Chapter 13

"Did you get my message? I want to go to the beach tonight. I wanted to tell you something important."

"Yeah I'm free. Why do you look so worried?"

"Hmm? No, I'm…it's nothing! Just that, it's really important, that's all. Make sure you come on time! I don't like waiting."

"I always leave on time. It's not my fault the bus is late."

"Don't make excuses with me. You can always check the bus schedule, can't you? I mean it, Syaoran. Be there on time? For me?"

"Stop worrying already Yuki. I'll be there, I'll be there."

::::::::::

Syaoran woke to the sound of loud raindrops splattering against the windowpanes. With blurred eyes, he sat up and absently looked at the grey clouds covering the sky. Autumn had finally arrived and gloomily so. It was usually at this time in the year where he dreamed more and more of Yuki. Of course, since this was around the time that she passed away. He remained still in his bed, staring blankly at the ceiling. Though a lot of time had gone by, the pain was still there, hovering above his chest. It came especially when he dreamed of her too.

When his phone rang, Syaoran picked it up and squinted to see the caller ID. Sakura – Princess -. A small smile came onto his face. Thinking of her never failed to make him feel better. He'd given her the nickname on his cellphone after that conversation they'd had about prince charmings.

"Hey."

"Hi." Cough. "This is Tomoyo's fault," she managed before going on a coughing fit.

He sat up immediately. "What the hell happened to you?"

"She wanted me to go with her to Tokyo Disney with an ex-boyfriend, her first love. Well, I know Tomoyo still loves him, but she doesn't want to admit it. Anyway, it's a long story. We ended up staying so late last night and I didn't get home until past one…then I woke up at 5 because I couldn't stop coughing."

After hearing the third set of coughs, he stood, a little annoyed. "Why aren't you taking care of yourself better? Dammit, Sakura." He grabbed a change of clothes from his drawer and his towel hanging on the back of his door. "I'll be there in half an hour."

"What? No, you don't have to-"

He hung up the phone and took a quick shower.

…

Sakura frowned up at him as she took two coughing pills and downed them with water. He continued giving her the reprimanding stare, even as she gathered herself at the corner of the couch, tucked within a thick blanket.

"I only have a cough, not a fever."

"It leads to a fever if you don't take care of it properly." He sat down beside her. "Since we met, you've never gotten sick. How'd you get so weak?"

Sakura moaned in annoyance. "I don't know. My head hurts from coughing too much."

He studied her flushed face and her watery eyes. She looked so vulnerable and it was an incredibly unfamiliar sight. Despite the fact that she wasn't looking her best, an odd feeling coursed through him. That same feeling that he felt when he kissed her the first time or when she'd run into the office looking like a wet puppy dog. The fact that she was sick and carrying some ugly virus should have turned him off, but instead, he pulled her into his arms and held her tenderly.

"Sorry, this is the best I can do."

Though she was about to protest, she was too exhausted to push him away. "You shouldn't be so near me, Syaoran…I'm going to get you sick too." She closed her eyes and burrowed in the warmth of his body. "But I'm really happy you came."

"You knew I'd come if you called," he accused lightly.

She shook her head. "I didn't want you to though. I'm getting sleepy."

"Take a nap. I'll be here."

Syaoran glanced up at the clock and noted that it was just past noon. Thankfully he and Sakura had eaten an hour earlier with a healthy lunch that he'd prepared. He glanced down at the light brown bob of hair under his chin. Unable to help himself, he pressed his lips to the top of her head, feeling the pulsing warmth of her skin. He rubbed her arm several times in comfort.

::::::::::

"The first time I saw you, I thought you were the loneliest person alive. I thought, 'I really need to befriend this guy!' He's got nobody around him."

"I remember that. You wouldn't stop following me until I finally gave up and let you say your piece."

"Yeah! Those were the days, huh?"

"Why are you bringing up old stuff, Yuki? These days are pretty good too."

"Mm…I guess so."

"So, what's that important thing you wanted to talk about?"

Syaoran carefully looked into Yuki's eyes. He saw tears. Not once since he'd known her had he ever seen tears in her eyes. Shocked, he could only stare helplessly. He felt an inkling of worry of what this might be that she needed to speak with him.

"Did someone hurt you? What happened? Tell me."

"I…" Yuki stared off to the sea, her eyes unwavering. She stopped talking for a long moment, just staring off into space. "Even though I'm like this, I'm really okay. You have to remember that."

"What? You…what's wrong?"

::::::::::

When he woke, he saw the top of Sakura's head still leaning on his chest. He stirred, beginning to feel his muscles ache. Sleeping in that position was really bad for the back. He groaned lightly and moved in order to get out of the sofa. Once he did without waking her up, Syaoran positioned her carefully on the couch then went to the bathroom.

He stared at himself in the mirror. That day at the beach felt, to the 22-year-old Syaoran, like the end of the world.

"I'm sick. The kind of disease I have, Syaoran, it's not something common. It stays dormant in the body for a long time. When I had my blood checked a few months ago, my doctor said something was really wrong with my blood cell count and my immune system wasn't working properly. He said…half a year, at the most."

Syaoran threw cold water on his face.

"I wrote you a letter. I know it's stupid and corny, but I put it in a bottle and buried it over there. Don't open it until…until I'm not here anymore. This is the last time I step foot on this beach, you know. That's why I wanted you here. The last time I get to be in my favourite place in the world, I'm glad it's with you."

When he walked out of the bathroom, he returned to the living room and quietly watched Sakura's sleeping form. How did she become so important to him in a short amount of time? He'd known her for a long time, yes, but neither of them had felt anything special towards the other until mere months ago.

The last time he'd let himself fall was with Yuki and since then, he'd made a personal promise never to do it again. Yet here he was now, on the verge of falling for someone else. The fear was strong. Especially now, when he couldn't help but recall all the memories he'd had with his first love. Trying hard to fight the feeling of panic, he walked over to the couch and crouched down in front of Sakura. Gently, he pushed back strands of hair that fell over her face.

Slowly her eyelids lifted, and the green eyes he loved to look into, focused on him. "Syaoran…"

"How are you feeling?"

"Have you been watching me sleep all this time?"

He let out a small smile. "I fell asleep too, but…for a few minutes, yeah I was."

"Did I drool?"

"No, but that would've been great. I would've taken a picture for revenge." He chuckled when she sat up and took a jab at his stomach. "I'm not kidding."

"Ugh I know." With messy hair, Sakura touched her head briefly. "What time is it?" She felt the medicine wear off as the back of her throat began to itch. She gave into it and coughed consecutively three times.

"Just before 4."

Sakura could see that underneath that easy smile was sadness. Even in his eyes, there was a hint of it. Feeling her heart grow heavy at the sight, she stood up and touched his cheek hesitantly. Despite her grogginess, she could still sense it.

"What's wrong?"

He gazed at her for a long moment, just looking into her eyes. He wasn't good at communicating how he felt with words. He merely rested his forehead against hers.

"I'm just glad you're okay."

Sakura let out a silent sigh. It must have hurt him more to see someone in pain, simply because it was a painful reminder of Yuki's own suffering. Unable to hide the disappointment that he wouldn't open up to her more, Sakura stepped away. Somewhat feeling anxious, she raked a hand through her hair. "Yuki…you're thinking about her?"

He met her gaze sharply.

Weary, she shook her head to indicate she didn't need an answer. "When you get that look on your face, there's really only one reason why." Sakura coughed.

Silence was her reply.

"It's okay. I won't ask anymore," she murmured.

As much as he wanted to tell her, hell, as much as he needed to, there was just that undeniable fear stopping him. That same stupid fear that he would drive her away by telling her everything. She had no idea what this had done to him – Yuki and all the other emotional baggage that came with her death. He wasn't stupid; women could be understanding about old lovers to a point. If Sakura knew about the letter, about all those memories of Yuki that were permanently there stuck in his brain, she would realize just how far he was from perfect. How could anybody really love someone so broken?

He wouldn't tell her anything to jeopardize what they had together, not when she was the only important person in his life now. He couldn't lose her. Otherwise, what would happen to him?

:::::::::

Sakura let her head fall forward as the hot water soaked through her hair. It had been a rough week, what with her getting a cold soon after her cough. Syaoran had been sweet and even mother-like in that he'd watched over her meticulously over seven days to make sure she didn't get a fever. He'd practically lived in her house in that time frame, picking her up in the morning and staying with her until very late at night. There were some nights she'd let him stay and sleep at the couch.

And while she was grateful and appreciated his presence, she could sense the distance. It was like he was slowly pulling himself away. It wasn't obvious, not outwardly at least. Even when she was sick, he would give her a kiss on the forehead or a hug here and there. It was more the words between them, or lack of it. Most of the time, he just stared at her or stared off somewhere. She would talk about random things and he listened, but his attention, she could tell, wasn't entirely on her.

Was she the one at fault here, being so demanding of his attention and time? She didn't know.

Sakura grabbed a towel and wrapped it around her body. Why did a horrible feeling settle in her? She began to think that if Syaoran was given a chance to choose between Yuki and her, he would still pick Yuki. It hurt to entertain those kinds of thoughts. It made her feel awful for being jealous of someone who was already gone.

As she stepped out of the bathroom, her cellphone rang in her bedroom. Quickly she ran to it and held it against her ear. "Syaoran?"

"Sakura, I won't be around for the weekend. Some friends from university want to have a gathering in Osaka, so I'm going over for a few days to hang out with them."

"Really? Will you be back by Monday then?"

"Yeah, I should be. I'll call you if something else comes up. Take care of yourself."

"I will. Thanks for taking care of me, Syaoran. I feel much better," she offered quietly.

"Well, that's what I'm here for right?" The silent pause came. "Don't…"

The sadness filled her senses at the thought that she wouldn't see him at all for the entire weekend. They had practically spent every day together since they began dating. She had gotten so used to him being there. "Hmm?"

"Don't go falling in love with some guy while I'm gone," he warned.

Sakura felt a smile come onto her face, despite the heavy ache in her heart. "How can I when you're the only one I think about?" When he chuckled in response, she grunted. "I mean it."

After a moment, he said, "I know."

She bit her lip then said, "When you're there with your friends, you'll… try and cheer up, right?"

"Yeah. It'll be good."

"Good. Okay. I guess I'll see you on Monday."

"Ok. I'll miss you."

Sakura lifted a hand to her heart at the thud. "Me too." When she hung up the phone, she pressed it against her chest.

::::::::::

"Why do you always have to be in a bad mood every time I ask you to come out?" Eriol Hiiragizawa asked. His navy blue eyes reflected weariness as he stared down at the purple-haired beauty standing in front of him.

She met his stare levelly. "Because I haven't forgiven you yet. You're going to have work your butt off to get me to warm up to you again, buddy."

"So you're saying I should just count my blessings that you decided to go to this two-day trip to Osaka with me?"

"Exactly." Tomoyo sat down on her seat right beside the window. "Besides, don't forget that I have family in Osaka. I didn't come to spend 48 hours with you." She passed him her backpack to place on the cabinets. "So be honest with me, Eriol, why didn't you find anybody worth marrying in Paris?"

Though he was tired of facing this interrogation for almost two months, Eriol still felt buried under a sea of guilt and remorse. He knew that the only way he could keep from drowning was to put up with this snooty, awful attitude Tomoyo constantly projected in front of him, because even with that attitude, he still loved her to the bone.

"How could I when I'm obviously still in love with you?"

The words stirred her heart uncomfortably. She looked out the window. Stay strong, Tomoyo! You can't let this guy walk all over you again. "Those words aren't enough anymore, you know that, right?"

As Tomoyo studied the people walking on the train station platform, going in various directions to catch the appropriate trains they were headed for, she noticed a familiar face among the crowd. She squinted because he was still a little far. When he began walking closer, her eyes almost popped out of their sockets.

"Oh my God, what is he doing here?" She blurted out loud, almost splattering her face against the window.

Startled, Eriol jumped from his seat. "Huh? What? Who?"

"Syaoran Li, what are you doing at the train station? Where are you going?" She muttered to herself as she looked around for Sakura. She was nowhere in sight. "Does she even know where you are?"

Her eyes continued to follow him. Syaoran walked to the train where Tomoyo was sitting in, but stopped just in front of the steps to the doorway. He glanced up again at the signboards and as though he realized he had made a mistake, he turned around and walked to the other platform. He studied the large screen monitor once more, glanced down at something he was holding in his hand, which Tomoyo guessed was probably his ticket, then walked into the other train. Tomoyo rapidly blinked her eyes, trying to read the sign as to where that train was headed.

She frowned. Eh? Yuigahama?

:::::::::

Syaoran closed his eyes. In less than one hour, he'd be back there again. Every year he made sure to visit her on her death anniversary; it was a matter of fulfilling his duty. It was supposed to be just about paying respects to the dead rather than drowning in sorrow, but for some reason, stepping foot in that place always seemed to skew the lines closer together.

But now, as he turned his head to glance out to the scenery as it passed him, he felt different about going back. The past three years he'd gone, nobody else mattered but Yuki. Thinking of Sakura covered him with guilt.

He didn't want to lie, but the thought of telling Sakura everything was more than daunting. It was terrifying to think about, having to bear out his soul. He'd never talked about Yuki's death before, at least not the way that he knew Sakura deserved to hear. She respected his privacy enough to leave the topic alone, but it was obvious how much she wanted to know. But he was convinced she would walk away because of it, and that was the last thing he wanted.

Why does everything have to be so complicated, he asked himself wearily. Then again, it was his fault that it even got to this. He was the one sorely lacking in trust in their relationship. When everyone he learned to care about left at any moment, it became that much harder to trust the next person who came in to his life.

Syaoran took out his phone absent-mindedly and opened it. Sakura's smiling face popped up on the screen. He closed the phone. After a moment, he flipped it open again. For a long moment, all he did was look at her face.

:::::::::

Sakura sat on her couch in a daze. Hey, I just saw Syaoran at the train station. Why is he going to Yuigahama? Tomoyo had asked over the phone.

She had no answer for it.

Wasn't he going to Osaka? To meet some of his university friends for a reunion? As the questions arose in her, fat drops of tears fell on her lap. Sakura blinked rapidly, trying to push them away, but to no avail. Why did he lie? Why did he lie to her like that? Amidst the silent sobs was the one question that topped all the rest.

Why was he going back there?

:::::::::

Syaoran entered the churchyard with a bouquet of white orchids in his arms. As he walked along the concrete pathway to where Yuki was buried, he looked up at the dismal sky. It was already close to 8pm and he had yet to find a place to stay for the night. He hadn't thought about finding one, since once he'd arrived at Yuigahama, the first thing he thought to do was go directly to the cemetery, which was a good one and a half-hour bus ride from the train station. Though he was physically exhausted from the trip, his nerves were acting up. Being back here was causing enough anxiety.

Eventually he reached it. On her gravestone was written Honda Yuki. August 10, 1983 – September 15, 2006. Looking at the sight now, he guessed her parents had already come by, with new candles and fresh flowers in place. Syaoran knelt down on his knees and said a prayer first. Afterward, when he put the orchids down on the ground, Syaoran sat in front of the gravestone. He let out a deep breath. Since she'd died, he'd come and done the exact same thing. Now it had a whole different meaning.

His gaze remained fixed on her name. As though she was alive and sitting beside him, he said, "Hey Yuki."

"I'll regret it if I don't tell you now," He said, holding her shoulders firmly. "I'm…"

Yuki stared back at Syaoran with those big blue eyes, waiting. "What? You know Mom's waiting for me at home. Hurry. What is it?"

"I love you."

Her body froze in shock. The shock couldn't have been more transparent on her face.

It was like he'd been released of all this pressure inside his chest. Slowly, he let go of her and stepped back slightly, now able to think clearly. "I've been in love with you for a long time, Yuki. It took me…five years to get the courage to tell you. I'm one big coward, I know."

"W…what?" In confusion, Yuki shook her head rapidly. "Syaoran, you can't be. No, we're such good friends. How…how can you be in love with me? Y-you're probably confusing it with-"

"I'm not. I thought that at first, but…every time I see you, you do something to me. I don't know," he said, a small pained smile on his face. "Things like this, I don't think anybody can control it."

"I…" She swallowed, afraid to tell the truth. "I love you too, Syaoran. Just…not…" When he slowly nodded in return, she could see the defeat. She hugged him tightly. "Even if I don't feel the same way, you're still the only one that matters to me, do you understand? I'm not going to lose you. I won't. So please…understand me."

He wrapped his arms around her, resting his chin on top of her head. "I understand you, but I don't give up that easily. I'm just letting you know now. I promise, you're it for me. For life."

"You can't make those kinds of promises at twenty years old, you idiot," she murmured affectionately. "But I'll hold you to that promise. But IF and this is a big if. If at some point in time, I ever fall in love with you and I confess, that's when I'll release you from that promise."

"But that makes no sense. Once you're in love with me, then we can be together."

"Oh I don't know about that. You might be with someone else at that point."

"I just said I won't love anybody else. Why don't you believe me?"

"Because. No one can predict the future. What if something happens and someone else comes along and takes you away from me? Then you won't want to wait for my feelings to change and who knows where we'd be at that point?"

"Maybe I wasn't clear enough the first time. I'll always love you, I promise."