Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight and its characters. No copyright infringement is intended.

All original characters, plots, and the storyline contained within this derivative work are the property of Lazykate. This story may not be reproduced or reposted without permission from the author.

Chapter Twenty

"You bought me a Ferrari?"

I'm not quite sure why I was shocked, but just when I thought I had a grasp on the Cullens' penchant for giving expensive gifts, Edward had dropped this surprise on me. It was a lovely car, looking sinfully fast even as it sat gleaming in the garage with a giant bow perched perkily on the hood.

The look on Edward's face was a mixture of smug pride and the unabashed naughtiness that he knew I couldn't resist. "I did. Your belated Christmas gift, remember?"

"But… we're in Alaska!"

A lazy smile slipped over his face and he stalked around the front end until he had me pinned up against the shiny red paint of the sleek and expensive car. "It's not always snowy here, love." His hips nudged against mine and his hands settled on my waist, his face turning down so that our foreheads were touching. "Plus, I told you it was a gift for both of us."

I automatically wound my arms around his neck. "You're going to drive it too?"

"Hmm, maybe." He placed an unhurried kiss on my lips. "I was thinking more about fulfilling my fantasy of bending you over the hood and having my way with you. That's a memory I'd like to keep for eternity."

"Boys and their toys," I managed, before his lips claimed mine again.

"Ahem," came a loud voice from behind us, and we both turned to see Rosalie standing there, a tight smile on her face and a wrench in her hand. "I can put up with you two pawing each other all the time in the house, in the driveway, in the woods, and just about anywhere else you can think of. But not in here. I will not have you defiling my garage too."

Edward snickered. "How do you know we haven't already?"

Her eyes frosted over. "Out."

Still chuckling, Edward took my hand and we left the garage with Rosalie scowling behind us. A faint memory tickled the back of my mind. "Edward," I whispered when we were halfway down the drive, "Did we defile the garage in Forks?"

"Indeed we did," he confirmed. "On our second day together, no less."

"Hmm, I wish I remembered that."

He cocked an eyebrow at me. "We could reenact it, if you like. It involved me taking you up against the door. I recall we both enjoyed it immensely."

"That sounds nice," I said innocently as we reached the door of our cottage, and Edward squeezed my hand.

"It was very nice. I'll have to see if I can't shake that memory loose, hmm?"

I laughed lightly as we entered our home and he shut the door behind us. Our home… I felt the walls surrounding me in a comforting embrace, making me feel more secure than I ever did anywhere else.

Two days ago, I'd come face-to-face with the greatest temptation that called to vampires. After I'd calmed down and felt confident enough to leave the bedroom in the main house, Edward and I went back to our cottage and spent hours making love. It was almost frantic on my part, gentle on Edward's. I needed his body, his words, his love, to reassure me that things were all right; that nothing tragic had happened. That I was still his Bella, not a monster that had wanted so desperately to commit murder.

Edward, for his part, was unendingly patient with me. He knew me as well as I knew myself, and knew when to be loving, dominating, or playful with me. My moods were spastically mercurial in that first day after my encounter with the strange man, and Edward readily gave me whatever I needed in that stormy sea of tumultuous emotion. Burning thirst and passion, they went hand-in-hand for us, and I'd tried to force the memory of the man and how he had called to me out of my mind by turning to Edward.

"I understand, you know," he said softly, stroking my cheek as he lay beside me after we'd exhausted ourselves once again. "But I didn't have someone to help me fight the urge at that time, and I came to realize that the person I needed most to help me was the one I wanted to kill. I didn't know what to think, most of the time."

"I can imagine," I replied, nestling deeper into his embrace, our limbs tangling together. "I know I wouldn't have stopped on my own. I know it."

He started to object, but I quickly silenced him with a kiss and then pulled back just enough to look into his eyes. "It wasn't self-control, or my shield, or a conscience that stopped me, Edward. It was you. You were…" I hesitated, trying to find the right words to express something so supernatural that it was almost unbelievable. "You were the only clear thing I could see. Everything was red, like tunnel vision. All I could focus on was him, and yet you were there, very sharp and clear in my vision. Everything else around me was a blur, but you were so…distinct. And when I saw you, I realized it was you holding me back."

"You could have easily broken away from me, love." His words were gentle even in their honesty.

"Yes, I know I could have… but when I saw you, it was like I was able to think again. And I didn't stop because I wanted to; I stopped because you wanted me to."

He looked thoughtful as his fingers tangled into my hair. "But you chose to."

"Yes, but…"

"It's an important distinction." He dropped another kiss on my lips. "All I did was hold your wrist and look at you. I didn't do anything more than that. You decided on your own that it was enough to make you stop."

"I don't see the difference," I mumbled querulously.

"Again, you don't give yourself enough credit." He pulled back from me and the rueful smile I loved so much tugged at my heart. "Bella, you are truly unique, don't you understand that?"

"I don't want to be unique. I want to be understandable and predictable."

He laughed out loud at that. "I'm sorry then, love, but I don't think that will ever happen. And I rather like you being unpredictable. It will keep eternity interesting."

I started to disagree with him, but he smothered my protests under another long kiss, one that inevitably melted into his lips on my body, my fingers in his hair…

"Bella?"

I started a little and came back to myself as Edward reached out to touch my face. "Where did you go just then? You looked so far away."

"I was right here, actually." I smiled and turned to press my lips against the palm he'd laid on my cheek. "Thinking about you, and the past two days."

He hummed appreciatively. "Would you like to tumble back into bed, Mrs. Cullen?"

I hesitated for a moment. "Yes… but first… will you play for me?"

"Of course," he replied immediately, leaning in for a quick kiss before crossing the living room to sit at his piano. "Any requests?"

I curled up on the couch, my favorite place to sit while he played. It was comfortably warm from the fireplace, but allowed me to see him as he played, to watch the ripple and flex of tendons in his arms and hands as his fingers moved easily over the keys. "Something soft. Music to think to."

Edward looked at me curiously but didn't press, knowing that I would tell him everything when I was ready. He thought for a moment, and then began playing a song I was unfamiliar with; it was tranquil and reminded me of water. "What is this?"

"I wrote it." He spoke quietly, and his words blended perfectly with the music.

"It's beautiful."

"It should be. I wrote it for you. It's Bella in music."

The absolute adoration I had for my husband throbbed warmly in my chest, and I knew he felt it too when he tossed me a quick smile and continued to play. I stretched out on the couch, knowing that he would happily play for hours as I lay listening to him.

The music went on and on as I shut my eyes and let my mind wander. I didn't want to think about bloodlust any longer, so instead I thought about my shield, its power and its potential. Tanya had promised to call in two days' time, so perhaps she would call today. I wanted desperately to start working with my shield, pushing its limits, understanding what I could do with it.

Why should I wait?

The thought was an intriguing one. In the weeks since my change, I'd been too preoccupied to make a concerted effort to work with my shield. Despite the fact that I no longer needed sleep, Edward and I found ways to fill up the hours, and it was rare that I had a moment of doing nothing but thinking.

I was also afraid of continuing to fail. Afraid that despite my best efforts and intentions, that I would spend eternity mentally closed off from the one person who made up the other half of my soul.

That wasn't quite fair, though. Even with my mind's sudden silence, Edward still knew me inside and out, could sense my moods and thoughts almost as quickly as I experienced them. He'd come to know me first by reading my mind, but now he was using his other senses to read my soul.

At that thought, I couldn't help but open my eyes and smile a little as I watched him. He was so beautiful at the piano, relaxed and heavy-lidded as he gave himself up to the music which had obviously come from so far deep inside of him. His lips were parted just slightly and his forehead wrinkled from time to time. I knew every inch of his body, his expressions, his reactions, but his beauty still took my breath away.

Before I could allow myself to be distracted, I shut my eyes again and thought about my shield. There seemed to be two aspects that I needed to come to understand: that I could shield others just as I could shield myself; and that I could possibly drop my shield, which would allow others' gifts to affect me. Evidently, shielding Edward wouldn't allow him into my mind, as I would still be shielding myself at the same time.

It was puzzling to consider. From my vague human memories and the entries I'd scrawled in my journal, I'd already been successful at lowering my shield, as weak as it may have been before. Extending it to protect another was something entirely new and different, though. Was it simply a matter of envisioning it, as I had when I'd raised and lowered it at will before? Could it really be that easy when I couldn't see it at all now?

Eleazar's words, that my shield was wrapped tightly around me as a defensive mechanism, came back to me. Would it be easier to manipulate if there was no threat, nothing to defend myself against? Where else did I feel safer than here in my little house, with my husband close by?

I let the soft sweet music wind gently through my mind as I deliberately slowed my breathing and forced all conscious thought from my mind. I told myself that in the entire world, there was only Edward and I, encased in a safe cocoon, where a perfect moment like this could go on forever. If there was a heaven for humans then surely it would be something like this, and if there was a heaven for immortal beings, then hopefully I was in it with him now.

I felt enormously peaceful in that moment, but there was nothing else. No flicker, no tug, no jolt, no indication that my shield was relaxing, flexing, or in any other way allowing me to manipulate it. I may as well have been trying to will my very skin off my body.

"Love, stop trying so hard," Edward called softly to me, still playing.

"I can't help it," I sighed, opening my eyes. "Now that I know it's possible, I want it twice as much. But it's like waking up one day and deciding that I will start speaking Russian. I can't just do it."

"No, but how would you learn Russian?" he replied. "You'd take lessons, you'd learn it by studying, not by spontaneously downloading it into your brain."

"Like The Matrix," I said, and we both laughed. It was one of Emmett's favorite movies.

"And think of the different ways you could learn a new language. You could go for total immersion, move to Russia and learn by living and having to adapt to survive. Or you could learn phonetically, or you could do rote memorization. There are many different ways to learn, and I have the feeling the sisters will experiment to figure out what works best for you. The only difference is that language is a concrete thing, either you say something correctly or you don't. Your shield isn't that predictable. You'll know when you're successful because you'll be able to feel it."

"You think so?"

"I do." Edward finished the song he was playing with a quiet flourish of notes. "And I don't think you should sit and frustrate yourself over not being able to control it right now, simply because you want to. Would you get angry at yourself for not being able to speak Russian if you didn't even have a textbook, or any other learning materials?"

"Of course not, that would be silly."

"My point exactly." He stood up from the piano bench, came over to me, and was just bending to kiss me when we both heard the near-silent vibration of his cell phone in his pocket. He pulled it out and quirked an eyebrow when he saw the display. "Well… speak of the devil… or the vampire."

It was Tanya calling to confirm that today would be a good day for her to come visit us. Edward slipped his phone back into his pocket, smiling at the eagerness on my face. "She'll be here in a couple of hours, love. Let's go up to the main house and tell the others and maybe recruit some help."

"What do we need help for?" I hopped nimbly off the couch and took his hand as we left the cottage and walked quickly up the drive.

"Tanya doesn't have a gift, so we may need someone else to help us confirm if your lessons are working. I'm going to volunteer Alice as someone for you to shield… her mind never shuts up."

"Edward," Esme chided gently as we stepped into the giant living room of the main house. She and Carlisle were carefully packing away all the Christmas decorations that had been put up only a few days earlier.

"I know she's not here," Edward grinned, unrepentant, and Esme shook her head, smothering a smile.

"Tanya is on her way," I interjected. Carlisle nodded immediately.

"I thought she might come today to start helping you work with your shield."

"Yes, but there was something I wanted to ask you about their family."

He dusted his hands free of the sticky pine needles. "Yes, of course. What would you like to know?"

"Tanya, Kate, and Irina told me quite a bit about their past, and their mother, but there was a lot they left out as well. I don't want to bring it up while any of them are here, so…"

"You're curious about their mother?"

"Yes, they told me that she had been destroyed, but they didn't tell me why, or how." I carefully avoided mentioning that she'd lowered her shield to go willingly to her death, mindful of Edward standing close by my side.

Esme looked at Carlisle and smiled. "Sit down with them; I know it's a long story. I can finish this myself."

He touched her face fondly, and then crossed the room to Edward and I. "It is a long story. Have a seat, and I'll tell you what I know."

Edward and I settled on the couch, and Carlisle seated himself directly opposite. Noting how both men automatically assumed what would appear to be comfortable human postures, I crossed my legs and wiggled my feet experimentally. Remembering to appear human was something I definitely needed to work on.

"There is a great deal of backstory to this, so to start with, I have to tell you about what were called the immortal children. Hopefully you will never see one yourself, as creating them is against one of the very few laws that our kind has. They were children, very young children, some only toddlers, that were turned into vampires."

I gasped, shocked at the idea of a small child writhing through the burning agony of the change. "Why?"

Carlisle shrugged gracefully, his face somber. "Just as some humans are unable to naturally conceive children and go through other avenues to become parents, some vampires felt they were lacking for not having children as well. I'm sure it happened sporadically throughout our history, but there was a period of time, centuries before I was born, where many were created in a short span of time. I'm not sure why, but suddenly immortal children were being created across the world in unprecedented numbers.

"Imagine, Bella, the beauty and innocence of youth, magnified by the transformation into a vampire. The immortal children were utterly irresistible; everyone who saw them couldn't help but adore them. Unfortunately, they were still children at heart, and even human children have little-to-no self-control. They didn't understand the concepts of restraint or discretion. They were guided solely by need and want, their instinct to survive paramount above all else. What had been a few isolated incidents before became more frequent and conspicuous. There were several instances of immortal children escaping from their makers or covens and feeding freely, regardless of who may have witnessed it. Of course, they were also unbound by any of our other concerns, and thought nothing of going out in sunlight, for example. What had once been something that was merely frowned upon, suddenly become a serious problem."

"What happened?" I queried, already half-knowing the answer.

"Without going into great detail, the Volturi began a worldwide extermination of the immortal children. And although there were many of them, there were even more deaths associated with their execution. Hundreds and hundreds of adult vampires died as well."

"Why?"

Carlisle smiled sadly. "If you had a child, and that child was to be put to death before your very eyes, wouldn't you fight to try and prevent it?"

"Oh," I said quietly, understanding now.

"When I lived for a time with the Volturi, I had the opportunity to meet two immortal children. Aro had kept them as pets or lab rats, for all intents and purposes." Carlisle's kind face reflected the distress he still obviously felt. "Any new or intriguing thing in our world is a minor miracle, and Aro was fascinated by these immortal children, even as he recognized the danger they posed. He thought that perhaps they could be taught…but it was not to be. He ordered them destroyed. And creating an immortal child is a crime punishable by death, there are no exceptions."

At that point, I noticed from the corner of my eye as Esme silently set down the box of decorations she'd been holding and left the room. Carlisle watched her go, unhappiness plain in his eyes before turning back to me.

"What I can tell you now about Tanya, Kate, and Irina's mother, I learned directly from Aro himself. The sisters have never spoken about it to me, or to Eleazar, to my knowledge. They may tell you more themselves, but I doubt they will. The pain of losing her, their creator, their mother, is a burden they still carry.

"It was centuries after the execution of all the immortal children. There was an isolated incident of one being created here and there, true, but for the most part, it simply is not done. Not only because of the punishment, but because of the associated bitterness that surrounds their legacy. Where they were once loved and adored for their beauty and charm, they are now reviled for the pain they caused our kind."

Carlisle paused for a long moment. "Their mother's name was Sasha. I will never forget it because Aro remembered her keenly and spoke of her on more than one occasion. A vampire of such unprecedented power… of course, his main concern was for her talent, something he felt she recklessly threw away…although I never knew exactly what those powers were until you mentioned them to me, Bella. Without the knowledge of her three daughters, she created an immortal child. His name was Vasilii. And I know that only because she evidently cried his name as he burned in her arms."

I was too stunned to respond. From what the sisters had told me, I had automatically assumed that their mother had sacrificed herself to die with her mate. Instead it had been a child? And not just any child, but one that should never have been created to begin with? Edward felt me tense next to him and I saw him turn to look at me curiously.

"How the Volturi found out what she'd done, when she'd managed to keep it a secret from her own daughters, I don't know. There are some things that Aro, Caius, and Marcus choose not to share, even with friends." Carlisle's gentle face twisted into a slightly bitter smile. "Evidently, she didn't know they were coming, however, for they captured Vasilii easily enough. They thought she would be harder to apprehend, but to their surprise, she surrendered herself to them. She took Vasilii in her arms and looked Aro directly in the eyes as they set them to burn."

There was a haunting chill in the silence after Carlisle's words. "Why…why would she do such a thing?" I asked finally.

"Why do any of us do the wrong thing? Was it one bad decision? Did she honestly believe she could keep him a secret? No one knows, and no one will ever know. Sasha's daughters had no idea he even existed, until the Volturi executed the two of them in front of their very eyes. Their ignorance was the only thing that saved them."

I remembered the barely-concealed resentment in the sisters' eyes when they'd mentioned the reason for their mother's death. A forbidden creation, a sacrifice made. Their mother had been taken away because of her own decisions, but for the love of a child they'd never met, one that shouldn't have ever come to be.

XOXOXOXOXO

Edward and I sat on the stone front steps of the house, watching the sky and waiting for Tanya's arrival. There was a storm rolling in, and the sporadic snowflakes from earlier were beginning to come down more frequently now.

"Edward," I said finally, breaking the silence. "Why do you think she did what she did?"

He shook his head. "Just as Carlisle said, why do any of us make a bad decision or do something we know is wrong? There are a million answers or no answer at all, depending on how you look at it."

"They must have felt that she abandoned them," I mused. "That she picked him over them."

"Probably," he agreed.

"I can understand not wanting to live any longer after losing a mate… I wouldn't want to live without you. But she willingly changed a child, knowing the whole time that it would mean his death and hers if the Volturi found out, and then let them kill her… over something that should never have happened in the first place."

Edward gazed up into the thick gray clouds that were rolling in quickly now. "Do you remember what I told you about how Esme came to be a vampire?"

"I wrote it in my journal, yes."

"When she first woke up, she was furious. She cursed Carlisle for saving her, railed at him and told him that she'd wanted to die."

I blinked, shocked. I couldn't imagine gentle Esme being angry with, let alone cursing Carlisle.

"It hurt him deeply, of course, because he already recognized that she was his mate, and they were meant to be together. But her grief was an intense and powerful one, something that made her try to take her own life, something that carried over into death. It took her a long time to come to terms with the fact that she would have to live forever without the baby she'd wanted and loved so desperately. If she hadn't come to love Carlisle, I don't doubt that she would have searched the earth for a way to die again."

"Oh," I said softly. His words put a new perspective on Sasha's actions.

"Rosalie would probably do the same thing. Not being able to have a child is the greatest pain she carries in her heart about this life."

"But Sasha had three other children," I argued. "She picked him over them from the moment she changed him."

A lock of my hair blew in Edward's direction, and he captured it, winding it around his fingers. "All I can tell you is that a vampire's love is an instinct in and of itself. When you said you would rather die than live without me, don't you think I feel the same way?"

"Of course," I said immediately.

"If I had lost you," he murmured, "That night, the night of your accident, it would have annihilated me. I don't think it would have even taken a conscious action on my part. The absence of you would destroy me. I don't believe there is a world for me without you in it."

I shivered.

"Tanya and her sisters might not believe that is possible. Any unmated vampire might think it's melodramatic. Before your change, you might not have comprehended the truth of it. But I believe it as surely as I believe that the sun comes up every day and the stars come out at night."

"Tell me we don't have anything to worry about," I said suddenly.

"What?"

"The thought of you not existing, or being in pain… I can't stand it. Tell me that there's nothing we have to worry about."

He smiled a little and brought the lock of my hair, still twisted around his fingers, to his lips. "We have nothing to worry about. The only thing vampires have to fear are other vampires, and we've never had a reason to fear another of our kind."

"What about the wolves?"

"Love, you have to believe me when I tell you that if Carlisle was given even the slightest reason to believe they were a threat to us now, we would get up off these steps and leave this moment. So no, we don't have to worry about the wolves either."

I hugged my knees and looked up into the lead-colored sky, watching snowflakes form far above us and then drift aimlessly down. "What do we do with forever?"

"Make love." There was a smile in his voice.

"What else?"

"Tour the world, visit every place you've ever wanted to go. Have you ever been outside of the United States?"

"Unless driving through Canada while I was changing counts, then no," I said wryly. Edward laughed.

"I was thinking about a new honeymoon for us."

"I liked our first honeymoon." I looked at him coyly; the memory of our wedding night was remarkably clear in my mind.

"As did I, but it was altogether too short. Esme owns an island off the coast of Brazil and she's offered it to us, if we'd like some time alone together."

"Esme owns an island," I repeated in disbelief, then shook my head. "Wait, never mind. I don't know why I'm even still surprised by things like that."

Edward put his arm around me. "It was a gift to her from Carlisle. It's isolated and very beautiful. What do you think?"

I snuggled closer against him. "I think I like the sound of it. It's strange, though, I can't imagine not being with the rest of the family."

"They all take breaks from time to time," he explained. "Rose and Emmett had been in Europe for nearly a year just before the Halloween party. Alice and Jasper go on trips by themselves too, and even Carlisle and Esme want time alone occasionally. Sometimes the intensity of our feelings is something that we only want to share with a mate."

"When did you want to go?" My interest was piqued now.

"Whenever you feel comfortable being out amongst people. We can charter private planes, but there will always be people around, getting there."

Disappointment washed over me. "So it won't be for a while, then?"

"Not necessarily." He cocked his head to the side. "Tanya is here."

He must have sensed her thoughts even before we heard her approach, for a moment later she ran lightly around the side of the house, her strawberry blonde curls flying out behind her. She smiled widely when she saw us waiting for her. "It's always nice to have a welcoming committee."

"Of course," I said, giving her a quick hug, genuinely pleased to see her again.

"I hear you had quite the experience when you got home the other day, Bella." Her gaze was appraising. "And that you handled it remarkably well."

"Let's go inside, Tanya," Edward interrupted. "We'll tell you everything then."

An hour later, we were curled up in front of a roaring fire. The rest of the family had gone to hunt before the animals took shelter from the snowstorm that was rapidly building into a blizzard, and we had the house to ourselves.

"Tell me, Bella," Tanya said thoughtfully. "Do you remember what it was like, when you could manipulate your shield as a human? Was it visible to you, or was it more of a feeling?"

"I started imagining it as a force field, and that's when I started actually seeing it. I don't know if it was there all along, and I just never consciously noticed, or if I started seeing it when I finally believed that it existed."

"I wonder if it was a visual manifestation that your mind created to help you understand it," she said thoughtfully. "That it could have appeared to be anything that helped you recognize it?"

"Maybe," I agreed.

"What did it look like?"

"A fairly-clear force field. I could see through it easily, and was only really conscious of it when I raised or lowered it. It shimmered."

Tanya smiled a little. "Mother saw hers as tinted blue. She said the same thing, though, that she only really saw it when she was consciously manipulating it. Otherwise it was just there, something you become accustomed to; I suppose like a human wearing glasses."

"If you don't mind my asking," Edward spoke up, "What was it like when she shielded you?"

She shook her head, a slight quiver in her lips the only sign of distress. "None of us could ever tell. Thankfully there were only a few occasions were she had to shield us, to protect us, but nothing appeared different to us. To her, though… she described it as a reaching out, just as you would reach out to take someone in your arms. She had a very strong grasp on controlling it, though, so it took no more than a thought on her part. And greater concentration depending on the situation, and how many she was shielding, of course."

"How did she learn to control it?"

"She never said, specifically." Tanya's perfect face took on a thoughtful expression. "We did meet a young male vampire, centuries ago, who had a very weak shield as his gift. It was nothing compared to hers, or yours, Bella, but she helped him to understand it better. I remember her telling him that he could sit for all eternity and want to control it, but that wanting wasn't strong enough. She asked him how he envisioned his shield, and he said he saw it as a soap bubble. So she told him to start picturing that soap bubble, and envisioning himself manipulating it."

"That sounds exactly like what I was doing," I said, getting excited. Tanya smiled.

"Yes, it really might just be that easy. You need to give yourself a point of reference to work with, anything will do as long as it provides something for you to focus on. Your mind understands what it is you're trying to do. You can't visualize nothing or work with nothing, you have to have something to concentrate on."

I licked my lips. "How do we start?"

"The same way you started as a human, evidently. You can shut your eyes or leave them open, whichever is more comfortable for you. Then, if you still imagine your shield as being a force field, start looking for it. It's there, it's around you; you just have to allow yourself to recognize it."

Minutes and then hours began to slip by. The rest of the family returned but thankfully opted to leave us alone. I began to grow frustrated when, despite my best efforts, I couldn't see the shield that I knew was there.

"It's like my vision is too good now. I'm seeing right through it!" I growled, and Tanya smiled patiently.

"We have all the time in the world, Bella. Let's try something a little different. Shut your eyes now, and think back to the very last time you can remember seeing it as a human. Try and remember exactly how it felt, what you were doing, what you saw, what you heard; put yourself back into that moment."

I shut my eyes obediently and began running back through my human memories, searching for the last time I remembered seeing that faint gleam surrounding me, like a shimmer of sun on water, remarkably transparent even as the distortion made it visible…

And it shimmered

and then it was just black

I gasped and went rigid. It was there, the memory was right there, but it hurt as it roared over me, details I'd forgotten piercing me into place…

"Bella!" Edward's voice seemed to be coming from far away, and it only intensified the memory. More details came back to me now, pouring over me like a bucket of icy water. I screwed my eyes more tightly shut and clenched my jaw, afraid of the memory, but I could see it then, I could see it shimmering in front of me…

Shaking with the exertion, I reached out for it with my mind, and I could feel it. It was like extending a hand into a movie screen, reaching into a moment from my past that was frightening and disorienting, a memory I had no desire to revisit. It was the moment just after my accident, before Edward found me, the moment that I began to die.

The disorientation and terror that had gripped me then washed back over me now and I felt myself curling up into a ball, but I refused to let go of the memory. My shield, I'd had my shield up and had managed to lower it even through the pain and confusion. My sight was dim but my shield was there and I fixed my vision on it, not letting it go, holding onto it as tightly as I now sensed Edward gripping my hand. Slowly, slowly, I opened my eyes.

I was looking at the floor. But my shield was still there.

I could hear their voices clearly now, Edward and Tanya, and then Carlisle too. I was afraid to move; afraid to do anything that might shatter the image between my eyes and the floor, so instead I carefully squeezed Edward's hand.

"Love, are you all right?" There was panic in his voice and that took precedence before anything else in my world.

"Yes," I replied quietly, still looking at the floor. The shield didn't shift with my words, and I slowly let my eyes flicker back and forth a little, examining it. It looked different, more clear and defined, less like a flexible shimmer than a sharp, clean sheet of glass. It was barely visible, but most certainly there.

"Can you see it, Bella?" Tanya's voice was much calmer than Edward's.

"Yes… I'm afraid I'll lose it…"

"You won't lose it; I guarantee it's not going anywhere." There was a faint hint of amusement in her words. "Sit up and look at me."

I slowly uncurled, realizing that I'd been bent double over my knees. Remarkably, I was able to focus on both Tanya's face and the shield. She smiled. "Memorize what it looks like, Bella. Does it look the same?"

"No, it looks thicker, more impermeable. And clearer."

"Like a pane of glass?"

"Yes."

"Can you feel it?"

I frowned a little. "No. I just see it."

"Okay, just relax, Bella. I think you're actually hurting Edward."

At her words I gasped and immediately looked over to Edward, simultaneously realizing that I was practically crushing his hand in my own. I dropped and he flexed his fingers, smiling. "I'm sorry!"

"I'm fine, love. Just as long as you're okay too."

"Yes, I just…" I stopped short when I realized that despite my slip in concentration, my shield was still there. A surge of excitement went through me. "I can still see it!"

"I told you it wasn't going anywhere," Tanya teased. "Now what did you do that allowed you to see it again? Was it your last human memory of manipulating it?"

My mood plummeted just as quickly as it had risen a moment before. "Yes. It was the night of the accident."

Edward moaned softly next to me. "Oh, love… that's why you seemed like you were in so much pain. I don't want you to have to remember that."

I shuddered slightly. "I hadn't remembered that exact moment until just now. I had a vague memory of getting it down just after the accident, but nothing in any detail. This, though, was like reliving it all over again."

Carlisle spoke up then, from where he stood beside the couch. "Perhaps the trauma of that memory, paired with its association with your shield, was just enough to allow you to recognize it again? Like an amnesiac recovering their memory when they encounter a trigger?"

"I don't think there's any one answer," Tanya pointed out. "It's whatever allows her brain to recognize it. It's too bad you can't write a book about this, Carlisle."

"Neuropsychological Responses of the Vampire Brain would probably raise a few eyebrows, that's true," he chuckled.

As Tanya and Carlisle continued to talk, I looked at Edward again. He smiled lovingly at me, and I marveled again at how easy it was to see my shield now. It wasn't as obvious or visible as before, but now that I knew what to look for, it was immediately apparent.

"I'm sorry I crushed your hand," I whispered to him.

"It's fine, love, I didn't even notice because I was so worried about you."

"It's a horrible memory," I murmured.

He sighed. "I guess we have the definitive answer on why Alice didn't see the accident happen; why she only saw you from the moment you were able to lower your shield. But enough about that. How do you feel now?"

I thought for a moment. "More secure. For a while my shield was a known, recognizable thing. Then it became something we didn't understand. I feel like I just took a big step in the right direction of understanding something that is as important as my sight or hearing, or any of my other senses."

He reached out and stroked my cheek in the gesture I loved so much. "Don't push yourself, though, love. It took you eighteen hours just to get to that point."

"What?"

"It's been seventeen hours and forty-eight minutes since we settled down here to work on this. I guess you lost track of time?"

"I guess so!" I gasped, laughing. "It's a good thing we don't have to sleep."

"No, but we do have to eat," he replied, gently rubbing his thumb under my eye. "It's been three days since you fed, love. And although I doubt any wayward humans will come wandering up the driveway in this weather, I still think you and I should go hunt."

I glanced over to see Tanya and Carlisle still deeply engrossed in conversation. "I guess you're right."

"I like to think I know what's best for your well-being." He stood and held out his hand to me. "The snow has let up a little. Let's go now."

We plunged out into the drifts which had grown exponentially since the last time I'd stepped outside. I laughed a little to myself, glad that I was wearing jeans and a sweater instead of a dress for once, even if the cold didn't affect me.

It was still snowing as we found and drained two lone elk, the wind whipping and swirling the white flakes around us as we fed. When we were done, we stood looking up into the night sky. There were no stars or northern lights tonight, just a heavy low cloud cover and millions of snowflakes hurtling down at us.

"I like the snow," I said absently. "But the island off the coast of Brazil sounds very appealing right now."

"It's incredibly warm there," he promised. "The ocean is like bathwater and we could lie out on the beach all day, just soaking in the sun."

"I guess we don't have to worry about sunburn?"

"No sunburn. Just sunglasses to block the glare from all the sparkling."

"I want to start working on my tolerance to humans, Edward. I'm not saying I want to make a day trip to Anchorage tomorrow, but I need to start getting used to the fact that there is an entire world of people out there. I can't hide here forever."

"Yes," he agreed, and then thought for a moment. "We can start getting closer to the main highway, just to begin desensitizing you to the scents. And just gradually get you closer and closer. Then maybe go into one of the smaller towns at night, when no one is around. You'll have to hunt daily before we do that, though, there's no point in putting yourself in temptation's path without being prepared."

I hummed and looked up at the sky again, at the millions and millions of white flecks that swirled around us like a snowglobe. And then, just as it crossed my mind to look for it, I could see the faintest reflection of my shield there too. "Huh," I said, surprised.

"What?"

"I just had a moment where I realized I didn't see my shield, until I thought about it, and then I saw it was there. Like it was there all along, but it wasn't what I was focused on seeing. God, does any of this make sense?"

"It does." Edward came up behind me and wrapped his arms around my waist, tilting his head back and observing the explosion of the snowflakes with me. "I think your comparison to a pane of glass is a good one. When you look out a window, are you looking at the window or are you looking at what's on the other side? The window is there, of course, but you're not looking at the glass unless you consciously think to do so."

"That," I said, relieved, "Is the best explanation so far. It's perfect, thank you."

"So you're in a glass box, then. How do I get in there with you?"

I giggled a little at Edward's words and then froze, a sudden thought blazing across my mind. "Hang on a second. I think I'm having an epiphany."

"All right," he chuckled.

"What you just said… about me being in a glass box. That's how I feel. It's rigid, it's inflexible. Glass doesn't bend or stretch. I can't even visualize that. And if I have to match my efforts to my expectations, of what I understand it to be…" I paused for a moment, my mind working furiously. "It's not so much a matter of extending it or pushing it out to wrap around others. I have to get you in here with me!"

"I'm following you," he said slowly. "So how do I get in there?"

"I don't know. It's not something that is an actual distance from my body, something that you have to step inside. It's like a second skin… so I guess that blows my glass box theory out of the water."

"Not at all." Edward slowly turned me around. "I may not have to actually be within a certain physical proximity, but try to imagine, to believe that I've stepped inside it. Match your efforts to your expectations, remember?"

I took a deep breath and fixed my gaze on him, then saw the faint sheen of my shield before my eyes, between us. I imagined that the surface was actually two feet further back than it appeared to be, a distance that would easily enclose him in my glass box.

Nothing happened, just snow falling gently around us, his beautiful face on the other side of the glass.

I gritted my teeth and concentrated harder, tried to push the glass back even though I had a feeling it would be useless. It was.

"Love," he called to me. "No one learned to speak Russian in a day. You've done so much already in such a short time…"

I puffed out a breath and looked at him, at the almost-invisible sheen between us, and then back at him again. I couldn't move it, it was too solid, if only there was some way I could move Edward…

And then suddenly, he was there.

My mouth fell open into a silent oh, as my eyes raked from left to right, seeing where the glassy shine disappeared behind him. It was behind him.

"Bella," he gasped, and I shook my head faintly, mouthing No to him. The faintest humming of tension began to vibrate inside my head, an effort that bordered on the closest thing I'd experienced to a headache since I'd awoken a vampire. The humming became more insistent, but at that moment I noticed something else.

Edward. I could feel him. Our bodies weren't touching, our eyes weren't even meeting, but I could feel him as though we were melded together. The ever-present warm throb in my chest beat harder, faster, almost like the heartbeat I'd had so long ago. It was a sensation that I couldn't define, but I felt a sudden surge of protection, of defense. Edward was safe.

And then, just as suddenly as the shift had occurred, it was gone, the faint sheen of glass back between us again.

I gaped at Edward for a moment and then uttered the first thing that came into my mind, which also happened to be tragically unladylike. "Holy shit!"

He burst out laughing.

"Did that happen?" I sputtered. "Did that really just happen?"

"Whatever it was, something just happened, yes."

"Could you read my mind? Or could you… I mean, I don't think I…" I was babbling now, desperately wanting to try it again but too excited to focus. "Did you feel that?"

His brow wrinkled a little. "I felt something, but I'm not sure exactly what it was. I felt secure, for lack of a better word."

"Safe?" I volunteered, and he nodded.

"I think I just shielded you," I whispered, before a gigantic grin bloomed across my face.

"I think you did too."

I grabbed his hand. "Come on! Let's go back to the house, I want to tell Tanya and see if I can shield any of the others!"

"Hold on there, love," he drawled, tugging me back against him. "We're in the woods."

"Yes?"

"And it's snowing."

I grinned again in spite of myself, knowing exactly where he was going with this. "I hadn't noticed."

"Oh?" He pursed his lips thoughtfully. "I suppose I could do the noticing for both of us."

I couldn't resist him, there was nothing that could ever be more important to me than him. I wanted what he wanted, and I wanted him. And if I lived for a thousand years or more, making love with Edward in the snow would be one of the things I loved best.

My lips met his fiercely as he pulled me down into the white drifts around us, tiny crystalline structures that scratched our skin ever-so-slightly. I threw my head back as his lips met my throat, and I stared up to the clouds where the snowflakes were born, fell, swirled and then scattered around us.

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOX

A/N:

So a little more back-story on the Denali sisters' mother, and quite a breakthrough for Bella and her shield! Good to know that she's making progress, eh? Let me know what you think, your kind reviews make me so blissfully happy, even when I'm not able to answer every one, that I just wanna WRITE WRITE WRITE and get this whole story out there!

A couple of items of note...first of all, THANK YOU to you kind readers who have inquired about the status of Make Your Own Kind of Music. Originally I'd planned to pull it off FF altogether due to its, um, adult nature...but thanks to some pointed suggestions, I'll be reposting a "censored" version here on FF and the original version will be over on Twilighted. It will be my next full-time project when this one is done (along with the IDBiV outtakes, of course, which shall be plentiful!).

Second, if any of you are reading my collaboration, the aptly-named "Dirty Little Secrets" with Brits23 (and hopefully you are!), you already know that Kate+Brits=genius (or trouble, depending on how you look at it). Well, we've come up with another genius/insane mind-meld, so be on the look-out for details about that soon!

And again, although I say it every chapter, THANK YOU so very much for your kind reviews and thoughts, even when I can't reply to every one, know that I take them all to heart and they give me the greatest inspiration to write that I could ever ask for!!! Love you guys!!!