Summary: What if there had been no Blight when Lilith Cousland joined the ranks of the Grey Wardens? How would she have coped with her new role and what relationships would she have forged when free of the pressure of saving the entire country?
A/N: It has been much too long since I updated this story and I'm not even sure why. I kept coming up with sentences and paragraphs in my head, but never at a time when I could actually get them written down somewhere, so this'll probably end up being nothing like I wanted it to be. But, I've got the ball rolling now, so hopefully I'll get back on top of this. Right then, I want to send a massive 'Thank You' and lots of love to everyone who reviewed the last chapter (your words really boosted my spirits!) and also to everyone who has added this story to their faves and alerts. Your support means so much to me, especially when I'm struggling to find inspiration. I apologise again for the long wait and hope that I actually make this chapter worth it.
EDIT: I noticed some pretty bad typos when I was re-reading this recently (I needed to remember exactly where it ended before starting the next chapter) so I've hopefully, fixed them all now. If you notice any more, please let me know. I really need to learn to proof-read properly before I post the chapters.
Disclaimer: I do not own Dragon Age: Origins or any of its characters (just my Lilith Cousland) and receive no profit from this story.
They had been only two hours journey away from the entrance to the great dwarven fortress of Ostagar when the Wardens spotted a figure apparently waiting for them further along the road, waving a tanned hand at them as they drew nearer. Duncan, as he promptly explained, had heard word of their arrival from some of the King's scouts and decided to meet them on the road and fill them in on the details of His Majesty's plans. Alistair wasn't ashamed to display the full extent of his pleasure at seeing his mentor again, shaking his hand and whole-heartedly expressing his wishes that all was well, but now, when he assumed they must be only a quarter of an hour's walk from their destination, he found another reason to be pleased at the man's reappearance.
He had noticed, with some concern, that Lilith had been growing gradually quieter and more reserved as they journeyed onwards towards Ostagar and, try as he might, the blonde had found it difficult to draw her out from the shell into which she seemed to be receding. During their evenings at camp she had seemed to return more to her usual self, leaving Alistair to wonder whether she simply disliked their long days of walking. However, Lilith had barely spoken over the past two days and even in the night, she would silently eat her meal and then retire from the company of any except her hound. But now, as he looked to the head of the group, he could see his fair-haired friend talking animatedly with the Warden-Commander. He was concerned that she seemed somewhat agitated, judging from her wild gesticulations, but he decided that anything was a marked improvement from her increasingly morose attitude. Nevertheless, he couldn't help feeling curious as to what they could be discussing so heatedly and wondered if there was any way he could surreptitiously make his way closer.
xXx
"But you promised me that-!" The young Noble started, but was quickly cut off by the older man waving his hand dismissively.
"I told you," Duncan started, his voice hard and forceful as if trying to emphasise each syllable, "that when the King returned to Denerim, you would be given leave to pursue your personal issues."
"But-!"
"This is a war, child." He interrupted, his voice calm but increasing in volume as he rubbed his temples where he could feel a growing ache, "Ostagar has been transformed into a camp for the army and the Korcari Wilds out there," he continued, waving his hand to encompass the great expanse of forest that could be seen in the valley below, "will be a battleground."
"I understand that, Duncan, I honestly do. But, you cannot expect me to just forget about what happened," Lilith continued, her voice pleading, begging him to understand how important this was to her, "not when I have a chance to-"
"That is exactly what I expect you to do, Lilith." The older man stated calmly, but Lilith could sense his normally well-hidden frustration bubbling up within him, "You are a noble no longer- a Cousland no longer. You are a Grey Warden and you, as are we all, are obliged to do your duty as such. A blight threatens Ferelden and as far as you are concerned, ending it is all that matters."
The newest Warden felt like she had taken a physical blow when Duncan's harsh words sunk in, scarcely believing that the man who had saved her life and had fought valiantly to save those of her family and friends could say something so cruel. However, far from being deterred, she took up her mantle with increased vigour when she next spoke.
"I may be a Grey Warden," she started in a dangerously quiet voice that almost came out as a hiss, "I may have sworn my life to protect Ferelden and I may have been forced to leave behind everybody that I cared about." She continued, lifting her gaze from the ground to stare defiantly into her Commander's eyes, "But I will always be a Cousland and a Cousland always does their duty."
Had she not been so determined, so fuelled by righteous indignation at this new side of the older man's personality that had been revealed, she would have broken down on repeating the words that her father had said to her so many times throughout her life, the words that had been some of the last she was ever to hear him speak. But she buried her despair and kept her resolve, her blue gaze piercing Duncan's as the dark-haired man struggled for something to say.
However, any retort was delayed for the time being when the pair noticed a group of soldiers heading their way. Being so immersed in their discussion, they had failed to notice their arrival at the grand entrance to Ostagar, but Lilith was overtaken by awe when she looked ahead and took in the sheer scale of the enormous ruins, from the ancient stone archway under which she stood, to the tower that loomed over her just a stone's throw away. And there was more: a never-ending sea of people and movement bustled as far as the eye could see across the crumbling bridge that stretched out before her.
"Ho there, Duncan!" An all too cheery voice called out from the head of the approaching group. The young noble finally diverted her gaze away from her surroundings to look once more in the direction of the sound, only to see that she had been surrounded by the other Wardens while she daydreamed. However, peering over one of the slightly shorter men's shoulder, she saw a figure, donned in dazzling golden armour and with long hair to match, approaching the group of amassed Wardens. She recognised him immediately, having travelled to the family's estate in Denerim many times throughout her youth. 'The King,' she thought, looking about herself somewhat frantically for a means of escape from her prison of flesh, 'Duncan probably told them to group around me so I couldn't speak with him.' She was starting to feel slightly exasperated from arguing with the elder man, but she knew that she could not falter in her duty to her family.
"King Cailan?" She heard Duncan reply, though he was now firmly out of her view; from his tone of voice, it was obvious that he had not expected to be seeing the King so soon. 'I imagine he believed he'd have more time to talk me around.' Lilith thought rather smugly. With that conviction, she gathered her wits, and a great deal of her strength, and forcefully pushed her way towards Ferelden's sovereign King, cutting a swathe through the now disgruntled men that had tried to deny her access.
"Then I'll have the mighty Wardens at my side in battle after all. Glorious!" The King exclaimed, a sense of boyish awe completely unbefitting of a ruler emanating from his every pore. His next speech was cut short, however, as Lilith emerged from the mass of men in front of him, a look of fierce determination in her burning gaze.
"Pardon the intrusion, your Majesty," she began, starting into a curtsey before realising that her current attire was hardly conducive to bending in such a manner. She settled for inclining her head and saluting in the traditional manner of a Ferelden soldier, hoping to seem polite and respectful despite her somewhat her impudent interruption, "But I have come here bearing grave news that I simply must relay to you."
"You are Bryce's youngest, are you not?" The King replied, his eyes assessing her from the ground up. Normally the act would have made her intolerably uncomfortable, however, something in the way that he phrased his question led her to believe that the look was intended to chase away doubt at her being there, as opposed to the looks she had often noticed lavished upon her form by young men, who were much too confident in their skills of stealth, in her opinion, at the many functions she had been forced to attend by her mother.
"Yes, your Majesty," she replied curtly, hoping for no further interruptions, "but I am afraid that I must report-"
"I am well aware of the situation at Highever." He replied matter-of-factly. Fear set in at that moment, a chill of uneasiness crawling slowly down Lilith's spine. 'Maker, no! He's been here - Howe has been here and spread his lies to cover up his treachery.'
The King was about to speak again when Lilith interrupted him: "I assure you, your Majesty," she began, her voice growing frantic as panic started to overcome her mind, "that whatever you have been told is a falsehood! Rendon Howe murdered the inhabitants of Highever castle in cold blood and whatever slanderous lies he has been spreading to conceal it are-"
"I believe there has been some mistake," Cailan stepped in, placing his hands up defensively in order to stop the noble's tirade, "Arl Howe has not been here. In fact, I haven't received any word from him in months." Lilith heaved a sigh of relief at this news, all thoughts of being arrested and strung up on account of Howe's probable excuses fleeing her mind as quickly as they entered it. However, if Howe had not been the King's informant, then who had?
Just as she was trying to pull together her thoughts to coherently phrase the question, she received her answer. "Your brother informed me of Howe's insidious betrayal upon my arrival here," the King stated, a knowing look adorning his features, "and I can see from your face that you were just as unaware of his survival as he is of yours."
"Fergus Cousland is here, your Majesty?" Duncan asked, sounding as flabbergasted as Lilith was sure she must look, "You did not mention this before."
"You have not long arrived, Duncan," the blonde man replied, his voice carrying a haughty tone as if he was a child protesting against being scolded, "and ensuring you were up to date with our progress seemed to be of paramount importance. However, had I known that the Wardens could now count Lilith Cousland among their ranks, I would have been sure to inform you immediately."
"Fergus-" Lilith attempted, clearing her throat at the audible crackle in her voice. Nonetheless, her voice barely came out as more than a whisper, as if she was afraid of talking too loudly and breaking this new illusion, "Fergus is alive?" She finished in a tone almost akin to wonderment.
Cailan replied in the affirmative, a boyish grin settling on his face at the sudden change in countenance of the young woman before him, which immediately brightened at the avowal. However, his expression darkened before he next spoke, "But I am sorry to say that you cannot speak with him. Not yet, anyway." He added, hoping that the news would not hit her too hard. Before she could ask him why, he pressed onwards, "I have sent him, and a small contingent of my best men, into the Wilds to scout for darkspawn. They will not be returning until after the battle two days from now and until then, there is unfortunately no way to reach them."
The barrage of bad news sunk Lilith's spirits back to their former low, but her emotions, as always, expressed themselves however they pleased and right now she simply wanted to be angry, to shout and scream at the injustice of finding hope only to have it torn from her grasp so quickly.
"You sent him into the Wilds?" She asked incredulously, a dark edge to her voice, "You sent the rightful heir to the Highever teynir and, as far as you were aware, the only living Cousland into the bloody darkspawn-infested wilds?" She finished, a hysteric laugh bubbling up from amidst her frustration at the absurdity of the situation.
"Lilith!" Duncan scolded her sharply, his expression serious. He needn't have bothered, however, for she was fully aware that she was out of line: at this moment in time, she simply didn't care. It was as if something within her had snapped and all of the stress that she had bottled up over the past few months came flooding out of her in a harangue of poorly-chosen words.
"And who, may I ask," she continued, her voice taking a tone of mock-formality as she sauntered closer to the King, who looked somewhat stunned at her sudden outburst, "came up with such a brilliant idea?"
"Your brother." He replied calmly after a moment of silence, deciding that keeping his head in the face of such obvious criticism was the best course of action. Of all that he had heard and seen of the youngest Cousland, he had never imagined that she was capable of such behaviour. She had been in attendance at the last royal ball, it being the only one to be held since her coming of age, and had shown herself to be the epitome of polite society. Looking at her now, he could scarcely believe that she was the same woman. His words seemed to have had the desired effect as she immediately sobered up, stepping back to a respectful distance and hanging her head. The King's next words were unnecessary, for Lilith knew her brother well enough to understand why he would request such a thing. Nevertheless, the pain that wrenched her heart upon hearing them still held the same sting: "He seemed eager for a distraction."
The young noble remained silent while Cailan returned to addressing Duncan, saying something about Loghain and search parties, at the same time too proud and too ashamed to open her mouth to apologise. Her head still pointed to the ground, she watched as the King's feet started to move away, only to stop after just a few paces and turn back towards her.
"I will tell you the same thing I told your brother, Lilith Cousland," he stated, the mention of her name startling her out of her reverie and causing her to look back into his eyes, which, though still hard, held a sort of understanding and compassion in their depths, "Once we are done here, I will turn my army north and bring Howe to justice. You have my word."
"Thank you, your Majesty." She replied, trying her best to convey her honest gratitude. As he left, she looked to Duncan, expecting to be reprimanded further. Contrary to this, however, Duncan simply shook his head disappointedly, looking exhausted before silently walking away, the rest of the Wardens following in his wake and leaving her alone, to gaze out once again at the sea of activity that stretched out before her. A high-pitched whine sounded beside her as her ever-empathetic companion brushed his head against her thigh lovingly. A small sob choked her, forcing its way past her steely resolve to not give in to her emotions, but she would allow herself no more. Instead, she set off in the direction of the great bridge leading to the camp proper, her head held high and her back straight in the way that, as her mother had constantly reminded her, a lady should walk.
xXx
The sun was in the final minutes of its descent towards the horizon, a soft, warm breeze building strength and bringing rolling clouds, loaded with the promise of rain in the near future, barrelling along with it. Alistair looked up at the sky, the bright blue of day slowly giving way to hues of pink, orange and purple, and sighed heavily. He still wasn't exactly sure what had happened between Lilith and the King upon their arrival at Ostagar, but from the details he had gleaned thus far, it obviously wasn't pretty. Nevertheless, the fact that she had pretty much disappeared since the event had him worried, especially considering the melancholy mood that had overtaken her in the past few days; he simply didn't like the thought of her being alone somewhere, quietly seething or perhaps worse, lost among the vast crowds of people.
However, he soon discovered that finding her wouldn't be as easy as he had hoped. The camp that had been installed at the ancient fortress was unending and the number of people - soldiers, mages, clergymen, merchants - unfathomable. As he was beginning to think his search futile, and hoping beyond reason that she had made her way back to the Wardens' camp while he had been ambling around, he noticed something, a very familiar-looking something, bounding towards him.
"Max!" He practically shouted, his face lighting up as the great beast came to a shuddering stop at his feet. The dog barked happily in response, turning to run in the direction from which he came before stopping and looking back at the man expectantly. "I'm going to take a wild guess and say you want me to follow you." The dog barked again, bounding ahead and Alistair shook his head before following obediently. 'Aren't dogs supposed to listen to humans, not the other way around?'
Max slowed his pace as he entered an emptier, more secluded corner of the enormous fort, populated only by a few weapon racks, a line of straw practice dummies and Lilith, hacking angrily at one of the helpless effigies. Alistair watched her for a moment, so engrossed was she that she was oblivious to his approach; her usually graceful movements appeared somewhat jarred and uncomfortable to the eyes of her observer, her face contorting with either anger or pain with every strike and Alistair couldn't help but wonder exactly how long she had been here. 'Judging from the state of that poor dummy,' he thought, his eyes taking in the exposed stuffing, loosened limbs and completely scarred wooden 'head', 'she must've been here for quite a while.'
"Remind me," he started, a somewhat sly grin on his face as he casually worked his way closer to her position, "never to get on your bad side."
She finally turned to look at him, her chest heaving and sweat glistening along every exposed stretch of her pale skin. 'Yep, definitely been here too long.' He thought as he watched her mind trying to wrap around his words, to no avail.
"What?" She asked simply, looking rather disgruntled and displeased at the interruption.
"That poor dummy," he explained smiling, pointing in the direction of the mangled thing, "What did it ever do to you?"
'At least that earned a laugh.' He thought happily, however, he was disappointed when she immediately went back to her previous occupation.
"I am ashamed to admit that it has done nothing to me," she started, clearly struggling to maintain the pace of her training and a conversation at the same time, "however, it proclaimed itself a more than willing participant in the stress relief that I felt was necessary after this morning's...goings on." She finished, her voice growing sharper as she accented each word with a fierce slash towards the 'it' in question.
"Ah." Her onlooker replied simply, staying quiet for a moment. Upon a particularly violent attack hitting its mark in the wooden block that the practice dummies were equipped with for heads, Lilith grunted furiously as her blade, evidently stuck, slipped from her grasp to remain firmly planted in the side of the mannequin's skull, leaving a very noticeable streak of red across the handle of the ornate weapon. "Hey, you're bleeding." Alistair stated with concern as she threw her dagger disgustedly onto the ground, approaching her and taking her hands as she attempted to scrunch them into her hair in the way that, he had recently noticed, she always did when she was stressed.
"Hmm?" She asked, looking at her now outstretched palms with a cloudy gaze. The wounds on her hands were little more than grazes, but they were bleeding more than one would expect, a fact which made the blonde's forehead crease worriedly.
"Maker's breath, Lil, how long have you been out here?" He asked, his breath sticking in his throat at the knowledge that she had inflicted these wounds upon herself.
"How many hours has it been since I made an arse out of myself?" She asked, trying to lighten the mood, but the worry embedded in her friend's disapproving gaze made her wish she had just kept her mouth shut, or better yet, that the earth would just open up and swallow her. 'Why does it hurt so much when he looks at me like that?' She wondered. After all, that sort of judgement from anyone else would normally be enough to put her on the defensive.
Before she knew what was happening, she was being dragged across the training ground, stumbling as she attempted to keep up with his urgent pace, before she was ordered to sit on the stone bench that stretched across the outer wall of the compound. She did as she was told, watching as Alistair retrieved a bucket of water and rags that were left nearby, usually for the cleaning of one's weapons, before squatting before her and holding out his hands expectantly. She held her own out obediently, wincing as a water-soaked rag was pressed against the cuts on her left hand.
"Sorry."
"It's okay." She answered, keeping her head turned towards the ever-darkening horizon. She was ashamed to let him look after her like this, even if it was something as simple as cleaning a minor wound, but she smiled as his touch became more gentle, his evident wish not to hurt her, despite the quiet anger that radiated off him, warming her heart against the coldness that had gripped it earlier in the day.
"My brother is here." She announced, her voice so soft that she wondered if Alistair had even heard her speak. However, his movements stilled after she spoke and he slowly lifted his head to look at her.
"That's great, isn't it?" He asked, completely befuddled that she would seem upset by the news that, contrary to her belief, her brother was actually alive.
"Of course, I mean, I never thought I would see him again," she said, though Alistair still wasn't convinced that she truly understood the implications of her news, "but when I say that he is here, it would probably be more apt to say that he was here."
At this, the blonde was only more confused. Lilith turned her head to regard him, her eyes clouded with tears that refused to fall, a pained expression on her face that almost broke his heart in two.
"The King...," she started, not really desirous to talk about her conversation with the country's sovereign, "Cailan sent him out into the Wilds - to look for darkspawn - and for all anybody knows he could already have fallen out there. The King tells me that he requested the mission and I know Fergus, he probably went out there looking for an honourable death."
Alistair didn't know what to say, but he knew he would have to attempt something. "Can't you reach him? Send a message or something?" She shook her head 'no'.
"There's no way of contacting him, no way of knowing exactly where he is, or whether he's alive and if he does, by some work of the Maker, survive, he won't be back until after this blasted battle is done." She said, a feeling of helplessness starting to set in once again and her unshed tears threatening to break free once more.
"Come on, it'll be alright. You'll see." Alistair tried, pushing himself off the floor to sit next to her on the bench and, before he could change his mind, draping an arm across her shoulders to pull her closer to him. Though his platitudes were of little comfort, the effect of such a simple act of affection was overwhelming as the young noble rested her head against his strong chest, the warmth and scent radiating from him calming her senses and soothing her aching bones.
"And to top it all off," she continued, breaking the serenity of the moment, "I basically accused the King of being an idiot." She buried her face in her hands at the recollection.
"Don't worry about Cailan," Alistair said, nudging her good-naturedly, "I think he's used to those sorts of accusations." A muffled laugh came from behind her hands before she settled her head back against his chest. He unconsciously tightened his grip around her, causing her to smile conspiratorially to herself.
They sat in silence for some time, each comfortable in the other's embrace, as they watched the last of the sun's light fade from the sky, the bright colours of day finally yielding to a well-earned rest as the dark of night took over their responsibilities. Alistair smiled as he saw his fair-haired friend try, and fail, to stifle a yawn, clearly drawn to sleep by the encroaching night. However, she seemed reluctant to give up the comfort that she had found in his arms as she once again settled herself properly against him.
"I don't know about you," the blonde said, earning an annoyed glare as he started to stand up, "but I'm shattered. You coming back?" He asked, holding out a hand to help her up.
She nodded her acquiescence, taking his hand tentatively, though whether due to her cuts or some other force he couldn't tell, and using the leverage to pull her aching body out of a sitting position, already missing his comforting warmth as the cold night air started to creep across her exposed arms, causing the hairs to stand on end. However, she didn't immediately release his hand, as he had expected, keeping it firmly within her grasp as she wrapped her arm around his and pressed her body flush against his side, stretching onto her tip-toes to place a gentle kiss on his now-enflamed cheek.
"Thank you, Alistair." She whispered before returning to her normal height, still grasping his arm and leaning against him for support. She tapped her leg for Max to follow and he did so obediently, demanding a scratch behind the ears, most likely as a reward for a job well done in bringing the blonde man here, by way of pushing his great head against the hand that lay limp at her side. Her companion cleared his throat gruffly as they headed back towards the part of the camp where the Wardens had congregated, hoping more than words could ever express that his fellows had already retired for the night.
A/N: Oh my God! It's finally done! I can't even remember how long it's been since I posted the last chapter and I'm not sure I want to know. I just want to apologise for the long wait again, but, at over 6 pages and 4478 words, this is the longest chapter of anything I have ever written. I just hope it's not all drivel, haha. Anyway, thank you so much for reading and please leave a review to tell me what you thought!