Baby You Can Stop Running
Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight

Chapter Twenty

Edwards POV

"I just want… I want to try something." My voice was barely louder than a whisper as I looked down at her, watching the blush turn her pale, milky skin into a beautiful shade of red. I fought back a quick urge to reach forward it, to feel the heat as it pooled in her cheeks but I refrained for a moment. I locked my eyes on her own and I felt as though my body had gone weak and it was a feeling that I was completely unsure of, one that I never thought a man could ever feel for a woman. It seems sexist, maybe even stereotypical, but I always just assumed that it was only women who went weak when looking deep into the eyes of the one that they were falling for. But Bella… Bella defied any sense of normalcy that I had ever believed in; she made me realize how unsure of myself I was, and made me question each and every decision that had led me to this point. This one, girl, the most beautiful girl that I had ever known, the most beautiful girl in the world, stirred up feelings that I never even knew were possible, and I savored each and every one of them, afraid that one day she would wise up and leave me.

She looked confused, as though she was unsure as to what I had planned, as though she couldn't fathom why I would want to spend time with her. Still, looking at her, watching as the sunlight peeked through the clouds and enhanced her natural beauty, as the red in her hair shone brightly, I was captivated. She might have been unaware as to why I wanted to be with her, but she was so completely unsure of herself that it was absurd because in that moment, I was mystified that someone like her could even think, could even want to be in such a close proximity to myself as she was. What had I done to even deserve such a thing? How could an angel want to be with a monster? Not that she was aware of that part of me… Not yet at least.

I finally gave into my desires and reached my hand out, tangling it in the locks of her long, dark hair and I reveled in its silkiness. It felt like the softest of cashmere's as I continued to move my fingers around it and somehow I was rewarded by the tiniest of moans as my face began to move closer to hers. I kept my eyes open, wanting to gauge her reaction, wanting to know that she wanted this just as much as I did, the moan could have been nothing more than a reaction, a passing before she realized the actuality of what was really happening. Still, her eyes were pressed shut and her lips were parted just enough to make me realize that she wanted this just as much as I did. I moved a little closer and I could smell the sweetness of her breath, and as I moved onto my knees, I could feel the way my heart was racing as it pounded violently against my chest. In a moment so quick, I had moved my free hand to her back and pulled her into my body, crushing her small, petite frame against my hard one and I almost came undone at the feel of her softness, of her warmness. I found myself letting out a low, guttural growl as her arms wrapped around my neck, her fingers weaving themselves in my unruly hair and I crashed my lips against hers in a heated passion.

Over the past few days I had allowed myself to fantasize about kissing Bella, had allowed myself to think of what it might have been like, though nothing could have compared to the reality. I remember being told so many times that fantasy was always better than reality, wasn't that the reason people immersed themselves into novels and film, because the fictional characters were always the epitome of what they so desired? The thing is, with Bella, I couldn't help but laugh because when it came to her, the reality was so much better than the fantasy. The moment my lips pressed against her own, it felt as though every single nerve ending was back firing sending thousands of tiny electric shocks, not only on my lips, but throughout my entire body. Her lips, the lips that I had dreamed about were soft, so much softer than I had ever allowed myself to imagine and they moved against my own as though they were meant to touch, as though they had been made for this. Her mouth willingly opened, much to my own surprise, as I ran my tongue along them, allowing only a few moments to enjoy how they felt against the muscle, still, tasting her… She tasted sweet, though I would never be able to quite place the actual taste, I knew that nothing in this world could taste nearly as good as she did. I could give up food if it meant kissing her. That was when I realized that my only coherent thought during this moment was that she was more potent to me than the strongest drug in the world eve r could be. Could someone die of an addiction to a person? I feared that could be the case with my growing obsession with this girl. Bella was my addiction, an addiction so powerful that I knew one day, it would be the end of me. Still, I didn't care, just as Romeo had loved Juliet, just as much as their addiction to each other had been their downfall and though I had chastised him for his obsession, and as harshly criticized their relationship, I would never be able to surface ever again. I now knew what it meant to love someone beyond comprehension. Bella was an addiction, and one that I was so completely unwilling to ever break, regardless of what it might do to me in the end.

With as much effort as I could muster I pulled away, knowing that if one of us didn't stop then we would probably be the first couple to ever die from kissing. I could feel the heaviness of her breath, how badly she too needed to step back and breath, and for the first time in my life I realized that I had to be strong. I had to push my selfish needs away, even if only for a moment in order to protect her. I also knew, it wouldn't be that hard. Nothing in the world mattered as much as she did.

She groaned when I pulled away, moving closer to me for a moment before opening her eyes and looking up at me through her lashes. I looked away from her, allowing my eyes to graze her body, taking in the heaving of her chest as she appeared to be more winded than I had at first believed, and I could, for the first time, feel the tightness of my jeans and I moved back, sitting down on the ground trying desperately to conceal my desire for her, not wanting her to think that I had even thought she would do something about it. Oh how I wished she would though… Changing positions however was not as helpful as I had hoped it would be because she continued to look at me, her eyes filled with a lust that I had never seen before and she bit her lower lip, swollen from my furious attack, and the uncomfortable strain was once again prominent.

"That was…" I finally found myself saying and the words were soft, not wanting to scare her off. My eyes were fixed intently on her face, and I watched as the blood once again pooled in her cheeks creating the blush that I was so fond of. Though, it must have embarrassed her because as soon as she felt it, she turned her head away, looking down at the grass as her long hair shielded her face from my view causing myself to groan with dissatisfaction.

"Bella, please don't turn away from me. You have no idea how beautiful your blush is." I spoke with more authority, reaching forward and cupping her chin in my hand, forcing her to look at me and I reveled in the brightness of her cheeks, feeling the heat through my fingertips. I leaned down and began to place soft butterfly kisses against her cheeks and neck, both watching and feeling as the heat steadied and her cheeks went back to their milky white color. "God Bella… You'll be the death of me…"

"What?" She turned to look at me, her eyes shining with confusion.

"I brought you here with certain intentions…" My voice trailed as I kept her eyes on my own. I was suddenly unsure as to how I should progress. Telling her was risky, and I was worried about what she would think because I knew it would kill me if she left, if she saw me as the monster that I saw myself as. But something deep down compelled me to continue, some unnatural force seemed to reassure me that everything would be okay, that I would even feel better if I spoke the words aloud that I had been keeping hidden for so long. So instead of holding back, I allowed the words to flow from my lips. "There are things that I need to tell you…"

"You can trust me Edward…" Was her response and it was all I needed, the one push from her that would allow me to spill my history. To tell her how I became the man that I was today. How, until her, I had been merely a ghost walking alongside the living.

"When I was ten my parents were killed. I didn't know what had really happened at the time, the only thing I can clearly remember from that night was how cold it was. Chicago isn't usually that cold during June, but I was bundled under my blankets as I slept. Maybe it was ominous; death sucks the warmth out of everything… That night was meant to be cold, the perfect foreshadowing of the life that lay ahead of me." Her eyes were fixed on my own and she reached forward and took my hand into hers. "My nanny was taking care of me that night… My mom was a senator and my father was a cardio thoracic surgeon, one of the best in his fields…

"They were leaving a charity event at the children's hospital… It was a few days before my eleventh birthday and we were going on a vacation which was something that we rarely had time to do… Well that's really insignificant though so anyways… James Anderson… I guess he was a part of some radical political group, a confederate group of sorts… I'm not really too sure who the group was, but they apparently didn't like my mother… Or more clearly, they didn't like her in her position of power.

"That night he followed them after they left. I wish I could say that it affected me in the way Bruce Wayne's parents murder affected him. I wish I could say that I had been inspired to change the community, that I had taken that experience to fight the evil… But I didn't. My nanny had told me that my parents died in a car crash. How do you tell a ten year old that their parents were murdered? It wasn't until I was around fifteen that I really learned what had happened. When the court determined who it was, his lawyer got him out by manner of insanity and my rage grew…" I closed my eyes as certain images flashed through my mind and I tried hard to hide the tears that were threatening to fall. She was still quiet but her fingers were rubbing small circles on the hand that she still held and it gave me the courage to continue.

"I wasn't lying when I told you in the car that I have a problem with my temper… But I never had that problem until I had learned the truth about my parents. I don't fault my nanny… I don't even fault Carlisle and Esme, what were they suppose to tell me? They encouraged me to find the answers that I needed however, once I did learn the truth I went to the asylum that James was being treated in.

"Even Carlisle and Esme are not aware of this… It was too painful to talk about…" I said softly as she nodded. I wasn't sure why I was telling her but I felt that it was the right thing to do… That she would understand. "When I went there to talk to him he was so cruel. He kept saying that it was what God had told him to do. He said that he was proud of himself…" A tear escaped my eye and I wiped it away quickly. "He went on to say how they begged for their lives. How they groveled at his feet and how powerful it made him feel and that he would do it again if he had the chance and the only reason that he didn't kill their driver was because he didn't have time, but he would have if he had.

"Their driver was thrown into a hospital after it happened… He was too traumatized to speak about it, though when I went to him, he recognized me immediately, said that I looked like my father… I was the only person that he ever talked to. He said that my father had told James to spare my mom and take him… That they had a son and one of them had to take care of me. James didn't care… He said it was quick, but that the sound of the terrible laughter still haunted him at night. But regardless, my parents had died as heroes, they had died with dignity.

"When the courts wanted to release James I fought the system hard and pressed for the biggest punishment… Capital punishment. I thought it was the easiest way to deal with it. That if he was dead that it would rectify the situation, that it would make me feel better and I could go back to living the life that wanted. To me, that man took away everything that I could have ever imagined; he took my parents, he took my childhood, he took my life.

"It didn't take much convincing really… The appellate court had sided with me and he was murdered in June of 2004… I was there. This new monster deep within me wanted to be there, wanted to watch him die. And, for the briefest of moments I had this sick sense of excitement as I watched his eyes close, and I hoped that I was the last person that he saw in this lifetime. I wanted him to know that I had won." I looked away from her, suddenly sick with myself. This confession was harder than I had thought it would be. But still, she had not run away.

"It didn't make me feel any better… I regret every decision that I ever made when it came to James. I should have let him go. I shouldn't have pursued him like I had. Maybe he really was insane… Maybe he had been brainwashed… Maybe I did take away the life of someone who didn't know any better. Who am I to play God? Who am I to say that he deserved to die?"

We were silent for a long while. I wasn't sure what else was left to say and it seemed that she was still

"I don't deserve you Bella… People like me… People who allow the lives of others to be taken, regardless of if they deserve it or not… I don't deserve to be happy."

"Don't ever say that Edward." Her voice shocked me. I honestly had not considered what I would do if her reaction was positive. "Don't ever say you don't have a right to be happy. You did what you thought you had to do, how could anyone fault you for that? You are not a bad person Edward. You are so far from it. You spend your life taking care of people who are in need of it. You save lives."

"How can you say that Bella? Look what I've done! I don't save lives, I take them! I'm no better than him! I'm a monster."

She was shaking her head violently as she moved closer to me. "One life was taken Edward… His… And maybe he did deserve it. The jury seemed to think he did. You can't blame yourself for something that you didn't decide on. A jury made the decision."

"A decision that never would have happened if I hadn't pushed for it."

"What's to say that when he was back on the streets he wouldn't do it again? Maybe you saved more people by pushing for it."

"No… You can't believe that."

"Why is it so hard to believe that Edward?"

"Because… Maybe he was reformed. Maybe he was healthy. Maybe he was sorry for what he had done. And if he was I had no right to take away that life from him."

"You're not a bad person Edward." She said again and I wished that I could believe it.

"I'm a shell of a man Bella… I'm barely whole when I'm around you. You are the only thing that has made me feel alive since it happened but I can't rely on you to fix me. You have every single right in the world to be with someone who doesn't have the terrible past that I have. For all I know some day, somewhere along the road one of his relatives will come after me to punish me… What will stop them from doing to you what they did to my parents? I couldn't live with myself if I was the cause of your own death. Because of me, you could die."

She laughed a low, controlled laugh and I eyed her curiously. "That's a bit of a stretch… Five years have passed and no one has been looking for you, they would have found you already, it's not like it would be all that hard. But you fail to take into account me… You claim that I'm this perfect person but I'm not… I'm so far from it. How do you know I'm even worthy of being around you?" She said and her words stunned me. "How do you know that my past isn't just as terrible as your own? How could you want to be with me when you have absolutely no idea what I've done?"

"Because I know you Bella." I replied. "I can see you. There is this incredible innocence about you, this amazing comfort… You are this breath of fresh air that I never knew existed. Nothing you could have ever done could be that bad. And the last thing you should ever be around is someone like me. I'm unworthy of love, I'm unworthy of happiness and I'm more than unworthy of you. I leave a wake of death on my trail and if I ever hurt you… I could never live with myself and I know that's exactly what is going to happen." I was loud… Shouting now, my arms flying around with large grand gestures as I tried to get her to understand just how much she shouldn't be around me. She was still unmoving, though her eyes were wide with something. Shock? Fear? It must be fear. It should be fear.

And then it appeared that tears were brimming at her eyes and I recoiled. I had gone too far. This was not the reaction that I had wanted. I never wanted to make her cry; I never wanted to make her afraid of me. I just thought she should be afraid of me, so in trying to make my point I had pushed that to happen. Shit…

"Don't be afraid…" I murmured though I could feel my voice trembling. I needed her… "I promise… I swear not to hut you… My temper just gets the better of me… Please don't be afraid." I paused for a moment as my eyes looked into her own, lowering my face to met her own. "Please forgive me…"

"You don't know me as well as you think you do Edward… You aren't the only one with a past… With secrets that this small town doesn't know… I almost had an abortion…" She said quickly before clasping her hands over her mouth with surprise and I could feel my eyes go wide with shock.

Bella's POV

Well… There it is. My truth and the look in his eyes… I turned away for a moment, wondering if I might be able to change the subject. No… Here I was, he had just told me his entire past, a past that he was obviously ashamed of though I had no idea why… If anyone hunted down Charlie or Renee I would have reacted in the same way. I was sure of that.

"I'm sorry Bella…" He said after a moment. "I guess that just took me by surprise."

"I told you that you don't know me as well as you thought you did."

"I don't care about your past Bella."

"Then why do you think I care about yours?" I retorted. How was this fair? How could he tell me that he wasn't worthy of me when he had no idea what I had gone through. "You think I'm innocent? You think that I'm whole? I know what it's like to look in the mirror and hate yourself. I know what it's like to feel like you're not good enough." I looked at his eyes and as I began to speak they dimmed, a mask that he had probably perfected over the past five years to hide his feelings from the world. "I've spent the past four years thinking that I'm not good enough."

"You are more than enough Bella… You are so much more than enough."

"He didn't think that." I replied, casting my gaze back down to the floor.

"He was foolish. An idiot who didn't know what he had."

"Maybe I'm just not meant to be loved."

"That's the thing Bella. You are meant to be loved. You deserved to be loved by someone who can appreciate everything that you are."

"My past is part of who I am."

"Then tell me what your past is… What was so horrible? Nothing will change my feelings, but it also doesn't change the fact that I shouldn't be near you. That I don't deserve you."

I felt his hand on my chin as he forced me to look up at him. I hated that he could do this… That he could tell me that he wanted me but in the same sentence say that he shouldn't be with me at the same time. I hated his hypocrisy. I hated that he was putting it on me, that he was making me make this decision. Still… It didn't matter. If he still wanted me after I divulged my past, I would never leave. Nothing he had told me could have made me go running because I would have done the exact same thing. It killed me inside that he was beating himself up over it so much. He didn't have to be in that kind of pain.

I sighed as he placed his palms on both sides of my face. "When I first moved here I didn't know anyone. Well, anyone but Jacob, we had played together when I use to come visit Charlie during the summer… So I guess he was a natural friend to make. But those feelings kind of evolved and before my senior year we started a relationship… About a month before I left for California I learned that I was pregnant and when I told him he just said he would help me take care of it…" Tears were falling down my cheeks but his hands on the sides of my face kept them from running too far as he starred at me intently. "He wanted me to get an abortion…"

"But you said you didn't." His smooth voice broke my speech and I shook my head.

"Emmett was the only one who knew the truth until I told Charlie yesterday… And now you… When I got to San Francisco I went to the clinic and I sat there and looked around at everyone around me and I realized that I couldn't do it."

"So what happened?"

"You ask a lot of questions you know that?"

"I'm sorry… I'll be quiet." He smiled softly, his left lip curling up into his famous crooked smile, dazzling me for a moment and leaving me incoherent before my mind kicked back in.

"Even though I knew I couldn't have the abortion, I knew that I was too young to take care of a child. And Jake had been more than clear in his opinion… I didn't really have much of a choice so a week later I found an adoption agency and filed all the necessary papers…" I closed my eyes for a moment. "Emmett tried hard to be there for the birth but I wouldn't let him. I knew that if he met her then he would have tried to talk me out of it… It was hard enough when I held her after it all…

"You know how they tell you that no one loves you like your parents?" He nodded. "I didn't think I would feel anything for her. For all those nine months I resented her… I hated her. I hated what she had done to my relationship. I thought that Jake and I were in love… But when I held her it all melted away… Giving her up was the hardest thing I ever had to do… There wasn't a day that went by that I didn't think of her, that I didn't wonder what she looked like or how she was doing… There wasn't a day that I didn't have a pain deep inside of me… Until I met you."

"I should have left…" He sighed. "I should go now. But I don't know if I can."

"I don't want you to leave." I said pathetically… It was the truth, I needed him just as much, if not more, than he needed me.

"Which is exactly why I should go. But don't worry. I'm essentially a selfish creature. I crave your company too much to do what I should."

"I'm glad."

"Don't be."

"Nothing is going to change my feelings… You've essentially brought me back from the dead Edward. I never thought that I would ever feel this way ever again… And here it is… Here I am, acting completely unlike myself, throwing myself at you… "

"You need to know that it's not that I don't want to be with you Bella… I'm just afraid that something will happen to you if you let me love you… If I let you love me."

"Maybe it's too late for that."

"It's never too late Bella."

"If you leave I'll probably die…"

"Don't you ever say that."

"Say what? The truth?" I spat. I was hitting below the belt and it was on purpose. "I was very close to killing myself in California… And then you…" I shook my head in frustration. There was no point in continuing. He knew what I was saying.

"Isabella." He pronounced my full name and I stared at him wide eyed. "Bella, I couldn't live with myself if I ever hurt you… You don't know how it's tortured me, to be around you and to know that I could be putting you in danger." He looked down, hiding his shame. "The thought of you, still, white, cold… to never see you blush scarlet again, to never see that flash of fire in your eyes… it would be unendurable." He looked back up and I could see the agony that his eyes were confessing. This wasn't an easy feat for him… And I could tell that he truly believed that by being with me he was putting me in some kind of danger… Still I wasn't so sure. And even if that was the case, I didn't care. Dying with him… Dying knowing that he loved me would be more than enough for me. It would be the best way to go.

"You are the most important thing to me now. The most important thing to me ever." His eyes met mine as he continued and I watched as they softened and I could see exactly what it was he was trying to convey and I knew he was telling the truth, even though I had absolutely no idea why it was me. Why was it me, out of every other girl in the world, had he chosen to fall in love with? It didn't matter. I would take him. I would have him for as long as he loved me and I would love him until I died. Still, my head was dizzy with the sudden change of topic. He had gone from telling me that his presence was going to kill me, to declaring his love for me.

"You already know how I feel Edward… I'd much rather die than stay away from you." I replied. "I'd say I am an idiot but I don't think you are as harmful as you say you are."

He shook his head as he laughed. "You are an idiot." And with that I found that I was laughing too.

"And so the lion fell in love with the lamb." He whispered, his fingers reaching forward, pushing a few strands of hair from my face as a smile played on my lips, thrilled to the word that he had used.

"What a stupid lamb."

"What a sick, masochistic lion." He replied, his eyes now down, casting a gaze to the ground. I wondered where his thoughts had taken him.

We sat there in silence, the weight of our confessions too strong to bother with any other words and it wasn't until he looked up towards the sky to see the sun as it began to set that he finally spoke up once again, startling me in the process. "We should head back. It's getting late and it will get cold soon." I nodded and watched as he gracefully stood up, reaching down to help me as well.

"Come on, jump on my back, we will get there faster."

"I'm a bit heavier than your average backpack." I stated and watched as he smiled wide.

"Hah!" He laughed, his jubilance seemed contagious because I was smiling as well. This was the kind of Edward I could get use to being around. This, I knew, was the real Edward. He just needed to learn that for himself. Before I could protest again, he moved down, placing my hands on his shoulders and grabbing the backs of my knees, pulling me up on his back before beginning the trek back to his car, both of us knowing that things were going to change.

A/N:

I first want to apologize for how long this has taken me to get out. It has literally been driving me crazy to not write but I've been so completely swamped with life that I haven't had the chance and each time I would sit down, the words were such crap and I knew you deserved better than that! So, my explanation: My semester is over in a week and a half… Basically meaning that I have a Senior thesis that is barely started, I've had at least two papers due every week since before Thanksgiving, and my job seemed to think it was a good idea to schedule me for 35 hours even though I said explicitly on my availability as well as when I was hired that I could work no more than 20-25 a week… So I've been running on about an average of 3-4 hours of sleep a night… And when I went home for Thanksgiving I was busy with family things and dealing with a personal issue with a guy who has been in my life… Granted I'm beginning to think I need to let go of him because I can't keep dealing with this…

So… As for the chapter. I really hope that you liked it. I've worked hard on it but I'm still unsure as to how it flows/fits… It's taken about four drafts and this is the first one that I'm relatively pleased with… I'm just still not sure… Still… I hope you liked it!

As always, thank you to all my reviewers! You rock!

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