Two days later…
Trust.
Trust is sacred,
The team was built on earned trust.
Tim's mind seemed stuck with those three statements on constant replay when he woke up the next morning. He lay in bed quietly trying to push away the last vestiges of sleep and thought back to the last couple of days he had spent with Pam; if truth be told, he missed not waking up with her wrapped in his arms and reached out one arm to the empty space beside him. He had no idea how long he lay there, but he didn't move a muscle and let his mind to go where it wanted to for the first moments of wakefulness. The first thing that seemed to filter into his sleep fuddled brain was Pam's advice about trust that she had offered freely as they talked.
"Tim your team is stronger than you think. But, you keeping this from them and not letting them in on something that's affecting all of them; is what will ultimately tear it apart. You need to realize that. You, of all people, know how much trust and honesty means to every single person on your team. That's what you need to focus on, Honey. Keeping that trust and honesty alive. This secret mission you're on to hold this in; is only gonna hurt you and your team; the very people you're trying to protect!"
"You know if Tony finds out you're sacrificing your good name and your job's excellent standing for someone else's he's gonna go through the roof. If you want to hold on to any chance of staying close-knit; you need to let Tony in. He's a big boy; he can handle what he does with it without losing his job. Ziva can too. We all know she's been through much, much worse and come out on top. Besides, do you really want to risk losing her friendship in exchange for trying to protect her?"
"But, their relationship with Gibbs…"
"Is something they can deal with. Trust me, they're capable"
Tim sat up suddenly when he realized that Pam's advice possessed the common sense that was desperately wanted in this situation and was something that he needed to do, listen to and do something with. He'd lived under the mushroom cloud of self-doubt, deeply rooted in the belief that he never measured up, for so long, that having someone else not only understand exactly where he was coming from, but encouraging him to stand up for himself and to fix the problem instead of tucking it away from the light of day, was taking some getting used to.
Still, he'd feel better about his sudden desire to unburden his worries to Tony and Ziva if he ran it by Ducky first. After all, Ducky was the epitome of discretion and would be able to avoid any trouble by keeping what he was told to himself. In fact, over the years, apparently, each successive Director counted on the M.E. to act in that capacity of unofficial confident, without them even realizing that they had done so.
Decision made, Tim lay there and thought back to the night before last; the very night that Pam stayed over and the two of them talked nonstop until the small hours of the morning before going to bed and falling asleep wrapped in each other's arms. Somehow it had just been so right doing that and Tim found himself wishing that they could fall asleep like that every night; bodies entwined and both joined by something that superceded the physical needs…., Love.
It was a deep rooted respect for each other that made them content with the others company and at this stage, they wanted nothing more than to simply spend time with each other. Yesterday though, Pam had to go home and Tim found his bed too large and strangely cold. He sighed heavily and got out of bed to get showered and changed before picking up his cell to make the calls he needed to in order to set the ball in motion. He'd deliberately left the situation alone and left his teammates alone for the last two days figuring everyone needed the space to breathe.
"You have reached the voicemail of Dr. Mallard. I apologize for not being able to answer your call at the moment. Please be so kind as to leave your message and a way for me to return your important call. Thank you. "
"Ducky, its Tim. Can you give me a call when you get this? Don't worry, it's not an emergency or anything, I just need to talk to you so I need to find out when would be a good time for you. Thanks."
Disappointment flooded through him at not being able to talk to Ducky whilst he had the courage to do so but still managed to hold on to some hope of fixing things. Not to be discouraged from what he was doing, Tim tried to call Pam.
"You have reached the voicemail of Pam Cook. I'm sorry I'm not able to answer your call right now. Please leave your name, number and a brief message and I'll return your call as soon as I can. Thank you and have a great day."
Biting down on his frustration, Tim left her a message.
"Hey, Honey, it's me. I've decided that you're right about talking to Tony and Ziva but I want to talk to Ducky, first, though. And that's not because I don't have faith in your advice because you know how much I need Ducky to know exactly what's going on before I talk to the rest of them, for their sakes as well as my own. I love you and I wanted to thank you for some of the best times I've ever had. I have to admit though that even though we've had some fantastic times in the last month; these last two days with you have been more special than anything and for that I thank you. I love you and will talk to you later. Bye."
With frustration mounting, Tim suddenly felt like he needed to take this one last shot at getting through to someone, even if it was just to tell them he'd call them back later.
"Hi, you've reached the voicemail of one very special Anthony DiNozzo, Jr. I'm not able to answer your call right now. Please leave your name, number and the reason for your call and I'll call you back as soon as I can."
"You've got to be kidding me!" Tim muttered whilst waiting for the beep that told him he could leave his message.
"Hey, Tony. We need to talk. But, I need to talk to Ducky first, all right? Can you clear your schedule so we can talk as soon as I've talked to him? Oh and will you tell Ziva, I'm not trying to keep anything from her, I just need to talk to you first. Thanks. Bye."
Tim felt dread rise up within him at what he had to do next and wanted nothing more than to sink further and further into his mattress as he sat there thinking about the phone call that he had to make.
"Well, I might as well get this next part over, while I'm at it."Tim told himself and hit yet another button on the phone. Now was the time to bite the bullet and so he prepared to rat himself out about the traffic ticket he'd skated free on by using his position with the Agency.
Gibbs' nerves were on edge and were currently sitting on par with his anger; both emotions left him hanging on to his temper by the tips of his fingers and it was something that left him silently seething to himself. This new case that had just been dumped on them, in addition to the one they were already working, made him less pleasant to be around than his usual stressed out self and as the team barreled down the freeway after the lunatic who'd decided that running from the feds was a smart idea; his cell phone rang.
"Damn it!" He angrily snatched up his phone off the dash and curtly answered it without looking at the caller ID like he usually did.
"Yeah. Gibbs."
"Boss, I need to talk to you about….." Tim started to say quietly.
"Not, now, we're in the middle of something important." Gibbs snapped out and abruptly cut Tim off mid-sentence as he ended the call by snapping his cell phone shut. His frustration mounted to an unmanageable level and he tossed his phone to Tony who caught it and out of sheer curiosity, tried to check the most recent call.
"DiNozzo, what the hell are you doing?" Gibbs demanded question seemed to echo through the car.
"Boss, that last call…"
"Does it look like I have time to talk to anyone right now?"
"Did you know who it was?"
"Nope. It sounded like McGee." Tony and Ziva were jolted sideways as Gibbs turned sharply. Tony fumbled with the phone as the movement made him lose his grip momentarily.
"Oh, God." Tony said with worry when he finally managed to stop the phone from dropping on the floor and checked the information on the phone. The recent call log blatantly showed that his Probie was indeed the last caller. "Yeah, Gibbs. It was."
"What's your point?"
"McGee finally reached out to you." Tony spelled out quietly as the ramifications of that action was left hanging in the air between them.
"Not exactly the right time for this conversation, DiNozzo. In case you haven't noticed, we're kinda in the middle of chasing this dirt bag down." Gibbs bit out angrily as he sped through the roads of Washington DC as if he was on a racetrack. The knowledge that Tony was right and Tim had finally reached out to him unsettled him further and he found himself feeling less than happy at this sudden turn of events. Gibbs knew that with his luck, he'd just pushed Tim further away than he already had which was the last thing Gibbs wanted or needed.
Tim had to stop himself from hurling his phone across the bedroom as his anger rose. He shut his phone and dropped it onto the bed before going down to the living room and plopping himself down in his chair. As he sat there thinking about what had happened, he found himself staring moodily into nothingness as his previous flare of optimism and resolution evaporated completely leaving nothing but frustration and pained resignation in its' place. Who was he kidding? Nothing ever fell into place this easily for him; with the exception of dating Pam of course; that was quite possibly the only thing that was going right in his life. He realized now, more than ever that even his relationship had been a fluke and he'd most likely wind up doing something stupid to screw that up too. Curling up in a ball of sheer abject misery, he drifted off to sleep, unaware that he'd even been tired in the first place.
"Call him back." Gibbs softened his tone as guilt began steadily pouring in. Tony was right, it couldn't have been any worse between himself and Tim; especially with this miscommunication that lingered between them now.
Tony hit the redial button for Tim's number and listened to the continued ringing before the voicemail kicked in.
"This is Tim McGee. I'm sorry I can't take your call right now. Please leave your name and number and I will get back to you as soon as I can. Thanks for your call."
Tony could kill his boss for ignoring that call; sure there was a valid reason but he could have just told his Probie that he'd call him back as soon as he could rather than being waspish with the man. He bit back his temper and left a message.
"Probie, Boss man was driving when you called just now and we're chasing a psycho Mario Andretti, but he said to tell you he's sorry about the miscommunication that just happened between you two. He wants you to call him back later on, when we've had time to work on this case and get back to the office, all right? Call me too, man because I'm kinda worried about ya."
Tony snapped the phone shut and set it down in the cup holder between him and Gibbs. He didn't look at his boss and sat watching the scenery whoosh by as they raced to catch the perp. He was struck by a nagging feeling that wouldn't let go and reached into his pocket to pull out his own phone. He could feel Ziva's eyes on him from where she sat silently in the back seat but ignored her questioning eyes burning into the back of his head so he could check for any messages that might have been left. The reason for the nagging feeling was simply a case of it had dawned on him that he hadn't heard from Tim like Gibbs just had. For some reason, he had started thinking he'd missed his friend's call even though he had it set firmly in his mind that he was working with wishful thinking that Tim would try to reach out to him and let him in on what was going on in that super brain of his. The surprise as finding a missed call from Tim was soon replaced by a harsh irritation.
"Damn it!" Tony muttered and lowered the open phone down to his lap.
"Problem, Tony?" Ziva asked with a touch of concern. Had the topic he and Gibbs had just been discussing been anything different than what it had been, she would have been making fun of him about his attitude. But, this situation was far from funny and the fact that Tim had been the only one to show her any kind of respect when she started sparked a deep set sympathy for her friend.
"Guess my phone volume was down too low, don't know how the hell that happened but I just missed a call from McGee." Tony said as he absently as he hit the speakerphone button so Ziva could hear what Tim had to say as well. She'd been just as worried about him and it seemed only right that she be privy to what he had said.
"Hey, Tony. We need to talk. But, I need to talk to Ducky first, all right? Can you clear your schedule so we can talk as soon as I've talked to Ducky? I'd really appreciate it. Oh and will you tell Ziva, I'm not trying to keep anything from her, I just need to talk to you first. Thanks. Bye."
******
As Tim's voiced message resounded through the car, the three of them quieted down. It was as it every single one of them had been plunged head first into ice water and it was that feeling that stunned them all into silence. It sharpened the pain of what Tim must be going through and they all knew that the fact that he had finally reached out meant that the feeling of him standing on the outside looking in and not being able talk to them about what was on his mind, was finally progressing into something that resembled trust; trust that could have quite possibly been shattered by the response he had just gotten with the phone calls. Tony glanced up and realized that he couldn't see the guy they were chasing and looked over at Gibbs. The look on his boss' face told him what he needed to know; they had lost the guy.
"Tony, check with the local LEO's. See if they caught this bastard we're chasing yet." Gibbs directed as he got his team refocused on what they were doing; despite the fact that he was silently upset with Tim's sanctioned absence, too.
Knowing now, that the young man obviously hadn't talked to any of them about what was going on with him yet, only heaped on the feeling that he was somehow missing an important clue as to what was going on with his youngest agent. He wished he knew what it was that he wasn't seeing but, even more, he wished like hell, he'd taken that couple more seconds to hear the young man out and left the chase to the LEO's. In short, regret was sitting in his gut like a dead weight and he didn't know what he could do to get Tim to open up to him again.
Tony felt a spark of resentment towards Gibbs but did as the boss directed by trying to turn his attention back to the case at hand. He silently hoped that Tim was okay and that the sad turn of events between Probie and the boss wouldn't work too far against the progress in getting to the bottom of things or getting them worked out. Giving himself a mental shake, his mind finally did what it was supposed to and slowly focused back on the case.
Ziva remained silently concerned. Knowing Tim's penchant for taking things much more personally than most people realize; she was left silently hoping that what had just happened between Tim and Gibbs, coupled with the missed contact with Tony, didn't get in the way of getting the information that they needed to help Tim. She wouldn't admit it to anyone, but Ziva missed her friend and desperately wanted him back at work, where he was happy to be doing the job he loved.
She was torn out of her thoughts briefly when Gibbs veered sharply to the right and she saw the guy they were chasing up ahead. As they barreled down the side streets that their maniac dirt bag had attempted to escape on; each person drifted back into their own thoughts and found it difficult to focus on the case at hand, it was something that they all had to fight on and tried desperately to refocus on what they were doing.
Tim woke up feeling groggy and disorientated. What the hell was he doing sleeping again? Hadn't he gotten a good night's sleep? Thinking back over the morning, he realized that he'd allowed himself to think himself into a tired funk that had allowed him to use sleep as an escape for the tempest swirling in his mind. Shaking it off, he got up and decided to take another shower in hope that it would clear his mind because he needed to stay with the program as much as possible; something which meant keeping his brain sharp and staying in shape. With that personal decision made, Tim began to mentally put together a list of things to do with his day and by the time he was dressed and heading out the door, he had enough planned out to eat away at the remaining day time hours.
As he got down to his car and unlocked it, he realized he left his phone back up in his bedroom and had to retrace his steps to get it. Not bothering to check it for any missed calls since he wasn't expecting any, Tim tossed it into the passenger seat of his car and drove himself to his first stop; the local Y where he had a membership; mostly for the pool use.
Lunchtime found Tony, Ziva and Gibbs back in the squad room and ordering lunch in so they could keep going through the nuts and bolts of solving the case without their technical genius. The fact that it was taking them longer was yet another stark reminder of his absence; the fact that they all missed the banter and chit chat that they would normally have was just painful and so far, the day had been empty and devoid of anything resembling normality. No one was in a joking mood. In fact, in the two days since Probie had been suspended, not one smile or joke had been cracked.
Their dealings with the TAD Lab tech that had been foisted on them didn't help the situation at all and whilst the guy was knowledgeable and studious , he was not a people person and indeed, came across to all of them as quiet snobbish and unfriendly. Everytime Tony had to go down to the lab, he had to bite his tongue and keep it professional when in fact, all he wanted to do was to tell this guy to take the stick out of his ass. This in turn, reminded them all of Abby's background contributions to the team and that her absence took away that spark of hope that her normally bouncy, happy behavior gave them; no matter how bad the case. But, they couldn't dwell on that without being reminded that it was her actions that had brought this down on all of them in the first place. They hoped she would soon come to that realization just as they had before it negatively impacted anyone's lives.
"Gibbs." Vance's voice seemed to come out of nowhere as he ghosted into the squad room and stood in front of Gibbs' desk.
"Director." Gibbs glared up at him and could see that the sarcasm that had been injected into greeting hadn't gone amiss.
"Got an answer for me from your boy yet?"
Gibbs remained silent as he inwardly fumed at Leon's lack of tact or respect for Tim's right to privacy on the entire matter, not to mention the lack of respect for the fact that Tim was definitely not a boy and had come on leaps and bounds over the years. Gibbs remained silent and intensified is glare.
"I'll take that as a no. Maybe you should remind him of his options."
The silence continued for a long moment before Vance glared at both Ziva and Tony and then headed back up the stairs to his office with both his question and suggestion unanswered.
Gibbs was determined not to let his remaining team lose focus and used the one question that he knew would draw their attention back to the reason they were sat there by refocusing their minds on the case.
"Where are we?" It was an instant change and the question had the desired effect as Tony and Ziva both started rattling off their findings.
And so, the afternoon passed in a sea of case work, lead chasing and trail following; all in the name of solving the case. And every bit of it feeling almost like a hated chore because the fun and satisfaction that the job usually provided had been sucked right out of it, leaving them mechanically going through the motions of the investigation. Every one of them wished this week would fly by so they could have the weekend free to try to talk to Tim and get his spin on what happened.
Two hours of swimming and working out later; followed by yet another shower made Tim felt better and even a little more in shape than he had before he'd forced himself to get back on track. The decision seemed to set the feeling that with the exception of this crap at work, everything was right with his world. He had a wonderful woman he was sharing his life with and hoped to continue to share it with for eternity. He had enough money saved up to be able to more than adequately provide for her, even with this stupid suspension taking a month's pay away from him….Oh yeah, the book had its advantages. He chuckled at the random thought and then let his memory flit over images of Pam and Jethro; even his dog loved his woman.
His dog. Jethro! Damn it. He'd faced tougher situations than this; without a doubt; even personal ones. That didn't take away the problem or the pain with this one. But, he'd have to suck it up and learn how to deal with it if he was really gonna get to keep his life on track and not let this situation completely train-wreck his life. Breathing out a huge sigh of frustration, Tim headed to the kennel to get his dog.
Pulling up to the kennel, Tim parked the car and turned the engine off. He picked up his phone and noticed the notification that told him he had new messages and seeing as he hadn't even looked at his phone in hours, meant that he'd probably have a couple to listen too; hopefully, even one from Pam. Hitting the buttons he needed to; he was surprised to find he had several messages waiting for him.
"TimothyI do apologize for missing your call, young man. Any time after work that you wish to talk with me, I will be available to you. No appointment is necessary. If you wish to talk over dinner I would enjoy the company and the lovely Pamela is always welcome to join us. Do call me and let me know what you decide, won't you? Again, I deeply apologize for missing your call."
Tim smiled as he thought of Ducky. The "Uncle" he never had. Yeah, that man truly was a treasure that he loved and respected deeply. Quickly he returned the call, having to leave the M.E. yet another message. This time he kept it short, accepting the offer to talk to him after work that night and thanking him for the offer.
When he'd finished returning Ducky's call, Tim went back to his messages; this time, hearing Tony's voice.
"Probie, Boss man was driving when you called just now and we're chasing a psycho Mario Andretti, but he said to tell you he's sorry about the miscommunication that just happened between you two. He wants you to call him back later on, when we've had time to work on this case and get back to the office, all right? Call me too, man because I'm kinda worried about ya."
Tim had to chuckle at Tony's description of the car chase he'd obviously caught Gibbs in the middle of. Well, it certainly erased the bad feeling that the call had given him earlier. Tim was reluctant to call Gibbs though, just in case he caught him at the wrong time again. Hell, he didn't know whether or not he wanted to talk to him at all given what he needed to talk to him about. Tim settled for calling Tony instead.
"DiNozzo."
"Tony, this a bad time?"
"Probie! Not for you it's not. You okay?" Tony's quick answer betrayed the concern he felt for his friend and Tim found himself grinning at the fact that it was completely open and unhidden.
Gibbs and Ziva both paused in their conversation about the suspects' contacts when Tony's words floated across the squad room to them.
"You sure? You wouldn't be trying to keep it from me if you're not, would ya?" Tony pushed after Tim had told him he was okay.
"Tony, Really, I'm okay. I'm gonna talk to Ducky tonight after work, Can you meet me for lunch tomorrow? I know you probably won't get to call it a night till real late tonight."
"I'll be there."
"Thanks. Hey,Tony?"
"Yeah?."
"Thanks for pushing me to let you in. It's not like you, but I really appreciate what you're doing."
"No sweat, Mclittle brother. We're getting' tired of having to muddle through your job and need you back in here, pronto!" Tony hoped Tim would take this as their usual banter and knew damn well that his best friend took it for what it was…underlying worry.
"Tony, that's not gonna happen, even after I talk to you about it. I want to talk to Ziva as well but I need to sit down with you first. I know that keeping you in the dark goes against us trusting each other and I can't do that. Not that I don't trust Ziva or want her to not trust me, it's just I need to hear what you think about what I have to say first, from the Senior Field Agent's point of view."
Tony looked over at Gibbs and Ziva who were both standing stock still to watch him and listen in as best they could. He got up from his chair and walked away from the squad room so he could answer Tim honestly and openly.
"Oh, I get it, I appreciate that, McGoo, I do. Call me after you talk to Ducky."
"Okay. And Tony, will you please tell Ziva what I said? She's too important to me for her to think badly of me."
"I'll let her know. But, I don't think you have to worry about it. "
"Thanks. Hey, Tony?
"Yeah, Probie?"
"Is Gibbs okay? I mean, he's not taking what I did out on you guys is he?" It was just like Tim to worry about everyone else and Tony felt himself smiling at the thoughtfulness Tim had shown them.
"Nah. To tell you the truth, McGee, he seemed just as upset as you looked when he saw you at the scene yesterday. What was up with that, anyway?"
"It just got to me; the not being there officially, you know. I guess that makes me the wimp you've always told me I was."
"Knock it off, Probie. You know I know you're not a wimp."
"Tony, I still have to talk to Gibbs. Will you let me know when I should try? I don't want to catch him at a bad time because I don't need to give him another reason to get pissed at me."
"Why would he be pissed at you?"
"You mean besides this whole Mexico fiasco? I got a ticket yesterday when I was leaving the crime scene." Tim huffed out a bitter, short laugh at the memory and could feel his gut clench at the thoughts of what he had done.
"I'm pretty sure he's more pissed that you allowed this suspension to happen when you could have just cooperated with Vance and avoided it. But, what does you getting a ticket have to do with Gibbs, Probie?"
"I wasn't thinking straight. I handed the cop my badge with my license. Force of habit."
"Let me guess, he let you go with a warning." Tony figured it out for him and shook his head; trust his Probie to let something as minor as that eat away at him.
"Yeah."
"And what, you think you've broken some moral code and you need to turn yourself in to Gibbs for it, Probie? C'mon, it's not that big of a deal. The fact that you got the ticket in the first place means you weren't thinking straight. That's the big deal here, Probie."
"Thanks, Tony. But, put together with my suspension, and it is a big deal. I have to tell Gibbs. I don't need him thinking I did it on purpose or deliberately kept it from him."
"Probie, you could have been on the clock, chasing down a suspect and you'd still be thinking you'd done something morally wrong getting out of that ticket. You need to chill out. Gibbs isn't gonna go ballistic over this." Tony hoped he was coming across as supportive as he tried to allay any worry over the ticket that Tim had.
"I still need him to hear it from me before he hears it from Metro, if he hasn't already."
"Ok, Probie. You want me to tell him?"
"That would probably just get him even more pissed at me, Tony. But, thanks. Listen, I know you're busy, so, if you could, just call me later, okay?"
"Sure thing, McGoo."
"Thanks. Bye."
Turning back away from the wall he'd been leaning against, Tony was brought up short by Gibbs standing at the edge of his desk, waiting for him. As expected, he was treated to the royal summons to Gibbs' 'office'.
"Talk to me." Gibbs directed as soon as he'd set his 'Office' on its' emergency stop
"He's okay."
"What aren't you telling me?" Gibbs kept his voice to a low, serious rumble knowing that it would have more of an effect right now than the shouting that he desperately wanted to do.
"Only what he wants you to hear straight from him."
"But, he told you first?"
"He's waiting till it's a good time to call you back; doesn't want to be callin you at a bad time again. That's something. At least he's not thinking the worst of the last time he tried to talk to you." Tony tried to alleviate the tension that had surrounded them in the elevator before he realized that there was a distinct possibility that he had just come across as accusing and arrogant. He waited for the head slap and was surprised when it didn't happen.
Gibbs nodded and set the elevator moving back to the squad room. Obviously, Tim was beginning to trust Tony to be the one he could talk to when he couldn't talk to the boss and Gibbs wasn't gonna mess with that. He was grateful that McGee was letting someone in and not just depending on poor Ducky to be the keeper of his secrets alone.
When the elevator stopped and opened back at the squad room's level, Tony went back to his desk without waiting to see what Gibbs was gonna do or say next. Gibbs, however, remained on the elevator, waiting for it to close back up and once again offer him the chance to use his 'office' to get the solitude that he wanted at this moment. He pulled out his phone and dialed his suspended agent's number.
"Tim McGee."
"McGee."
"Boss."
"Tony said you needed to talk to me. I'm listening."
"Yeah. Um. I need to tell you about what happened yesterday." Gibbs could tell that Tim was nervous but didn't know how the conversation was going to go; it was that reason alone that made him keep his professional hat on.
"Before or after you found the crime scene?"
"After." Tim's voice hitched but he refused to get caught in the emotion of what he had yet to figure out. This time was needed to sill his guts about the facts of what he'd done wrong yesterday even though he hadn't been trying.
"Okay. I'm listening."
Apparently, Gibbs wasn't gonna talk about it either. Well, okay, so much for that.
"I got pulled over for speeding and when…"
"You needed to talk to me because you got a traffic ticket?" Gibbs asked angrily.
"Boss, when I …"
"McGee, I thought you needed to tell me something important! There was no reason for you to waste my time about a stupid traffic ticket!" Gibbs angrily snapped his phone shut; effectively hanging up on his agent in mid-sentence; again.