Chapter Nine: by Ankle Deep
Song: Back to the Start by Lily Allen

Disclaimer:
AD: Well, you must all be wondering what's going to happen next in the world of Disclaimer ... well, I'm sorry, but that's not possible at the moment. You see, BH is off in Hawaii on her honeymoon with Mr. Belikov (sorry fangirls). They're completely besotted – it's disgusting ...
But the real question is, now that the tempestuous BH has got her happy ending, when happens to me? Ankle Deep? Who do I get? Hmm? Now that Bh isn't here, I can finally say this: WE don't won Twilight, and my future (and that of the story) lies with you. Two hundred and forty four of you have seen it, but how many will review. It had better be more than ten – you just might get Dimitir back ...

"Oh, come on." Alice looked at me witheringly. "Are you honestly telling me it doesn't get better than this?" She shook her head condescendingly and handed me another shopping bag.
It was about an hour and a half after Edward had apologised to me in the skate shop, and Alice had not stopped talking about it since. While her love of life and bubbly personality was usually something I greatly appreciated, today, with everything, it was just overwhelming.

"Alice, I really don't know. Can't we just go?" It was a futile hope, but I asked anyway. Maybe her indignance would distract her from the topic I so desperately wanted to avoid, and even though Alice's shiny silver Peugeot made me uncomfortable (I had started comparing all the Cullen's cars to my truck, and it was not an exercise for building my self-esteem). "No. What gives you that idea? I'm not exactly going to do your new wardrobe halfway. Everything has to be perfect, and for that we must stay, and talk about ... necessary things." The way of Alice was not subtle, and the mountainous expanse of shopping in her arms was preventing her from noticing my awkwardness about the 'necessary' things she was referring too, the subject she invariably came back to.

"So ..." She was waiting for me to say something, but what could I say? I was so confused about my feelings. Edward had apologised, maybe even with real care, and I had no more reason to stay away from him. This was a good thing, right? I wasn't sure. I didn't know what to do because now that I had a free ticket to go and introduce myself, I wasn't sure that I wanted to. What would I say? That I was sorry? I had done nothing wrong, but I felt that I had miss stepped somewhere, made a fatal mistake that acted like a wall between us. Maybe that was it. There was no wall. So now that there was nothing between us, I was. I just couldn't face him, and that frustrated me. This was supposed to be happy! Didn't I wait for an eternity for him to apologise?

"That sucks." Alice was peering at me from over her shopping. "What?" I was confused. "That sucks. That's what you were thinking. I can see it on your face. You're thinking about Edward, and how it sucks that you're too shy to talk to him. I can tell these things. "She nodded wisely, yet with an air of self-congratulations, like a Monk who just discovered the secret to eternal life, whatever that was. "Whatever, Alice." I tried to shrug it off, but she was right, and she saw it in my face.

"Come." It wasn't a question, it was an order. She foisted her bags on me and dragged me to her Peugeot, gleaming silver in the afternoon sun – a refuge, an escape. All negative feelings about the Cullen's fancy cars disappeared in that second. I nearly dove into the leather-smelling seats, and strapped myself in waiting for the shopping centre to disappear behind me like the smoke coming from the exhaust as Alice drove the key into the ignition with a force that belied her calm features.

But she didn't drive off. She just sat there, looking at me. "What are you waiting for?"
"For you to get the hell out what you've been bottling up since Edward apologised." She was blunt, her face steely. When I looked down, shocked by her upfront statement of things, her face softened.
"Bella, I can tell when you're stressed out, and it's obvious that my brother is the one who's got you freaked. So tell me what's up! I can help you, Bella. Just let down your shield for once."

She looked into my eyes, serious and concerned, and I knew how lucky I was to have her as a friend. She had her quirks, everyone did, but when it came down to it I knew she'd be there for me. In the end, there wasn't much more I wanted from a friend: honesty, and the knowledge that they would stand by me. I had both in Alice, and it was for that reason that I let myself out to her, for the first time since I came to Forks.

"It's just so hard ... from the first time I saw Edward I admired him. I mean, even though you're his sister, just look at him! He's ... perfect. The first thing was he was your brother, and at the party he was trailed by girls. But I was ready to get in line, even though I was already being stupid over him. Then I tried to talk to him and he seems ... bored by me, and everything. I was quite sure he thought I was just his stupid sister's best friend, another annoying girl following him around. I tried, but all he said was okay and ... it was too hard."

It started raining, but I continued.

"I still couldn't stop thinking about him, though. I am so stupid ... he obviously wasn't interested. And today ... he apologised, which made things harder, even if it shouldn't have. Now I wonder why he did it. Why did he do it, Alice? I was ready to admire from afar, to say 'well, he doesn't like me, so it doesn't matter'. Now that opportunity is gone, there's no wall to hide behind and I know now that ... I'm too scared to do anything. "

I couldn't hold in the tears anymore. They flowed freely, my sadness and frustration seeping out and onto the cars seats as I wept.

"Why couldn't thing just go back to the start? I'm starting to think that I would be better off, you know? Like life would be so much easier if I could just forget about him, even though now it's too late because I like him, Alice. I really, really do. Maybe even more than that, but I'm ... I'm too scared."

All through my speech Alice stayed silent, free of advice which wouldn't help and sympathy that she couldn't feel. It was the best thing she could have done; I didn't want to hear that it would be alright. I just wanted her to hug me and be there, her warm body pressing against mine, and that's what she did, our bodies silhouetted against the light of the raining sky.

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