3: Equilibrium

When he returns to school, Rachel comes bouncing up to him immediately.

"Finn, hi!" she exclaims, leaping into his arms and kissing him on the cheek.

"Um?" he responds, hugging her back, even though the touch of her skin on his is kind of making him want to be sick. That's not fair. He hates it whenever anyone puts a hand near him, never mind Rachel and her PDA, but he can't let it show. He knows that. If he lets it show, everyone will figure out what happened, and it'll hurt them all if they have to know. And Finn won't let that happen. He's just not that much of a douche.

It's not fair, but what can you do?

"Sorry," she says, pulling back. "Just, you know me. How was your weekend?"

Finn's lips go tight. "Fine."

"Boring?"

"Pretty much."

She nods, blissfully ignorant. "Okay. My dads have sought out a new class for me to attend; it's basically focused on those who want to do Broadway, with a bit more of an emphasis on the acting area. I think it could really do me good; I have trained by voice with a near-religious conviction, but I'm not sure I have worked enough on my ability to act if I'm going to follow my goals."

Finn nods, a little intimidated. "Sounds awesome," he says. Rachel's like that; she's so headstrong and enthusiastic and decided about everything, it scares him a little. Most of the time he doesn't even know what he should have for lunch.

If Rachel found out what happened, it would destroy her. She'd dedicate everything she had to making Sam pay; she'd forget herself and lose the chances she's always working so hard for. She'd invest so much in what happened that she'd never be able to see him without it again, she'd worry so much about hurting him, and it would ruin what they have. This town would crush her dads, and that would break her heart, he knows that.

He loves her. He's not going to do that to her; any of it. Fuck.

She smiles. "I know. It will, however, occupy some time... Saturday evenings and Friday afternoons. I know, we do a lot of stuff around then, but this is... kind of important to me. You understand, right?"

He nods quickly. "Yeah. I get it, really. We'll do stuff at other times, Rachel; I know the way you get about this arts stuff. I can't wait to see you act."

"There's going to be a small production in a few months, so you better enjoy," she says, gently snaking her hand down to hold his. He can't help it. He jerks his hand away, not missing the vague hurt look in her eyes. They go still in the corridor, her staring at him, and he kind of feels like he's being interrogated.

He takes in a deep breath, closing his hand on her forearm. "Hey. I love you, you know that?"

She beams. "You've said it a few times," she says. "I love you too."

He doesn't want to – holding her arm through the cloth makes him feel like there are bugs crawling all over him, and ew – but he leans forward, and kisses her softly on the forehead. "I've gotta get to Bio. See you."

She waves as he goes. He has to keep things normal, right now. For her. For everyone.

Finn is either dumb or desperate enough to forget it's a Monday for a while – and he has football practice after school. He managed to avoid Sam throughout the school day, but football practice – the guy will be there. Working with him. Playing the game with him. Being in the locker room with him.

Like everything's fine.

Finn barely manages to force himself to go to practice, but the more responsible half of him wins out. After all, if he started skipping practice, people would get suspicious, and anything that even risks people finding out...

So he goes. He's the last one there, while a few of the guys say hi and a few just roll their eyes. Sam tries to smile at him, and Finn looks at the ground sullenly, kind of nauseous all of a sudden.

"So. The great quarterback decides to show," Coach Tanaka says, catching his eye. "We finally worthy of your presence, Princess?"

Finn looks back up. "Sorry coach," he says sheepishly. "I had... stuff."

Coach Tanaka is usually a pretty good guy, but he kind of got worse since that whole mess with Ms. Pilsbury. Finn's like seventy percent sure Tanaka kind of hates him because Schue likes him. Which is like, totally unfair, but whatever.

A few of the guys start to break into homophobic slurs and their usual bullshit, but they're easily quietened down by Sam's eyebrow raise and subtle clenching of his fist. It's been that way for a while – whenever the guys spread shit, Sam would threaten them into shutting up, because even if he is gay, Sam's still one of their best players and big enough to be really fucking scary. It's made a lot of people's lives a lot easier, including Finn's.

If he said anything, everything would go back to normal. Sam wouldn't shut people up if he was locked in jail forever. Everything would be worse.

He mostly manages to avoid the guy through most of practice, even though Sam keeps trying to catch his eye. Finn's got a theory – if he doesn't look at Sam, he doesn't have to admit Sam still exists. And if he doesn't admit Sam still exists, he's not going to throw up all over everything.

It's all fine until they get to the locker rooms, and they have to... God. But Finn does it, because if he doesn't they'll know, and...

He can't. He just can't.

He thinks he can feel Sam's eyes on him, examining him, watching what he took. But it's not until they're getting dressed again after the showers that Finn's eyes get caught on his own form, looking down. He can't understand why Sam did it. When he looks at his body, he can't see how he's anything special – least of all something Sam would risk prison for. He's certain there's got to be something; some kind of reason under the pale bruises he can barely see, but fuck knows what.

"Dude, Hudson," someone says, snapping him back to reality. "Put your fucking clothes on. If you're trying to make the resident queer want you like this, it ain't gonna work."

And Finn doubles over, coughing and gagging and spluttering. He can't breathe. He can't breathe.

"Finn!"

"Dude, Hudson?"

"You fucking idiot!" Finn vaguely hears Sam's voice ring out, giving one of the guys a shove. "Fuck! Finn, are you okay? Can you hear me?"

Sam is right there, getting in his face, and Finn starts squirming away and whimpering – right now, he doesn't give a fuck that it's pathetic and suspicious, he just wants out.

"All of you, fuck off!" someone bellows out. It takes a few moments for Finn to realize that was Puck.

"Dude, what do you think – I mean, is he–

"He'll be just fucking fine, if you all leave," Puck says. "Go. Before I smash your brains in."

There are rolled eyes and mumblings of 'those two have always been queer for each other, man', but everyone files out. Finn starts to regain his breath, collapsing onto the bench. He feels safer with Puck here, and that might be the least manly thing he has ever thought.

And plus, Puck. Who knocked up his girlfriend. What the fuck?

"You are such a girl, Hudson," Puck says, drawing Finn's attention.

"I know," Finn says, forcing a smile, although his voice comes out croaky and hoarse. Puck frowns.

"Dude, you okay?"

Finn nods. "Yeah. It's just like, this lung thing going on. I get these crazy spells. It's weird."

Puck frowns. "Dude, that sucks."

Finn nods. "Yeah. You can... let all the guys back in, now. I'll be okay."

Puck shrugs. "Nah. I'd rather hang the fuckers out to dry. They're all dressed and shit, we were all leaving, it's just gonna piss 'em off. And those assholes deserve whatever they get."

Finn smiles, and it's not all that forced. "Thanks."

Puck sits down beside him. "You want me to stay with you, man? In case, like, this thing happens again?"

Finn snorts. "And you say I'm a girl," he says. Then he pauses. "Yeah. Yes. Please."

Puck shrugs and nods. They sit there in silence, and Finn is suddenly struck by the urge to break down, to confess, to tell Puck everything and say 'Be the good best friend – help me!' But he doesn't. He can't. If he tells Puck everyone will find out, and the whole balance that is keeping his world in check will be thrown out the window.

This isn't fair this isn't fair this isn't fair.

They just sit there for a while, and Puck doesn't say anything that makes Finn feel any better. But he doesn't leave, and that's something.

Once Finn drags himself out (he's pretty sure he wasn't really in there for as long as he feels he was), Sam manages to catch up to him. Finn does his best not to throw up, but starts walking faster.

"Hey, Finn! Can we talk?"

Finn stops walking, at least partially because his legs kind of feel like they're about to give out from under him. He turns to Sam with the most normal voice he can manage. "Talk about what?"

Because that's his plan. Nothing happened. Everyone needs to believe that to keep the world in check, and so Finn has to keep everyone believing it. Nothing happened. He can make it true, and if there's another guy who knows about it, well, Finn's just has to convince him too.

Sam bites his lip. "About what happened back there... and last Saturday... Look, I'm sorry, okay? I was dumb. I shouldn't have done it. I don't blame you for freaking a bit."

Finn looks away. Well, he hasn't talked him away from knowing so far. "I don't know what you're talking about," he says, refusing to acknowledge those tears at the back of his eyes. Because if he's going to convince anyone – especially Sam – that nothing happened, he needs to start believing it.

Sam actually smiles. "Thanks," he says. "What's done is done, right? No use talking. Let's just forget it, right?"

Finn forces himself to look up. "Yeah," he says, nodding along mindlessly.

"So you won't tell Kurt?"

Finn shakes his head. "No, of course not."

And Sam breaks into a motherfucking grin. "Thanks. Seriously, Finn; you really are awesome."

Sam slaps him on the arm, and Finn wants to shriek or bawl like a girl. He doesn't do either, but he does jump away from the touch. Sam doesn't notice, and as he walks away, Finn is filled with a sinking feeling that he's made one of the biggest mistakes of his life.