GRAVITRON
Written for Jellie Carnival Summer Challenge: Sequel to "Tightrope" and "Fire Eater." (If you haven't read them first, they'll help set the scene.)
A/N: Spoilers for Season Three Finale; JELLIE friendship/angst/comfort, or pre-Jellie if you like?
Disclaimer: I don't own them. If I owned any rights to John Casey, we'd never leave the house!;D
Part Three
She'd surprised him that first evening, showing up at his door with a fresh batch of guacamole dip and the simple request for a few minutes of his time. They'd sat in the kitchen, sharing the snack and making strained small talk, when she'd simply come out and asked him.
"How do you do it, John?" She stared directly as he paused mid-bite.
"Do what, exactly?" He asked quietly, not trying to hedge, but wanting to clarify what specifically she needed to know so he could best answer her question. "How do I come to your table each Sunday and pretend to be a going-nowhere appliance salesman? How do I lie to nearly everyone I meet in order to protect my cover, my asset, my country? How do I look you in the eye, knowing there are dangerous people trying to kill your brother, your friends, even you, if they found out about you, and smile and ask innocently how you like the quiche?"
"No, no, no," she dismissed the questions, waving her hand absently. "That's your job, I figure you're trained for that, and under orders and the whole bit. No. I mean… how do you…"
She let out a frustrated huff, her hazel eyes turning a bit glassy. "How…"
John waited patiently as she searched for and finally found the right words.
"How do you pretend everything's fine, when you know damned well it isn't? How do you deal with it not being fine, not ever being right again, when everyone around you wants to act like nothing's out of place?"
"Ah," he nodded in understanding.
"I mean, how do you know what you know," her voice grew smaller as she clenched the cloth napkin in both hands, "know what you've done, and live with that every day when everyone wants to pretend it's never happened? And wants you to behave like… like it hasn't affected you? Changed you irrevocably? But the whole world, your whole… family… wants you to act like you're still the same? Like they're still the same? But none of you are?"
John reached a hand across the table, palm facing up. Ellie stared at the offered hand, her jaw clenching tight, eyes bright with unshed tears that she fought to contain. After a brief moment, she released the strangled napkin and laid her own hand softly on his.
"It's not easy. Believe me, I know," he said with a wry smile. "Doing… some of the things I have to do in my line of work…" he let the details remain unspoken, but her expression said she understood the nature of those details, "and then clocking in at Buy More to sell a couple of Beast Masters while pretending I didn't just neutralize three enemy operatives the night before?"
Ellie smiled back grimly. "Exactly. I knew you'd understand what I meant, John."
For the next hour, he listened as she let the dammed-up emotions and thoughts spill out unchecked. Everything from the hurt she'd felt at being lied to by her closest loved ones, to the overwhelming guilt consuming her over her self-directed blame for her father's murder. But the lynchpin came down to two people.
"Don't get me wrong, John, I felt pretty hurt by you and Sarah. Even Morgan. But I understand. Morgan's Chuck's best friend. His loyalty will always be to Chuck. Thank goodness," she added. "And you and Sarah… well, you have to answer to generals and directors and, I don't know, maybe even the president himself. You're trained to conceal things. And you're not… you're not family. Well, you are now, sort of, but you know what I mean?"
He nodded, simply listening, letting her vent. "Chuck is my brother. My blood! I… I gave up my childhood to raise him. And I'm not sorry I did that. Did you know, I skipped my senior prom because I had to work that night? I had to pay bills and make sure he was fed and not eating just junk and staying up all night playing video games with Morgan Grimes. I was the responsible one. The older sister. And you know, I never regretted that, John. So why am I the last to know? The one who he couldn't trust? He told Morgan. Even Devon knew… and Devon!"
Her breath grew shallow and frantic. "Deep breath," he coached in a steady voice.
She slowly inhaled, filling her lungs and slowly releasing it to calm herself, shaking her head and staring off at the wall. "We swore vows, John. To always be there for each other. To be supportive of one another, no matter what. And… he's not…"
"Ellie," he broke in, trying to deflect a bit of her ire. "Devon was under orders, charged just like me and Sarah and Chuck not to reveal anything to you, to anyone. He didn't have a choice."
"I understand the lies. I forgive the deception. From him, from you, from the whole lot of you. It's not…" she let out a slow, defeated sigh, glancing at the clock on the wall. "It's not that. It's… just the rest of it."
Giving his hand a quick squeeze, she slipped out of the chair, her tight smile pasted on again. "I should be getting back, Devon will be home soon. I didn't mean to take up so much of your time."
"It's no trouble at all, Ellie. Anytime," he said, rising to see her to the door. "Really. I'm…" he gave a self-depreciating laugh. "Chuck will tell you, I'm probably not the best at expressing 'lady-feelings', but… my door's always open. Figuratively speaking, of course."
Her smile grew real at his quip. "Of course." She paused on the threshold, reaching out to place a hand on his forearm. "John…thank you. Really, I…"
"Any time," he repeated.
Nodding, she turned to cross the courtyard, glancing back with a small but genuine smile before disappearing into her own apartment.
.~.~.~.
To be continued… reviews appreciated so much! ;D