A/N: ( SERIOUSLY SUGGEST YOU READ THIS, SINCE IT ISF THE CHAPTER'S WORD COUNT.) Okay okay okay, so I am SO FAR beyond livid and fucking freaked and lacking sleep and a mess and wow. I mean holly fucking fuck. get this shit.
Okay so first and foremost, anyone and EVERYONE who has ever met me knows of my undying -unwavering -passion -obsession- eternal love- I -could- go on -for- days of music. And I mean we all love music but I mean like MUSIC. Like I read every theory book I can get my hands on, take voice, piano, theory, conducting classes ( all with the same person) and am in the music wing of our school CONSTANTLY. I mean constantly. I mean if someone is looking for me they are immediately sent to the music wing. The teacher that guards that hallway after school who only lets your through if you have a legit reason knows my face and I am the only one allowed without question. If anyone ever has a question about music, specifically the voice, they come to me. Immediately. My name is completely associated to music the moment one hears it. I am a self taught ( and now taking lessons to improve) pianist, guitarist and take ( CLASSILY TRAINED !CAUSE I DON'T GIVE A SHIT WHAT GENRE YOU'RE ENDING UP IN YOU SHOULD BE CLASSILY TRAINED ) voice lessons. I hum and sing CONSTANTLY. And I mean it NEVER stops. I break into song and dance in public places CONSTANTLY. I love classical acoustic and theater music.I am the lead role of the school play,( opening night is next Friday :D) the soloist in choir, and the piano soloist for the band, despite not being in It. Okay so, then comes my general music/ choir/ select choir/ everything else teacher. I cant ever BEGIN. She is like everything. She is the reason I discovered music and the sole and only reason I am even performing ( the thing I love most, ahhh gunna be on Broadway someday). I mean if it weren't for her, I 'd be sitting in a corner sing/ whispering like at my first lesson in 6th grade ( I'm in 8th, I'm 14)Changed my entire life. I am her music student. I take all my lessons ( save for piano, gunna take them from her student teacher whom I love as well) from her. I know everything I know, due to her. And you have NO FUCKING IDEA. What she gives for all her student. Almost everyone who's had her has LOVED her. She's young ( 27) and all, and she's 'cool', but I mean holly shit. Beyond awesome. Okay example: There is a girl in our select choir whom has a crippled hand (the doctors pulled on her hand too harshly in the birth process to put it shortly.) One day, Someone asked her about it, why she was like that and she got kind of withdrawn and stated she 'didn't like to talk about it' My music teachers breaks from the middle of her conversation turns and looks the girl in the eyes; "Hey! Don't you dare be ashamed of that. Look at me. Don't you ever be ashamed of that or anything about yourself. Ever. Do you hear me? You're are gorgeous the way you are" and oh yeah, also my first voice lesson when I used to be shy and quite ( Before I acquired the right to tell her to 'shut the fuck up' and she could reply' I'm gunna punch you in your fucking face' ) The first thing she said to me was "Honey, you're voice is gorgeous, so uhh yeah by the time I'm done with you, you aren't gonna be afraid anymore. Its gunna be more like 'Uh yeah bitch, you better listen to me cause uh' ya hearddd' " ( blackest white girl you'll ever meet). I mean I owe her everything. A small group of 5 of us sit in her room with her for lunch everyday, I'm in her office/ the choir room everyday after school. She is just beyond amazing. Because not only does she instill the passion for music into students too unstable to do so themselves, yet she is just… a person. You're not just a fucking kid to her. Not to mention she's hysterical, and loves to dance to lady gaga, and has the best stories. Just wow okay so. Not only has our school district decided that they need to take our choir room BUILT FOR SINGING WITH ACOUSTICS ON THE WALLS and turn it in to the weight room for the fucking football team, because theirs is being RECONSTRUCTED at the high school ( even though we don't have any MONEY) and the one we ALREADY HAVE at our middle school isn't big enough apparently, But the music budget is already completely frozen, they cut half the teachers last year, we haven't been aloud to buy music ( by the way we don't HAVE a drama budget, our teacher pays the THOUSANDS of dollars for it ) and they're cutting drama next year. They're cutting band out of the elementary schools, and trying to cut major aspects of all the music programs. And get this. THERE IS A 98% CHANCE MY MUSIC TEACHER WILL LOSE HER JOB THIS. FUCKING. YEAR. When she called me in her office and told me I nearly threw up. So, we (music program) are scheduled to speak at a board meeting on Tuesday the 20th . A group of like 5 of us she chose are to sing the school anthem ( we are having a contest for the lyrics) at it, and we're doing all this shit and having people writing 5 reasons why music is important and writing down the ones we like and all this shit. It's a mess. Tomorrows we find out if she keeps her job. I am ( A hidden, well kept, you'd never guess a thing was bugging me) mess. Completely and totally can't even begin to sleep, going to go insane, humming 'Without you' constantly. It isn't fucking fair, I just… I can't even being. If any of you met this women, whom is like my sister I suppose, you would just... Die. If she tells me she's losing her job, I have a feeling imma loose it, punch something ( I don't cry. Ever. Haven't in years) and storm down to the principals office. I have THE worst temper EVER. I will probably end up throwing a fit, or demanding to talk to the super intendent like RIGHT THEN. I just I can't even begin to describe any of this shit and all the fucking frustration. It's so fucking stupid. I've already been beyond fucking sick of this school for years but this... This is just beyond shit. Music is everything, and they don't give a shit. it's the reason half the population even fucking bothers going to school, doing anything for that matter. Don't get me started on THAT. I've already written 2 pages. So yeah. That will probably be channeled into this chapter. Just sayin'. Too bad the author note is as long/ longer than the actual chapter.. Whatever. Not in the mood to care. ( Wow, my grammar seriously goes down the fucking toilet when I am have like a conniption-ish spazattacke. Eh. That's kind of what happens when you mess with Music around me)
By the way, we're all lucky I'm still alive to write this, due to the fact that on Itunes I found a techno hip hop bubble gum bull shit remix of Seasons of Love, and immediately after one of a Beethoven song. I very very very so very nearly dropped dead on the spot. Then when I was told of the music cuts and the 98% of a loss of job, I nearly nearly nearly dropped from a heart attack again.
Title is Always Midnight, by Pat Moh something or other. Lead singer of train. Awesome song.
By the way, I have no idea why I switch tenses so frequently. Oh well.
With You, It's Always Midnight
(Present of the story once more, about one minute after Roger informed Mimi he, indeed, did not love her. )
She scoffs, giggles, laughs bitterly. Phased. And yet trying to scrounge up some amusement, because she wants so badly for this to be amusing. To be a joke. She doesn't know what else it could be. She fears that if she were to release her death grip on the concept of amusement, she would be left with nothing. Nothing to look at or see. She doesn't fear opening her eyes to find something terrifying, but to instead find nothing at all. So she grasps at it being funny.
Haha.
She giggles again
" What?" She scrunches her nose quirkily, a subconscious habit of hers.
He just gives her a blank look. She examines him playfully, and smiles again. Sly. Coy. Beautiful.
She always was beautiful
Not to who she gave a shit about
"Rog?"
He stares past her
" Rog, c'mon baby jokes over. What's this all about?" She waves a hand in front of his face.
At the wall
She giggles again and bites her lower lip
"Roger. C'mon stop it"
Her smile falters only a little
"Rog not funny really"
Collins somber features don't quit identify his eyes, Angel simply seems to be in pain. Joanne's eyes refuse to leave the scene. Maureen looks down, not wanting to be read at the moment. Her eyes would betray her she knows.
"Roger" He face has gone straight now
He shakes his head side to side a few times
"Roger?" She's getting a little more panicky
"Roger this shit isn't funny, you're not even gay. We're in love, remember? I see through you. This isn't funny anymore"
And then his eyes flick to hers
She looks. Reads them. Fucking looks. Fucking sees
She wishes she hadn't
"Roger!?!?" Her voice Is desperate now .Desperate and angry and cracking and high pitched and pained
"ROGER!?!" She's yelling now, crosses the room quickly to stand before him.
She grabs his collar and begins to shake him
"ROGER?!?!"
He looks at no one.
Didn't even bother to look at her
Well of course she was in his line of vision. His pupils were fixated directly on her
He didn't look though
Didn't see a thing
She screams fiercely, an odd combination of his name and simple incoherence
She just wanted him to fucking look at her
It's as if he's gone blind
Click
Mark's bedroom door swings open
Everyone halts as they are
He walks across the room. Mildly. Un hastily, inapprehensive. Just easily
Coldly
His eyes don't move
Their dead
He's gone blind as well
She glances back at Roger
Wish she could take it back
begins to tremble
Because he's seeing
He's fucking seeing
He's fucking looking
Mark
At Mark
He made Roger fucking look
Only him
She pushes away from him
Mark is still blind
Unrequited can do that to you.
Don't try and make 'em see if they don't want to
Silence is louder, just barely than screaming
Dry humor, aimless musing, sarcasm
All masks
We feel we only need to live for a purpose, a point. We always need a fucking point.
He makes his way to the door, and walks out
He shuts it tightly
He never shuts it
Roger lets him.