Chapter 14

On Monday morning, Sakura waited in the lobby for Syaoran to arrive. She negligently glanced at a mirror and adjusted the lapels of her jacket. She didn't know what to say to him. She had spent all of Sunday mulling over what she knew and how she felt about it, and got nowhere. Too many unanswered questions to count. Syaoran hadn't called either all weekend, which was somewhat of a relief, since she had nothing prepared. Even now, she couldn't find the right words to say the moment they saw each other again.

Syaoran parked in front of her building. He sat back against his seat, his mind completely on other things. Waiting for her to come out was almost like torture. He'd missed her like hell. He couldn't remember ever spending 48 hours so miserably. Being in Yuigahama, surrounded by memories and promises that he'd buried in his mind, wanting so badly to forget them but being unable to, was tough.

He missed her voice. He missed her face. The stupid phone had to die out and he had to be stupid enough to not bring his charger, so he couldn't even flip up that phone and just look at her picture.

At the same time, even now he couldn't even come out of this depressed state. The guilt was there, hovering like an inescapable shroud. He watched as she walked out of her building, looking prim and proper as always and he badly wanted to hold her. But he felt like he had no right to do that, not when Yuki was so present in his mind.

When Sakura sat on the passenger's seat, he started the car, buried in his own silence. And because he was too preoccupied in his own problems, he didn't notice the uneasiness in her eyes.

Ten minutes had gone by before her voice finally broke the tension. "How was the reunion?"

"It was fine." Lying like this was like poison. He hated himself for it. "How's the cold?"

"It's gone."

And the silence came looming over them again. The tension was increasing, filling up the small spaces of the car. But while both noticed it, neither could find any words to say. Upon arrival at the office parking lot, Sakura quickly got out, didn't offer an excuse and practically ran into the building without him. He himself exited the car slowly and languidly.

Syaoran stood by the car for a moment, finally realizing something was off with her. She hadn't been her usual self at all the entire ride. What was wrong with her? Why had she been so quiet?

When the possibility that she might have realized he had lied to her came at him like a lightning bolt, he swallowed. No, there was no way. If she did find out, that would be the end of them.

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A day passed. While he still picked her up in the morning and dropped her off at night, it became harder and harder to be with her. Her silence, the sullenness in her eyes, and the way she avoided him however she could throughout the day were so undeniably obvious. He was such a damn coward, he couldn't even find the guts to ask her straight out what was going on with her. Dealing with his own problems and messy emotions made it easier to avoid the topic anyway.

He'd gone to Yuigahama and not once in the entire weekend did he step foot into the beach to go look for that damned letter. He didn't even get close. He ran away again, like always, as it was every time. Her parents had been accommodating and let him stay in their house, which made his trip back there a lot more painful to endure.

Knowing he had to go back there one more time and probably have to lie to Sakura again was eating at him.

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And the quieter the days got, the angrier she became. The self-pity was replaced entirely with livid anger. The same unanswered questions remained swirling in her head. How could he have lied so openly and easily in front of her face like that? The nerve of the jerk. And it wasn't just that he lied. He went back there. Why Yuigahama? Why go to the place where he and Yuki grew up together? Was the reason so bad, so unacceptable that she wouldn't be able to take it? Was that what he was thinking? It was so damn frustrating, so upsetting.

On Wednesday afternoon, Sakura finally reached her breaking point when she caught a glimpse of Syaoran sharing a laugh with a co-worker. Very literally she had broken the pencil she was holding in half. When the last person left the office, leaving the two of them alone, she finally found her legs and sauntered over to him. He looked up.

They stared at each other for a good ten seconds in silence. Then her words came in a low voice. "You lied."

He stood slowly, his heart racing rapidly. Really it was like his world was turning grey. How did she know? "How…"

"Does that matter?" She interrupted, her fists clenched against her sides. No longer able to keep it in, she demanded, "Why? At least have the decency to tell me."

He couldn't find the words at first. Still unable to recover from the very fact that she knew, he could only stare back at her.

"Answer me! Tell me right now you jerk. Stop staring at me like I'm the one who did something wrong here." She threw punches at him mindlessly.

He grabbed her wrists. "I didn't want to hurt you."

"Bullshit. You're hurting me right now." She pulled her arms from his grip and raked a careless hand over her hair. "Why'd you go back there?"

"You really want to know?"

"Yes dammit! I'm not in the mood for games, Syaoran. Why would I ask if I didn't want to know?"

His eyes, intense and aloof, focused on her. It was almost like he'd distanced himself completely now. "I went back for Yuki. To be alone with her."

Her nerves shaking, she forced herself not to cower and cry, even when just as he said, it was painful to hear. She let out a shaky breath. "Why?"

He swore, curses running out of his mouth. Did she really want him to break her heart? Already looking at her now was heartbreaking. Why couldn't she see that he wanted to protect her from it all? He couldn't stop hurting her. Without the ability or strength to lie in front of her, he spoke with resignation. "My first love died four years ago Saturday. I was fifteen when I fell in love with her and she died after only seven years. Do you…" Syaoran swallowed, feeling as though he was suffocating. "Do you get that? She was the first person I ever loved. The first time that happened to me, it was so damn blinding. I couldn't see anything else but her. I can't just forget about her because of you."

The first teardrop leaked out of the corner of her eye. Syaoran caught it just before Sakura hastily wiped it away, refusing to give in. "I never asked you to! I'm trying to understand-"

"You'll never get it." He turned away and began pacing in a sign of his own anxiety. He couldn't stop himself. Why was he doing this? Why was he purposely hurting her?

You know why, you bastard.

Before she got the chance to walk away, he was going to do it to her first. "You won't understand. You won't be able to accept that part of me."

She shook her head immediately, pulling him back so he could face her. "You're pushing me away right now. Stop it," she cried angrily. As they looked into each other's eyes, she could see the pain in his. His heart was hurting so much. Why was he even doing this? She grabbed the collar of his shirt and forcefully brought his face up to hers. "I may not have known you as long as Yuki did, but I know your heart. I know you care. I can see it. So why are you trying to hurt me, huh? Why are you doing this?"

The questions he was asking himself, she threw right back at him. He held her fisted hands and pried them off of his shirt. With his strength, he stepped back. Ashamed of himself, he looked away. "I told you before, Sakura. I'm not your prince charming. I'm not the guy you're looking for. There's a part of me that will always be broken, no matter what you say or do. You'll never understand me."

She slapped him hard across the cheek. "You son of a bitch. You want me to lean on you, but you won't lean on me. You're not even giving me a chance. You didn't want to hurt me? That's why you're keeping all this in because you don't want to hurt me? Then why am I hurting right now?" She took an instinctive step back. "When I told you I would be there for you as long as you needed me, I meant every word." She then turned and ran out on him. As she ran down the stairs, the anger was still on the surface. "Such a hypocrite. You liar."

But once she'd reached the outside of the building, Sakura buried her face in her hands, all but falling into a ball of tears.

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When she heard knocking at her front door, Sakura opened it. Swollen, puffy red eyes greeted Tomoyo. Her own heart breaking, she gathered Sakura into her arms and lovingly rubbed her back. "It'll be okay …"

"He-he was so awful!" Sakura cried, her voice muffled. "I hate him Tomoyo. I hate him!"

"No you don't. He was just being a sorry-ass jerk, unfortunately."

When they sat on the couch, Sakura furiously swiped at her eyes. "This is our first fight, you know. And it couldn't have been more terrible. I…I think I physically abused him. I shoved him, punched him, slapped him, you name it. I was so angry. He didn't say a word to me for days. He wasn't planning on letting me know at all. I was waiting for it and it never came. You think you know someone and then they lie completely to you like that. It's…it's so disillusioning."

"I'm not siding with him, okay? I just want to try and understand too," Tomoyo clarified before Sakura could pounce on her for what she would say next. "He said he didn't want to hurt you right? Then he was probably aware that this whole thing with Yuki was bugging you so much. And he probably figured that the more you knew about his past with her, the more it would hurt you. Eventually it would make you want to walk away. That's….one theory of course."

"But why would I walk away…"

"Because everyone else in his life did," Tomoyo supplied with a soft voice. "You know when someone makes a mistake and they do that same mistake over and over and over again. Eventually, you start believing that that person will never get it right and will probably always make that same mistake?"

"He must not be able to trust anybody then," Sakura mused, sniffing into the tissue.

Tomoyo nodded. "When every single person he's let in left at some point or another, he probably got to a point where he was no longer willing to let anybody in to protect himself. I know you know this, honey. You know Syaoran more than I do. It's just that right now all you see is a red haze. Sakura…nobody's perfect, especially Syaoran. He's not prince charming. There's no prince charming. We learned this lesson from Soshi, didn't we?" She urged gently.

"Syaoran's my prince charming," Sakura argued despite that. "He's not perfect, but he's mine."

Because of how annoyingly adorable she was being at the moment, Tomoyo jumped her and almost squeezed the life out of her. "You're so stubborn. Well then…looks like I was successful to pacify you and remind you exactly how much you love this man."

"But I'm not giving in first."

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Syaoran lifted the weights as he released a heavy breath, then dropped them on the ground as his muscles gave in. When fatigue settled in, he let himself fall on a bench and took slow breaths, cooling off. His current state could only be described in one word. A mess. When he was at home, all he would do was lie in bed, staring at the ceiling like a lunatic, or sit on the couch and watch TV monotonously. So going to a nearby fitness center had been the next best choice. At least he wouldn't be alone.

But now that he had spent a good two hours in the gym, he had no choice but to go home. Reluctantly he got up.

Twenty minutes later he walked into his suite with a heavy duffel bag hanging over his shoulder. He turned on the lights and looked up, studying the kitchen. All he could see was Sakura complaining there about having to cook him food.

"Shit."

Much too miserable to even do anything but think, he set down on his living room couch, his head falling onto his hands. Damn. His eyes were stinging.

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Both Syaoran and Sakura's prides and unwillingness to back down and confront the other stood in the way for a week and a half. It had been more than silent. It had been torture; almost similar to that time when they had fought as enemies. As lovers, however, it was like torture in another level.

She'd look over at him every once in a while, and sometimes, she'd catch him looking at her. The moment would pass just as quickly as it happened. Her heart would ache as much as his did.

In the worst of moods, Sakura shoved her lunch in the microwave and stood outside the kitchen, staring blankly at the office. Why her eyes rested on Syaoran's cubicle so easily, she didn't bother asking herself. With a sigh, she looked away. When the microwave dinged, Sakura turned and bumped solidly against something hard. In a daze, she stepped back and felt her leg hit a metal trashcan. "Ah!" Just before she could trip on her own feet and fall back, the person she'd bumped into grabbed her quickly.

She stared up in astonishment. Kikuchi Makoto looked back at her with worry. "Are you okay?"

Before she could say a word, she was pulled back to her feet and pulled away from him. "She's fine," Syaoran interrupted, shoving Makoto's arms off of Sakura.

Immediately uneasy by the look Syaoran was sending at him, Makoto blinked rapidly. "Oh, okay. Sorry for bumping into you like that, Sakura!" He hurriedly walked off in another direction.

"Stop being so damn clumsy," he spoke once Makoto was gone.

"It's not like I meant for it to happen," she snapped, pulling herself together. When she looked down, she saw Syaoran's arms still binding her waist in a protective manner. Feeling her emotions rise up quickly in her throat, she pushed him away. "G-go away."

He let go of her and watched her walk back into the kitchen. Syaoran clutched his forehead in hopelessness. Really, what the hell was he doing. The last week and a half had gone by slowly and excruciatingly. He could see from her that she was going through the same thing. In all honesty it really was a funny thing between them. They'd become so dependent on each other to the point of the state beyond misery if the other was in a bad mood or nowhere to be found.

After a moment, he followed her to the kitchen. When he entered, her eyes flew to him, as wide and wary as a deer caught in headlights.

His mouth opened to say something, but no words came out.

She couldn't say anything.

He stared at her for a minute, wanting badly to go to her, yet knowing he didn't have the right. He didn't deserve her if he wasn't going to be able to apologize for everything. He'd spent all week regretting everything he'd said. The thought of breaking up was enough to tear him apart.

"I'm sorry." His head fell in defeat. "For lying. Sorry for…what I said. I didn't mean anything I said. Sorry for making you cry." He then lifted his head, his eyes sad. "I've never asked anybody this in my life. You're the first one, so…please. Don't leave, Sakura."

Because her bottom lip began to quiver, Sakura bit it immediately. Her heart was completely and unavoidably his. "Kiss me and I won't."

Syaoran reached her in less than a second and picked her up off of the floor. He held her body tight against him as he kissed her with the desperation of a man who'd been given water after enduring thirst for years. He let her down after a long moment and continued to hold her close. He didn't know how much he needed her, not until after the fight, and now he couldn't even let her go.

She pulled away first. "I missed you."

"Me too."

"I wasn't planning on leaving, Syaoran," she murmured. "Just so you know."

"So I didn't need to beg?"

"No, you didn't."

He kissed the top of her head anyway.

…

"It was her death anniversary. That's why I went back," Syaoran explained more clearly this time. "I went to go visit her and her parents."

Sitting beside him on his couch, Sakura quietly listened to his story.

"She died about a month after she turned 23. She was already pretty weak by then; couldn't walk or do anything herself. Yuki told me about her disease a few months after she saw the doctor, so we only really had 4 months, I think, to spend together. Those four months went by," he snapped his fingers, "like that." He grew silent for a moment, recalling the memories. "I never thought a person could become so weak in so short a time. Her blood was being sucked out of her, literally."

"Syaoran-" Sakura interjected after seeing the anguish in his expression.

"Don't feel bad for me. I need to tell you. You have the right to know."

She nodded then.

"Since she died, I've had a hard time sleeping. Until a few months ago, every time I closed my eyes, I could see it in my head; how she looked the moment she died. I was in the room when she reached her arm like this," he demonstrated half-heartedly, "towards me, like she wanted me to save her. I held her hand and she, uh…" Syaoran closed his eyes.

You won't forget me, right Syaoran?

When he opened his eyes, even the image of it remained etched in his mind. "She asked me not to forget her. Then she just stopped breathing. Her hand got limp and weightless for a second. Eventually it got cold. The doctor had to force me out of the room because I couldn't stop staring at her. I was willing her eyes to blink. It didn't make sense to me how somebody could be so alive one second and be so lifeless the next. Imagine having to face all that with the only person you've ever loved."

Reliving it like this hurt exactly as he had expected it to, but he'd run away from it long enough. "How'd I do?" He asked quietly, turning his head slightly to meet Sakura's eyes.

"You did good."

"You know, for four years, I never got that out. This is the first time I talked about Yuki's death."

"She's not suffering anymore. You have to remember that," Sakura said, fully convinced of it. "I really believe that she's in a better place now. She must be sad that you're still in so much pain. I think…when she asked you not to forget, she meant to take good care of the memories you guys shared together. She would've wanted you to be happy."

Syaoran looked up at the ceiling. He knew it, but it felt good to hear it from someone else. "You think so?"

"When you love someone…what you want the most is for that person to be happy right?" Sakura lightly touched his hair. "You carried a lot of pain in your heart for a long time. I'm sorry that you had to," she added in a quieter voice, pondering over it.

As Syaoran watched Sakura's face, he felt that same familiar, overwhelming feeling. Only now he realized what it was. But he knew he couldn't say the words out loud until he let go of Yuki completely. Sakura deserved to hear those words, the words women treasured so highly, in the right way.

"Let me go back," He said immediately, realizing everything now. He had to go back and say goodbye for the last time. "There's one last thing I need to do," he tried explaining. "I'll tell you everything when I come back."

Emotionally drained, she rested her head against the couch. There was more he couldn't say, but at least he was starting to open up. She had to be satisfied with that. With a slow nod, she met his gaze. For a long time, she just stared into his eyes, memorizing his every feature. Could he love her someday, she wondered? It seemed more possible now at least. That had to be enough, she said to herself.

When he held her close, she then said, "Then go."

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Alone in the dark, lying in her bed hugging a pillow to her chest, Sakura tried closing her eyes. All she saw was Syaoran. She couldn't sleep. Still filled with thoughts of him, her mind couldn't rest. She'd faced more emotions in a span of two weeks than she had ever faced in her life. To go through all this meant the feelings, the relationship, the entirety of what she and Syaoran had, was beyond what she imagined could ever exist between two people. She'd learned one important lesson about love because of him. Love brought about extreme emotions; there was no in-between. Life could either be happy and beautiful or just painful and unbearable.

She pressed her face on the pillow. Where was he now? On the train to Yuigahama? Her heart felt heavy and lonely. Now when they'd made up he'd gone back once more. Why did he have to go back so urgently like that, she wondered. Like an unfinished business almost. Why hadn't she offered to come with him?

Sakura opened her eyes and adjusted to the dark. Did she even have the right to be there and intrude in their memories? She wasn't a part of it at all. Despite his apologies, the words he'd said to her before – you'll never get it – echoed still in her ears. She knew everything he'd said reflected some truth in it. She was always going to be an outsider; someone who could never truly understand it all. It was hard to accept that. Did that mean she wasn't the right person for him?

No…no. She frowned, feeling her tears come up. Who cares if she couldn't understand it completely? Now imagining him with some other woman was impossible for her to do. He'd become hers as much as she'd become his.

At the thought of him being there in Yuigahama, alone, without anyone to lean on, Sakura sat up suddenly. For some reason, her gut feeling said that whatever Syaoran set out to do there was going to be painful. "No…I have to be there," she muttered to herself. "It doesn't matter." Even if she wasn't the right person for him, she would make it so. She was the only person for him. Quickly she got out of bed and carelessly turned on the lights. "I have to be there for him, like I said I would." With her thoughts spinning quickly she grabbed for a bag and some clothes to change into. I have to go. I have to go to him. I may not understand it all, but all that matters is he's hurting and I need to be there. How I feel doesn't matter anymore.

Her phone rang while she put on a pair of jeans. "What?" She asked hastily.

"Sakura! Can I come over tonight?" Tomoyo asked in her usual, cheerful voice.

"Not tonight. I'm going to Yuigahama."

"Eh? What? How come you're going there now too?"

"Syaoran went earlier today. I have to go after him, Tomoyo," Sakura replied hurriedly. "If I don't…" He'll end up crying alone. "I have to go. I'll talk to you later!"