Mart, Auntie May said that G-Mart is where peasants go to buy their food and clothing." Zarbon said.
Verochka and Antonya looked at one another baffled, was he seriously that stupid? "I don't know if it was the same charm school that I went to, but it sounds like you came out of a school for bigots!" Verochka said.
"Come on Verochka the sun isn't going to darken our skin if we stay in here." Antonya and Verochka left the table.
"Something strange is going on." Zarbon thought to himself completely clueless about how much of a bigot Auntie May was.
Meanwhile Kiwi and Apple were together in Apple's room, "Something is wrong with Zarbon, he's not acting manly like he used to, he's acting like a retarded sissy!" Kiwi said.
"Why do I care, he offended me, saying that G-Mart is for peasants." Apple said.
"That's the problem, Zarbon was completely sheltered from the real world, he knows how horrible of a person Freezer is, but he doesn't know what it's like for us solders who aren't of royal blood." Kiwi said.
"Should we teach him a lesson; I think the best way to handle this is not talk to him at all." Apple said.
"No it's that charm school that's the problem! He went into it normal prince and then came out as a snob who looks and acts more like a primadanna." Kiwi said.
"What are we going to do?" asked Apple.
"We're going to have to teach the person who did this to Zarbon a lesson; he would help us out, besides I owe him for running off like that." Kiwi said.
"Let's do it!" Apple said.
Apple and Kiwi started plotting so that they could get back at Auntie May.
End of Part 1