Disclaimed. Spoilers still a possibility if you haven't read Wanted.
Reflections
Hanna reflects on how dazzled she was by Alison back in seventh grade. She thinks over how much she wanted to be Ali: beautiful, smart, fun, and adored by everyone. She thinks over how stupid it had been of her to pray for coolness every night, and recognizes that it wasn't her prayers, but hard work, that gained her popularity. She realizes how stupid it all was to pray for something so trivial, especially when she considers how fast popularity and the Queen Bee status can come unravelled. With just a few words, a choice picture or dirty looks, the Queen Bee can quickly fall from the top rung to somewhere average.
She remembers that she was happy when Ali complimented her on something she was wearing, that day of the charity drive, and realizes that she was perhaps at her most superficial back then.
She considers how much of a bitch she was at times: going along with Alison's schemes, doing her dirty work, and not even caring when Ali ditched Naomi and Riley. True, the rest of the school had also wondered and speculated, but no-one had thought to ask. She thinks maybe something could have been done differently back then, but doesn't dwell on it.
She cringes when she remembers finding out the truth-the fact that she wasn't originally friends with Alison but her twin sister Courtney. She realizes this would be part of why Riley and Naomi had been ditched: because it wasn't really the same girl. It was Courtney DiLaurentis, obsessed with taking over her sister's life, who had ditched them and taken four girls into her group.
She does feel a pang of guilt when she remembers how she saw an opportunity. Ali had been missing for months at the beginning of eighth grade, and there was no-one there to really obstruct her path to popularity. Mona wanted popularity too, and together they worked their way to the top. Rulers of the school, setting new trends, having the latest fashions before anyone else-for two years, it had been great. She remembers wishing Ali was around to see her transformation. She wished Ali could see her as she is now: pretty, skinny, without the glasses and braces, and with good hair. She wishes now that these little things weren't what had made her popular.
She thinks of all she got from having Ali in her life. For a while, things were good, but that was when Ali wasn't taunting her about her weight. She realizes that she probably never had been all that cool in seventh grade, and that she was overshadowed by Ali: a little like how the average lightbulb would be overshadowed by a spotlight designed to highlight one specific person. The lightbulb couldn't compete. While the spotlight brightened the area and one or two people got to stand in it, the lightbulb gave off a weak light that everyone else could stand in. She thinks that she was probably cool by association, not cool in her own right. It was only after Ali disappeared that she really began her transformation. She had some pedigree from having been friends with Ali, which helped, as did the new clothes, new hair and everything else she worked on.
She thinks about how well she was deceived by both DiLaurentis sisters and how well they both deceived everyone in Rosewood. She regrets how she found out that 'Courtney' was actually Ali pretending to be her, and wishes she hadn't treated it like the plotline of a mystery novel.
She remembers how she felt when she realized the truth in the Poconos, and sometimes she wishes she'd never been friends with Ali. Other times, she's grateful that she had been friends with her. Ali had been the glue that stuck them all together, but when she disappeared, the glue had dissolved. She remembers sometimes feeling like a puppet, being expected to go along with Ali's ideas and suggestions, while knowing that Ali-and Courtney-both knew things that she didn't want anyone to know. She wonders sometimes if she would've put her foot down and refused to do something Ali wanted to: what would've happened? She admits that Courtney probably would have told everyone everything and ruined any chances of popularity that she ever had.
Hanna considers that it took her years to accept herself. She realizes now that popularity is not the only important thing in life. She feels some sympathy for Naomi and Riley, knowing that their Queen Bee status could come undone as quickly as hers had, and counts herself lucky that she learned some important life lessons.
Kind of a weak ending, but I found Hanna hardest to write. Hope you liked it okay. I'm still trying to rename my other PLL fanfic, if you've got any suggestions I'd love to hear them.
Please review :)