Gamer4 in. Greetings, one and all, and welcome to a pilot chapter for a new fanfiction I'm beginning! I apologize for bending the rules of the site a little bit- I plead your forgiveness, and hope you'll hear me out on this one. This story is a crossover between Evangelion and one of my favorite games of all time, EarthBound, a crossover the likes of which this site has never seen before, basically dooming it to obscurity, barring some options- one, crossposting on Ao3 (which I have) or, in my mind, posting the pilot in the main Eva section as well. I give myself the pass on this one as this chapter is primarily Evangelion, with fewer EarthBound elements as of yet. That said, this particular post will remain a one-shot- if you'd like to see further chapters, I'll be posting them exclusively as a crossover, or on Ao3. The pilot being posted here is entirely in an effort to break past the AT Field that seems to sit around crossovers, especially between categories that have never crossed over before. I hope you can forgive my indescretion, and enjoy the pilot as it unfolds. Alright, let's get into it!
Disclaimer: I'm not up to date on my copyright law, so I'm gonna go ahead and say Evangelion belongs to Hideaki Anno and EarthBound to Shigesato "Shiggy" Itoi.
Ness and Shinji's Excellent Adventure
Pilot
Strange Encounters
Shinji Ikari was a boy with a rather screwy definition of the word 'normal.' He was a fourteen-year-old boy living in a post-apocalyptic world he was expected to protect from giant, inhuman abominations by piloting a giant, inhumanoid mech. He lived with a perpetually drunk major and a redhead fellow pilot with a hair-trigger temper, and his other coworker was a girl who had thus far expressed less emotion than a store mannequin. He'd long since become accustomed to the bizarre, and had long since given up on questioning just about anything.
All of this is in the hopes of putting into perspective how great a shock it must have taken to turn such a boy's world upside-down.
XXXX
"Oh, Shin-chan!" Shinji's guardian, one Misato Katusuragi, grinned in a way that Shinji had long since learned to associate with imminent humiliation. "I've got a little errand for you to run~!"
These were the words that opened the last conversation the two of them had before Shinji's life went completely off of whatever rails had guided it before.
"Yes...?" he asked hesitantly as his guardian leaned over the kitchen table of their small apartment.
"Rei had some business back at NERV today, so she missed out on school. Could you bring her her schoolwork?"
Shinji choked as memories of his last voyage to the blue-haired girl's apartment had gone. Misato couldn't know about it- he certainly hadn't told her, and he didn't imagine that Rei herself had either. She had no idea how mortifying the request really was from his perspective.
"Er... can't Asuka do it?" he suggested, almost pleadingly.
"Sure, I suppose she could," Misato agreed thoughtfully, taking a drink from a can of her favorite Yebisu beer. "Go ahead and tell her!"
Shinji gulped. Rei Ayanami was quite possibly Asuka Langley Soryu's least favorite person in Tokyo-3. He didn't know which was worse, the idea of telling her to go deliver Rei her work, or the idea of what she'd do when she actually got there. "...I'll take it to her."
"Good man!" Misato patted him briefly on the shoulder before producing a folder. "Here ya go!"
He nodded meekly as he stepped out of their shared apartment, marking the last time he saw it while life was still his approximation of normal.
XXXX
Nobody seemed to pay him much mind as he made his way towards Rei's apartment (ten minutes to the breaking of his world.) He was fine with that- he didn't care for standing out. It was far easier to live a simple, quiet life, he pondered to himself as he passed by a tall blond man with a sandwich bag in his hand. He certainly had the looks to blend in- a simple, slight boy, perhaps slightly taller than his peers, but also significantly skinnier, as he so often ate only when he absolutely had to. His black hair was nothing special, not styled in any particular way- simple, short, non-eyecatching. The most unique thing about him was his crystal blue eyes.
Five minutes until the end of his old life, and he was making his way into the demilitarized zone that somehow counted as Rei's apartment. He shuddered slightly- he hated coming all the way out here, and he hated even more the idea that Rei was forced to live here.
Two minutes to go, and the building itself appeared- it occurred to him, for neither the first nor last time, that the building should be condemned. He could even hear bizarre creaking, snapping, and groaning noises- he hoped the building wasn't about to come down on top of them.
Thirty seconds. He was halfway up the stairs when he saw Rei's door hanging open, and his heart stopped for a brief second- he recalled Rei's lock being broken, but he thought she'd at least close her door. Had something happened?
20
He jumped the last couple steps. "Rei? Rei, are you in there?"
No answer. He stepped in and (10 seconds left) looked around, catching no sign of his fellow pilot. His eyes fell on the bathroom door. He knocked. "Rei, are you in there?"
No (5) answer. He gulped. He'd normally not consider what he was about to do, especially with past experience, but something was absolutely wrong here- he could feel it.
He reached out and pushed the door open- it gave no resistance.
It was when he saw the monster made up of what appeared to be vomit on the other side that he realized his life was never going to be the same again.
"What the-"
He staggered backwards, stumbled, and landed on his butt. The pile of foul-smelling goop turned to face him- its eyes narrow, its mouth a wide-open maw full of messy, jagged teeth- its mouth was moving. The pile of vomit's mouth was moving, forming words Shinji couldn't recognize.
Whatever answer this pile of sludge expected to receive, it clearly wasn't Shinji continuously opening and closing his mouth like a confused goldfish. It... snarled, and began pulling its way towards him on long, dripping arms.
"Oh, no you don't!"
Shinji's brain was on the verge of shutting down- it took him a full three seconds to realize a new boy had arrived, stepping deftly between him and the vomitous monster. It was a tall boy, perhaps an inch or two taller than Shinji himself, dressed in a yellow-and-blue striped polo and blue jeans. In his right hand was a steel baseball bat, and atop his head was a red baseball cap.
"Wha- I... I don't-"
The pile had turned away from him- it was now focusing on this strange new boy, its eyes narrowed in fury.
That... that puke is... angry?
Its lips were moving again, but this time, Shinji understood its words. "You!"
"Yup!" the boy answered back, popping the 'p.' "What, you thought you could go off spreading your puke everywhere and I wouldn't come with?"
Shinji blinked, wondering once more if he was seeing things- the boy's left hand was starting to glow with a blue light- he raised it up and yelled, "Psi Freeze!"
The temperature in the small apartment noticeably dropped- a vortex of cold air swirled around the slimy pile, and frost began to build up upon it, forcing it to a halt even as it attempted to reach out to Shinji's sudden savior.
Speaking of, the boy had turned around, finally revealing his face- a pair of bright green eyes beamed at him from under black bangs. He adopted a gentle smile as he extended his non-bat-wielding hand- fortunately, it was no longer glowing blue with sub-zero temperatures. "Alright, bud- up you get! Can't sit around here all day!"
Shinji couldn't have hidden his mixed shock, horror, and befuddlement if he'd tried, but he at least managed to take the offered hand and allow the strange boy to hoist him to his feet.
"Alright, we need to get going," the boy declared.
"I- wait! My friend- my friend, Rei was here!"
The boy glanced quickly between Shinji and the frozen pile of vomit- even now, it was slowly regaining use of its limbs. "Snagged a friend of yours, did he? Don't worry, I'll save her- but no point getting you caught too."
"I- but- I can't-"
"Calm down, calm down, okay?" the boy placed a hand on his shoulder. "You got a name, bud?"
"I... Shin... Shinji..."
The boy grinned. "Shinji, huh? Name's Ness Levi- good to meet you, Shin-Shin!" He ducked as the putrid pile finally wrenched an arm free and swung it clumsily at its quarry. "Run for your life!"
Shinji gritted his teeth and followed the boy- Ness- out the door, down the rotting steps, and away from the apartment complex, throwing only one look back. Rei... where are you? I hope you're alright...
XXXX
They had arrived in central Tokyo-3 before Shinji found the strength to speak. "What... what was that thing? An angel?"
"Angel?" Ness blinked in surprise. "Did that thing look like a harp-strumming, horn-blowing bringer of love to you?"
Shinji blinked in surprise of his own. While details of NERV's ongoing war were, of course, highly confidential, he was pretty certain the fact that the eldritch abominations' title of 'angels,' at least, was pretty common knowledge.
"Er, I mean..."
"That was Master Belch," Ness explained quickly. "He's about as charming as you'd think. He and I go way back."
"I- but... why? What? How?"
"Wish I could tell ya more, Shin-Shin, but really, I've probably said too much already."
Shinji finally asked the question that was clearest on his mind- or at least tried to. "Did... did he... would he..."
Ness paused, turning to face him directly with a clear look of sympathy. "No, I don't think so. I'm sure Ayanami's still alive- and I'll get her back, I promise."
Shinji paused- something about that statement was strange. Should he even be surprised, though? Everything about this boy and this situation was strange! "I... but... how... who are you?"
"I told you- I'm Ness Levi!" The boy donned a bright, winning smile and threw out a peace sign. "Accept no substitutes!"
"Yeah, but... who are you?" As Shinji actually wrapped his head around the events of the past half hour or so, his breath began to grow ragged. "What was that thing- how did you freeze it?! Are-"
"Hey, hey, hey, relax, there, bud!" Ness seemed to grow concerned- in a second, he'd produced a paper bag and, after taking a second to dump a small hamburger from it, held it up to Shinji's mouth. "Here... breathe in, out. In, out. Try to slow down- deep breaths."
Shinji found himself obeying, and very slowly, his breathing and heart rate began to steady.
"There... better?"
"A... a little," Shinji admitted- though he still felt dizzy.
"Alright, tell ya what- I can't talk much now. Give me a night to figure out what's safe to tell you- meet up with me tomorrow, and I'll explain what I can. In the meantime, I'll go find that friend of yours, alright?"
Shinji stood there, uncertain of what to say. It was incredible how swiftly his life had turned upside down.
Finally, he choked out, "There's... there's a... a coffee shop... not too far from here..."
"Sounds like a plan!" Shinji grinned. "Meet ya there after school tomorrow! Oh, and..." The previously confident boy suddenly looked remarkably shy. "I'd appreciate it if you didn't tell anyone else about me, alright?"
Before Shinji could work up an answer, Ness had already taken off, leaving an absolutely befuddled Shinji in his wake.
But I... I didn't actually tell him where the coffee shop-
His thoughts screeched to a halt as he finally realized what was odd about Ness's earlier promise. I'm sure Ayanami's still alive...
He hadn't told Ness Rei's family name.
XXXX
"You're back quicker than I thought!" Misato commented over her latest can of yebisu when Shinji re-entered his apartment, never again to be the same as when he'd departed.
"I... uh... I..." He didn't know how to explain what had happened to her- how could he? He'd half been hoping that she wouldn't even be here, that she'd already have gone to NERV headquarters and would be rallying him and Asuka in the Evas- not that he liked piloting, but it would confirm that that monster had been an angel, something he understood- not... not this unknowable... thing!
"Well, looks like you got her her schoolwork, at least," Misato observed.
Shinji clenched and unclenched his hand- he'd forgotten why he'd gone over there in the first place. He supposed he must have dropped Rei's papers when he'd hit the ground in shock.
Misato's eyes narrowed- she could be surprisingly perceptive for someone who'd just started her fourth beer in two hours. "Something wrong, Shin-chan? You look like you've seen a ghost!"
"Please, knowing him, a bird snapped at him, and he wet his pants."
Shinji spun around to see his other roommate, Asuka Langley Soryu entering the room, rolling her eyes as she finished toweling off her hair. To this day, he couldn't make heads or tails of this firebrand girl- he knew she was capable of showing kindness, but other times, like now, she seemed to brush him aside as if he were nothing.
"Oh, don't be like that, Asuka," Misato rolled her eyes.
"I won't apologize for telling the truth!" Asuka huffed, sticking her nose momentarily in the air.
Everything was so... normal, it was hard to believe Rei had vanished, leaving only some sort of puke-monster in her place.
He blinked when he found Asuka's index finger in his face. She was saying something. "Uh..."
"Yare yare dawa," she groaned- a phrase she'd recently picked up from one of her mangas and had been religiously applying to her everyday speech since. She followed up with "What are you, stupid?" which she'd used religiously in her everyday speech as long as he'd known her. "It's time for you to make dinner!"
"Dinner- right!" It was his turn for dinner, though he felt as if he'd have volunteered to cook even if it wasn't. Cooking was one of the few things he enjoyed. It was familiar- safe. He needed that right now, as sure as he felt he needed it after most angel attacks. "Anything in particular you want?"
Asuka studied his gaze for a moment, then 'hmphed' again. "Anything's fine tonight."
There it was again- one of those random moments of kindness. She almost always had some sort of preference in what he fed her, and there was nothing stopping her from requesting something particularly complicated tonight, and yet he thought- or perhaps hoped?- that she had noted his distress and sought to ease it, just a bit.
Yeah, right, spoke the dark part of his brain- that which he always fought to keep down. You're just projecting your desires onto her as usual... pervert.
He shook his head quickly from side to side as he moved to the kitchen. Maybe Asuka didn't particularly care what he made, and he'd long since come to the conclusion that Misato had killed her own taste buds with years of beer and crappy instant food, but the deeper he got into his cooking, the less he was likely to think about the elephant in the room- or rather, the elephant he'd stumbled upon in Rei's apartment.
XXXX
"Pictures taken instantaneously!"
Shinji jumped in his seat- he'd been so deep in thought that he hadn't noticed his friend Kensuke Aida materializing in front of his school desk with a photo camera in hand, aiming it directly at Shinji's face with a wide grin. "I'm a photographic genius, if I do say so myself! Ready? Say 'fuzzy pickles!'"
A flash went off, and Shinji's eyes spun. "Er... was I really all that picture-worthy?"
"You're actin' like Ken needs a reason to snap," interjected his other friend, Toji Suzuhara- a taller boy with untidier hair and a sports jacket over his school uniform. "He sees somethin', he snaps it, simple as."
"You know me too well," Kensuke shook his head in exaggerated dismay. "Still, though- you don't look too good, Shinji."
"He's right, now that I look at ya," Toji agreed, bending down to Shinji's level. "Red eyes, bags under- you gettin' enough sleep, Shin-man?"
"I guess I... was tossing and turning a bit last night," Shinji admitted. Of course, he couldn't tell them why he'd slept so poorly- that even when he'd drifted off, it had been with a nose wide open for any traces of a foul odor- his eyes ever on his door, in case brown sludge began leaking its way in.
He'd awoken in the morning half-thinking (half-hoping) that it had all been some bizarre nightmare. Even here, he hadn't entirely given up on that hope. Even seeing Rei absent from class wasn't a deal-breaker- she was out on NERV business so often the teacher only called her name in the morning out of habit, and made no comment when she didn't reply.
Still, eyeing that empty seat insisted on sending a chill down his spine.
Without even noticing the dirty looks Asuka occasionally fired his way, noticing his gaze always in Rei's direction, even when she was gone.
XXXX
The bell rang to release the students from their educational prison, and Shinji made his way steadily towards the front gate before pausing. As little as he wished to remember, he found himself recalling his encounter with the boy the previous day- the boy who had promised to meet up with him at the nearby Standbakes coffee shop and explain what was happening. He looked left, towards downtown Tokyo-3 and the Standbakes therein, then to the right, which would lead him back to his apartment, where he could continue his campaign to forget the boy and the monster alike...
His campaign to ignore Rei's disappearance...
"What are you doing?"
Shinji jumped at the exasperated voice behind him- a glimpse of fiery hair told him exactly what he'd stumbled into. "Oh, Asuka, I-"
"What are you, stupid? Are you going home or not?"
Suddenly, his choice became far more urgent. "Er- no, I- I was thinking of going to Standbakes-"
"The coffee shop? What, meeting up with the First?"
"Wha- no, that's not-"
"Good! Then you can treat me instead!" Asuka reached out and grabbed him by the wrist, dragging him unwittingly down the left path, practically making the choice for him.
He blinked as he allowed himself to be dragged along- what was this? Why did Asuka care where he was going after school? And why insist on coming along?
He was nowhere near reaching an answer to either question by the time Asuka finally released him in front of the door to the shop itself.
"Er..." He looked blankly from her to the door.
Asuka crossed her arms. "I believe it's common courtesy for the man to open the door for the lady?"
"Oh... alright..."
He stepped meekly forward and opened the door, holding it open for her- he wasn't sure if he imagined her slight nod of approval as she stepped through, taking a seat at a nearby table without so much as glancing back at him.
He only hesitated slightly before letting the door close and heading to the table in question himself. He glanced around, wondering if the boy was here already. Perhaps, if he was fortunate, it really was all a dream, he'd conclude this date with Asuka, go home, and Rei would turn up at school the next day.
His mind screeched to a halt- date with Asuka? Was this a date? He and Asuka, sitting together at a coffee shop...
He must have turned red at the thought, because Asuka's eyes narrowed. "What are you thinking, you idiot?"
"Nothing!" he quickly denied.
"Hmph- you'd better!" She briefly stuck her nose in the air, just as a young waitress stopped by and took their order.
For a long moment, they sat in silence- Shinji had no idea what to say. He was only here to meet a boy who may or may not actually exist, he'd never counted on Asuka forcing her way in. What was he supposed to say?
Fortunately (or perhaps unfortunately) Asuka finally broke the silence. "So, who were you planning on meeting here, if not Wondergirl?"
"Oh, um..." A boy who saved me from a puke monster at Rei's apartment yesterday, he didn't say.
"What are you, stupid?" Asuka challenged. "I know you didn't get the idea to come out here on your own- given the choice, you'd always just go back home and curl up in your room. So who were you planning on meeting?"
Shinji hesitated as the waitress brought them their coffee. He looked down at his own order, his reflection clear in the black liquid.
Asuka wrinkled her nose. "Really? Black?"
"My teacher... said that if you're going to fill it with cream and sugar, you may as well not be drinking coffee."
Asuka sniffed and moved to take a drink from her caramel frappuccino. Before her lips had even touched the straw, however, their waiter was back, adjusting his collar. "I'm sorry, ma'am, we've had a recall on our caramel- please, I'll take that back and get you something new, okay?"
"No, not okay," Asuka fired back, moving the drink away from him. "I ordered a caramel frappuccino, I'm drinking a caramel frappuccino! Get lost."
She looked away from the waiter towards Shinji. "And what happened at Rei's yesterday? Don't think I didn't notice-"
The waiter cleared his throat. "Ma'am, I appreciate your frustration, but I really can't recommend-"
Asuka growled in aggravation. "Why are you still here? I told you, I'm drinking this order whether you like it or not!"
As if to spite him, she raised the straw to her lips and began to suck, but before the liquid reached her lips, their waiter smacked the cup from her hand, sending it clear across the shop, splattering against the wall.
Asuka's eyes lit up with fury. "What is wrong with you?!"
It was absolutely Ness Levi- he wasn't even wearing the shop's uniform, still in the polo, jeans, and red cap from the previous day, looking slightly sheepish as Asuka slammed her hands on the table and stood up to glare at him face-to-face.
"Well, you see, the thing about that is-"
"And you!" Shinji winced as Asuka turned her fiery gaze on him. "You know this guy?! Is he the one you were- were..."
Shinji's blood froze at the look on her face as her tirade came to an abrupt, early end. Even more damning, the rancid smell reaching his nostrils, indicating exactly what had stolen her attention. He slowly turned to look where she was and saw exactly what he'd expected- an enormous pile of foul-smelling brown sludge, expanding out from the point her cup had collided with the wall, eyes on stalks above, and a large, fanged mouth opening beneath. "The- the puke monster!"
"The- you know about this thing, Third?!" Asuka's voice rose in pitch as she fought back a wae of fear and confusion with her traditional mein of anger. Around them, the rest of the coffee shop was taking notice of the creature- there were screams as patrons and employees alike rushed towards the exit.
"It- it was in Ayanami's apartment yesterday- I- I thought it was a dream!"
"No dreams, bud!" Ness shook his head. "Glad people are making a quick exit, though- means I don't have to hold back!"
The pilots spun to face him- there was a smirk spreading across his face as he reached into his backpack, he produced-
"Is that a bazooka?!" Asuka's eyes bugged out.
"On loan from Jeff Andonuts!" Ness proudly proclaimed. "You guys might wanna get down."
Shinji was struck dumb as he watched Ness take aim- it took Asuka seizing him by the wrist and forcefully pulling him away to actually do as Ness had suggested before there was a colossal explosion, and bits of puke found their way all over the shop's interior. Asuka was in front of Shinji, and got a great deal of it on her uniform, to her chagrin. "URGH!"
She leapt back to her feet, face wrinkled in revulsion. "What is this?!"
"Like Shin-Shin said, it's puke! That was Master Belch, he's made of the stuff!" Ness chirpily explained. He still hadn't put the large weapon away, eyes raking around the shop. "Knuckle down, I don't think that was the central pile!"
"The central- what the hell are you TALKING about?!" Asuka screamed. "Who the hell are you?!"
Shinji climbed to his feet- thanks to their positioning, he'd been spared from tidal wave of bile. "He- he saved me yesterday, at Rei-" His brain screeched to a halt as he took in the scene before him- namely, the puke that had landed on Asuka beginning to spread across her uniform, and, if he wasn't mistaken, growing an eye or two. "ASUKA!"
"What now, ba- WAS ZUM TEUFEL?!" Her switch to German was a sure sign to anyone of how she felt as she noticed herself being consumed by the sludge.
"Aw, crap," Ness muttered. "This is what I was trying to stop!"
Shinji backed away in awestruck horror as Asuka was consumed by the reforming creature. "I... you... what do we do?!"
Ness's brows had furrowed together as he took in the situation. "I do have one technique for moments like this."
"DO IT!" Asuka ordered, bound to the ground, unable to move as the filth swallowed her up.
"Do it!" Shinji agreed, looking between his roommate and the strange boy.
"Alright then- key to our strategy is Master Belch's lack of legs. He really is just a pile of barf. That's the key!"
"Whatever you're going to do, do it fa-" Asuka growled before her mouth- and subsequently, the rest of her face- was swallowed up, the pile now taking on that familiar wretched form.
"HURRY!" Shinji pleaded.
"Alright, so dig your feet into the ground," Ness instructed. "Stiffen your legs, and... RUN AWAY!"
Shinji had to do a double-take to confirm that yes, the strange American boy had turned and was sprinting in the opposite direction from the shop. "Wait- wait!" He didn't know what to do anymore, but all he knew was that this boy was the key to getting Rei and Asuka back, and he was running away. He did the only thing he could think of and took off after him.
As they ran, Shinji began to notice something in the way Ness was running- it wasn't at random, like he might expect if all that was on his mind was fleeing the scene- it was more calculated, like he knew where he as going. An idea began to form in his mind- that Ness wasn't running away from the monster as much as he was running towards something else.
Ness paused as he came to the foot of a tall building, finally turning to look at Shinji. "You followed me?"
"I... that thing..." Shinji panted. "It has... my friends... I can't... let it..."
Ness hesitated, looking between Shinji and the top of the building, as if trying to convince himself of something. "I mean... yeah, I know what Jeff said... but..."
Finally, he seemed to come to an agreement. "Alright, Shin-Shin, I'll show you my secret weapon, under two conditions."
Shinji hesitated a second himself, but finally nodded. "Name them."
"First, what you see, you keep to yourself. Everything from here on is tip-top-tippity-top secret, alright?"
Shinji paused- it took the memory of Asuka's face being swallowed up by sludge to jolt him back into action. "Right, I won't tell anyone!"
"Rule 2- you gotta do everything I say without second-guessing me- we're dealing with some dangerous stuff here, and I won't always have the time to explain everything, got it?"
Shinji cringed a little inside as it occurred to him that following directions without question was something he was already quite adept at. "I agree."
Ness nodded, and broke into a grin. "Then welcome aboard, Shin-Shin! Let's get to saving your friends! Henshin-a-gogo, baby!"
Shinji was taken aback. "Er... transform?"
"I know it doesn't really mean anything," Ness readily admitted. "I just like the sound of it."
With no further comment, he turned and entered the building, dashing up the stairs, Shinji hot on his tail.
When they finally emerged onto the sunny roof, Shinji saw what he initially took for a satellite- a large metal orb perched on the roof atop three legs. Around the 'equator' of the orb was a ring that made it look something like a classic flying saucer in American folklore, and just above that was a series of round windows looking out on the rest of the world. From the top protruded a large antenna.
"What... what is this?" Shinji asked, eyes wide- he'd never seen anything like it before.
"Phase distorter mark 4," Ness explained quickly as he took a small device out of his pocket. With a click and a beep, a hatch opened up on the orb's side, and a set of metal stairs descended to permit him entrance. "I'd explain more, but as they say, seeing is believing!"
Shinji hesitated as Ness entered the orb. It didn't look too small for the two of them together, but it did seem like it would be a little cramped.
A second after entering, Ness's hand emerged and he beckoned quickly. "You wanna help your friends, don't ya? Come in!"
Abandoning his apprehensions, Shinji jogged up the steps and into-
A sharp gasp escaped him when he spied the inside of what Ness had dubbed the 'phase distorter.' He circled around it, feeling the metal in search of the trick, but could find nothing. Finally, he took a deep breath, and stepped back in.
Nothing had changed- what greeted him within the phase distorter was a large chamber- even that was downplaying it somewhat. It seemed more like a small apartment, roughly the same size as the one he shared with Asuka and Misato, in fact. A kitchen area, a couple of doors leading to what he imagined to be a bedroom or bathroom, and a living room- except where there might be a television in a normal apartment, there was a seat behind a large control panel- a monitor surrounded by buttons, switches, and levers.
"What... how...?!"
"Bigger on the inside- saturnian technology," Ness explained offhandedly- he had already taken his seat at the control panel- he was flipping switches and typing commands as he spoke.
"Sat-saturnian-"
"I Am bEiNG mr. SaTuRN, bOIng!" came a new, startling voice- Shinji looked to what he was suddenly thinking of as the 'kitchen table,' upon which was standing a bizarre creature, the likes of which he'd never seen before. It was small, and seemed to more or less be a head on small, stubby legs. It had a large nose, on either side of which was a trio of small whiskers. Small, beady black eyes were perched beneath large, rectangular eyebrows, and a single hair stood proud on top, tied with a small bow.
Shinji took a baffled step back. "What- who- how-" His brain was starting to shut down from the sheer amount of absurdity it was being expected to process.
"That's one of those Mr. Saturns I was talking about- they helped build this thing!" Ness called over his shoulder. "Doc here decided to come along to make sure things went smoothly!"
"PleASed to bE MEetinG yOu, DinG diNG!" the 'Mr. Saturn' did its best to bow in greeting.
"I... I don't understand anything!" Shinji gasped, collapsing into one of the chairs around the 'kitchen table.' "This... this is all insane!"
"I was afraid of that," Ness sighed, glancing back at him. "Doc, get our guest a cool drink, will ya?"
"JeFF-JeFf say WE noT SUpposeD to BrINg anYoNE on BoARd." 'Doc' Saturn noted in what seemed like the closest a voice like that could come to chastisement as it headed to a fridge and produced a can of soda. Shinji didn't see how he picked it up without hands, but a second later, it was coming to him atop the saturn's head.
"Don't worry about Jeff, I'll explain everything," Ness promised.
Shinji looked down at the drink he was being offered. "Er... thanks." He took it and almost unconsciously popped it open.
"DaKoTa!" 'Doc' bowed his head again. Shinji took a drink of the clear, cool, refreshing liquid, and took a deep breath.
"So, somehow, this is gonna help us save Asuka and Rei?"
"That's the plan!"
"But... how?"
"Just give it a second- and hold on to something, first trip's a doozy!"
"First tri-" Shinji started- a second later, he was tasting colors.
The center of his eyesight had become a black circle, giving off more black circles around it in waves that extended- as far as he could tell from his limited vantage point- into infinity. They started slowly, but steadily grew faster and faster, his eyes spinning rapidly around in his sockets. He was overcome with nausea, and closed his eyes against the increasingly sickening outside world, bending over onto the table.
He was vastly relieved when the rings disappeared, and the 'phase distorter' ground to a halt- Shinji had been so caught up on the nausea that he hadn't noticed the sphere's rumbling until it had stopped.
"What... what was that?" he finally choked out.
"Like I said, seeing is believing," Ness grinned, hopping out of the control seat. "C'mon, Shin-Shin, up for another jog?"
Shinji felt as though he was still catching his breath when Ness lifted him from the seat and pulled him towards the exit.
He looked around and gasped in surprise- they were no longer on the same rooftop. "We... we moved!"
"Oh, you ain't seen nuthin' yet," Ness smirked. "Doc, keep the distorter safe!"
"WiLl Do, wILl dO, zOom!"
"What... what's going on?"
"Little bit at a time, Shin-Shin, little bit at a time!" Ness chastised lightly as he took the lead in descending the building. "What do you want to know first?"
"What is this thing?" Shinji finally decided. "What is Master Belch?"
Ness gave an intake of air that could have been a sigh or a laugh. "I guess you're looking for a more thorough answer than 'a pile of barf,' huh? Fair enough. He and I have fought before- I'm sure you guessed that part already. He was kicking up a fuss in a town not too far from mine, so me and some friends got together to stop him. Truth be told, running into him again here is more of a coincidence than anything."
"You... you fought it?" Shinji asked, hoping he was pouring all his remaining questions into those three words.
Ness smiled back at him. "Yup! Y'see, me and my friends, we're something you might call psychics!"
Shinji almost stopped in his tracks. "Ps-psychics?!"
Ness flashed him another grin, and snapped his fingers- at the tips, a small yellow flame appeared- then quickly flickered out. He glanced at his fingers and flicked them as if in irritation, then sighed. "Fire was always more Paula's thing... but you get what I'm saying! Jeff's tried to run some studies- he calls it 'Cognitive Psience.' Science with a p- that's important. More emphasis on the supernatural than your usual science."
A cold hand suddenly gripped Shinji's heart as he recalled the previous day, when Ness had somehow known Ayanami's family name without him having actually said it. "Can you... can you read..." He didn't even want to finish the sentence, but Ness seemed to pick up the gist of it.
"I'm not gonna lie... yeah, I can read your mind. I try not to do it unless I really have to, but sometimes, little bits slip in without me meaning it- sorry 'bout that."
The chill spread to the rest of Ness's body- he didn't want to believe it, but amongst all the other crazy things happening today, he couldn't help but accept it as truth- the boy ahead of him could read his mind as easily as reading a book, and the only guarantee he had that he wouldn't was his word- something Shinji was practically conditioned to disregard. He suddenly had second thoughts about entrusting Rei and Asuka's safety to this boy- but if Ness was picking up on these doubts, he made no comment on them.
Instead, he raised a hand. "Stop- we're here!"
Shinji looked ahead, and felt another hammer blow to his rapidly dwindling sanity.
Ness had led them back to the coffee shop he'd entered with Asuka what seemed like a lifetime ago. Master Belch was still there.
And so were Ness and Shinji.
Shinji struggled to maintain consciousness as he watched a copy of himself stand nearby Ness, until the other Ness called "RUN AWAY!" at the top of his lungs and took off in the opposite direction. Shinji watched his own other take off in pursuit.
"What... I don't..."
"The phase distorter..." Ness grinned. "Is a time machine!"
"...Eh?" It was the only sound that Shinji could muster.
"I didn't just move us through the city, I moved us ten minutes back in time, so we could see where Mister Monster takes Lady Red Locks! If I'm right, it'll be taking her to its base of operations- and there, we should find the central pile!"
"C...central..." Nope, his brain was still struggling to catch up to what was happening.
"All these different piles, working as one hive mind- but the central pile is the one really pulling the strings!" Ness explained quickly. "Take it down, the rest will follow. C'mon! I guarantee Belch isn't the type to kill perfectly good worker bees- wherever his hideout is, there Rei'll be!"
Shinji was wordlessly looking at the clock on his SDAT- he always kept it perfectly synched to the city's time- it was just as Ness had said, his SDAT was now ten minutes ahead of the clock going on the nearest skyscraper.
"Look, I get getting caught up on the whole 'time machine' thing," Ness acknowledged, perhaps a little impatiently, "but do you want to save your girlfriend or not?"
Shinji's face lit up a vibrant red. "I- they aren't my-"
Ness was smirking. "But I woke you up, didn't I? C'mon, our guide is getting away!"
Shinji looked and saw the pile of sludge carrying Asuka sludging its way downtown, towards some unknown goal. He looked at Ness and nodded. "Alright... let's do this."
XXXX
Asuka Langley Soryu was not having a good day. Her efforts at plumbing the mind of the Third Child had gone sideways in ways she couldn't have possibly predicted, and now she was swallowed by a monster made of vomit carrying her to Gott-alone-knows-where. Whatever that other boy's plan had been, it seemed to have failed- though given that plan A had been to nearly blow up the coffee shop, perhaps she should consider herself lucky on that front.
Now she was clenching her mouth shut in the desperate hopes that the sludge and bile didn't make its way onto her tongue. She'd already tried fighting her way out, but the blob was surprisingly durable for not being made out of solid material.
She wasn't sure how long she was in this state of noisome limbo- could have been a few minutes, could have been a few days- but she was immensely relieved when she finally felt the blob give way around her, seemingly spitting her up onto solid ground.
"I'm going to murder somebody..." she muttered as she lay momentarily prone on what felt like a concrete surface. "I don't know who, but it isn't going to be pleasant."
"I'm afraid I cannot recommend committing murder simply to work off your aggravation. I believe the consequences would outweigh the rewards."
Asuka's head snapped up. "Wondergirl?!"
Standing over her was Rei Ayanami, from her pale blue hair to her blood-red eyes. The only thing off was her clothes- instead of her traditional school uniform or plugsuit, she was dressed in what looked like a work uniform, something that wouldn't be out of place at WcDonald's, the local burger joint. She was even wearing a blue visor.
"What... are you wearing?!"
"My work uniform. Master Belch is a decent employer, by my estimation, though he doesn't provide dental, and my retirement plan leaves something to be desired."
Asuka's eye twitched. "Are you screwing with me, First?"
"Not at all, Pilot Soryu. Our work here includes no screwing except lids onto jars."
Asuka looked around, and realized she was in what seemed to be a vast, underground chamber populated primarily by more piles of vomit of various sizes. A conveyor belt was running back and forth along the chamber, carrying jars of some off-yellow substance filled with small black spots.
"What the hell...?"
"That was much my first reaction, as well."
Asuka was turning back to Rei when another pile of puke- significantly larger than the one that had captured her- appeared with a ball and chain that it spat at her feet, then looked at her expectantly.
"You do not expect me to put that thing on myself," Asuka snarled, crossing her arms.
The blob spoke in a low, gruff voice. "It puts the chain on or it gets the puke again."
Asuka bristled at being called 'it,' but before she could voice her displeasure, Ayanami was talking again.
"It's not so awful, Pilot Soryu. After my first eight-hour shift, I was given ten minutes to take a ten-minute shower before my second eight-hour shift."
Asuka blinked. "Wondergirl, have you even slept since you were kidnapped?"
"I last awoke forty-two hours ago."
"That... explains more than I'm willing to admit."
XXXX
Ness and Shinji stood just at the edge of the door to the vast chamber, looking down. "Yup, this was basically his MO last time, too."
"Since when were the sewers this big?" Shinji pondered, looking around.
"Belch has probably been doing expansions of his own. Whatever this is, he's been planning this for a while."
"What is this?!" Shinji asked desperately.
"A fly honey factory," Ness whispered. "Belch's favorite snack."
"Fly honey?"
"Bees make bee honey, flies make fly honey," Ness said as if this explained anything. "Now, here's what we're gonna do: I'm gonna rush out there and draw Belch's attention. We have a history, he'll put all eyes on me. You take this-" Ness slid his backpack off- "and save your friends over there."
Shinji looked inside and wished that he was surprised to find that it, too, was larger within than the outside would suggest. "...Saturnian technology?"
"Now you're catching on!" Ness smiled. "Alright, break!"
"Wait, how-" Shinji started, but Ness had already rushed down into the chamber, where he let out a sonorous cry.
"BEEEEEEEEEELCH!"
XXXX
"BEEEEEEEEEELCH!"
"It's that idiot!" Asuka's eyes widened.
"Hmm... a new coworker already?" Rei pondered. "It took Mister Belch a full day to find you."
"Dammit, Wondergirl, I-"
Asuka trailed off when she noticed the slimy pile that had just been threatening her to put on a ball and chain had diverted its attention towards the boy in the red cap, already sliding across the ground. "This is our chance! Let's get out of here!"
"I would, but I find myself weighed down," Rei pointed out, adjusting her foot in its own ball and chain.
"Dammit, that's right," Asuka grumbled. "Well, I guess we'll just have to-"
"Asuka! Rei!" They both spun around (Rei with significantly more difficulty) to find Shinji approaching them with a red backpack over his shoulders. "We followed the pile that abducted you, Asuka- are you two okay?"
"Do I look okay, Third?!" Asuka growled.
"I believe my condition is stable," Rei nodded. "Though I do wish my job here included dental care."
Shinji stared at her for a second. "Um... right... well, c'mon, let's get you out of here!"
He foraged around in the backpack (Asuka convinced herself that it was a trick of her no-doubt addled mind that made it seem as though he reached in up to the shoulder) before producing something that looked like a remote. "Er... let's see..."
He aimed it at the ball and chain and pressed a button- a beam came out, and the chain was immediately destroyed. "Er... I don't think I dare aim that at the manacle."
"That will do, Ikari-kun," Rei assured him. "Now, please allow me to clock out. This has been a fascinating experience, but I do wish to relax at home for the moment."
"Forget clocking out, Wondergirl!" Asuka snarled in exasperation.
"Apologies, Pilot Soryu, but current labor laws clearly state-"
"WHAT IS THAAAAAAAAT?!" Shinji gaped. Asuka and Rei turned. Asuka's jaw dropped. Rei sighed.
"Oh dear. I believe the boss is angry."
XXXX
"BEEEEEEEEELCH!" Ness called out. "You wanted me, don't ya? Well, here I am!"
Sure enough, all the vast piles of vomit in the underground chamber turned their attention towards him, growling and beginning to sludge their way towards him. He smirked, twirling his baseball bat, glowing with psychic energy. He pointed it at the nearest pile, and a series of psychedelic diamonds seemed to emerge, blowing it away.
"You are as aggravating as ever," came a deep, growling voice. "But you cannot stop us. We are legion, for we are many."
"Spare me the Bible quotes, Paula's catching me up already," Ness smirked as he continued fighting off the hoard. "Why not spill why you're in this time and place to begin with?"
A deep, rumbling laugh. "You know who brought me here. But I'm not interested in any big plans... I just wanted a new place to manufacture fly honey."
"But there was a deal, wasn't there?" Ness challenged, as with some difficulty, he managed to freeze another batch of vomit before breaking them apart with his bat. "He wouldn't have brought you here just to make some fly honey!"
"Enough questions! I will not reveal any secrets-"
"I see," Ness smirked. "So you're looking for someone, are you?"
"YOU LITTLE BRAT!"
Lights came on throughout the chamber, and the core pile of Master Belch appeared- a towering wall of rancid bodily fluids with eyes the size of beach balls and a wide open mouth the size of a swimming pool.
Ness's smirk wavered.
"You have done enough damage to our plans! YOU WILL NOT LEAVE THIS PLACE ALI-"
There was a sound like something screaming as what looked like a missile screeched through the air and hit the right eye, destroying it and a significant extra portion of the face.
Shinji's eyes widened, looking to Asuka, currently holding the bazooka Ness had used in the coffee shop. "Nice shot!"
"I've been waiting to do that," Asuka growled. "Now come on!"
She grabbed Rei and Shinji's wrists (Rei had been attempting to slink away to clock out) and began dragging them to the exit.
"But... what about Ness?" Shinji couldn't help asking.
"What, that's his name?" Asuka asked. "I'm sure he can handle himself."
"She's right!" Ness called. "Don't worry, I've got everything under control!"
He smirked again as they rushed towards the door. "Okay... talk about a trial by fire, here. Hope you're as good of a teacher as Paula, Poo..."
He blasted away the nearest piles before taking a stance. "PK... STARSTORM!"
Summoned as if from nowhere, a shower of meteors came crashing down, tearing through Master Belch and all of his extensions. "NOOOOO! NOT AGAIIIIIIIN!"
Ness was ready to smirk at his vanquished foe... until he realized that bits of the chamber were being rent asunder as well. "Oh... that's probably bad..."
He turned and began making his own way towards the door, bits of debris falling and collapsing around him. "Yup, bad, bad, bad, BAD!"
He was in sight of the door when he tripped and fell spectacularly. He looked back, and winced- one last thread of Master Belch had reached out and captured him. "You... you... YOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUU!"
"NESS!"
Shinji was there, the odd remote-like device still in his hand- he took aim at the pile of vomit currently clinging to Ness's leg and pressed the button again- the beam appeared and destroyed the arm with which the pile clung on.
"DEATH BEAM!" Ness grinned, taking Shinji's hand as he got back to his feet. "Always thinking, Jeff!"
Together, the two dashed into the narrow tunnels they'd entered through, just in time to avoid the boulder that fell down and sealed the exit.
Rei and Asuka were there, too. Asuka was red-faced as she looked at Shinji. "You idiot! You could have gotten yourself killed!"
"Yeah, but... he saved us... I couldn't have left him..." Shinji panted.
"I fear Mister Belch will be very cross with me for leaving without clocking off," Rei fretted.
Asuka turned to her in disbelief. "Will you shut up about your stupid boss, already?!"
Ness examined his leg, still reeking of bile- but it was making no effort to spread. He smiled. "Don't worry about your boss. Belch is dead, baby- Belch is dead."
"I'd hope so, after having that entire room collapse on him!" Asuka growled. "Now, if you don't mind, I'm going home before something else stupid happens!"
She turned and made to stomp off, but halted after only a few steps. "...Which way is the exit?"
Shinji struggled to keep his laugh to himself.
XXXX
The sun was setting when they made it to the surface- Asuka didn't hesitate to immediately set off back towards Misato's apartment. The only words she offered the others were various threats as to what would happen if they ever spoke of this day again. Rei was calmer, but no less eager to return home and get some sleep, leaving Ness and Shinji on their own.
"So... where are you going now?" Shinji asked tentatively.
"Who can tell?" Ness shrugged. "I'm sure you've picked up by now, I'm not from this time- first thing I should probably do is go back home and check in with my friends. After that, who knows?"
Shinji looked nervously around. "Are there... more things out there... like Master Belch?"
"You mean, living piles of puke? No, he's one of a kind, thankya God."
"But... other things?"
Ness chuckled. "I think this is where I'm supposed to say, 'There are more things on Heaven and Earth than have been dreamt of in our philosophy.' That's what Jeff said once, at least."
Shinji glanced out of the corner of his eye, half-expecting one such creature to come lurching out into the street.
Ness smiled and patted his shoulder. "Tell ya what- I'll keep an ear out, and if anything else like this happens, I'll be back and bail you out again, okay?"
The statement raised several more questions in Shinji's mind, but he couldn't bring himself to ask them at this point.
"In the meantime, go home and get some rest- seriously, you're looking a little pale!"
He grinned and turned off into the setting sun. Shinji kept an eye on him before turning towards home.
XXXX
All Asuka wanted to do was re-enter the apartment, get a nice, long, hot shower, and go to sleep.
She was greatly frustrated when she'd hardly even stepped in before Misato called out, "Oh, Asuka! Mail call!"
Asuka let out a wookie-like groan of frustration. "Don't care!"
Misato peeked her head out of the kitchen, wrinkling her nose as the rancid smell met it. "What happened to you?"
"I do not want to talk about it," Asuka grumbled. "Between me and the shower? Not a good place to be standing."
"Fair enough," Misato backed down, still quirking a brow as Asuka passed by.
She spent a full hour in the shower, making sure every last trace of the muck she'd spent far too long in before climbing out, feeling more refreshed than ever.
Strange how that works, she pondered. The filthier you are, the better you feel when you clean up...
Her thoughts strayed away when she spied the letter on the table. It didn't seem like a love letter, otherwise she'd have just shredded it immediately. She eyed it curiously- there was no return address, no sender. She resolved to ask Misato about how it had actually found its way here in the first place the next day.
Finally, she opened it with minimal trouble to find a single tri-folded piece of paper with only eight words on it, in German. She raked her eyes back and forth, feeling an intense anger wash over her:
Komm und hol mich, Verlierer! Versohlen, versohlen, versohlen!
XXXX
She kept the letter to herself the next day on the way to school. Shinji, mercifully, made no effort to speak to her about the insane events of the previous day, simply plodding along next to her. She swore, when she found out who thought it would be funny to prank her like that...
Shinji, meanwhile, was happy that things had mostly returned to normal. He breathed a heavy sigh of relief when he took his seat at his desk, and glanced over to see Ayanami, present, properly dressed, and gazing out of the window.
"Hey, guys, did you hear about what happened yesterday?" He vaguely heard Kensuke say. "There was a bomb or something at Standbakes- you know, the coffee shop? Man, never a dull moment around here, I tell you-"
He was in the middle of trying to disappear into his seat when Hikari Horaki, the class rep, spoke up. "Everybody quiet! The teacher's coming!"
(Ten seconds.)
Shinji wasn't certain why the ominous feeling suddenly swept over him the way it did. He gulped as he looked up and (seven seconds) saw their ancient mummy of a teacher shamble his way into the room. "Perhaps some of you have heard," he choked out, "that we have a new transfer student today. I ask you to please welcome him with open arms..."
Almost unconsciously, he and Asuka glanced at each other for the last three seconds before they turned and saw the new transfer student- an American-looking boy with dark hair, bright green eyes, and a wide grin. He wrote his name on the chalkboard in what seemed like perfect kanji before turning to the class with a grin and his hands on his hips.
"Hello! My name's Ness Levi- I'm an ordinary transfer student, just passing through! I hope we all get along!"
XXXX
This pilot is a lot longer than I initially planned. Still, I hope you enjoyed, and were able to forgive the mortal sin I've comitted here today. If you find yourself at all interested, I cordially invite you to the main story in the proper crossover section, or over on Ao3! Until next time, don't you dare go hollow- Gamer4 out!