Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight and its characters. No copyright infringement is intended.
Chapter Seven
From the previous chapter:
"Edward," I gasped, "I have to ask you something else before I lose my nerve."
"Ask me anything," he mumbled, his mouth now moving over my throat.
"I asked Alice, but she told me to ask you," I managed as his tongue swept over my collarbone.
"Yes?"
"I want…I want you to tell me about becoming a vampire."
For an eternity, Edward was frozen into stillness above me, his lips motionless at the base of my neck where they'd come to rest at my last words. After a moment I lifted my hands to run gently down his back, and although we didn't have eye contact, I began thinking about some of the things that had occurred to me over the past few days. His vastly superior physical strength. His almost obsessive concern with my safety. His aging frozen by the nature of his being, leaving him forever youthful. In sharp contrast was my fragile physical body, my mortality, my steady progression in age. And although we actually looked the same age at the moment, I knew as the years ticked by the disparity between us would become more glaringly obvious until my humanity finally caught up with me in the form of my death…whether it be from old age in seventy years, or in a car accident tomorrow.
As those thoughts passed through my mind, a shudder went through him and I knew he must have heard at least some of it. He lifted himself slightly to meet my gaze, and the pain in his beautiful golden eyes made my heart ache.
"Bella," he whispered, his voice cracking slightly, "Why are you asking me this now?"
I reached up to touch his marble cheek. "Before I talked to Alice today, I was under the impression that a human had to be already dying to become like you. Part of me immediately assumed, or rather hoped, that you would be willing to change me when that time came for me. I asked Alice the…mechanics of it all…and the little that she told me made me realize we wouldn't have to wait for that."
"Why?" he rasped out. "Why would you want me to do that to you?"
"Can I ask you something?"
He sighed and lay down on his side next to me, gathering my body against his so that my back was against his chest. "Of course, you can ask me anything."
"I just want to ask you the same thing I asked Alice earlier. Are you happy?"
"I am happy with you? Unquestionably."
"No, I mean…are you happy being a vampire?" My question which had sounded so easy and natural with Alice now sounded silly and trite. There was a long pause before he replied.
"If you had asked me that two years ago, my answer would have been no. And even now, I wish I was human again so that I could give you all the things you deserve, all the things I can't as a vampire."
"Like what?"
"A family, a normal life, the satisfaction of growing old together. The absence of worrying about inadvertently hurting you physically."
"But if you could have the best of both worlds, to give me all that while remaining a vampire, would you chose it?"
He was silent for a very long time and I forced myself to be patient, running my fingers over the arm he had clasped around me.
"I suppose so, yes. There are things that are difficult about being one of our kind, especially with the lifestyle we've chosen. But there is so much to it that I enjoy and am accustomed, it would be difficult in many ways to revert back to being a human."
A book I'd read in high school, Flowers for Algernon, flashed briefly through my mind.
"Now that I have you though, Bella, I enjoy this life more. You have fulfilled me in a way I never could have imagined possible. I feel that I am a better person for having earned your love. For the first time I am content with what I am, because you love me as I am. And if you love me as I am, then I can't possibly be a monster."
"I do," I said softly. "I love you exactly as you are, but I would love you no matter what kind of man you were. Immortal or not."
There was another short pause before Edward spoke again. "Why are you asking me all of this, Bella?"
I swallowed hard, calling on all my courage. "I have a few reasons, although they're a little jumbled right now. One is that I am mortal. I could die of a heart attack right now in your arms. I could die of cancer, I could be hit by a car crossing the street. There is nothing you could do to prevent any of those things from happening, and I don't want you spending your life…my life…trying to keep me alive. Another reason is I want us to be equal. I don't want you to hold yourself back when you love me, or when you touch me. I want you to be able to hold me as tight as you can without worrying about crushing me, I don't want you to have to be constantly mindful of hurting me, especially since I know what it would do to you if something did accidentally happen."
Another slight shudder ran through his body, pressed tightly against mine.
"And I guess my last reason is my most selfish…I want to be with you forever. You have forever, I have a fixed lifetime…whatever that may be. The idea that the option of being with you forever is available…I can't imagine not asking you for that. Even if I did die tomorrow I would be grateful for these few days we've had together. To some extent, I don't know what I've done that's good enough in my life to even deserve such a wonderful eternity. But if you have a good reason for saying no to that, I really do want to hear it."
"Bella," his voice broke, "You don't know what you're asking for."
I squirmed around until I was facing him, kissed his stone lips and then settled down to tuck my head under his chin. "No, I don't. Alice wouldn't tell me, which is why I'm asking you now."
"What exactly do you want me to tell you?"
"To begin with…do you understand my reasons for asking you to change me?"
He sighed again and stroked my hair gently. "Based on the knowledge you do have, yes, I understand why you're asking. Were our positions reversed, I don't doubt I would have the same thought process, and ask the same thing."
I relaxed a little. "I want you to tell me everything, then. Tell me the process, tell me the details, tell me everything."
"I can't believe we're having this conversation," he muttered.
"Please?"
"It's not pretty or elegant, Bella."
"That's exactly why I want you to tell me everything," I whispered against his throat. "I don't want the abridged version of this."
"Yes," he said softly, then exhaled. "But before I start, I want you to know why I asked my family not to tell you anything. I assume Alice at least mentioned that?" I nodded. "None of my family, myself included, chose this life. The decision was made for each of us by someone else. Esme, Emmett, Rosalie, and I all would have died, had the decision not been made by someone else to change us. Carlisle and Jasper were both attacked in the prime of their human lives. It's impossible to know whether fate intended us to live our human lives until our inevitable deaths, or whether fate intended us to live this new, different life. Regardless, you need only ask Rosalie to know she wishes she had died alone in the street rather than spend eternity this way, even with Emmett by her side.
"I know that you honestly thought that the change could only be made just before death, and part of me was content to allow you to believe that. And you are right, had your death become imminent, whether tomorrow or decades from now, I would have changed you then, if that was your wish. But the idea of taking your human life away from you now, when you are such a beautiful, vibrant, glowing creature…it seemed to me to be on par with smashing a priceless sculpture or destroying any other invaluable work of art. I didn't want my family planting that seed in your head."
A cold feeling began to twist in my heart, settling heavily in my stomach, but I remained silent.
"You want to know the mechanics of how it takes place? Our bodies produce venom, and it is injected into a human by way of a bite. It is nothing like the erotic metaphor for sex that movies would have you believe, Bella. We don't have delicate needle-like fangs that are precisely inserted into your jugular. It is a bite, with razor-sharp teeth, that tears your skin, your flesh, your vein. The venom then heals the wound to prevent hemorrhaging, and seals the venom inside your vein. And then the pain begins.
"I cannot imagine there is any other pain in the world a human being can endure that can compare to the hell that is your body changing. Every single cell in your body dies, Bella, and you can feel each and every one. Your flesh and bones burn as though you're being dipped one millimeter at a time into a vat of acid. The pain only increases as the change progresses, you never become accustomed to it and you can't get away from it. In the meantime your organs are desperately trying to fight it off, your lungs feel as though they're being encased in concrete so you can't breathe, and your heart desperately tries to keep beating through the poison that runs through your veins. And you are aware of it for every single excruciating moment. There is no sleep, there is no escape. It normally takes three days, but they feel like an eternity that seems to have no end, one that has lasted so long you don't remember when it began."
I was shivering now at the horror of his words, but not from fear or dread for myself. The detail in which he described it told me that he remembered his own change very clearly, and the idea of Edward enduring such torture made me feel physically ill. Without releasing his hold on me, he pulled the bed's comforter over my body, tucking it securely around me, then pulled me back against his chest. "Are you sure you want me to go on?"
"Yes." I made that one word as resolute as I possibly could.
"When you awake, it is very disorienting. Imagine all of your senses amplified to the point that it seems you almost can't process them all at once. Sounds, sights, smells, all of them whirling around you in such detail that you would be completely overwhelmed, except for the fact that your brain can now deal with them all simultaneously. Your human memories are very vague if you remember them at all. It is both terrifying and exhilarating.
"The newborn experience is different for everyone. Carlisle evidently had the most restraint of any of us, of course. Esme was somewhat restrained, and Rosalie even more so. Emmett, on the other hand, was a handful for quite some time. The only constant amongst all newborns is the overwhelming and uncontrollable desire for blood. Call it survival instinct, I suppose…we all awaken with a burn in our throats that can only be tempered by that one thing."
"How long does it take to go away?" I asked softly.
"It never does, love. Just as your stomach growls when you're hungry, just as you grow weak if you don't eat. After days of starvation, you would gladly devour rotten food, just to get sustenance. It's the same for us, if we don't hunt then our control can slip and we will take nourishment from wherever we can, although human blood always calls to us most strongly. Controlling exactly where and what you get the blood from is an exercise in restraint that can take a long time to master, but again, everyone is different."
"What about after that? After the newborn stage?"
He nuzzled his lips along the top of my head. "Vampires are all as unique as humans. Some of us choose the more traditional diet and live as nomads, not bothering to try and blend in except when it comes to getting close enough to humans to prey on them. And then there are some like us that find adhering to a non-human diet makes us calmer, happier, more fulfilled. Remembering that we too were once human helps to keep us from giving into the temptation. During those years when I was playing God, preying on the dregs of society, I was more depressed and hateful than I ever was otherwise. And now, to know that controlling those urges allows me to have you…the thought of human blood is almost revolting to me now. I like to think I'm becoming more like Carlisle in that respect."
I lay quietly for a time, thinking over everything he'd said. His hand never stopped stroking my hair, and from time to time he would place a gentle kiss on my head.
"You're so relaxed now, I can hear you fairly clearly, love." His voice was heavy with emotion. "I'm amazed you aren't horrified, or disgusted."
"Nothing about you disgusts me, you should know that," I said slowly. "You told me honest facts and details and I'm grateful for that. But it doesn't change the way I feel."
"You want forever." It wasn't a question.
"Don't you?"
"Bella…" Desperation tinged his voice now. "After everything I just told you…"
My throat tightened and for the first time I felt rejection from the man who'd sworn to give me everything. The pain of it stung my heart unbearably and I blinked rapidly to keep the tears at bay. "You don't want to change me?"
"Love," he moaned, and in a moment he'd flipped me onto my back and was hovering over me. "How can you doubt that?"
I blinked at him, unsure what he meant. "Wait…what are you saying?"
Anger flashed across his features. "Of course I want you forever, I want it with every fiber in my being. But to ask you to die for me, to give up your life here for me, to throw away every beautiful human thing about you…it makes me sick that I want it so badly! I can accept that I'm a selfish creature, but that I'm selfish enough to want you to ask me to change you…I hate myself for that, Bella!"
"Noooo…" I breathed, winding my fingers into his messy bronze hair and pulling his tormented face down to mine, kissing him frantically. After a moment the granite of his lips softened and he was kissing me back, gently at first, then with a fierceness that matched my own need to reassure him, to communicate to him what I truly wanted.
"Please, please," I whimpered as his lips slid down my jaw. "Please just give me that, please let me stay with you forever. I've already lost so much, I can't stand the thought of losing you too, or of you losing me, I need to be with you. Please, I…" I sucked in a long shuddering breath, aware that I was babbling, but unable to phrase my thoughts any more coherently. "Do you want me to beg? I will, please Edward just tell me…"
He growled low in his throat. "I don't want you to ever beg, Bella."
"What do I have to say, Edward? Tell me!"
"I just need to hear you say it, look at me and say it."
Immediately I moved my hands to his shoulders and pushed, he rose off of me just far enough that his black eyes could bore into mine.
"Please Edward, make me yours. I want you to change me, I want to be your wife, your lover, your mate eternally. There is nothing else in the world I want more than that."
He growled again, and for the first time I saw on his face something other than love, lust, or the beautiful expression that just was the Edward I knew. For the first time I saw on his face a proprietary hunger, one of a predator claiming its mate, staking his claim and yearning to mark me as his. Hesitantly I let one hand come up and cup his face, his jaw clenched even tighter at the burning contact.
"I trust you," I whispered. Then I shut my eyes.
Long seconds ticked by, measured by my rapid heartbeat, as I felt his cool breath hit my face in short pants. Neither of us moved until suddenly there was the slightest bounce to the mattress, my eyes snapped open to see him standing by the glass balcony doors, his eyes burning into mine from across the room.
"Stay here…I need…" With that he flicked the glass door open and was gone.
I stayed frozen in the bed for a moment, then slowly got up and went over to the door he'd left open. The cold November air made me shiver but I peeked out into the alley below. There was no sign of him, not that I expected there to be. I went back inside and shut the door behind me, not bothering to lock it. Somewhere in the other room my cell phone began ringing, and I drifted in to see it glowing on its charger. The name on the caller ID was Alice, but I didn't answer it.
Still moving in slow motion and settled in a deep calm, I gathered up and tossed a load of laundry into the tiny washer that hid in my hall closet, a rare amenity in an apartment my size. When the wash cycle ended, I put them in the adjoining dryer. I double-checked my day planner to make sure I didn't have any assignments due for my one class tomorrow. I sat down and typed out my regular weekly e-mail to Renee, giving her the G-rated version of my weekend and conversation with Jake. I made a to-do list for the next day, including giving notice to my landlord and visiting the bank to close out all my accounts. I made a sandwich and munched it slowly while watching the evening news. I dumped all the refuse from the garbage cans into the kitchen bin, tied off the bag, and took it downstairs and outside into the dumpster.
I showered and then changed for bed, into a tank top and a faded pair of cotton shorts, both soft and worn thin by age. The clock said it was only seven and I was vaguely surprised that it was still so early, but I was tired and curled up into bed anyway. I dozed and drifted dreamlessly until I felt his familiar cool arms slip around me from behind.
"I'm sorry, love." His whisper tickled my ear, barely audible even in the deep silence of the room.
"S'okay," I murmured sleepily. "I wasn't worried."
He pulled me deeper into the curve of his body. "I had to go hunt, I was ready to take you then."
"I know."
"I think I decimated an entire herd of deer." His lips brushed over my earlobe and I couldn't help but giggle faintly.
"Poor deer."
"They never saw me coming," he agreed, wrapping his arms more securely around me.
The dark and the silence settled on us again until I turned my head just enough to rub my lips over his cheek. "I love you."
"And I love you. Bella…are you sure…"
"Yes." I spoke firmly, still sleepy but resolute.
He shuddered behind me. "I was ready to…"
"I know."
There was more silence before he spoke again. "Hearing you say that…it did something to me. I want you so badly, even though I know I have you, it's tearing me apart inside."
"I don't like to think of you being in pain." I shifted slightly against him, feeling his arousal against my backside.
"I couldn't just do it then, though." His whisper was ragged. "I want you to go into this with your eyes open, I want you to have made the choice and planned for it in the way none of us had the opportunity to."
"I understand."
"And you still want…"
"More than anything. I want you, and there is no other choice in my mind or in my life than being with you forever."
He groaned and pressed his face into my hair. "Bella…my Bella…"
I turned to him then, my movements still heavy with sleep. "Make love to me, Edward."
He did, and so much like that first night, I felt as though I'd been drugged. Everything seemed to move with the most exquisite slowness, allowing me to feel every inch of his skin slipping over mine, the unrelenting rigidity of his erection pushing deeply into me, pulling the first of many orgasms from my burning body. He came too, in response to the contractions around him, but was almost immediately hard again, and began an unhurried thrusting into the deepest part of me. Everything began to pool and blur together: the moonlight spilling across my pillow, refracting off his black eyes as he bent over me; his tongue as it traced my lips and then delved deeper; his pants and my muted gasps as we moved in perfect synchronization; his words as he whispered, then moaned, then cried out to me, and the words of love that echoed from my heart and up into my eyes, where only he could hear them.
***
The next morning I awoke slowly, much like the day before, but still in a haze of pleasure that had accompanied me into sleep late the night before. Edward's arms were wrapped snugly around me, his lips against my neck.
"I am not going to class today," I slurred sleepily.
He chuckled. "I thought we already had this discussion."
I yawned and turned to face him, snuggling closer to his hard body, rubbing my nose up and down his neck. "I mean it this time. I plan on having plenty of time to repeat my freshman year."
He was silent for a moment. "You don't regret…you haven't changed your mind…"
"No." My words were firm even as I rolled onto my back and gazed at the ceiling. "You know that old cliché, about today being the first day of the rest of your life? That's exactly how I feel right now."
His hand ran gently down my ribcage and over my stomach. "If I couldn't read your mind right now, I'd be a little more apprehensive, I have to admit. But I can sense how you feel about this. As if…"
"As if there's no other option," I finished softly, placing my hand over his. "I mean, I know technically, there is, but…" I paused for a moment and then giggled softly. "You want to know what keeps running through my head right now?"
"Always, love."
"That song from The Sound of Music, the one that Maria and the Captain sing. 'Something Good.' They certainly didn't consider her going back to just being the nanny after the realization that they were in love."
"Of the two of us, those lyrics more appropriately apply to me, don't you think?" he objected.
"Yes, but you're missing the importance of the turning point in the film. From that moment on, they knew their destinies lay together. There was no turning back, only moving forward in the natural progression of their lives together."
His soft laugh warmed me. "Only you, my dearest, could reference show tunes as a testament to your love for me."
I poked his hard chest. "I was referring to how I felt, you conceited vampire. I'm sure I could come up with better quotes referring to you."
He cocked an eyebrow. "Let's hear them."
I smiled slyly. Apparently Edward was at least somewhat unaware of my penchant for classic love poetry.
"I have no life but this,
To lead it here;
Nor any death, but lest
Dispelled from there;
Nor tie to earths to come,
Nor action new,
Except through this extent,
The realm of you!"
"Dickinson," he replied immediately. "My turn?"
"By all means," I countered, feeling my spirit rise to the challenge. He pressed his lips against my ear.
"Oh, lift me from the grass!
I die! I faint! I fail!
Let thy love in kisses rain
On my lips and eyelids pale.
My cheek is cold and white, alas!
My heart beats loud and fast-
Oh! press it close to thine own again,
Where it will break at last!"
I narrowed my eyes at him. "Shelley. Perfect vampire memory or no, are you sure you want to challenge me on this, Edward?"
His smirk was my answer, and I thought very deliberately for a moment before responding.
"Some say the world will end in fire,
Some say in ice.
From what I've tasted of desire
I hold with those who favor fire."
He stared at me, dumbfounded for a moment. "I have to admit, I've never heard Robert Frost used in reference to a vampire's change."
I shrugged as much as I was able with his arms wrapped around me. "I thought it was appropriate."
He burrowed his face into my hair. "There's nothing romantic about the actual change, Bella."
"You've made that perfectly clear," I replied as lightly as I could. "It doesn't change anything. I'm not looking forward to that part, I'm dreading it. But if you went through it, then so can I."
"I don't like to think of you in that much pain," he said, so softly I almost didn't hear him.
"Neither do I. But is it necessary? It seems so."
"It's not necessary," he replied heatedly.
"I say it is." I pulled him closer to me and he sighed against my neck. "When?"
"Is there a hurry?" he mumbled.
"Not a hurry, exactly, just…no real reason to wait." I could almost hear the wheels turning in his brain as he tried to think of a reason to delay. "I thought you said you wanted this."
"I do but…it's wrong of me to want it so much."
"Why?" I pushed him away so that I could look into his beautiful face. "Why is it so wrong if it's what I want too?"
"You don't know exactly what it is you're asking for," was his immediate reply.
I sighed, suddenly very tired of this argument. "You've made that clear too. Regardless, this is my choice, and I've made it. Now it's up to you. Will you change me or do I have to look elsewhere?"
He quickly propped himself up on one elbow. "What do you mean?"
"If you won't do it, I'll ask Carlisle."
He growled slightly. "No you won't."
"Yes I will," I countered evenly.
His hands were suddenly on my shoulders, pushing me into the mattress. "I will be the only one to do that, Bella. No one but me."
"Then tell me when!" I snapped. He stared down at me, the frustration in his face melting slowly away.
"The end of the semester, just as we'd planned originally."
"Why the wait?" I couldn't help but squirm against his hips which were now pinning me against the mattress.
"These things ideally take planning, Isabella." His voice lowered as I continued wriggling under him. "We can't stay here, so that will give you time to tie up your loose ends, so to speak."
"I can do that in a week," I replied stubbornly.
"Yes, but my family will need to do so as well, and that will take more than a week."
I ceased my movements against him, surprised. "We aren't going to Ithaca, then?"
"We certainly can, if you like. But we don't know what your first year or two will be like and I'm afraid to do it on my own." His frank admission silenced me. "Are you opposed to living with my family for a while, at first?"
"No, not at all." In truth, the thought of all the Cullens supporting me through what Edward kept insisting would be the most traumatic year of my life was very appealing. Alice's gift of foresight and Emmett's brute strength especially.
"We'll talk to Carlisle this weekend, then," he promised, kissing my eyebrows and then over my eyelids as I shut them. I relaxed and enjoyed his cool lips moving over my face, feeling absolutely no guilt about skipping my class that day.
"Are you sure you don't want to go?" he queried, pausing in his slow exploration of my face.
"Not today." I licked quickly at the lips that had stopped moving. "I've never skipped class before, I don't think this one time will kill me."
He moaned his approval and resumed his leisurely journey over the planes of my skin, nibbling with his lips along my chin. It brought to mind another question.
"Edward…can you do it?"
"What do you mean?" His voice was muffled as he gently licked and sucked at the pulse point in my neck.
"You said before…that the thought of human blood disgusted you."
"It disgusts me only in that I've conditioned myself to associate it with you being hurt or injured in some way. I'm sure that when the time comes, I'll be more than able to tolerate your blood just long enough to transfer enough venom for the change. Although I think it prudent if Carlisle were nearby, just in case."
Such a chance to take, I thought to myself, eyes shut. Without consciously thinking about it, I raised my left hand and gently pressed my ring finger to his lips. His moan subsided into a soft growl. "Bella…"
"Don't think about it," I whispered. "I know you won't hurt me. Can't you trust yourself too?"
His eyes glittered down at me. "Are you sure about this?"
"I'd rather find out now than later. I trust you."
Edward half-closed his eyes and transferred his weight to one forearm as he leaned over me, lifting his other hand and gently holding my finger to his lips. He kissed my fingertip, then licked it slowly, almost reluctantly. I lifted my free hand to cradle the back of his neck and he arched into it for a moment before carefully enclosing my ring finger in his mouth again and gently running it across his teeth. There was pressure but no pain, what he'd said before about his teeth being like razors rang perfectly true. I could feel a gaping tug in the sensitive skin of my fingertip, much like a papercut, just before his lips closed more tightly over my finger with the slightest of sucking sensations. My entire hand and then arm tingled as he moaned. I felt the cold swipe of his tongue run across my fingertip just before he pulled away and threw himself back onto the mattress, breathing heavily.
"Are you okay?" My question seemed silly even to my ears, but I had to ask.
"Yes, I just…I don't want to make that a habit."
"Okay," I whispered, leaning over to wrap my arms around him. My ring finger felt numb but there was no pain and no blood. I didn't want to examine it closely enough to see if there was an incision.
"I know I can do it…to change you. But right now…Bella…" He moaned again.
"Tell me," I said urgently. "Tell me what you're feeling."
Edward turned his head to meet my gaze, his eyes dark. "I need you."
"You have me," was all I managed before he was on me again, hands and lips moving urgently over my body.
A/N: A shorter chapter, I know, but it was itching to get out, and the practicalities of what comes next didn't really seem to fit with the intimacy of this chapter. Please shoot me a review with your thoughts...can it only be a happily-ever-after now? Or does fate have more in store for these two before that? I know the answer, but let me know what you think!
Ooops, and P.S. - I'm on Twitter now, as lazykatevamp. If you're following this story here on FF you probably already get notifications when it updates, but I'd be more than happy to chat and answer questions over there! Send me a request and I'll add you. :-)