Chapter 1: Quiet little mountain town
Dear Dairy,
so here we are again.
Moved after a few weeks in Seattle now to this shitty little town named South Park in buttfucking Colorado.
I already hate it here.
It's a tiny hole, in the middle of nowhere, right at the Meridian of misery and suffering.
This town doesn't even have a Game Stop!
How the hell I'm supposed to get new cards for my YU-GI-OH! Deck and buy new games and anime merchandise?
Back to Amazon, it seems.
Gosh, I bet these people don't even know what cosplay is!
Why did we need to move again?
I was happy in Seattle.
I had a nice group of friends and hot Serena Matthews wanted to go on a second date with me!
And yet, poof, again, my nomadic parents had us moved.
I will never understand them.
I'm only eleven, my body started puberty and I can't outlive it because my parents get this urge to randomly move us from here to there.
This is such bullshit!
I wanna be a pre-teen, watch anime and talk about it with friends. Play Duel Monsters and betting asses. Cosplaying and playing video games and dear heaven kiss girls, boys, or whatever!
Serena was such a good kisser!
And her red hair was so lovely!
In this hicktown, there aren't for sure bisexual people like me. Or god forbid lesbians. I don't think I will like the straight dudes in this town.
I'm allergic to straight.
Yuck!
Okay, jokes aside, why this little shit town?
Couldn't we move to California, if it was so necessary to move?
I just want to again live on the ocean side.
A loud knock was heard on my door, followed by my Mamma's voice: "Sweetie? Hon, you all dressed?"
I look up from my Dairy. I'm sitting against my bedframe, knees up, balancing my dairy on them, and writing about my woe.
I close it with my red glitter pen between the two pages I wrote for today.
"Yes, Mamma, you can come in.", I let her know.
Not a second later both my parents enter my room.
"Hey, princess. How do you like your new room?", ask me my Papà.
I look around the half-finished room with the still-to-open cartons. It was bigger than my room in Seattle for sure.
"It's all right.", I decide.
This makes my parents smile happily.
At least they are happy.
"I know it's a big change for all of us, but ... princess, do you ... REMEMBER why we moved to this quiet little mountain town?", wants my Papà to know.
I frown and rub my head.
That's actually a good question.
It is all sort of a blur.
I have this sometimes. That I forget things, and can't remember them.
Don't know why, it has always been like this.
I learned to live with it.
The most I remember from our last day in Seattle is asking beautiful Serena for a second date and she agreed. Then going with my gang to Game Stop to buy some more children's card games and then…then I was in our car and my parents told me, that we are moving to South Park.
Yeah, that's about it.
The rest is a black blurb.
I rub my head harder and feel a headache forming. It's better to stop thinking about it.
"Because you got the itch to move again.", I answer my parents with sass.
Normally I would get called out, but strangely my parents seem to be happy about it and are whispering to each other. I can't quite grasp what they mumble to each other.
A frown forms on my face.
If this is not suspicious, I'm straight.
"Uh, sweetie, we want you to have lots of fun here.", turns my Mamma back to me. "Why don't you go out and make some friends?"
"Right, get outside and PLAY, princess. Like ... like normal kids.", adds my Papà.
"Why do you have to say it like that?", I wonder and frown deeper.
My Mamma gives Papà a little whack on the head, which makes him whine and rub the hurting spot.
"Don't listen to your Papà, he is just being silly, right, Chris?"
"Sure, Kelly."
"We've got some money for you on the kitchen counter, sweetie.", informs me, Mamma. "Just ... be back before it gets dark."
Not like I have anything better to do than to whine at my dairy. Maybe I walk will do me good. I hardly doubt I can make friends with these hicktown children.
I'm way too queer for them.
So I put my dairy on my night table and nod.
"Of course, Mamma. I love you both."
Even if you drag me around all of America.
"Yeah, we love you too.", say's Papà for both of them and they leave my room with small smiles on their faces.
I put my hands in the pocket of my pink hoodie and sign.
Well, let's go, shall we?
I sigh loudly and watch how my breath turns white in front of me.
I'm not fucking Elsa and the cold fucking bothers me anytime!
My parents know I love warm places more, but no we had to move to this snowy hicktown.
I hate everything.
I'm glad I put my black jacket over my hoodie and gripped a pink wool hat before I got out of the house.
Dear Ra, how can people survive in this climate?
I walk down the little path to the sidewalk and for the first time today, something interesting happens.
On my left side, a little barricade is up, with a red flag, and written on it is No Humans.
Well, that IS unexpected.
What could this mean?
I decide to go right, maybe I will find some clue about what that is about.
That is when I see two little fourth-graders, one dressed as an elf and the other in a long blue robe, fighting against each other.
These little dudes seem to give their all.
"You shall die by my Warhammer, Drow Elf!", yells the blond-haired boy.
"Nuh-uh!", disagrees the Drow Elf.
"I banish thee to the forest realm!"
"No way, I banished you first! AHA! You can't hold out much longer!"
"Help! Somebody! I can't hold out much longer! Heeeeelp!"
This is all very interesting I decide and has surely to do with the sign I saw. Are they LARPing, perhaps?
Anyway, this hicktown turned exciting from 0 to a solid 8.
I must know what this is about.
But for that, I should help the little blond dude.
So I grip the Drow Elf by his clothes and tear him away from the blond boy.
"Hey, no fair. That's cheating. I'm gonna tell my mom.", whines the Drow Elf and runs away.
Probably to his mom.
The little blond-haired boy smiles up at me, I'm at least a head taller than him, and says: "Thanks, kid. I didn't realize he had a health potion. My- my name is Butters the Merciful. I'm a paladin. I live right next door to you. We should be friends!"
LARPing, called it!
I can live with that!
"It's whatever.", I wave Butters off. What kind of name is this anyway? Weird. "And sure let's be friends."
This makes the little dude happy and I get a new Facebook friend. Why this always happens when I meet new people I haven't the faintest idea.
It's one of a weird me things that I don't get.
"Now that we're friends, you should speak with the Wizard King! He's been talking about your arrival. The Wizard lives this way. In the green house, over there."
"Sure, why not?"
Not like I have anything better to do and I like LARPing. It is really fun.
So I follow Butter, while he asks me questions.
"Hey, where are you from?"
"Was born in Washington D.C., but never really lived there."
"Where'd you live before moving here?"
"Seattle."
"Do you like Colorado?"
"To snowy for my taste."
"Why are you wearing your hair like that?"
"I like bob-cuts. Long hair takes way too much time to groom it."
"You don't talk much, do ya?"
"Meh."
"That's ok, I can talk for both of us!"
You surely do Butters. The little fourth grader is amusing. Really happy-go-lucky it seems.
We reach the green-colored house and my new friend knocks. A little fat kid who tries his hardest to be a wizard opens the door.
With my super detective skills, I detect that this must be the Wizard King. Yet, Butter screams it to the heavens.
At least they seem dedicated to their LARPing.
"So, you are the New Kid.", guesses the Wizard King right. "Your coming was foretold by Coldwell Banker. I am the Wizard King. But the time for talk is not nigh. Let me show you my kingdom."
"All right.", I just say and follow the two smaller boys into the house.
"Ohh, who's your new friend, Eric?", asks a brunette woman the Wizard King.
"Shut up, mom, not now."
The Wizard King or Eric seems to be kind of a dick. I would never talk to my parents like that.
"Hello, ma'am, nice to meet you.", I greet her with my best smile.
She can't even answer as Eric tells me that she isn't part of the game and I shouldn't talk to her.
Wow, rude much?
He is a dick.
Still, I follow him and Butter to his backyard. I'm way too curious about what's there.
"Welcome ... to the Kingdom of Kupa Keep!", presents me, Eric, his backyard.
I must say, you see that the kids tried to make their best what they had and it's kinda okay. Can't expect a masterpiece from 10 years old.
So I simply say: "Nice, dude."
The answer pleases Eric and he gives me a tour. First, he leads me to the Armory where a brunette boy with a silver helmet stands.
"Our weapon shop here is tended by Clyde, a level 14 warrior.", tells me, Eric.
I give Clyde a wave and we move to the stables.
"Here you can see our massive stables, overseen by the level 9 ranger Scott Malkinson, who has the power of diabetes."
What kind of power is diabetes?
From what I know it is a really huge hassle.
I nod to Scott and follow Eric to…Princess Zelda?
The person now before me wears a costume and a blond wig which reminds me a lot of her.
Is Link somewhere too?
Princess Zelda rip-off twirls one of her fake blond locks around her finger and gives a soft giggle.
She pats her eyelashes at me.
I have a feeling she is flirting with me…well she has really beautiful blue eyes from what can I see since her face is covered mostly by her orange parker.
"And here, of course, is the breathtaking and lovely Princess Kenny. The fairest maiden in all the kingdom.", presents Eric her. "Don't ask why Kenny wanted to be a chick, it's just how he seems to be rolling right now."
Ah, so the princess is actually a boy!
So either he/she is genderfluid or attracted to more than one gender or both since she is clearly hitting on me.
I'm damn happy that there is at least one queer kid in this town!
So nothing bad with flirting back.
I give her a wick and she giggles more behind her hand.
Nailed it.
I decide to talk to her.
"Hey beautiful, how it's going?", I ask her and path my own eyelashes.
Again she giggles cutely and…she wishes for a flower? Her speech is so muffled thanks to the parker that I only understood a part.
Where do I get a flower now?
I look around the kingdom and see a daffodil. That we will do!
Quickly I pick it up and present her the flower with a bow.
She gasps happily, taking it.
"A daffodil for me? Teeheehee, you shouldn't have."
"Its beauty is nothing against yours, your highness.", I flirt, which makes her wave her hand before her face and I can see that she is turning red.
Still got it.
"Hey, New Kid are you done now? We got shit to do.", calls the Wizard King for my attention.
I send the princess a kiss and join up with him and Butters.
"You have been sought out, New Kid because humans everywhere are in great danger. I need something from you and, in return, I am prepared to allow you into my kingdom. I know you are very excited. It's time for your first quest, but first - please tell us thy name."
"I'm Novella-Karin Campo. But people mostly call me N.K.", I introduce myself.
Both Eric and Butters stare at me. What's up with that look?
"That's a really-"
Butters can't even finish his sentence, as Eric starts to laugh like a manic holding his chubby belly.
"Hahahaha, that's the douche's name I ever heard for a dude! Hahaha, New Kid, your parents must fucking hate you. Hahaha!"
…Did he just call me a dude?!
Oh jeez, not again!
People sometimes mistake me for a boy, I don't know why.
I clearly look like a girl, even if I have a bob cut!
For Ra Sake, I already need to wear a bra! And both my ears are pierced!
Why is this happening again?
I open my mouth to tell chubby that I'm female and identify as one, as I see how Butters shakes his head and makes Aport-the-mission signs.
Clearly, I shouldn't correct Eric.
Oh, I have a feeling, and also thanks to Butters, that Eric doesn't let girls play with them.
But I wanna play with them.
So I have to pretend to be a boy.
Oh well, if Kenny a boy can be Princess Zelda, then I a girl can be Link. I still have somewhere my old Link cosplay from last year's Comic-Con.
It's not tragic.
Eric finally calms down from his laughing and grins wicked.
I don't like this face.
"You know what N.K., since you already have a douche name I think it's fitting for you to be called…Douchebag!"
Asshole.
I grit my teeth and fight against the urge to punch this fuckers face in.
What one endures, just to not die of boredom!
"You will now choose a class: Fighter, Mage, Thief, or Jew."
"Jew?", I repeated confused.
How can be Jew a class in a LARPing, isn't it more a religion?
"Jew, huh? So I guess we'll never really be friends."
"No, I was just surprised to hear that!", I tell him. "I take the mage."
"Then we welcome to our kingdom Douchebag the Mage!", proclaims Eric.
Butters cheers for me, meanwhile I plan how I can take revenge on Eric for dubbing me Douchebag. If I ever get the chance to kick his ass, I will take it, whatever I have to do!
Butters hands me the Mage gear and I decide that I definitely will go home and put one of my cosplays on.
I have a beautiful Dark Magician Girl Cosplay, sadly I think I should probably go with Link for the time being.
So long till I get what beef Eric has with girls and how I can make myself so valuable in this game that he doesn't kick me out from it.
It is quite clear that Eric calls the shots here.
Just my luck.
Now he wants from me that I get a weapon, so I walk over to Clyde.
"Would you like to see my wares, weary traveler?", ask me the brunette boy. "Perhaps you would like to hear tips and rumors for two dollars?"
I have a feeling that this is a scam, so I just ask him to show me his weapons.
Sadly it seems I can only buy the twig since the weapons have levels and my level is apparently too low.
I give the kids this, they are really creative.
With my new weapon, I return to Eric.
Time to learn how to fight!