Ride like the Wind
Chapter 45
"Here hold my towel," Raizen threw his magic towel at Yusuke.
"Gross! No!" Yusuke threw it on the ground. "Do you even wash this thing?"
"No. If I do the magic'll go away. How can you treat Towely like that?! Do you know how much he cost me! It took forever!"
"You told me you jumped some guy and stole it."
"After all the times I let him sleep with me you throw him on the ground!"
"It's cause of that smell that you sleep so well."
"It's not a bad smell. It's magical."
Yomi's eyes would have narrowed. "Whatever."
"No one cares about you, Yomi. You can't even pronounce my name right and then you say 'I say' like we don't know who's talking," Hiei replied smugly.
"Hiei, it's called cockney English. You skip the H when it's there and add it when it's not. Mukuro speaks with partial cockney English," Kurama explained sarcastically. "Your English pronunciation isn't all that perfect either."
"How not!"
"…For one, what you just said. And ain't ain't a word."
"No you didn't!"
"Yes I did!" Smug look.
That's the worst comeback I've ever heard…
Long silence.
"Yomi, you're fun-ny!" Raizen poked Yomi's nipples which must have really hurt considering how long his nails were.
"AUGH! BLOODY HELL! MY NIPPLES!" He fell over and started twitching like he was having a seizure.
"Hey!" a rough voice called everybody. Everybody except Yomi turned around to see…
"Kuwabara and Yukina! It's been freaking forever!" Yusuke said as he gave a greeting punch in the ribs.
"I know! I missed ya'll! Houston's been boring without you guys! I even missed Hiei!" Kuwabara replied.
"Too bad I don't feel the same," Hiei replied, rolling his eyes.
"…But I sure as heck didn't miss your rotten personality."
"…Is that man alright?" Yukina asked, pointing at Yomi.
"He's fine. He's just being overdramatic," Yusuke replied. He poked the demon with his toe. "Okay, man. You can get up now. It didn't hurt that much. …You're scaring the children."
Yomi sprung to his feet. "Does my pain disturb you?!"
"Yes. Yes it does."
"Well that's too bad! You don't do this to doctors! I could cut out your intestines and put them in a nice marmalade jar and then display it on a… Thing! I'd do it, too! My people killed their king and were able to defeat the Chinese! We're really violent people."
"Yeah but America still beat the British."
"You're a doctor?" Raizen asked.
"Yeah."
"…So shouldn't you be at home doctoring people?"
…If that made grammatical sense yes. "No. I have stuff to do here."
"Other than bug the hell out of Mukuro?" Hiei asked.
"I'll cut out your testicles with a scalpel if you don't shut up," Yomi growled.
"Oh, I'm so scared…" Rolls eyes.
"Is it me or is this chapter really lacking in plot?" Raizen asked suddenly.
"It's all the gay's faults for going against the natural order. It should stay as a relationship between a man and a woman because it's clearly the divine law. (Oh… Divine law. Which piece of crap book did he get that line from? Hiei thought.) Also two men or two women cannot produce children. We need to keep the population going. It will give the children the idea that homosexuality is okay thereby making them choose to be gay and causing all sorts of chaos. We'll never adapt to that kind of behavior! If we allow gays to marry then it won't stop me from marrying a dog. It destroys families! It's just so unnatural. (Didn't he already say that? Kurama thought.) And gays will only produce gay children just as straight couples only produce straight children. (I thought he said gays don't produce children.) Gays are really perverted," Yomi finished his rant. Really long silence.
"I don't know why that just reminded me!" Yukina clapped her hands smiling. "Kazuma and I were planning to have a Christmas celebration and all of you were invited. You could bring some other friends too…"
"Not Mukuro. She won't go because she'll say," Hiei imitated Mukuro's voice with very little success, "'I can't because I'm Jewish.'" He continued in his regular voice, "She acts like her religion's frickin disease."
"Come to think of it, I asked her why she wouldn't marry me once and she said that she couldn't because she's Jewish," Yomi added.
"No, she thought about how hideous your kids would look."
"They wouldn't look that bad."
"I'm getting bad mental images. Let's change topics," Raizen broke in.
"If you feel sick during this discussion, puke on Yomi. He's the doctor and'll make you feel better," Yusuke replied jokingly.
"Gee, thanks." Yomi would have rolled his eyes.
---
"How the hell do you always get so much crap mixed up?" Mukuro half muttered to herelf as she dug through papers that happened to be on the desk.
Kirin glanced around the room, pretending not to notice.
"Hey, since you're here… Do you know any doctors in town?"
"Huh? You don't?"
"I won't go if I'm not feeling too bad. All they'll do is just tell me that I'm diabetic and that I shouldn't eat sugar and keep an eye on my toes or the circulation'll cut off down there. I never found a point til now."
"What for?"
"I get ulcers. I need to keep one in mind if I get another."
"There's one down the street from here." Long silence. "That tide… It sounds off schedule today. You think a big wave's gonna come in and…?"
"Looks like I'm going on out, Texas Ranger. (Texas Ranger? What the hell? Kirin thought.) But you and I both know that's not the tide. It's something else. But there will be a big wave. A wave of a different kind."
"Have you always been that vague?"
"Maybe. Get working." She walked out and stood staring at the door after she closed it. Who am I kidding? It can't get a doctor for this. It's too late. Why bother? Dying with someone to water your grave. That's enough, isn't it?
"Surprise butt sex!" Raizen jumped on her back.
"It's not funny the first time," Mukuro growled.
"It would be if that were grammatically correct."
"Give me a break. Yomi tried to teach me proper grammar when he didn't really have perfect grammar himself. Get off."
"Not til you stop angsting."
"This is the way I always act. Lemme go."
"You're angsting and I know it."
"Goodamn you!" She dug her nails in his arms, flaring up with energy.
He let go. "Fine. You don't need to start acting all bitchy today."
"I'm not. I'm just tired… That's all. Law enforcement does that to you." She started to walk away.
"Even when I'm near death you're still a lying little bitch."
That stopped her. "Yeah. I guess you're right. I just suppose it runs in the family."
That was when Yomi appeared out of nowhere. "MUKURO!" Hearts.
She caught him mid-lunge and pointed the pistol between his eyes. "Touch me and you die." He hit the ground.
"How did you do that?" Yusuke asked.
"Cause I'm British. How'd you get here so fast?" Yomi asked.
"Cause I'm Japanese and I kick ass. You don't mess with Asians, bitch! Cause we're mean, we're green…"
"No, you're not," Kurama broke in.
"Hey…" Kuwabara leaned toward Kurama and put a hand on his shoulder. He frowned gaining focus. Tension built up. Everybody leaned in, anticipating the secret yet to be revealed. His eyes shimmered with great knowledge. Insert a good sentence here. "So… How's your day go?"
Gasp! "I'm insulted!"
"Ha! V for victory!" He did the V for victory sign.
Mukuro's eyes widened. "Now I'm insulted!"
"You realized you flipped her over just now? …The German way that is." Yomi replied.
"I'm sure you know all about that," Yusuke replied sarcastically.
"Hey let's change the topic. Mukuro say something funny," Raizen broke in.
"Hey Hiei you know what they say about guys with big hands?" Mukuro asked.
"I dunno something else is big…?" Hiei cocked his head questioningly.
"Yeah. But what?"
"Their p…"
"Big gloves. You know what they say about guys with big feet?"
"Big shoes."
"Big toes! Come on, Hiei! Even my father could figure this crap out and he has people hired to think for him! Him with mansion on the hill… or whatever the hell it is he lives in."
"Holy crap! You come from a rich family?!" Yusuke almost passed out from shock.
"From the Prussian nobility and from the British nobility. It happens sometimes. But yeah," she replied simply.
"Did you know about this?!" He pointed at Yomi.
"Yeah. I'm actually from nobility myself. But that was only because my father bought the title with whatever he earned from his factory," he replied simply. He muttered under his breath as if someone was supposed to hear him, "That also reminds me that I need to back and see my son…"
"I didn't know you had a son…" Long silence. "What's your wife gonna say when she finds out about Mukuro?!"
"I'm not married. But I'm engaged…" (Funny. I still distinctly remember turning him down. He must be pretty deaf for someone who has six ears… Mukuro thought.)
"Oh. Girlfriend?"
"No. Never had one. Okay… Maybe a few but I didn't try anything. (I still remember him having about five a week. What a whore.)
"Okay… So how'd he come to be if you never did it?"
"Let's switch topics again. I'm getting bored," Raizen broke in.
"Oh! That reminds me! Hiei wanted as you if you wanted to celebrate Christmas with us," Yukina said to Mukuro. ("I did not," Hiei grumbled with a hint of brotherly love thrown in.)
"I can't," she crossed her arms. "I'm Jewish."
"Well you don't have to be…"
"I'm diabetic. I won't eat sweets."
"You eat pie. Same difference," Yusuke broke in. "Why are you Jewish if you can't do anything?"
"If the family gets burned for being Jewish then my father wants me to be burned too."
"Why don't we all just have an eating contest?" Raizen broke in again.
"Say what?" Yusuke blinked twice.
"I'm starved!" Suddenly he fell face flat on the ground.
"Raizen?" Kurama shook him. "Raizen?"
"Don't bother. His heart stopped. He's dead,' Yomi said somberly.
"Yeah," Mukuro slung his arm over her shoulder and dragged him away. "I told you thousands of times to eat something and you see what happens? Boston… Has become too quiet without you."
"The tide stopped."
"Really… I thought you noticed…" Yomi pulled a pipe from his pocket. "This gave me a head ache…"
"What?"
"Yusuke. It wasn't the tide that was the source of the rumbling…" He said the next sentence in a near whisper. "It was his stomach."
And indeed Mukuro, it did become to quiet. It was a wave of a different kind.
End chapter 45.
Notes:
1. "My people… people."- References to the beheading of Charles II (or was it the first?) during the English civil war and the Opium War against the Chinese in the 1830's.
2. "America still beat the British."- Reference to the Revolutionary war of the American Revolution.
3. Kurama and Mukuro being insulted- I mentioned this before but this is in case you forgot. "How's your day go?" Sounds like a derogatory term for an Italian and Kurama is half Italian. The V for victory sign is supposedly the German way to flip someone off.
4. Prussian nobility- I never corrected myself. It's not Germany til 1871. So it's actually Prussia but they're still German because Germany was formed when all the German tribes were united.
…I like Hitler jokes. I saw a picture on gaia that had Hitler with bunny ears that said, "Am I kawaii?" And another with him in a car doing hydraulics. Anyway… In celebration of Cinco de Mayo I shall put in longer extras. Beware though… The Pokeman one was based on something I saw on the GD in gaia so it's going to have nasty humor. Yeah. Onward.
C is for Cookie. That's Good Enough for Me. (This one is true. Sadly.)
Mukuro stared at the TV in dismay, the remote falling out of her hand as her jaw dropped.
Hiei walked in. "Hey, you ran out of… Dude, are you watching Sesame Street?"
"They killed Cookie Monster…" Her face went pale.
"What?"
"They turned Cookie Monster in a health nut veggie whore! I loved Cookie Monster!" She kicked the TV and ran out crying.
Hiei stared at the TV. "Cookie is an extra food? The hell? He didn't make me fat. Stupid FDA and their anti-obesity laws. Stealing my Shrek's fat. Cookie is an extra food. The f…?"
Feliz Cinco de Mayo!
Hiei flopped on the couch next to Mukuro. "I hate Cinco de Mayo. I think it's insulting."
"How?" she sounded uninterested as she continued to flip through the channels.
"People are saying it's Mexican independence day! It's not! September 16 is our independence day! Cinco de Mayo was just a major battle! If you went to Mexico right now no one would be doing anything."
"Yeah and people here say that November 11 is when the Allies won the war. It was an armistice. You want to know why Americans think they won the war? They put it in the Treaty of Versailles that Germany had to take the blame because no one wanted to pay. Don't you think I found that a little insulting but the reason I don't say anything is because it doesn't freaking matter. It's a reason to go out and get drunk. Now you have two reasons to get drunk." She turned off the TV. "Speaking of which, I think I'll just make myself pass out."
Pout.
Here let me show you my Pokemans. Or My Pokemans: I'm not showing you them.
Kurama glanced over Hiei's shoulder one day. "Are you playing Pokeman? I thought you would've outgrown that by now."
"I found it under the bed and started to play it," Hiei said. He started laughing a bit.
"What's so funny?"
"Nothing."
Kurama shrugged and walked away. At least it keeps him busy.
Almost too busy. Kurama looked over Hiei's shoulder. "What do you have?"
Hiei stared at the Gameboy hesitantly and handed it to him. "Okay."
"What the…?! What are your Kakuna and your Metapod named Penis?!"
"Look at the attacks."
"Harden… String shot!" Oo "And why is your Onyx named Hard on?!"
"It's funny."
"I've had enough." Kurama gave it back. He felt like banging his head on a wall.
"You know I named my Pikachu Shithead?"
"I don't wanna know."
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Yeah. I got some weird laughs. Please review then.