So bels I guess there's one good thing about us both feelin like poopers today - everyone gets a weekday update of Secrets!

I KNOW! cool beans cool beans. Glad that if I must stay home I get to hang with you :)

Definitely, the silver lining to the ickiness. And now into the best segue ever... We still don't own the characters some lady name SMeyer does out in Utah or Colorado or something...

I don't know... where ever the fuck. Maybe Vanity Fair left her in the desert when they did that weird photo shoot thing :P

Maybe. But hey, even if we're under the weather we'd still love reviews.

Yeah... that might make us feel more betterer

Defo-nately. So leave one or 5? Maybe? We also like PMs, but we realize this may be pushing it :P

Lol, maybe. then again maybe not. I think... kella kels, I think we might be able to provide a teaser for those who review? Thoughts?

Sure! I love to tease!

... wait, nevermind. But I still like the idea.

Lol, mmk. So just to recap: reviews? Get a teaser. So review, review, review! :D

EPOV

I woke up after a few hours with my head throbbing and about a million and one things going on in my mind. I didn't want Bella to be sad, even though she clearly was. I hated that there was suddenly this void between us. Even though she was right here, right beside me in fact, we were so far apart. I rolled onto my back and blinked a few times to wipe away the sleep. They felt a little bit better, and I was surprised that my muscles actually felt like they were useful. I sat up carefully, reaching for the bottle of gatorade beside the bed and took a careful sip. I waited for the nausea. Nothing.

Epic win.

I grinned to myself, then looked over at Bella who was curled in a ball and fast asleep. I didn't want to wake her. She was probably tired enough as it is. I stepped carefully out of bed and hesitated as I stood. But I was okay. I felt okay. Not better, but okay. That was fucking amazing. I walked slowly into the bathroom, grabbing a change of clothes from my bag and stepping into the shower. The entire time I was just waiting for my legs to give out on me, or to pass out, but there was nothing. Nothing. I was okay. I stepped out of the shower after I finished and dried myself off.

"Edward?" I heard Bella call from the other room, her voice raised a little. "Edward?"

I slipped on my boxers and tee shirt. Now I had to sit. "I'm here, Bella."

the door burst open and she was rubbing sleep from her eyes. "What's wrong? Are you okay? Did you throw up?"

I laughed a little and rubbed the towel over my head. "I'm okay, for now. I just took a shower."

She hesitated, "By yourself? You didn't fall?"

I grinned up at her, "Not even once."

She smiled back at me, then put her hand to my forehead. "I'm so proud of you, Baby. But you still feel warm. How's the stomach?"

I shrugged, "Okay. I'm not nauseous."

She nodded, pressing her lips to my forehead, then pulling away a little. I shut my eyes instinctively. "I'll get you some toast. And I have to call your mom. She asked me to around now."

I leaned forward and back into her, wrapping my arms around her waist. She lifted her own gently and wrapped them around my neck. "Bella..." I whispered into her skin, taking in her scent. "I love you so fucking much, it's ridiculous." I pushed my face farther into the crook of her neck and I felt the ends of her pony tail tickling my skin. "I never knew that it could be like this."

She lent her head to mine, "Me either."

"Bella... I don't think I can stay away from you any more."

Her response was simple: "Then don't."

I pulled her gently closer to me, and into my lap. "Edward, I shouldn't--"

I shook my head against her. "You remember last night? When you got naked and you said you wanted just to be close to me? That's what I need. Please."

She sighed and I felt her hands come up to my hair and she started to gently run her fingers through it. I sat with her in my lap for a few more minutes, until I almost fell asleep. She kissed my hair and I looked up at her. "Ready for some food, love?"

I nodded, "Yeah. I love you."

She smiled softly. "Love you. Now, c'mon. Let me up." Bella was half way out the door as I finally stood. She turned back around quickly. "You okay?"

I nodded, bracing my weight on the counter. "Yeah. Can I sit on the couch? I don't want to be in bed anymore."

"Yeah, whatever you want."

I came over to her slowly, "And you'll sit with me? We can watch a movie?"

Her hand came up and cupped my cheek as she smiled at me. "Sounds nice."

I watched her worriedly. Sometimes, we were okay and others we weren't. All I wanted was for everything to be okay. Maybe we could have a redo of the last weekend? I hobbled slowly after her and into the living room as she made my toast. I flipped through the channels, trying to find something and I finally settled on the Da Vinci Code.

"This one?" Bella asked, handing me the dish and another bottle of gatorade.

"No good?"

She sat beside me, her legs curled underneath her. "It's okay. I just haven't seen it in a while."

I took a tentative bite and chewed slowly. Okay. Everything was okay. I smiled at her and she grinned broadly at me. I kept eating and watching, noticing the way that Bella was creeping closer and closer to my side. I finally finished and pulled her into me. She turned over in my arms, putting her hands on my face. "You really had me scared for a while."

I furrowed my brow at her, "I'm sorry."

"It's not your fault." She said, shaking her head, "I just don't want to lose you sooner than I have to."

I wanted to ask her where I was going, and why she thought that but she was touching me and I was too selfish to say no to that. I didn't want to argue with her. I wanted her to love me. I opened my mouth tho speak when my phone rang. Shit, Tanya, what the fuck?

Bella bit her lip and handed me my phone. I flipped it open quickly. "Hello?"

"Edward? Sweetheart? How are you feeling?"

I sighed, and relaxed a little, "Better. Thanks Mom." I watched Bella's eyes soften as she relaxed into me again.

"Did your fever break? Have you thrown up?"

"No, I haven't and we haven't taken my temperature yet. But I had some toast and everything seems to be okay."

She sighed, "Good. Sweetheart I was so worried about you."

I smiled over at Bella, "I'm okay Mom. I have Bella with me, so it's okay."

I heard her laugh into the phone, "I'll bet. Hey listen, call me when you're feeling better and I'll take you and Isabella out to lunch. I'd love to meet that charming young lady."

My smile grew wider. "I think she'd like that."

"Good. Call me in the morning Okay? Love you."

"Love you too, Mom. Bye."

I hung up the phone laughing to myself, then looked up at Bella. "She wants to take us to lunch."

Bella looked at me, puzzled. "She does?"

"Mhm. You up for it?"

Her eyebrows creased, and she shrugged slowly almost apprehensively. Okay, guess not.

"Bella? Do you think... I know this is a lot to ask, but do you think you could come over on friday? After you get out of work?"

"Yeah, I guess."

I frowned. "You don't have to." I looked down at my hands folded in my lap. Why couldn't I get anything right with her? "I don't want you to do anything you don't want to do."

BPOV

I was exhausted. I was frustrated. I was just... sad. How much longer was he going to keep dragging this out, telling me he loved me and wanted me around all the time when it was apparent he wouldn't want those things forever?

My phone buzzed before I could respond to him and to avoid answering and potentially drudging up this whole thing, I answered it.

"Hello?"

"Hey baby." I heard James voice echo over the received.

"Oh, hey.." I replied, sounding shocked. My mind immediately raced and tried to think of the last time we'd spoken. Thursday at therapy with Dr. Carlisle? Had it really been almost 4 days?

"How are you?"

"Oh, um... good?"

He chuckled into the phone. "That sounded like a question. Everything okay?"

"Mhm. Everything's fine."

"I miss you baby." He lamented, his voice dropping to a whisper. I bit the inside of my lip and sighed. "Me too."

"Can you swing by tonight? Maybe we could do a late dinner around 10? I really want to see you." My eyes shifted from my lap over to Edward who looked extremely uncomfortable. Part of me wanted to say take that but the other part of me sympathized and wanted to get James off the phone asap.

"I don't know if I can. I'm pretty beat." I replied, leaning my head against the top of the sofa. "But you're off tomorrow. We can see each other then, right?" I saw Edward's jaw clench out of the corner of my eye and his eyes snap shut as he reached for the remote and started channel surfing.

"Yeah, that'll work too baby. Can I come over? It's been so long since I've been inside you I think I forget what you feel like." I winced and pursed my lips at the thought. Since I'd met Edward, I knew there was a reason I hadn't enjoyed sex with James, aside from the obvious ones. He just... wasn't Edward. I sighed again wondering how many times I'd get to feel him before he decided he'd had enough and went back to Tanya completely. I gulped audibly, swallowing the bile down. James was my future. Edward was present only; I'd been made painfully aware of that when I'd heard the exchange between him and Tanya. "That sounds... nice." I replied softly. "But I have to go. Can we touch base tomorrow?"

"Sure thing. Love you Bells."

"Mhm. Me too." I replied, shutting my phone off and turning to Edward, who was sitting stoically on the couch beside me. "Sorry that was--"

"It's okay." He said, moving to stand slowly. "I've imposed on you enough, and you have things do to." He murmured, bending down to brush his lips against my forehead before weakly beginning to walk towards the door.

I bolted up and followed him, moving in front of him and blocking his path. "Hey, you are never an imposition, and the only thing I have to do is take care of you and make sure you're right as rain."

His mouth curved up into an apprehensive grimace. "You sure? Cause I don't want to keep you if you... need something else."

I cupped his jaw with one hand and smiled, inching my face closer to his. "Edward, when are you going to get that the only thing I need is you?"

He looked at me skeptically, as if trying to collect his thoughts. "Bella... I need you too. You know that, don't you?"

"I know you need me for now." I replied sadly, moving my hand to his forehead. "Better but still warm. I'm going to get more Motrin." I added to break the solemn mood.

"Bella, what is it? Tell me. Please?" He sighed, his eyes pleading with me to open up.

I took a breath, sidestepping him and shaking my head. "It's fine Edward." I brushed off, heading into the bathroom and grabbing the bottle of ibuprofen.

"It's clearly not fine." He said slouching down onto the floor. "One minute you want me, and the next you push me away. Sick or not, tell me what's going on."

"I heard your conversation with Tanya." I replied as the words replayed over in my head. The more I thought about it the less hurt I was feeling; instead I was seething with anger. How could he use me like that? Tell me he loved me to what, make sure I stayed in bed? I tossed the bottle of pills towards him. "I heard you explicitly say that you didn't want her to end things."

He blinked rapidly, staring at me as if I had two heads. "Bella, she was drunk. She was telling me she wanted to break up a little. I figured that breaking up a seven year relationship wasn't something to do under the influence."

I shook my head. "It's fine Edward; it's... whatever." I ran my fingers through my hair nervously. "I mean I guess if you hadn't broken up with her by now, after everything, it should have been apparent you wouldn't, ever."

"I won't?"

"Edward, you've been with her 7 years. She tried to seduce Ben. She cheated on you." I rolled my eyes thinking of how fucking stupid I'd been thinking I would be the driving force that he would be willing to end things with her for. How fucking egotistical of me. "If you hadn't after all of that, there's no reason that you'd end things with her for someone as mediocre as me."

He pulled his knees up as his face went a shade paler. "I didn't leave her because I didn't think there was anything better. I was lucky I found one person who could tolerate me, so I stuck with it. And when we were alone... it wasn't so bad. But now I have you, and love you're anything but mediocre. You're brilliant, cunning, funny, articulate," He laughed dryly. "Bella you're everything that's right in my world. But if you don't want me here; if this is too much for you, let me know. I never want you to feel... beholden to me."

"Edward," I began, sighing as I tried to put my thoughts together. "This is an incredibly selfish thing to ask, but how much longer until everything is done and you're really mine?" I asked looking down and blushing at how blatantly selfish I was being.

"This weekend? Maybe sooner, depending on when I see her." He shrugged, tugging at his hair nervously. "Bella, I don't go home anymore because I can't stand being there and pretending with her. I'll admit, it's been harder than I thought it would be, but I've never once forgotten that it's you I love, and it's you that I want to come home to." He paused, knitting his brows together and I could almost see the wheels turning in his head. "It's easier to pretend she doesn't exist if I don't have to see her. Bella, I'm ashamed of what I've done to you... of what I'm doing to you. I hate that you hurt. I hate that every time I leave you get nervous and worried. I hate... what happened. But I love you. And I want us together. Really. That's what I need. No one else, not ever. I couldn't ever put you through anything remotely like this ever again. It kills me that you doubt me, and the way that I love you, but at the same time I understand. I don't follow through and I don't take care of you the way you deserve." He sighed, leaning his head back. "I'll try harder, and I know that leaving her is the first step. And I'm going to do it. Bella, I want to do it. Not just for you, but for me too. I've been settling practically my whole life and I want to have someone who loves me." He lifted his head, his eyes staring directly into mine. "And I want it to be you."

I looked up at him slightly wide eyed. "It is me. I love you... god, so much that it's kind of ridiculous. I can't imagine ever being happy without you."

His voice was hoarse and weak as he leaned closer. "Bella, I'm not happy without you. Not at all. I don't try and imagine it because it's a fact: every time I walk away from you, I die. I know what I have to do, and please believe me when I tell you that I want to. I want to leave Tanya and Be with you. Only you. This isn't me trying to string you along and telling you what I think you want to hear. This is it. This is my reality. You made me realize that, Bella, you and the way that you love me. You're always patient and kind, even when I don't deserve it. And most days, I don't." His breath was heavy and unsteady. I looked at him intently, noticing his eyes rimmed with tears. "Isabella, don't think for one second that I take the time we have together for granted." He continued, pulling his knees closer to his chest, looking lost and completely drained. "I know that you could leave; any time you could leave or you could tell me to and that makes me want to be in every moment. I don't want to think about them or our situation or what could happen tomorrow. I just want to love you and be with you." He mumbled, looking down at his lap. "I don't want the bottom to fall out."

I hurt watching him hurt. My hands slid over his legs and wrapped around his kneecaps gently pushing them down as my body scooted over his, straddling his lap. I looked into his sad eyes, and smiled shyly before lowering my lips and brushing them against his softly. I dragged them against them again, this time feeling his lips move against mine as his hands slid to my waist, pulling me closer. My arms looped around his neck lightly and my mouth moved lazily from his, across his jaw and down his neck. "I love you and I'm with you, that won't ever change." I whispered into his ear before my lips continued their descent.

"You're sure?" He asked softly.

My lips rested against his shoulder and I nodded. "Edward I need you in my life. I want to spend every day of forever with you; loving you, taking care of you, building a life with you. None of that will ever stop. There will never be a day where I don't want all of that. And I know there's a lot to get through to get to the point where we can really begin building our life together, our family, our little universe... but I will never stop hoping that today will be that day."

EPOV

I held Bella close to my chest, even though I knew I shouldn't have. She'd probably end up sick, but at that point I hate to say I didn't much care. i needed her in my arms, telling me that everything was okay. I nuzzled my face into her hair, inhaling deeply.

"I'm sorry I puked all over your house," I mumbled, my stomach beginning to feel a little funny from breathing in so much Bella.

Bella laughed against me, scratching at the nape of my neck. "It's okay." She murmured as she burrowed into my chest. "Are you starting to feel better?"

I nodded, but I had to pull myself away from her a little to grab some fresh air. "Kind of. I still feel really tired and stiff though."

She slid off of me and sat in front of me. "Did you want to go for a walk around the block to stretch?"

I watched her move around to put away my dirty dishes, and stood slowly with my weight braced against the wall. "You're coming with me, though, right?"

Bella laughed a little then rolled her eyes at me, "Yeah Edward. Where you go, I go" She looked over at me, and smiled; but it didn't touch her eyes. "Especially when you're as sick as you've been."

I grabbed the sweat pants she brought for me and carefully slipped them on. "Was I really that bad?"

She grabbed my jacket and passed it to me with a grin. "Bad enough for me to 're not allowed to get sick anymore, okay?"

I smiled at her, "I'll try love."

She laughed a little and kissed me quickly. "As long as you try." She grabbed my hand and tugged me forward."Come on gimpy, let's get some air."

I nodded and let her lead me out the door, then carefully down the stairs. The sun was beginning to set, but the air was still warm from the day. It must have been nice out. I heaved a heavy sigh, and felt Bella tense beside me. "It's okay, love. I was just thinking how perfect today would've been for my shoot."

She took a deep breath and squeezed my hand."It'll be good on Friday too. And if it's not they'll still come out beautifully." She paused and laughed a little. "Why didn't you tell me about Vanity Fair? That's like... a huge deal. We should have gone out to celebrate."

I shrugged a little. "Well, what if it fell through? Then what would you think of me? Or if they don't use my shots, which could happen, then what? It's really not that great." I looked down at the cracks in the sidewalk and tried to count them as we walked.

"We still should have celebrated. If it had fallen through, you getting this kind of opportunity is amazing and I would haven't thought anything of you - them perhaps. I mean what kind of idiots would drop an opportunity to have you shoot for them?" She scoffed, "They'd be idiots not to use you. And they knew it; that's why it was so easy to reschedule you for Friday." Bella paused before she added, "Edward, I think your an amazing artist regardless of if you're photographing for Vanity Fair or some small boutique here in Seattle. You're talented regardless of your accounts."

I scoffed a little and looked away. No one had ever said anything like that to me before. Well, no one who wasn't biologically obligated. "So you think I did the right thing, not going to Med School?"

She looked over at me, surprised. "You were going to go to Med School?"

"Mhm. I was premed until my junior year."

"And you're happier now, than you think you would have been if you'd pursued medicine?"

I sighed, "It definitely would've been different. We probably wouldn't be together if I'd become a doctor."

She leaned over and kissed my shoulder. "Then I definitely think you did the right thing, not going to med school." She said with a small laugh.

I nodded, kissing the top of her head. "What about you? Any lofty aspirations?"

"I wanted to get my Master's in Creative Writing." She sucked her lip into her mouth and I almost dove of her face, germs or no germs. "I even applied a couple years ago."

I looked at her, blinking a little. "So? What happened?"

"I got into a couple of places, my top two actually..." She said, then shrugged. "But James was just wrapping up his EMT studies and it wasn't a good time and we couldn't move across the country."

I frowned, squeezing her hand. "Would you want to go?"

"I did then..." She started, but then she shook her head. "But now I don't know."

I turned away from her and coughed, "How come?"

"I don't know. I like my job now and really, what am I going to do with a Master's in Creative Writing? Teach? My salary wouldn't cover my student loans, let alone food for our kids."

I shrugged away from her a little bit, feeling slightly self conscious. "I could cover it. If it was something you want to do."

"Edward, I could never ask that from you." She said, pulsing her hand around mine. "Plus, it's not like I hate what I do now; I like it, I enjoy it. Grad school and all of that is just like James says, 'a waste of time for an impractical degree.'"

"But if it's something you wanted, and I was offering it to you..." as your husband, I wanted to add. But I didn't. I let my sentence trail off.

"I wouldn't be able to accept something like that from you." She looked up at me and I saw my favorite smile on her face. She was looking at me like she loved me, and I never wanted to forget this moment. "I love that you are even thinking you would, but I couldn't." She told me, pulling her hand from mine so that she could wrap her arm around me. "I think you were right, though."

I squeezed my arm around her side, "Hm? About what?"

"We should wait to have kids." She placed a slow kiss on my chest over my tee shirt. "I want a few years where I can be selfish and monopolize all of your time." I could feel her grinning against me, and I could have squealed, I was so happy. "And pretend every day when we get home from work is Sunday."

I laughed, and spun her around to walk back toward her building, "baby nothing will ever change the way I feel about you. Just you and me or the 15 of us, you'll always be the best thing in my world."

"For me too. But I just want our world to be population two for a few years before I pop out a dozen children."

I kissed her hair again, "You can have forever like that, if it's what you want." She didn't say anything; just sighed into my shoulder and kept walking. "Did I say something, love?" My blood went cold when I realized what could be going through her head right now.

She sighed, and I could almost feel her growing distant. "No, I guess we never really talked about if you even want kids. I just starting spewing garbage about wanting them with you, and then everything at your family's lake house happened..."

I was trying to keep up with her, but in my hazy state it was a little difficult. "What everything? Everything with the baby?" Ouch. That kind of stung.

She stiffened immediately, and I felt like a complete ass. "Yeah. With the baby." She replied coldly.

I sighed and pulled her down onto the curb with me. My legs hurt and I couldn't walk anymore, and she was obviously not happy. I kept her wrapped tightly in my arms. "Bella, there will be others, if you want them."

"It's fine. Let's just... not talk about this, okay?" She asked, not looking up at me. "Let's talk about something else."

I kissed her forehead, and sighed. "Thanks for taking care of me. It was nice."

"No thanks necessary. I always want to be the person to take care of you, Edward." Bella looked up at me through her lashes and gave me a small smile. "We're a team."

I smiled at her, running my hands up and down her sides. "We are, aren't we?" She nodded and leaned in to kiss me softly. "But love my half of the team is exhausted. Did you want me to stay, or did you need to get ready for..." I couldn't say his name. I couldn't think of my Bella with him. "Tomorrow?"

"Can you stay?"She asked with a laugh, "If you couldn't tell, I'm not a big fan of you leaving."

I sighed, trying to lift her, but in my weakened state I couldn't hold her for very long. She let us into her apartment where she began removing my clothes. "Bella, I can always stay with you."

"You can?" She asked as her eyebrow shot to her hair line.

I looked from side to side as she lifted my sweatshirt over my head. "...yeah."

"What about Tanya's? Don't you have to go back eventually?"

I nodded, pushing my pants off of my hips to follow her into bed. "To leave her."

She looked down, a small smile playing at her lips as she undressed. "Oh."

I curled up with her after a moment, sniffling. "I meant it, Bella. I meant every word."

She crawled into bed and put her head on my chest."Tomorrow, I'm going to end it with James."

My fucking heart almost stopped beating. I was so happy I could cry. I sniffled again, "You are?"

She splayed her fingers on my stomach and started tracing small patterns on my skin. "Mhm, when I see him for dinner tomorrow night."

I pressed my fingers into her bare back and watched the pink lines they left behind. I kissed her forehead. "And it's what you want? You're not just doing it for me?"

"I'm doing it to be with you. Because you're what I want."

I spread my fingers over her back, pressing her into me then leaned over to shut off the light. "I love you, Bella."

She hummed in acknowledgment and snuggled against me. "Mmm, love you too."

I sighed, groaning a little at the uncomfortable ache in my chest. I felt Bella shift against me, then she started rubbing my chest. Then it all became clear.

Bella would help me.

Bella would fix it.