A/N: Hello my loves. It felt so good to get all of your reviews. I totally understand that this was a shock.
I didn't want to give you any details as to what this story would have in it, but now you know.
I am on cloud nine that you liked it. Please review and tell your friends about it.
Disclaimer: ALL characters belong to Stephenie Meyers -- STORY & PLOT are mine! & any other nicknames I might come up with.
I really enjoyed writing this chapter, so I hope you like it, too.
Enjoy
Chapter 2.
Confessions
"I am with you because you are the sexiest thing on this side of the continental US, or have you forgotten that?" Rose said while she threw her hands in the air.
"Do you still have those brain farts in your pretty little head of yours? Is it really that hard to believe that there has never been a girl to touch my heart like you have? Every time I think of anything beautiful I think of you," she said with a serious face.
"Every lick of my lips reminds me of the things I want to do to you. And every single time a happy thought pops in my head your face appears. That's why the hell we are together!" she shouted.
"If you don't agree, then you can walk out that front door right now, Isabella Marie Swan. I don't own you, and I am not keeping you here against your will. But I do know you. And whether you want to admit it to yourself or not, I also know you have nowhere else to go. So for once let's stop playing all these games and how about you decide whatever it is you want to do with this," she said, motioning her hands between herself and I.
"You know exactly how I feel. I don't need to explain myself to you; I shouldn't have to. You are lucky I don't just ignore this little tantrum of yours and just take you right here on the counter. That's exactly what I want to do. Can you read my mind, Ms. Swan?" Rose took a step in my direction and I backed up slightly.
Each time I tried to say something my eyes would only blink and nothing would come out. What is wrong with me? If I was going to be honest with myself, and with Rose, this one time, I would tell her that I don't want to be in this relationship anymore. I would tell this beautiful, insensitive woman that I think our relationship has run its course, but she is right. Rosalie Hale understands me and my situation. She gets me, inside and out. And despite all my flaws she still wants me. Not those vixens at the bars that throw themselves at her, not even the elegant rich uppity ladies that want to be her sugar momma and she still comes home to this. Me! She's never cheated on me, and I honestly believe she never would. Yet, I can't bring myself to give her my whole heart.
Deep down I can't shake the feeling that there is someone else out there for me, that I was meant to go down a different path. And most of all, I feel that love doesn't feel like this. I shouldn't have to hide my feelings from the person I am truly in love with. I should be able to act goofy and be shy all at the same time. I should be able to express my inner most feelings. And even though I slightly did that in the past with Rose, it's still not the same. She's not the right woman for me. She isn't what God has in store for me.
Then why can't I leave? Realistically Bella, what is holding you back? Before I could blink yet another time, Rose grabbed my face and kissed me. Silence isn't one of Rose's specialties, unless it's right after sex and she is out of breath. That's my girl!
My eyes rolled into the back of my head as I relinquish all control of my body to Rose's come-hither invasion. As she unleashes her frenzied hormones into my mouth I involuntarily hitch my leg around her tantalizing thighs. This is the point in our sex life where I willingly let her dominate me. Her intense carnal reactions render me bound to her every touch. Even if I tried to resist my mortal parts would betray me. There's no reason to fight it, you can't repel Rosalie when her resolve is this fierce.
But damn it, I am fierce, too. Simultaneously, I bit down hard on her lip and shoved my way out of her grasp. She was taken aback and frowned at my boldness. "Do you want me?" she asked as she tasted the wound I gave her. Nibbling lightly on the inside of my mouth, I wanted to truthfully answer this question but I wouldn't be able to get through this conversation if I did. So instead I tastefully ducked out of the kitchen and walked to our bedroom. Rose understands all important conversations happen in the bedroom, it's the only place in the house we have the least sex in. In this room I feel powerful. I control what happens in this room because what happens here is always up to me.
I am grateful Rose at least gave me one piece of space I am able to think in. My peace of mind is all I have left these days. My pointless librarian job at Forks High School only passes time. How did I get here?
I raised my hand to stop her where she stood, "I don't want to fight; I just want to talk. I need to get some things off my chest, Rosalie. Please!" My voice cracked on my last word. I know Rose respects me and my feelings but more times than none, if she isn't gaining from the conversation she will disregard my claims. Her love is evident, but her sympathy has yet to move into our lives.
"Seriously right now, Bella, what is going on with you? I thought everything was fine in our relationship. Are you telling me your feelings are so meaningful that we need to be in here?" her voice rose two octaves.
Now it was my turn to be taken aback. Is she kidding me? "First of all, Rosalie, the world doesn't revolve around you! I'm just here to explain how I feel about some things, and you're the one flipping out. Can you - just for once - just listen to me and try to understand where I am coming from?"
"I do listen to you, so don't give me that shit. I am a great girlfriend to you."
"Listen, I didn't mean that you don't listen to me. You do listen to me for the most part. But you don't sympathize with me, Rose. You don't fully get where I am coming from or else I'd be happy right now." Before I could take back what I said she had already covered her mouth in shock, so I back tracked. "I didn't mean it like that, Rose. Wait! Just give me a second to collect my thoughts, okay? I want to do this right."
"What exactly are you doing? Are you trying to make me cry? Are you really standing here telling me that our relationship is fucked up? If you are telling me that, then I don't want to hear this shit. I can't believe you right now, Bella. I've been busting my ass to support us and make this life we made together the best. But your ungrateful ass can never just say thank you."
"Thank you!" I practically shouted.
"That's not what I want and you know it. I want you to be happy with me, and instead I am making you miserable. What kind of girlfriend am I?" she said with her hair in her hands. She tugged roughly and shuddered.
This wasn't how this conversation was supposed to go, you know. I was supposed to tell her I was unhappy, and she was supposed to ask why and then make everything better. I guess this isn't fantasy, and I don't get the luxury of having that type of luck. I seriously think a harpy is lurking in my closet taunting me, this very moment. What did I do to deserve this? I don't want to make Rose cry; that's the last thing I want to do, but I need to express my feelings. Don't I have the right to exercise my civil liberties, my womanly rights, and the freedom all the strong women before me fought for? I will not allow her to make me feel guilty. This has to be said, tonight.
"The reason I need to speak with you, Rose, is because I don't feel like you sympathize with my feelings. I feel like I can't really be myself around you lately. I want to be the reckless and full of life Bella I was when I met you. I was more down to earth back then, and I felt free. In the beginning of our relationship, I was able to keep those qualities about myself flowing but now it feels like they are murky. I really need your help because you are basically the only person I am with on a regular basis. I don't really talk to many of my friends anymore."
Before I could even continue she looked up at me and laughed, "As if you don't hang out with your librarian friends."
"Do I go and party with them? No! Do I go out to eat on a regular basis and converse with them outside of school hours? No! And don't you dare laugh at me. This isn't a funny manner."
"It's funny to me. Forgive me if I'm not being sensitive enough for you, Isabella, but honestly you knew from the get go that, that's just not my personality. You know me; sometimes it's hard for me to be everything you want, but damn it, I try very hard to be who you need. And from my end of this relationship it seems like I'm doing a pretty damn good job."
"Would you stop boasting about yourself and pay attention to me for a second?" I raised my eyebrow at her in a questionable look. She huffed but complied. "So let me get this entire speech out and you can have your turn, agreed?"
Lucky for me she just stayed quiet, and that is usually her way of saying yes, ironically enough. Rosalie, silent, ha!
"I love you, Rosalie, I really do, but something's off. We lost our spark or something; we don't communicate like we used to. You don't hear me anymore. And I'm not talking about my words, it's like you don't read me the same way you used to. I can't really explain it right, I'm sorry." Okay now I'm getting frustrated with myself. This is so hard to explain to her while she looks at me this way. She looks like a lost puppy and I am the master that intentionally is walking away from it. That's not what I'm doing; at least I don't think I'm trying to leave her exactly. I want to leave behind the Rose that has caused me to retreat from her love lately.
"You are pushing me away, Rose. Or I am running away, either way I don't feel comfortable right now. I don't feel like this is forever. Please forgive my being blunt, but I know it's the only way to get through to you. I don't want a relationship that revolves around sex and only sex. That's not what I was put on this earth for, to be sexy and worshipped. Is it fun? Of course it is at times." I smiled because in reality the majority of the time it's amazing, but I can't keep this up. This isn't what I want.
"A part of me wants to be with you, Rose, but there is this other part of me that isn't too sure. I need you to help me get back to when we were happy, to when we didn't have problems. Maybe we need to have sex less and talk more. Is that something you are willing to do?"
"Maybe."
"Well, at this moment that is all I am asking for. I possibly need to do some soul searching. I need to find more things that make me happy and then do them. I can't just work at the school and come home and wait for you. It's not fulfilling anymore. At one point I could do that and not have a second thought. Maybe the honeymoon phase has finally worn off for me. I never wanted that to happen but it did. I just need you to put yourself in my shoes and try and really understand where I am coming from. I need you to be on the same page as me, Rose."
She took a few minutes to think about what I said, even though I wasn't finished with my speech yet. I can sympathize since I can't really stomach this conversation anymore either. I don't want to see the hurt emotions smeared on her face knowing they are because of me.
"Bella you know how I feel about you. I would do anything in my power for you. But I don't think I can be more than who I am right now, this moment, today. I've put my heart and soul into this relationship. I look at all the things you want, and then I try and make scenarios in my head as to what could be missing, but from my end everything is great. I'm happy! What more can I give you besides everything that I am?"
"I am not saying I am perfect in all of this. I just need more from this relationship. You have to be able to understand that. I'm not delusional."
"How about I try and summarize what you just told me. Would you like that?" she said with an angry tone to her voice.
"Sure, that's fine. Tell me what I said, Rose, " I said as kindly as possible.
"So you are saying that there is something missing in our relationship." I nodded. "And you want me to really listen to you and sympathize with your feelings." I smiled. "But you don't really know exactly what is missing; all you know is that you just don't want to have sex as much as we do. You want to talk more and possibly find more time to yourself to make new friends. You want to find yourself?" I nodded. "And at the end of the day, you do love me, but you want me to listen more, understand more, and for me to put myself in your shoes so we can be on the same page?" I played with my hands as she basically recited the exact things I previously told her. This made me feel a lot better.
"I want to give these things to you, Bella, but it is going to take me time. I can't just change at the drop of the dime. I want to please you, and at the same time I want to please myself even more." She gave me a sheepish, apologetic grin. "I want us to be as happy as our first few weeks together. But honestly, you have to be patient with me. This is not easy for me. Today is the first day of our relationship that I am hearing you aren't happy. It hurts like hell. It makes me feel like a failure and even though you aren't trying to do that, it's how I feel. So don't try and change that, just accept it. Let's be real, I am the dude in this relationship. I hardly listen, I want you to clean and do the laundry, I'd rather drive you around, and I make the most money in the relationship. These qualities aren't the best to have, but this is me. You have to accept me or leave me. And from what I am hearing you want to stay with me, for now at least. I feel like you are sending mixed messages because you are fighting demons that you can't really confess to yourself. But, I want to be here for you regardless. I never want to lose you as a vital part of my life."
She took a deep breath, got up from the bed, walked over to me, and hugged me. She didn't grope me, fondle me, pinch my sensitive body parts or touch me in a sexual way by any means. She really was trying to please me. I am so grateful for this, for her. I really hope this is enough. I want this to be enough.
"Rose, I really appreciate that you're doing this for me. I really need this; I need you. I want this to work out, but if…"
She cut me off with a very sweet kiss on the side of my mouth. It wasn't passionate - it was just…sweet. It was beautiful, and I didn't need anything else after that. We undressed in silence and never unlocked eyes until we turned the lights off. I think this is the closest I've felt to Rose in a very long time. Amazingly enough, I really missed this, and I can't begin to tell you how great this is for me. I am willing to give this a second chance if she is. We will find out tomorrow if she meant her words. Until then, I plan to stay in her arms until I can't hold on any longer.