Author note: So, right, Doctor Who... I'm not going to spoiler for anyone, no worries, but HOLY FREAKING SHIT, MOFFAT!

Anyway.

Enjoy!

Sex & Intimacy Questions

1. Would you consider yourself straight, gay, bi, or something else? Why?

"Something else."

Jonathan's promptness earned a blink from Jacobyte. "Oh?" He shifted so that Jonathan could actually breath. "Care to enlighten us, Lieutenant?"

"I consider myself to be try-sexual."

"Try-sexual," Jacobyte repeated slowly.

"Mhm. Give anything a try, that's me."

Jacobyte shook his head.

2. Who was the first person you had sex with? When did it happen? What was it like? How well did it go?

"What are we classifying as sex here?"

Jacobyte considered the fact that this section was always going to be interesting. "Penetration."

"With what?"

Jacobyte switched from considering the questions to considering the pencil in his hand. Jonathan's eyes tracked his, and he swallowed.

"Clarissa."

"Quelle surprise," Jacobyte said, sotto voce.

"What was that, Jacobyte, dearheart?"

"I said 'answers, please'."

"Suuure you did."

Jacobyte poked Jonathan in the ribs. "So the first guy you had sex with was Clarissa. When was that?"

"Don't think I was older than fourteen or so?"

"And...?"

"And it was pretty damn fine, thanks for asking."

Jacobyte snorted. "Okay, moving on..."

3. Have you ever had a same-sex experience? Who with, what was it like, and how did it go?

"Ooh, prude-ish questionnaire makers. Neat."

4. What is your deepest, most well-hidden sexual fantasy? Would you ever try it?

Jacobyte blinked down at Jonathan's silence. "Oi, oh Casanova of the stars, you gonna contribute?"

Jonathan wriggled a little, then said, "I'm not saying that I don't have sexual fantasies—"

"I think the universe would implode if that were the case."

Jonathan gave him a poke. "It's just this whole 'most well-hidden' bit I don't understand," he continued.

"Aha."

"And fuck yes, I'd try it."

A pause. "You already have, haven't you?"

"Fuuuck yes." Jonathan's eyes rolled back into his head a little. "And I'd do it again, I'll tell you that."

"Details?"

"Not on your life," said Jonathan, smiling smugly through the memories. "S'mine and mine alone."

Jacobyte raised an eyebrow. "Just yours alone?"

"Well, and the guy with the tentacles... and the girl... and that other one..."

5. What was the wildest thing you've ever done, sexually? Who was it with and when did it happen?

"I'm telling you, Jackie, once you've done tentacles it's hard to go back."

6. Is there any sexual activity that you enjoy and/or practice regularly that can be considered non-standard? (Bondage, Fantasy Play, etc.) Why do you like it?

"Non-standard? Bondage and fantasy play are considered non-standard? Deity, these guys need to get out more."

7. Is there any sexual activity that you will not, under any circumstances, do?

Jonathan squinted at Jacobyte's thigh. "Nothing comes to mind?"

Jacobyte let loose a snort. It seemed appropriate.

8. Do you currently have a lover? What is their name, and what is your relationship like? What are they like? Why are you attracted to them?

"They like asking multiple questions, don't they?" Jonathan wriggled all the way out from under Jacobyte and leant against the sofa's arm. Tipped his head to the side and waggled his eyebrows.

Jacobyte sighed.

"Yes, I currently have a lover," Jonathan continued. "His name's Jacobyte Hasphane and our relationship is... one of necessity?"

"Trying not to be offended over here."

"Oh, but you do it so well!"

"The trying or the offense?"

"...yes?"

Another sigh.

"You are... you're sweet." Jonathan watched his toes trace along the material of Jacobyte's trousers.

Jacobyte blinked. "Sweet," he repeated, waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Jonathan glanced up with an impish grin which turned improbably shy as he looked back at his foot. "Yeah. You are. Kinda."

"Thanks, I think."

9. What is the perfect romantic date?

"Anywhere but this sodding apartment."

"That's a bit vague, don't you think?"

Jonathan huffed and tongued the inside of his cheek. "I don't know," he said after a while. "Can't say romance and all that has ever really played a part for me."

"There has to be something," said Jacobyte, cajoling for all he was worth. "Eh? Me and you. We get out of here. Where do you want to go?"

"We're not getting out of here, Jackie, and you know it."

Jacobyte put his hand on Jonathan's foot and rubbed a little, fingers tracing lightly. Smiled as Jonathan's frown turned into a twitching grimace.

"Git," Jonathan said affectionately once Jacobyte'd stopped.

"I aim to please. So. Perfect romantic date. Tell."

"A beach somewhere. The sun would just about be setting."

"Candlelight dinner, then?"

"Nah. Blanket on the sand and a basket of grub'd do me fine. Just lie back and natter and eat and get grit in unfortunate places."

A soft smile flitted across Jacobyte's face as he wrote this down. "We will, you know. One day."

Jonathan settled back more into the crook of the sofa's arm. Muttered, "Keep telling yourself that, love."

"Oh, I will."

10. Describe the perfect romantic partner for you.

"I honestly don't understand that question."

"It isn't a question."

"Request, then. Perfect's got nothing to do with romance."

Jacobyte arched an eyebrow. Jutted his chin. "Thought 'romance and all that' never really played a part for you."

"Doesn't mean I can respect it from a distance."

Jacobyte snorted. "How much of a distance?"

"A lot of a distance," said Jonathan, grinning.

11. Do you ever want to get married and have children? When do you see this happening?

"Do I ever want to..." Jonathan trailed off, expression caught somewhere between bemusement and slightly pained thoughtfulness.

"Hey?"

"Mm." Jonathan blinked, face clearing, and snapped his gaze back to Jacobyte. "Mm?"

Jacobyte tilted his head curiously. "Do you?"

A shrug. "Can't honestly say I've ever thought about it before."

"... and now?"

"There's no way it can happen, Jackie. We're stuck here."

Jacobyte dropped the subject but continued to watch Jonathan carefully out the corner of his eye.

12. What is more important - sex or intimacy? Why?

"They're different things?"

Jacobyte tapped his pencil against the question sheet and gave a shrug. "Apparently so. Pass?"

"Go for it."

13. What was your most recent relationship like? Who was it with? (Does not need to be sexual, merely romantic.)

"Recent?"

"Before this," said Jacobyte, waving the pencil around to indicate the time loop they were trapped in.

Jonathan twisted his lips. "There was a girl a few corridors down from me. Zilla Carson. We were sort of on and off for a while."

"Yeah?"

"Mhm. On when we were bored, off when we found shinier things to distract ourselves with." Jonathan gave a wicked grin, and Jacobyte shook his head in what was almost a fond manner.

14. What's the worst thing you've done to someone you loved?

Jonathan's mouth opened and then closed with a snap. Jacobyte's eyebrows rose slightly.

"I don't..." Jonathan huffed and scrubbed at his forehead. "Don't know if I loved him, but... I left. Without a word. Just up and left."

"Who—"

"Clarissa." Jonathan wet his lips. "It was for the Agency. Found one of their flyers. You know the ones? The ones that only show their 'information' if you've got the required brain development or IQ or potential to be or whatever."

"I know," Jacobyte murmured.

"And... it was a way out. So I took it. Straight away. Just... just disappeared."

Jacobyte clicked his fingers in front of Jonathan's face until he snapped out of whatever reverie he'd sunk into. Made a show of turning the page. Jonathan smiled, eyes creasing just a little.

His amusement grew at catching sight of the next section's title. "Drugs and Alcohol."

"What?" Jacobyte glanced down. "Oh." And snorted. "Shall we, Lieutenant?"

"I think we shall, dear Captain of mine, I think we shall."