He paused outside of Mac's office, taking a moment to watch her speed through the newspaper, highlighting as she went. She tucked a piece of hair behind her ear and he swallowed, how could he have been so foolish as to fight this for so long? He wanted to kick himself, all he had done was waste time.
Well, he wasn't going to waste any more! Taking a deep breath he entered the office without knocking.
She didn't look away from what she was working on and in the half second it took for Will to stumble onto what he wanted to say she spoke; effectively cutting him off, "Yes I saw you on the morning show and I'm sure you know exactly what I thought of it and I'm fairly certain I know exactly where you got the idea that that was a good plan. I don't feel like rehashing yesterday's argument so unless you have some news for tonight's show I very much prefer if you leave so I can continue to put together something that resembles a news program for adults...or is that too risky for your brand?"
He stood, frozen, waiting for her to look at him. When she steadfastly continued her work he took a deep breath, "I'm sorry."
She picked her head up, clearly not expecting those words.
He tried not to smile at her expression but instead motivated himself to continue, "I let things get into my head and you're right; I am just projecting my own personal issues into a need to get affirmation from strangers and let people...a person...who has no right commenting on this show give me misguided advice which I acted on unilaterally and let everyone down because it's not my brand it's ours. And I'm truly sorry for that."
She leaned back arching her eyebrows and crossing her arms.
"And I'm sorry for the completely shit way I've been treating you for the past few days. You don't deserve to have anyone, let alone me, belittle or minimize you. You were there when I needed you this weekend and...it scared me so I pushed you away."
Mac's jaw literally dropped in surprise at that admission.
As he spoke the weight in his chest began to lighten, encouraging him to keep going, "But I'm not doing that anymore. I didn't tell you when I started seeing Nina and that was wrong; you're my best friend Mac, and I should have told you. But I'm telling you now that she and I are through. Immediately after this morning's segment. "
"Will, you don't need to..." Mac was sitting straight in her chair but he cut her off.
"No, I do. Because I hurt you. I didn't mean to but I did. This whole past couple of days were just because I was feeling guilty so I let Nina give advice even though I had this London accent in my ear saying 'Billy, what the hell are you doing?'
"And it wasn't until this morning when I was standing there in that ridiculous studio with that ridiculous helmet that the voice said 'Told you so.' and I was so angry at myself for not listening to you."
Mac leaned back in her chair, an affectionate smile on her face as she tilted her head, more than happy to listen to Will ramble.
"The thing is, it's not just you; I never listen to anyone. Multiple times last weekend my siblings told me not to pretend I'm someone I'm not because I thought that was what they wanted to make them happy. Then I'm standing there this morning because she told me to be exactly that person who everyone I really care about knows that I'm not! I'm not the Midwestern farm boy; I'm a Northeast elitist prick with $70 t-shirts!"
"$140 dollars." Mac corrected.
"That's one shirt!" He argued.
She shrugged and smiled.
He shifted his weight, annoyed at having his rant interrupted, "Anyway...I was pissed off at myself for not listening to you. That's when I finally gave up. I've been fighting it and fighting it and fighting it but it's stupid and a waste of time. So I broke it off with her. She knew it wasn't going to last and it's because I'm a stupid ass that it even began in the first place. So now, and here's the part I think you'll like..."
"Oh I've been enjoying this quite a bit already." Mackenzie smirked dryly at him.
He glared at her for interrupting again, "Anyway! I get back to the office just now and there's Sloan sitting at my desk hurling psychology 101 at me and calling me Dukakis and talking about Goldilocks. She hit the nail on the head although I cut her off when she got to bit about needing to love myself. Because, here's the thing Mac, I wasn't just being a smart-ass. I can't love myself, I don't even like myself because I don't respect myself."
Mac bit her lip, her heart breaking for him at his word, "Billy..."
He sat in one of the chairs across from her and put his elbows on his knees as he leaned forward and locked eyes with honest intensity, "They say the children of abusers are more likely to be abused or become abusers themselves in adulthood. I thought the girls, Mark and I escaped that cliche but this weekend I realized how much we really, truly haven't. How can I respect myself with the things that I've done? I've told myself I've never hit anyone and I don't belittle the innocent and I am protective of children but none of that matters because I've spent two years emotionally beating the hell out of the woman that I love. What kind of man would do that?"
Mackenzie blinked rapidly, shaking her head, "Will..."
"No" He leaned back, "I have and you know it and the problem is that I have known it too. I've even said it out loud and had it said to me. Even Habib said once, 'You know you're hurting Mackenzie.' and I did know and I felt a pang of guilt but I kept doing it anyway. Tell me, how many times have you cried because of something I have purposefully and maliciously done?"
She began to open her mouth but he cut her off again, "Let me give you a hint, if it's more than 0 it's too many. I never hit you but that doesn't mean I haven't been beating the crap out of you."
She stood up and moved around the desk to sit in the chair next to him, reaching out to put a hand on his arm, "Will. You haven't. This is different. After what I did to you, anyone..."
"No!" He held up his hands, "Excuses are just that. I listened to my my mother give excuses and my sister rationalize and I won't allow it from you. Did you deserve to have me be angry at you? Yes. Did you deserve for me to be endlessly cruel to you? Absolutely not. Don't excuse me for that."
They sat in silence. His head bowed and Mac staring dumbly at him. She wanted to argue with him but didn't think she could change his mind. Her mind was running rapidly; did he say he loved her? She shook her head, this was not how she imagined this going at all. He was way too high strung right now so she needed to find a way to bring him down so they could talk on more even ground.
"Why were you feeling guilty?" She asked.
He picked up his head, "Hrm?"
"You said you let Nina talk to you about the numbers because you were feeling guilty. Why?"
He shrugged his shoulders, "I had shut her out since last weekend. The only person I wanted to talk about it with was you. She called me out on it and I felt bad so I thought market outreach was a safe ground, a place where I could let her in and she could feel like she was a part of my life. The problem was she gave me the wrong answers."
Mackenzie smirked, "Surprise." She couldn't help herself from commenting dryly.
"Yeah..." Will agreed leaning back and ran his hands over his face. "I don't know what to do next."
Mackenzie smiled sadly at him, daring to put a hand on his forearm, "Well you've already outlined a course of action. Respect yourself so you can like yourself so you can love yourself so you can let others love you."
He rolled his eyes, "Between you and Sloan I could save myself a lot of money on therapy."
She smiled, "You could save yourself a lot of money on therapy by only paying for the appointments you actually plan to go to."
He huffed out a laugh. He pushed himself out of his chair and moved to her window, looking down into the city. He thought back to the day Mackenzie came back to New York, how he had snapped at her and demeaned her and still she stood there in his face, pushing him to be the better man that she believed in. He shook his head, she really was unbelievable.
With out turning around he explained, "I can't respect myself until I forgive myself and I can't forgive myself until you forgive me."
Mackenzie's lower lip began to tremble. All this time and now he was asking for her forgiveness? When did they swap roles? She opened her mouth to immediately pledge her forgiveness but she forced herself to pause. She needed him to know she didn't take this lightly and more importantly she needed to not take this lightly. She thought back over the past 2 years...the humiliating contract, the parade of women, the snide comments and quips, arguments, Brian...Nina...
She took a deep breath and steadied herself. She moved to stand behind him, speaking to his reflection in the window, "Yes, you've hurt me over the past years. You've made me angry and sad and frustrated beyond belief. But I forgive you because you've also been a good friend, supportive colleague, willing create this beautiful show with me and most of all because you've just been you and I love you Billy. I've always loved you and I can't imagine ever stopping. So you should start forgiving yourself because I'm holding nothing against you."
She watched his eyes go wide at her admission. He turned around and looked at her, as if he didn't trust the window to reflect reality. She shook her head, "Is it possible that you really didn't know that I still love you?"
He gave a half shrug and waved his hand vaguely, "I mean..."
Mackenzie stared at him, agape, "You're an idiot."
He smirked, "Funny. That's what Nina said."
Mackenzie stepped back. Not really wanting to talk about his recently ex-girlfriend but curious all the same. "What?"
He shrugged, "She asked why I thought you never responded to the voicemail and I told I had thought you moved on and she called me an idiot."
Now she was thoroughly confused. "Why would me not responding to the voicemail make you think I had moved on?"
Will looked down at his feet and took a deep breath before bringing his eyes up to meet hers, "Because in the voicemail I told you I never stopped loving you."
He watched the emotions cross Mackenzie's face, "THAT BITCH!"
He jumped back, completely taken by surprise at her reaction. "I CAN'T BELIEVE IT! I BLOODY CAN'T BELIEVE IT!"
She backed away leaned her hands on her desk, shaking her head.
Will put up his hands as he stepped closer to her, "What was that about?"
Mackenzie sighed and straightened but couldn't quite meet his eyes. "I asked her about the message once."
His eyebrows climbed his forehead, "What?"
Mackenzie sighed, "Did you ever notice I stopped pestering you about the voicemail? She and I were talking once and she said she owed me and I almost stopped myself but I didn't and I asked her what the message said. She fed me some bullshit about how she couldn't really remember it but that it was something along the lines of how you just wanted to tell me I did a really great job that night. Now I find out that not only is that NOT what the message said but she clearly remembered it, knew it, knew how I felt about you, knew how you felt about me and not only lied about it but she fucked you anyway! I didn't want to be the shrill, jealous ex-girlfriend but you know what Will? I fucking hated that you were dating her and now I hate it even more. And how could you still do whatever nasty things you did with her after that conversation?!" She pushed him in the chest and backed away crossing her arms.
"Hey, hey, hey..." he followed her, closing the distance again. "Didn't we just talk about how I'm an ass and have been hurting you the past 2 years and how I hate myself for it?"
Mackenzie nodded.
"So..." he shrugged, "I'm an ass. A complete ass and I know it and I feel terrible about it and I didn't know you two talked about the message or that she lied about it and I didn't really believe it was possible that you could possibly still love me and you have every right to hate her and I don't think you're shrill or out of line at all. Hell, I'm pretty sure that part of the reason I didn't tell you was because part of me knew it would hurt you and just how much of a complete cad I was being."
She looked up at him, finally making eye contact. He smiled softly at her, "But I'm not with her anymore, I don't want to be with her or anyone else and I'm sorry. Do you still forgive me?"
Mackenzie bit her bottom lip and looked down at her fingers before looking back up at him and nodding. "Yes,I forgive you."
"Good." He nodded, stepping into her space. "Caroline said I needed to make sure you accepted my apology before I kiss you, she didn't want me to get slapped." He smirked as Mackenzie's eyes went wide and she took in a sharp gasp.
His smile faltered as a look of sadness came over her face, "Mac?"
She looked up at him with love in her eyes and a sad smile on her face, "Oh Billy." She ducked her head into his chest. Automatically his arms wrapped themselves around her. He tucked his face into her hair and felt her tremble against him.
"Mac, what is it? What's wrong?"
He felt her steady herself with a deep breath and push slowly away from him with a hand on his chest. "Will, you broke up with your girlfriend of 6 months this morning. Your father died this weekend. You're constantly looking for affirmation from people and you've just gone through two major blows to that."
He furrowed his brow, completely confused, "Mac, what...?"
She stepped back. "Will, I've wanted you to want to kiss me again for 5 years now but it can't be just because you're feeling sad or lonely or vulnerable or whatever else is going through your head."
He shook his head, bewildered, "Did you not hear me? I love you Mac. I want to be with you Mac. We're supposed to be together. I've just been fighting against it because I was hurt."
Mac crossed her arms, "And you're suddenly not hurt now?"
He deflated, staring at her, begging his brain for the right thing to say, "I...I mean if I think about it, the memory of that will always hurt but that's not what's important. I want to be with you. I told you before, you make me feel better. Not being with you is just stupidity."
Mackenzie laughed but didn't move to step closer, "Will, you have to understand. You've been hating me for so long; naturally I have some doubt when you all of a sudden come in here and..."
"I haven't hated you for a long time Mac." He stepped closer again but she shook her head.
"I just need to be sure this is real, Will. I don't think I could handle it if I let...what ever this is...go on and then in a week or a couple of days you realize that you are still angry or that you've moved on and this is all just misplaced emotion. It would kill me if you broke it off, Billy. I really think it would."
He stood, unable to process what was happening,"So you don't want me to kiss you?"
She shook her head, looking so sad that it was all he could do from ignoring her protests and wrapping her in his arms again. "I do. You have no idea how much I do. But that's the point Will. This needs to be real."
He grasped her hands in his and looked keenly into her eyes, "What do I need to do to prove to you that this is real?"
She smiled up at him, "Time Billy. Just give yourself time."
He brought up his hand to cup her cheek, "5 years isn't enough time?"
Mackenzie shook her head, "You know what I mean."
He nodded, with a mock stern expression, "What if I disagree? I'm not a patient man."
She shrugged, "I don't know what to tell you Billy."
He smirked, invading her space even more and dropping his voice to a low whisper, "May be I can change your mind? I've been told I'm very persuasive."
Mackenzie felt her neck flush and she had to swallow before she nodded, "I look forward to being persuaded."
Will smiled and then unable to resist he brought his lips to her forehead and left a lingering kiss.
He stepped back, "Okay then. I guess I have work to do." With a wink and a grin he left the office leaving a flustered and excited Mackenzie to drop into a chair.
A/N SORRY! I know people were looking forward to them kissing but I just couldn't do that yet...it would be too fast. BUT now we get to finish out the story with some fun fluff of charming, sweet Will trying to convince Mac he loves her...because we all need reasons to love Will more :-)