The past two weeks have been a long journey. I have gone from thinking that I have lost Alex to having her back in my arms and now… now I don't know how I can possibly resolve this. How do I possibly get Alex to forgive me?

All I can do is to think of last night and this morning… how Alex and I had gone from happiness to feeling such pain. The guilt I feel for not consoling Alex sooner is all too much for me. It's a powerful emotion that provokes anger within me, for being so selfish and stubborn. I thought that I was doing so right, when clearly, I was wrong. Now I face the consequences. Do I have the right to feel as hurt as I do when, truthfully, I only have myself to blame.

Watching Alex cry is the hardest thing I have ever seen. To know that I am the cause of such anguish and emotion, through the stupidity of my actions, or lack of them may that be. When I close my eyes all that I see is my Alex, hurting. The tears in her eyes, as they stream down her cheeks. The feel of her body shaking against me. She is coming undone in front of me, as all of her hidden emotions are sprawled out in front of me.

I close my eyes and picture those moments at the apartment. At first I am hesitant, remembering that I was mad at her for the other woman. But then I see Alex's face and how sincere she looked that told me, she was completely being honest. I have no idea why I am questioning trust, when I know Alex. I know that she loves me so much. So why, why would she do that to me?

I know that she wouldn't. Yet to think of Alex even talking to another woman tears me apart. It scares me, and it's not something I am willing to admit. I am scared that there is better than me, that I will never be good enough for Alex, and the more she gets to know me, the more I feel she will grow apart from me. I feel like I am waiting for the moment another person comes along, then I will be history.

This is what sparks the jealousy within me. Needing Alex's reassurance and to know that she really does want me. Love is a strong emotion, my love for Alex is not something I have felt before, and I was aware from the beginning that undoubtedly something special was between us. Like magnets that attracted us together, we glued. Until three…

Then things turned for the worse. I grew insecure. Lived worriedly. And jealousy was sparked.

Now I my heart wrenches in my chest as I feel Alex's tremble, her sobs as I finally hold her in my arms and her tears pour out. We share no words. Speaking about nothing. It leaves me debating my indecision. Realizing now that I have to make a move. To decide on The Final Cure.

I sit in my own apartment thinking about yesterday's events. I want Piper to trust me and believe in me when I tell her that I missed her, that I want her and only her. I just don't know how. I'm running through the things that have happened since Piper and I have started talking again. I feel like I'm getting whip-lash as I watch Piper switch back and forth in moods. I thought things were going well as we were dancing in her living room after the bar, then she flipped out. She then fell asleep in my arms and woke up happy. We were having a productive conversation in the park. Then Nicky started texting and Piper went ballistic again.

When I tried to share my anguish with her through my texts, the pain of the previous two weeks slammed into my chest. I don't know what is right or wrong any more. How can I comfort Piper when I can't even comfort myself? How am I going to get her to have confidence in my love and dedication to her and only her? How do I work through her anger to show her my sincerity? I love Piper Chapman. I want Piper and only Piper. Two, not three. Why can't she see that?

Yesterday's ordeal in the park was a completely new level. It's all too much for me. I have to shut off the emotions I am feeling. I cannot take it anymore. Not this constant back and forth and not knowing where I stand, or what I am doing that is so wrong.

After the drama in the park, we returned to her apartment. Everything remained unsolved between us, the lack of words and communication. We found ourselves crawling into bed. In silence. I wanted to hold her, so badly. But my body shut off, my mind overpowered my heart and told me. Don't do it Alex. You can't take the consequences. Being this close to Piper without resolution… hurt. I couldn't do it.

When I woke the following moving, I instinctively moved to Piper. Everything felt normal. Then I remember where we were. Yesterday. 'We can go back to the apartment so you can get your things and leave.' Her words echoed in my memory. I outstayed my welcome.

Piper's words broke my heart. My heart ached as I freed myself from Piper's bedding. Slipping out, gathering my things. I left her apartment. I needed to think. Avoiding confrontation. My mind is not mentally prepared for this to go on.

I have to do something about it.

So here I am – thinking. And you know what, I have an idea. One way or the other, this is going to end it.

My mind is seeking some kind of escape. I need to get out - time for me. I need to think, clearly, without feeling as if my surroundings have an impact on all that I am feeling and effect the emotions and feelings that are stirring within me. I feel as if I have a heavy weight pinning me down, something that only seems to be growing as the jealousy evolves. The longer I let the emotions sit, the harder I feel they are becoming for me to deal with. Provoking me to do things that I know I can avoid easily.

I decide to go to The Place, café that was put together as a place for the LGBT community to show pride in who they are. A place that Alex and I have visited frequently. I know that here I can take time for myself and reflect on my feelings.

My head is looking down to the floor, as I think about Alex. Yesterday. Feeling the guilt rile within me. I don't move as I hear footsteps approach me. Not caring, or willing to talk to anybody. Nor does anyone know that I am here. So I choose to ignore sounds. Closing my eyes as I try to fight the impending tears.

"Piper."

I can't look up. The diligent voice breaks my trance as a loud sob escapes my lips, and within that the tears are falling. The seat beside me dips and an arm is wrapped around me. I need this more than I realized, as my body requests support that I didn't know I needed. Leaning into the chest of the person that sits beside me, my hand covers my face as the tears fall and my sobs become muffled in the material of their clothing.

"Piper sweetie."

She allows me to be silent. Not provoking me to any form of explanation, because she understands me. Running her hand through my hair attentively, and quiet hushes as I allow myself to be free from the tears that I had been holding from the previous evening. This is not where I had imagined to let go, but it feels right. I finally feel grateful of being held, and having the presence of another beside me.

"I, I – I…."

"Is this about Alex?"

I struggle to find my voice. Not wanting to admit those words out loud. Lifting my head from the person beside me, as I simply nod my head. It is the fear of saying those words out loud, because then reality will hit me, harder than I thought it could.

I'm losing Alex.

"Where is she?"

My eyes open wide, as I take in those words and I instantly remember this morning. Waking up to Alex leaving me. Going through the door without any words shared. I could feel my heart breaking from then. Thinking of Alex, on the other side of that door and where that left me, us. Despite all that occurs, over the past two weeks there is nothing that can deny the love that I feel for Alex, or the commitment that I will always give to her. It was then that it hit me, that I really messed up. I needed to escape it. Bringing myself to the quiet café, that is The Place.

To hear Lorna, ask that question is devastating. I have no explanation. Nothing. My biggest fear is that we are now in a repeat of the previous two weeks.

I fall back into the couch that I sit on. Closing my eyes shut and taking in a deep breath as I listen to the lyrics of the song that plays in the background. It all feels like something that I can relate to, the perfect explanation of Alex and my situation.

Wrapped up, so consumed by all this hurt
If you ask me, don't know where to start
Anger, love, confusion
Roads that go nowhere
I know that somewhere better
'Cause you always take me there

"She… she… left… this morning."

I look up to Lorna, for the first time. But I can't look for long as I see the compassion her expression. Why is she so sweet? I don't deserve this. I did it all myself. I look back down to the floor, without making contact with Lorna, I go on to tell her about what occurred between Alex and me. Letting go of those built up feelings.

It's time to face my demons.

When Alex cried in the park, my heart broke. But for Alex, I had to stray strong. I couldn't cry myself. I inhaled a deep breath and pulled Alex into my arms as she cried against me. I wanted to be the one to comfort and console Alex, and when she allowed me I felt a warmth inside. We shared no words, just small glances on our drive home. She came back with me thankfully. But all I could think about was telling Alex to get her stuff and leave. The effect that had on Alex. But also the selfish side showing within me. I didn't want Alex to leave. I wanted Alex to come to me, so I could be the one to hold her.

To my shock, she stayed. We slept in the same bed. Falling to sleep before me, as we lay as far away as possible.

"That evening, we didn't talk."

I cried myself to sleep, as the words I had said stuck in my head. I was feeling guilty. Ashamed of myself.

"This morning… she… she left."

"I didn't have time to get out of bed. She was gone. I heard the door shut and not once did she say goodbye. It reminded me of the restaurant. When I left. Karma. History repeating itself, because now I know how it feels. Lonely."

"Heartbreaking."

"Piper."

I open my eyes, as I turn to look at Lorna. I shake my head. Not wanting to face the reality, to be clear of this pain. "She's gone."

Came to you with a broken faith
Gave me more than a hand to hold
Caught before I hit the ground
Tell me I'm safe, you've got me now

The song in the background is too much for me. Provoking further emotions within me, as I relate to the lyrics. I had sincerely hoped that when Alex come back, she was back for me. That we were going to be okay. All that I needed to know was that Alex was there. Security. I missed her. I miss her. Then… then I messed up and made a mistake, yet again. Now… how do I come from this? The heartbreak. The pain.

Will I ever find a cure?

"Piper. Did she tell you that?"

No. She didn't. Alex didn't tell me anything… "I told her to leave."

Of course that's why she left. What other reason would it be? Alex had returned to make things right with me, and then I made them wrong again. She listened to me, like she always did. Those words must have been playing on her mind all night. Fuck. Why did I say it when I don't mean it? I didn't want Alex to leave. I wanted Alex to stay, with me.

"I pushed her away."

"No. Shhh."

I shake my head, moving from Lorna has she tries to comfort me. I don't deserve the sympathy. "I have lost her Lorna."

"Piper."

No. No. I don't want the sympathy. I want to be told how I am wrong. It's all my fault. My sweet Alex…

"Piper. You both need to talk. If you don't try. Then Alex will walk away…"

Try? "Alex…. Al…" No. Fuck. No. "She isn't going to listen to me. I was a BITCH!"

Lorna is silent for some time. Looking around the room, I look through the corner of my eyes and I can see that she is thinking to herself. Like there is something she wants to tell me, but she can't. She has always been good at advice, but then… there is no way that Alex is going to talk to me. Not after I told her to pack her stuff and go. I fucked up. Way to go Piper.

"I promise you sweetie. Everything will be alright. You… you just have to listen to me okay? Chase your dreams. Follow your heart."

Follow your heart. She's got me. I lift my head, nodding in agreement without realizing that I was doing so. Looking to Lorna, I can see the glint in her eye. She knows Alex and I. She knows how we are. That Alex loves me dearly. She has always been fond of reminding us 'Look how cute you guys are.' I smile to myself and her hand is placed on my shoulder.

"Is Alex what you want Piper?"

I nod. Standing to my feet.

"So what are you waiting for?"

"I'm going to get my girl!"

Could you take care of a broken soul?
Oh, will you hold me now?
Oh, will you take me home?

I think thinking is getting me into trouble. I still can't believe Piper kicked me out of her apartment. I know she's hurting, confused and jealous. I just can't survive another ride on her merry-go-round. I have an idea that is going to the extreme. But I'm definitely going to put an end to this. I love Piper. I know those words were never meant to be an apology. But I am going to throw it all down at Piper's feet. I sketch out my ideas and head out shopping.

I head back to Piper's apartment. Preparing myself for what is to come. I knock on the door. Pressing my ear against it. When no answer or sound comes, I accept that as Piper not being in. Perfect.

I'm not sure where Piper is or when she'll be back, but her being out of her place suits me and my plans perfectly. I find the key she has hidden under the plant and let myself inside. I put the vase of flowers on her coffee table, inhaling the scent of the flowers smiling to myself as I know they are Piper's favorite. I look to the letter in my other hand, reading the front and 'Pipes' name in bold capitals as I prop the hand-written letter against it the flowers. I have this planned perfectly. Like a puzzle. I nod to myself proud of my idea. Walking to go back out to the front door to leave her a note to ensure she stops at the coffee table first. I look back in on the flowers and letter, to then venture to the kitchen to brew a pot of coffee and bide my time for her to return.

I pull up the docking station that sits on the side, taking out my phone as I wait on Piper's return.

My wait is not long as I hear Piper's front door unlock and open. My confidence falters, expecting the worst. I wait for her to launch into a tirade and to kick me out again. I hear her opening the letter and let out the breath I didn't realize I was holding. I remember what I wrote.

Dear Piper,

No matter what has happened between us, I want you to know that you are my life. Words cannot express how much I missed you when we were apart. Nor can they articulate what you mean to me. I love you Piper Chapman. You are who I want in my life. You, and only you. Me and you. Two. I don't know what I can do to regain your confidence, your trust. But all you have to do is to tell me and I'll do it. Whatever it takes Piper. You and me. That's it.

Love,

Alex

I feel nervous waiting. I can hear Piper folding the letter and returning it to the envelope. I steel myself for what is coming next. My back is purposefully facing the living room so she'll have to come around to see my face. I hear her pause in the doorway then walk into the room. I stand nervously on my feet, not able to remain still. I don't turn around, just listening carefully as I judge Piper's moves. I hear the seat against the floor, she takes a seat at the kitchen table across from me. Do I look now? Piper takes a sharp intake of breath. Is she alerting me to her presence? I turn slightly, looking over my shoulder as Piper looks me. She watches me sipping coffee from the precious Berlin mug. Her eyes narrow to slits but she holds her tongue. So far, so good.

I turn my body to view Piper face on. Holding the mug carefully, gripping the handle as I quickly turn my attention back to my phone. Choosing a song as sound starts to fill the room. I allow the lyrics to kick in, before I edge closer to where Piper sits.

Darling, hold my hand
Oh, won't you hold my hand?
Cause I don't wanna walk on my own anymore
Won't you understand? Cause I don't wanna walk alone

I'm ready for this, there's no denying
I'm ready for this, you stop me falling
I'm ready for this, I need you all in
I'm ready for this, so darling, hold my hand

"Piper." My voice is cautious.

I swallow the lump in my throat. Closing my eyes tightly, as I feel the nerves kick in. My legs are weak, my hands are shaky, but Piper can't see.

Soul is like a melting pot when you're not next to me
Tell me that you've got me and you're never gonna leave
Tryna find a moment where I can find release
Please tell me that you've got me and you're never gonna leave

"Alex." Her voice is guarded.

I open my eyes. Inhaling a breath to steady my voice. Whatever it takes. I move to the table, locking eyes with Piper as I do. Whatever it takes. I place the mug onto the table, as I reach across and take her hand. My thumb rubs across her skin and she responds to it. Her eyes close at the contact, like she has been waiting for this touch. "Piper… I love you. And I'm not going to chance losing you over this pettiness." I watch her eyes open, she looks to me and then the mug. I follow the movement, as she looks back to me. "Coffee?" I push the mug towards her.

She looks to the mug in front of her. Then back at me. Her facial expression isn't what I expected it to be. It's soft. She looks at me attentively. My nerves ease slightly, as I release a sigh of relief. Standing opposite Piper as she looks back up to me.

She pushes it back. With a frown on her face.

The mug. I can't help to grin and push it back towards her. She shakes her head, raising her hand to the mug, attempting to push it back. I place my hand on top of hers, and I gently grip her hand, stopping her from pushing the mug back at me. I flash what I hope is a warm smile at Piper. "Pipes…"

"Al. I need to talk to you."

"Piper. Not now." I close my eyes. Don't give up Alex. Not now. "Please."

"Alex. I'm sorry."

My eyes shoot back open as my head jolts round to look at Piper. Did I hear right? Those were not the words I was expecting. I expected Piper to be mad at me again. I open my mouth to speak, she stops me. Squeezing my hand. A soft no from her lips as she continues to look at me. "I'm sorry. I have been an idiot these past few weeks…" I watch as she closes her eyes, biting on her lip nervously. I lean to touch her face as she opens her eyes at me. "I can't go on like this… I need you Alex."

I shake my head. "Piper…"

"Please don't leave me."

Those words take me back. Did she really think I could do that? Fuck. No.

I look to Piper and at the table, my eyes land on the mug. I smile, as I turn the mug around so that she can see the ring tied to the handle. I watch her eyes look down to see what I did. A puzzled looked on her face, as her eyes widen and I take this as my opportunity. Walking around the table, to stand in front of Piper.

"Piper Elizabeth Chapman. Will you marry me?"

I feel myself well up. Watching her grin from ear to ear, as tears rolled down Piper's face. It's silence for a while, she looks at the ring. Then she nods her head. Leaping from the seat as her arms wrap around my tightly and take my balance. We fall back to seat as I stand between her legs. Kissing Piper on the lips as I return to the mug. Untying the string holding the ring to the handle. "Now do you believe in the power of twos?"

A/N R117: If you are all questioning the use of JG lyrics, JT persuaded me to let her use them. Big, big fan she is.

A/N #2 JT: Who is JG? ~snicker~

A/N: R117: Guys. You think we can convince JT to write the wedding? A one shot or something. Do your thing and tell her that you want it. Wink Wink.

A/N #4 JT: I've already given you two cheesy proposals and a rock-wedding. No thank you