Baby You Can Stop Running

Chapter Seven

BPOV

I remember reading a short story by Hemmingway a long time ago, well not that long ago. The thing is, it was one of those stories that you read many times throughout your educational career, starting in high school and then literature survey's in college (well at least I did, my double major in Art History and English Literature required me to). Hills Like White Elephants, it's one of those stories that you never really forget, the emotions seem to eat at you slowly as you let the meaning behind the words flood through your system. It was one of those stories that make you despise men and their hedonistic nature at the expense of those that they claim to 'love.' The thing is, unless you know the story, have analyzed the story, it's ambiguous.

I've never really thought about abortion much, not really per say. Sure, I'm all for a woman's right to chose, it is after all her body, but the decision isn't one that should be taken lightly. I thought I had it all figured out, my life, my opinions… But things change, people change. College was something I knew I always wanted to do, getting out of Forks was something I knew I wanted to do, having a child, sure, somewhere down the road maybe, but at seventeen? There had been a time in which I thought if I ever got pregnant before I was ready that I wouldn't think twice about the procedure, it's strange how having something growing in your body changes it all, for the first time in my life, the story made sense, I knew how Jig felt, and that terrified me…

I met Jacob Black long before I made my move to Forks permanent. His father, Billy Black was a very close friend of Charlie's and they use to take us fishing when we were younger. When I finally settled down, Jacob came around a lot and what started out as a great friendship turned out to be more than that. I still remember the day that I realized that I had feelings for him that were more than what a friend feels for a friend. We were with a large group at La Push, it was one of those rare days in Washington when the sun actually comes out, and the weather was warm, warm enough to frolic in the surf. I, like my clumsy self, had tripped over a rock on the beach and scrapped my knee pretty badly. Jacob picked me up though, sat me down and as his eyes examined the cut I felt something lurch in my stomach, a feeling of butterflies that I had never had when it came to him. The next thing I knew, we were kissing and I it felt right and I thought nothing could ever change that… That was until a year later when I sat in my bathroom in tears as the little pink line showed on the stick that I held in my hands. What was I going to do?

"I'm pregnant." I told him looking down and shuffling my feet back and forth. I wanted to meet his eyes but I couldn't, my life was changing at such a rapid pace and this wasn't what I had been expecting. I loved him; at least, I thought I had. Love and lust went hand in hand for me, but his silence, his inability to tell me what was going on in his head made me think that he didn't feel the same way. I wanted to yell, wanted to scream at him, just one word, just something, the silence that had grown between us was more unbearable than anything else was. I just wanted my friend back.

"What do you want to do about it?" He questioned after a few minutes of silence, his eyes still focused on the horizon and the sun that was beginning to set.

"I don't know…"

"I can't…" He started, his voice harsh, disconnected from everything else and I could feel my eyes as they began to tear up. It was like he blamed me, but last I checked it took two to make a baby.

"I didn't ask you to."

"You have options."

"I'm not sure I do." I reached up and brushed a few of the stray tears away from my cheeks.

"I can go with you."

"If I do that, I need to do it alone."

"I'm too young…"

"And you think I'm not? I had a plan… A future that I had set for me and that all changed when that line showed up."

"You only took one test?" His eyes still hadn't met my own. I was waiting to get out of there to really allow myself to cry but the more time that we stood there on the beach, the harder it was to keep it in. Obviously coming here hadn't been the right thing, telling him hadn't been the right thing. I suppose I thought he would have been more understanding, that he would have cared more, that he loved me more than that.

"I took three."

"I can give you money for it."

"I don't want your money…" I wasn't sure how much longer I could stay there, my heart was breaking and he was only making things worse.

"I can't…" It was his only reply, and it was the second time that it had slipped from his lips.

"Did you ever love me?"

"It's not about that."

"Isn't it?" My words came out shaky this time, my breathing ragged and heavy.

"I'm sorry."

"Me too…" I replied as I stood up and walked away, leaving him there on the beach alone.

I hadn't spoken with him since that day and only Emmett knew the reality behind what was truly going on and still there were things that I hid from him. So, did I go ahead with the abortion? I thought about it, seriously thought about it, I even went to the clinic a few times but each time something stopped me. I couldn't do that, I couldn't give kill it even though I was angry with it. I hated it, hated that it seemed to latch onto me like a parasite, effectively killing my dreams, my life, and my spirit. Still, I couldn't do it and I hated that I couldn't, so I deferred my admission to Stanford for a semester, long enough to have the baby, and put it up for adoption. It seemed like the only option, the only thing that I could do, I couldn't give the child the life that it needed, the life that it deserved.

Giving birth wasn't exactly a piece of cake, especially when you're alone. Emmett wanted to come down and be there for me but I wouldn't let him. I didn't want anyone attaching themselves to the baby when I would only give it up in the end. Emmett said that I might change my mind, but I wasn't going to be like my mom, I wasn't going to get pregnant right after high school and become a mom. Still, after that last final push, the doctor handed her to me. I had a baby girl, and she was beautiful, and my heart ached. I always thought it was a myth, the whole, you love your baby more than anything else in the world when you first lay eyes on them, how could I possibly love something that I so adamantly hated while it was in my womb? But I did… Maybe because it was a piece of my relationship with Jacob, a reminder of how good things had been before they went sour, maybe because I had spent nine months with her growing inside of me, I'm still not sure. What I did know was that not a single day went by that I didn't regret my decision, wonder how she was, wonder what she looked like, if she had my pale skin or Jacobs russet skin, if her hair was sprinkled with red like mine, if it was curly or straight. Still, I gave her a name, and no one else knows that, not even Emmett, in my mind, I called her Elizabeth, Elizabeth Renee Swan.

I tried to go home after the birth. I even got on the plane to Seattle, and when I got there Emmett had been waiting for me at SeaTac and as soon as I saw him, I couldn't stop crying. He wrapped me up in his arms and sat with me there in the luggage claim as my tears soaked his shirt until I couldn't cry anymore. It was then that I realized how bad the idea had been, I wasn't ready to face it, to face him, or Charlie, or Billy, or Jacob… I couldn't even face my friends, Angela, Ben… I think for the first time Emmett saw how hard it was, how painful the process had been which is why he never pressured me, he merely stayed with me at a hotel that night, holding me as I cried. I had never been more thankful for a big brother in my life, especially one that was so understanding. The next morning he put me back on a plane to San Francisco and until today, I hadn't stepped foot onto Washington soil, nor had I had any desire to.

I later got a letter from Angela that Emmett had pounded on Jacob pretty hard right around the holidays. I imagine that it happened not long after my plane was in the air, heading back to Stanford for my first Christmas of what would soon become many alone. Apparently Jacob had been in town getting parts to fix a car when Emmett saw him walking around and walked up to him. Poor guy, he thought it was only going to be a pleasant conversation but as Angela had witnessed it (she had been working at the coffee shop and the fight happened just outside the glass doors), Emmett didn't even give him a chance to talk, his fist went flying straight into Jacobs perfect face, breaking his nose, and then he delivered one last punch into his stomach. I chided Emmett on the phone but I secretly adored him for it, at least Jacob could feel some kind of pain, even if it didn't come close to the pain that he had put me through.

After Jacob, I never dated and I found myself in a state of forced celibacy. There had been men that had been interested, I merely blew them off thinking that they were all the same. After the pain that Jacob had caused, I was terrified to let anyone else in my life for fear that it would only end in the same heartache. But then things changed, one person and everything that I had once thought, had once believed, changed.

Meeting Edward now seemed to change my whole perspective of things. He was gorgeous, there was no doubt about that, presumably the most attractive man that I had ever seen in my life but there was more than that about him. Somehow, as we sat there and talked, even about meaningless tidbits, there was something that was unspoken between us, something that told me that if anyone knew pain, at least on the same page as I did, it was him. There was something in his eyes, something dark and tortured and I realized that I knew that look all too well, it was the same one that I saw in my eyes when I looked in the mirror.

Rosalie and Emmett had retreated to his room shortly after Edward had left and I found myself on the couch, the glare of the TV the only light in the room and although it was on, I only seemed to be looking through it. My phone rang startling me and I picked it up, Angela's name lighting up the screen and I sighed, not sure if I wanted to deal with this, not sure I wanted to be yelled at because I knew that Jessica had probably alerted the town to my presence.

"Hello?" I asked, timidly.

"Bella freakin' Swan how dare you not tell me that you were back in town!" Her words were slurred and I assumed that she had knocked back a few drinks, presumably at the local bar. Jessica Stanley must have opened her big fat mouth.

"I'm sorry Angela. I just got in this morning and I was at the hospital and with Emmett all day." I sighed, her voice wasn't as harsh as I had been expecting but I was hoping that she didn't demand that I make an appearance at the bar, turning her down wouldn't be an option, that would surely make her angry, and as I had told Edward, right now I needed all the friends I could get, and Angela was one of my oldest friends.

"Oh…" That seemed to shut her up but I could hear Ben in the background telling her to get me out of the house. "What are you doing? You should be down here, I want to see you! I haven't seen you in a year!"

"I don't know… I'm so tired."

"I won't take no for an answer."

"Fine…" I grumbled, pulling myself off the couch that my body had warmed. "I'll be there in five minutes." I heard her yell what I assumed was a Yay before she hung up and I grabbed my jacket and put it on, before venturing into the cold and to a crowded bar to see two people I cared about, Angela and Ben, and what I figured was a bunch of people I didn't care about, Mike, Laruen, Jessica, Tyler… I could probably go one much longer but I won't bother.

I wasn't surprised to see what was basically the entire Forks population aged twenty-one to about thirty, if they were single, was present in the bar. As my eyes scanned the crowd they first fell upon the short, pixie haired girl that I had met earlier that day, Edwards sister. Her eyes flicked towards me as I entered the bar and she smiled, and I couldn't help but notice that there was something about her smile that was infectious and I smiled back and waved before I felt a small set of arms wrap around me and a strong blast of alcohol in my face.

"Bella!" She grinned as I turned to see the six foot frame of my best friend in Forks and I couldn't help but wonder if it had been college that had made my once shy friend more outgoing, or if it was a product of her enthusiastic boyfriend.

"Hi Angela." I smiled warmly as we pulled away, only to see that Ben was on her tail and he took hugged me.

"Come on, you need a drink!" She grinned, grabbing my hand and pulling me towards the bar. I wanted to protest but as I looked over my shoulder to Ben he only seemed to shrug and laugh, letting her pull me into her world.

The night for the most part passed rather uneventfully, I was thankful that Mike kept his distance. It wasn't that I didn't like him as a friend, he was a decent enough person, I just didn't want him hanging on me. Though, as Jessica seemed to hang on him he never had the chance. I was thankful for that, thankful that Jessica was always worried that Mike might leave her for me, even though I would never have him. I was pleasantly surprised when Alice came over and introduced herself to the rest of the group, though none of them paid any attention to her except for Angela who took a liking to her as well. I even found that I was more comfortable around Jasper this time around, Edwards explanations of his personality helped me understand that it wasn't me but rather his personality.

"How was dinner?" Alice grinned and I found that my cheeks had turned bright red as I watched her eyebrows lift with curiosity.

"Oh, it was good." I smiled back, hoping that she didn't read too much into it. The last thing I wanted her to know was how much I liked her brother, especially when I knew that there was no chance in hell that he could like me the same way. Seems to be my kind of luck though, after all those years of turning men away, the first man that I actually like is too good for me.

"So when are you seeing Edward again?" My eyes widened with that and I was thankful that I was able to keep my mouth closed so I could finish swallowing the whiskey that I had only just taken a sip of.

"What?" I stuttered after I felt the liquor burn my throat, my heart racing in my chest.

"Oh you know… He's going to have to take the stitches out." My heart slowing down thankful that she was not implying what I thought she was. Though I also realized that she had interpreted my reaction and the smile on her face made me curse my inability to hide my emotions, surely she would go and tell him now, tell him how his patient had a colossal crush on him, not that that was probably anything new to him.

"Oh… Um, I don't know." It was the truth, of all the things that we had talked about it seemed that the date for when I would need the stitches removed was forgotten, even Charlie had been forgotten, the main reason why Emmett had wanted him to come over. Alice didn't respond, she merely smiled her wide, infectious smile which seemed to waver when her eyes caught something.

As I felt a hand on my shoulder, a warm, large hand, I realized what it was. I knew that hand, knew it all too well. I had loved it once, loved the way it made me feel but as it laid there, almost limp on my shoulder I wanted to die. I closed my eyes tight, registering the look on Alice's face before my eyelids were jammed together.

"Bella…" His voice was soft, a whisper almost and I could feel the tears as they started to accumulate behind my closed lids. "Bella look at me."

"Why should I?" I gritted through my teeth as he placed both hands on my shoulders and forcibly turned me to look towards him.

"We need to talk."

"Jacob there isn't anything to talk about." That was a lie, but I didn't know how to talk to him anymore. Besides, did he really have a right to know what I had been hiding? He never wanted anything to do with it anyways, hell, if he had his way, I would have had the abortion.

"Yes Bella there is." I didn't talk, I didn't even open my eyes and it wasn't until his fingers were under my chin, tilting my head up to look at him and I allowed myself to open them, tears streaming down the corners of my eyes, giving away my pain, the one thing I didn't want him to see. "You never came back… I couldn't get in touch with you… You just disappeared."

"It's what you wanted."

"That's not true."

"Well you sure made it seem that way."

"Bella I was seventeen years old!"

"So was I."

"How was I suppose to process that kind of information?"

"You had a month before I left to process that information and you never came around. It doesn't matter anymore, it's done, it's over, and so are we."

"You never gave me a chance to understand, never gave me a chance to apologize." The tears were streaming down my cheeks now and I was completely unable to hold them back any longer. Through my blurry eyes I could see Alice still standing here, her face no longer smiling but filled with a concerned look and she leaned over and pulled Jasper down to her height, whispering something in his ear.

"You had plenty of time Jacob… Stop trying to act like the victim here, stop making me out to be the villain. The only thing wrong that I did was love you… Now I'm not even sure what I ever saw in you."

"Don't say that."

"I can't do this right now…" I whispered, my heart racing in my chest, a combination of anger, pain and sadness and my body couldn't keep up with it. "I can't… I have to go." I turned, pulling myself from his grasp and falling on the floor in the process. Jasper was right behind me, helping me to gain my footing before I ran out of the door, frantically searching my pockets for my keys.

"Bella are you okay?" Alice's voice filled the silence outside of the bar and I turned to see her and Jasper running towards me.

"I… I just have to get out of here but Angela has my purse… I can't go back in there." I stammered, rubbing my arms as I realized that not only had I left my purse but my coat as well. I watched as Jasper shrugged his jacket off and put it around my shoulders.

"You can come with us… I can give you a ride home or you can come to my house if you like. There is plenty of room if you aren't really ready to go home." Did I want to go home? I wanted to see Emmett but I knew that he was busy with Rosalie and the last thing I wanted to do was disrupt them, but I knew I needed to talk, or at least, to be around someone who cared enough to help me out. Alice seemed to be one of those people right now.

"Are you sure you don't mind? I don't want to impose…"

"It's not an imposition, I'm offering." The worry had been wiped from her face, she was smiling again, and I nodded. It was much better than being alone. I knew, more than anything, that I didn't want to be alone. I watched as she pulled her phone out, dialing a number as Jasper showed me the way to the bright yellow Porsche.

"Hey Edward… Can you let Mom and Dad know that I'm bringing Bella over?" She said softly. "She just needs a place to go and she can't go home right now, do you want to talk to her?" I looked out the window, praying that he didn't, this wasn't how I wanted him to see me, broken… I should have just had her take me home. "We'll be home in ten minutes, bring a jacket out, Bella doesn't have one." I watched her grin through the mirror as she shut her phone and I tried to steady my breathing, I was going to see Edward again and I wasn't sure if I was happy about that, or desperately worried that he had no idea what he was getting himself into when he said he wanted to be my friend.

A/N:

So I thought you should know what was going on with Bella… And I'm just wondering if it was what you had expected? Do you like it? Does it bring enough depth to her character? Anyways, as always thank you so much to everyone who continues to add this story! It overwhelms me! I'd also like to thank those who took the time to review and to let me know what they thought about the last chapter!:
Inu-ru831
spinter1
Dark as night bright as day: I'm going to work on Edwards dialect in the next chapter as he will make an appearance again… Thank you for pointing that out!
FutureMrsCullen
MeghanCullen
rainpuddle13: Edward was 10 when his parents died, making him 17 now… The story is kind of set in the future, I'm pretending that we are in 2009 as it was the only way to make him old enough to be where he was in his medical career! I will go into more depth though! I hope that cleared that up!
justm

You guys all rock! And I hope that you liked the new chapter! Please continue to let me know! You help feed the muse!