It felt so good to be in real clothes again. "Now," Michael continued, checking another thing off on his checklist as Charles experimentally turned in his set. The wheelchair beneath him was solid, shiny and… Very low. He was not accustomed to craning his neck to look up at people.
I suppose I'll just have to get used to it, he thought as he laid his arms on the armrests and leaned back. The padding was comfortable and snug. He wondered if his butt would begin to hurt after awhile. He hated sitting. He hated not being able to tap his foot impatiently.
He turned his thoughts away, trying instead to focus on the slightly too-big dark brown cardigan that Michael had given him along with loose jeans. It had taken Charles a painful and humiliating twenty minutes to get into the pants, struggling to move unresponsive legs into the material while lying own. Michael had been forced to help. Though Charles had never been shy about his body before, his face had burned bright red the entire twenty minutes.
"Can you wheel yourself for me?" Charles too a hole of the side wheels and started rolling. His arm muscles burned with the exertion on it, but he could. "I suppose I'll have to build upper body strength," he mumbled.
"We'll work on that," Michael promised him.
Charles nodded past the lump in his throat. He did not want to work on anything. He wanted to walk. "Michael, what's the time of day?" he asked. He had been confined to bed for the past however many days, and there was no clock inside of the room. Michael briefly checked his watch.
"An hour past twelve thirty," Michael answered. Charles nodded.
"Have you seen the others today?" he could use his telepathy to tell where they were. However, ever since he had shown his past two days previous, it seemed as if they were all avoiding him, or more specifically, the touch of his mind in theirs. Charles desperately hoped that he had not hurt any of them with his telekinesis. Erik (the only one who had not avoided him lately) had assured him that he hadn't. Charles had not checked his mind to see if he were lying or not though so he could not tell.
"I have," thankfully, Michael did not need in-depth explanations. He only scanned the list of things he had for Charles distantly. "Moira was arguing with the general about something up on deck earlier. Probably about the man who attacked Sean," Charles nodded. Word had quickly spread about the man who had tried to kill Sean, and Charles had sensed a mixture of emotions from the other sailors.
Approval, interest, worry, indifference or a few wrinkles of dissent. Nothing he had not expected, but it was good progress anyway. At least some people did not totally approve of Mutant murder. "Alex was heading down to the practice rooms with Sean. Hank is in the communications room fixing a technical bug the technicians down there have. He's a brilliant young man," Charles beamed.
"And Erik went to go find Raven," ah, yes. Charles remembered asking his friend to try and see if he could deduce anything about Raven's mood lately. Goodness knew she was continuing to baffle Charles completely. Ever since she had turned sixteen she had been so obsessed with her looks. He imagined the things she had seen in his memories had not helped her either, but she did understand, didn't she?
He had only ever been trying to protect her from his father. It was not that he did not think she was beautiful the way she was. He thought Raven in her natural form was gorgeous, but… It just wasn't safe. And he would do anything to keep her safe. Surely she realized that? Any mistakes he had made had been made out of love.
"You should be in moderate discomfort, Charles. Are you sure you don't feel anything?" Charles shook his head, effectively clearing his mind.
"No," he answered Michael scowled at him and tapped his clipboard.
"Not a pinch or tingle in your back? No stress? You're awfully calm for a man whose life has just been changed dramatically," he observed. Charles smiled dully.
"Perhaps it's an extra mutation," he quipped. Michael was not amused.
"I'm serious here, Charles. Your spine has a small diamond in it. I was never able to pull it out without completely severing your spine and killing you. That diamond is rubbing against nerves, bones, tissues… You have to be feeling something," he sounded slightly frustrated, as if Charles's evident good health were a bad thing. Charles opened his mouth to ask whether or not it actually was when the door opened. Erik poked his head inside.
"Ah, Erik!" Charles cried, elated to see his friend. "Come in, come in. Michael was just fretting over me," he invited, waving a hand in. Erik stepped into the room. His dark brown hair was tousled and damp from the sea. He smelled of a fresh ocean breeze. Charles suddenly very much wanted to see the ocean. It had been so long since he had last been on a ship.
Erik's brows wrinkled at Charles's comment. He turned to the Dr. "Is something the matter?" he asked.
Michael shrugged. "That's just the problem. According to him," he pointed accusingly at Charles. "Everything is fine, but you don't just come out of things like this fine. It's unnatural," Erik's face tightened.
"We're unnatural beings," he pointed out darkly.
"You're beings with mostly human DNA," Michael corrected. "And everything we know about DNA tells me that Charles is supposed to be in crippling pain right now," Charles studied Erik's face. The muscles of his friend were rigid and his mind was a hailstorm of confliction, but also rock hard with determination. Erik saw him staring and returned the courtesy. His eyes showed the same intention. Charles had a feeling they were going to have an unpleasant conversation.
"Michael," he interrupted his friend's rampage about his health. "Could you give us a moment please?" Michael scowled, unhappy about being cut off but when he saw the intensity of the looks Erik and Charles were giving one another, he nodded and silently turned on his heel.
"Call if you need anything!" he tossed over his shoulder before he shut the door and vanished down the hallway. Charles studied Erik from his position near the ground, hands clenching his armrests. Erik noticed the tiny gesture, born of Charles's need to always move, and a tiny smile pulled at the corner of his mouth.
"Don't worry, Charles, you still look very intimidating," he assured him coming forward. Charles tried to smile. He was well aware that he had never looked very intimidating. Probably less so now.
"Don't spoil this for me Erik," he scolded genially. He watched Erik closely as the metal bender moved around the room. He felt his wheelchair slowly turning and realized that Erik was turning it to face him completely as he sat down in the chair by Charles's bed. Now they were face to face, equal. Charles let out a breath of relief. Erik had no idea how much that meant to him.
"I wouldn't dream of it," Erik slung a leg over his knee, regarding him with eyes that had softened considerably. "I found Raven," he then said, getting straight to the point. Charles nodded.
"I know," he agreed. "Is she alright then?" Erik gave a small half shrug.
"She's angry, confused, hurt. Nothing a few years of experience won't cure," he told him. Charles scowled.
"She's angry at…Me?" He asked quietly. Erik gave him a 'well, who else?' stare.
"You did erase her memory a few dozen times, Charles. And hid the nature of the man she considered a father from her," he reminded him. Charles felt a stab of uneasiness.
"To protect her," he protested.
Erik nodded easily enough. "Yes, but that does not negate the fact that it wasn't right. You took control of her mind and her choices, Charles. Surely you see how that's wrong? You would be adverse if it were anyone else," no one else had ever mattered to him as much as Raven did. Charles let out a slow breath.
"I know," he finally breathed, closing his eyes. He felt as if a wave had just crashed down on him, and now he was drowning in guilt and shame. He had not meant to hurt his sister, ever, but he just… He couldn't deny that if he was put in the same situation, he would do it again. Just to save her.
"The first time, I felt so sickened by myself. I vowed never to do it again, but when she saw my father throw a glass at me and it almost hit her… I couldn't stand the fear in her eyes, Erik," he admitted. Erik listened closely, a harsh and impartial judge. "After that I just stopped thinking about my guilt. I told myself it was to protect her and nothing more. I think that's actually why that part of my past showed, I never meant to tell her about the memory erasing. My father, maybe, but not that. I suppose I've been telling myself for so long not to be guilty that my caution crumpled. I assumed she'd understand," he let out a bitter, breathy chuckle. "I'm an idiot," he conceded.
Erik hummed in his throat. "True," he agreed thoughtfully. Charles gave him a dry look. He had not wanted Erik to agree with him there. The other mutant grinned and abruptly leaned forward, putting a hand on Charles's knee.
"You're not an idiot, Charles. You were a child trapped in a place you shouldn't have been trying to protect the only person who mattered to you. I…. You know I know how that feels," his father. The camps. His only parent succumbing to death because of being overworked.
Charles had seen it in Erik's memory and being reminded of it sent a chill up his partly paralyzed spine. He placed a hand on top of Erik's, squeezing sympathetically. Erik did not want pity. He took his hand away.
"I don't agree with what you did, Charles. I'm on Raven's side about it, but I'd like to think I understand why you did it a bit more than she does," he probably did. Raven, despite her passionate zeal, was still just a child. She could only see the hurt and the anger and the emotion. Something Charles had been trained out of long ago and Erik had suppressed. Both of them out of necessity to survive.
"What I don't understand," Erik went on, mouth thinning. "Is how you can claim humanity can accept us when you've seen otherwise. The humans ran your family out of London," he pointed out. Charles cringed at the bad memory.
"The human's superstition and fear ran us out of London. That was a very different time my friend. All of London was in flames, and… People had begun to lose hope. All they had was Religion and at times they took it too far,"
"They beat you, a child, because they thought you were a devil," Erik scoffed. "Why are you giving excuses for them, Charles? It was wrong," Charles was the one to snort now.
"I know," he replied darkly. "I used to be angry about it, but then… I see into minds, Erik," it was a blessing and curse he would wish on no living man, but at the same time he was honored to have. It was his greatest gift, the ability to feel and take away someone else's pain.
"I connect to people in a way you cannot imagine. I am not making excuses, I'm telling you the truth as I sensed it. There is good in people, beneath the surface. I see it in you and I see it in them," he told him honestly, and the burning fire of belief in his chest flared, a tiny light in the dark waters threatening to drown him whole. If he believed in anything, it was the goodness in people. He had little else to believe in. Erik was staring at him as if he suspected Charles might have a few brain cells missing. Critical ones.
"That attitude will get you killed one day Charles," Erik told him seriously. Charles could not help but smile.
"My friend," he addressed the man in front of him solemnly. "I know you understand it when I say that I stopped being afraid to die a long time ago," Erik recoiled, surprised. He did not argue though. He stared at Charles with icy sapphires and nodded. He understood.
"Besides," Charles continued, on a more cheerful note. "You'll be there to keep me out of trouble, hmm? If I got into shenanigans standing, imagine what I might do in a wheel chair," that managed to drag a sincere snicker from Erik. His smile took up his entire face as he ducked to hide it. He had this ridiculous phobia about letting people see him happy.
Charles could not help but laugh too. It had been so long since he had laughed and at the moment when everything in his life felt like it was just wrong… He needed to laugh. More than anything, that was the only medicine he required. He felt a surge of gratitude towards Erik for allowing him the chance.
They snickered together for a moment. Erik leaning forward in his chair, elbows on his knees and Charles trying not to do the same. His shoulder and back would not appreciate it. Then the moment ended and they were left smiling at each other, broken men who had finally realized they were not alone.
Charles felt Erik's melancholy before it even hit the man, transforming the smile and glittering eyes into a scowl of smoothed sorrow. "No, I won't be," the other said softly. Charles cocked his head, confused.
"You've come to tell me something," he stated.
"I'm not going to D.C. with you," the blow rippled through Charles, from his solar plexus to the tips of his fingers, even though he was not surprised. He let none of it show. He could only nod.
"So I assumed," Erik raised both eyebrows at him, his eyes wavering. Subsequently, quite surprising Charles (again) Erik leaned forward and took both of Charles's hands into his own, holding them loosely. Charles looked down, stunned by the show of actual affection.
"I wish you would come," Erik's voice was plaintive, almost pleading. Charles squeezed the hands in his grip. "We are brothers Charles. You and I. We can change this world together," yes they could. They could destroy this world, one life at a time, or they could build it back up into a new world, one agonizing inch at a time. Charles had already made his choice about which he preferred. He smiled a watery smile.
"I wish you would stay, brother mine," he whispered past a lump in his throat. "I could force you to stay," he considered. Erik smiled.
"But you won't," he sounded so sure of himself. Cocky idiot. "I could force you to come," Erik glanced down at the wheelchair and Charles realized it was metal. Well, he thought dazedly. That evens things up a bit. He still was not worried.
"But you won't," of course not. "When do you leave?"
"In the morning. There's a small submarine in the lowest part of the ship. Why they need one," he rolled his eyes. "I don't know,"
"Perhaps it was destiny,"
"Or stupidity," Erik went on. "Either way, I'll use it to escape, and then begin preparing for the war to come," Charles noticed Erik did not tell him where he was going. He resisted the urge to read his mind and see.
"I will do everything in my power to prevent that war," he sighed. "You've fought for too long already, my friend. Too long," he patted Erik's hand. The metal-bender cocked his head at him, studying as he often did.
"You seem awfully calm about this, Charles," he observed. Charles smiled.
"You forget Erik. I have read your mind. I've always known how much this crusade of yours means to you. You won't give up your ideals. I respect that, but even so, I also told you I saw something inside of you. Something that is more than just pain and anger. A power source that comes from goodness so raw it's astonishing," he pointed to Erik's heart.
"I don't agree with what you're doing, Erik, but I trust the goodness within you. I trust it will lead you to where you belong," and if that was at Charles's side, then so be it. But Charles would not stand in Erik's way for now. He just had to trust the goodness he knew was inside of him. He had too.
"Charles," Erik's voice broke. He held his hands tighter. "Brother," he restarted. Now Charles felt wetness sting at his eyes. Admittedly, he had never had a friend besides Raven before. True, he had had classmates and teachers and a social life, but it had always seemed hollow. Unfulfilled, as if the people he hung around knew him only skin deep and nothing more. They did not understand like Erik did. So in all essences of the word, Erik was Charles's first friend. And he was leaving.
"Will…" Erik glanced down at the wheelchair and Charles's immobile legs. "Will you be alright?"Charles blinked rapidly.
"I'll be f-"
"I'm not Raven. You don't have to protect me,"
Charles gave a watery chuckle. "Then no, Erik. I very much doubt I'll ever be alright, but I will adapt, and I will survive," that was all any of them could ever do. Erik understood. The other man leaned back in his chair, releasing Charles's hands. He swiped an arm across his eyes, smoothing away any tears. Charles did the same.
"You should tell the others yourself," he told him. Erik nodded and stood. Charles opened his mouth, about to ask if he wanted him to come with him when a knock sounded at the door. They both jumped, pulled out of their moment. Raven poked her head inside. Her face was grave.
"Am I interrupting?"She asked softly, seeing them there.
"No," Charles piped up. "Erik was just about to tell us all something," Raven and Erik exchanged unidentifiable looks. His sister stepped fully into the room, glowing catlike eyes narrowed into slits of anxiety. She shuffled near the door.
"I see," there was something strange about the way she was standing there awkwardly. Raven had never been awkward. Despite her insecurities, she was graceful and confident in all that she did. At least outwardly. Charles felt his gut clench.
The feeling was intensified when Erik put himself between the two siblings. He put both hands on Charles's shoulders, and stared him in the eye. The metal-benders own eyes were swimming with anxious guilt. But why?
"For all of your faults, you're a good man, Charles Xavier," Erik told him so quickly Charles had to strain to hear. "And I would never hurt you purposefully. I wouldn't-none of us- would be the people we are today if not for you. This is not a punishment, do you hear? I would never hurt you," he gave Charles a little shake that made him hiss in pain. "I would never hurt you," Erik repeated. Before Charles could say anything in response, or even demand to know what was going on, Erik spun on his heel and fairly ran out of the door. Raven closed it behind him and walked forward. Charles raised an eyebrow, feeling very ignorant.
"Do you know what that was about?" he inquired of his sister as she took Erik's spot in the chair. Raven ignored his question.
"Why did you never tell me?" she demanded. Charles did to have to read her mind to know what she was talking about. He sighed.
"About father? You were better off not knowing," he informed her.
Her eyes flashed. "That wasn't your choice to make," she growled.
"Do you regret knowing now?"
"I only regret that I had no idea so I couldn't help you! I only regret that you had to go through it alone," Charles's heart melted at the pure sincere agony in her voice. "And I regret that you thought I was too stupid to be told the truth," she continued.
Charles was taken aback by the assumption. "It was never about me believing you to be stupid Raven…"
"Then what?"
"It was about you being safe," she rolled her eyes and harrumphed.
"I'm blue, Charles!" She stuck out her arm as an example. "I'll never be safe!" you have no idea how many nights I've stayed up scared to death of the same concept.
"Believe me," he rubbed his forehead tiredly. "I know. Listen Raven, I'm not saying any of what I did-erasing your memory, hiding father's true nature, not telling you why Hilda and Josef went away- none of those things were right, but… I was a child. I knew only that you were," he thought for a second, then rephrased.
"Hell, you are my only family. I just wanted to give you the life I thought you deserved; one which was so much different from mine. I'm sorry that I had to break my promises to do that but Raven… I would give anything to protect you. Anything," he willed her to see that, to realize that any mistakes he had made had been made because his heart would wither and die if he did not have her. He wanted to beg her to understand it.
Raven's eyes were shining with tears. Charles desperately wanted to hold her. He hated it when she cried. "Charles," she gulped. "I… I know that. I know what you were doing. Erik was right. I wouldn't be here if not for you. You raised me, taught me everything I know and I… I love you Charlie," she reached forward. She had to lean over his legs but she wrapped her arms around his neck. He folded her into his arms without hesitation. "I love you so much," she whispered into his ear. He stroked her hair and kissed the side of her head. His chest quivered with the same emotion.
"But I can't trust you," Raven continued. Charles's heart skipped a beat. His soul ached with a wave of pain so excruciating it rivaled the diamond puncturing his back. "No matter what reason, you took control of my life from me. You broke your promise. Still, now I've found who I am," she pulled away, gently. Charles felt as if his heart froze over with her warmth gone. He stared at her, tears building in his eyes.
Raven gazed at him with tenderness. She gently stroked a finger across his cheek. "And who I am is on the opposite side of you. I'm not your little girl anymore, Charlie," she swiped away a tear that fell. "I'm grown up. I'm making my own decisions now," she took a deep breath.
"Which is why I've decided to go with Erik," Charles found that his lungs were all of a sudden not working. Matter of fact, he could hardly remember a time when he had ever breathed before. He stared at Raven, horrified. No, he thought for the second time that week, this time every piece of his entire body wishing for it not to be true. You've taken my legs, taken my parents and my friend… Not my sister. Not Raven.
"What?" He hissed at last, his terror coming off as anger. "Raven, Erik is going to fight a war!" did she realize this? She did it seemed. She nodded.
"And I will help him wage it. We have to do it now, Charles, before the humans…" he interrupted her curtly.
"Have you forgotten that Josef was human? The man who took care of us every day and night?" He demanded. Raven went silent for a moment. She stared at him for a long moment before shaking her head.
"He was a good man," she agreed softly. "But ultimately inferior," Charles could hardly believe what he was hearing.
"He raised us," he hissed. Josef had been the only father Charles had ever had. Only his love for Rave had matched the love he had held for Josef, and even then his adoptive father had possession of a deeper and more intricate piece of his heart. Raven scowled, and anger flashed in her eyes.
"He raised you," what had Erik done to his sister? Now the words his friend had spoken earlier made more sense. "This is not a punishment, do you hear? I would never hurt you," liar.
"Have you lost your mind?" He nearly yelled, very much believing that she had. "Do you have any clue what a war means, Raven? Death, suffering, murder. You are not a murderer, Raven…" her face turned dark.
"My name is Mystique," she told him coldly. Charles stared at her, baffled.
"Raven is the name your parents gave you…"
"Those Neanderthals were not my parents. They abandoned me. Raven is a slave name. I will not be addressed by it," Charles felt like he could not breathe. He could only stare at this girl housed to be his sister and feel as if his soul were dying. "I knew you wouldn't understand," Raven scoffed at seeing his horror. "I'm going to be a freedom fighter and you look at me as if I've committed a crime," had the whole world gone mad?
How could you? He fired at Erik furiously through their minds. He felt a sting of anger before Erik just sent back tiredly: She made her own decision. I tried to talk her out of it, and she had not listened to either of them.
How could Charles fix this?
He spluttered, for once having no eloquent reply. "You're talking about genocide…"
"Freedom for mutants!" she corrected, yelling. "I don't want to hide anymore, Charles. I will not be a part of a world that denies me freedom. So I'll change it. If you actually wanted me to be safe, you'd have done it a long time ago," that truly made him cringe in pain. She was tearing out his heart.
"By killing?" he nearly shrieked.
"Why not?" She fired back. "All those years of letting your father push you around. You could have killed him so many times. You could have taken control of his mind; you could have… Done something. But you stood there and let it happen. You let him hurt you and I will not do that. I'll learn from your mistakes since you don't seem too keen to do it!" She raised her chin, towering over him. "I will not be weak," she hissed.
"No, you'll just be a killer,"
"An eye for an eye,"
"We have it in us to be the better people, Raven. This is not who we are. This is not who you are!"
She glared at him. "No, this is not who you wanted me to be. Allow me to introduce myself to you. I am Mystique," his world crumbled. He closed his eyes as the waters which had threatened took him under. He struggled to remain calm.
Finally, he got his voice under control. "I won't allow you to throw your life away," he informed her sternly. Raven's hackles raised.
"What gives you the right to decide what I do with my life?"
"I raised you!"
"You lied to me and hid things from me!"
"I was trying to protect you!"
"You were trying to control me!" It seemed they had very different definitions of the same word. Charles sat back in his seat. He was tired, so tired and afraid and damn, when had this become his life? He massaged his forehead. Raven jumped as if she suspected he might try to take control of her mind. The movement made Charles's heart ache again. He tried one more time.
"Please, Raven," his voice trembled as he lowered it. He was tired of fighting. He had never wanted to fight her. "Don't make me lose you. Not like this," his plea went straight to a rock hard heart and bounced off. Raven shook her head and stepped around him, back straight, shoulders set and proud until the end.
"You lost me a long time ago, Charlie. I'm going with Erik in the morning," and then she was gone, out of the door without even a glance back at the brother who had given everything for her sake and lost her anyway. She slammed the door so hard the walls shook.
Charles stared at the door for a long moment. Then, as his heart and soul vanished before his eyes, he leaned forward and wept.